My husband found out that I am in touch with my ex-boyfriend; now he doesn’t speak to me
Salam brothers n sisters,
I am married for 3 years and I have been loyal to my husband for 3 years but before getting married I had an affair with a guy. When I got married I forget about him and became loyal to my husband.
I am from Pakistan and moved to USA after getting married but 6 months ago; my ex-boyfriend contacted me through e-mail and we again started talking to each other. I don't know why but I started talking to him behind my husband's back.
A week ago my husband found out about that. He is really angry; I asked for forgiveness and told him that I did a mistake but he is not talking to me and that thing is killing me right now. I really love my husband and I pray to Allah that HE forgives me.
Is my sin forgiveable or not?
Please help me; I am in great confusion.....
thanks,
- Temi
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Temi, wa alaykum as-salam,
Certainly Allah will forgive you if you repent to Him sincerely.
As far as your husband forgiving you, I think it depends. There are a few different scenarios here:
1. Let's suppose that your past relationship with your boyfriend was a haram one, i.e. you committed zinaa with him (and don't tell me if you did, I don't need to know), and that your recent contact with him was flirtatious or romantic. In that case, I don't blame your husband for being furious with you; and I would not even blame him for divorcing you. Without trust, there is no foundation for marriage.
2. On the other hand, let's say your past relationship with your boyfriend was not physical, but just chatting, or going out to dinner, or whatever. I'm not excusing that or saying it's okay, but it's certainly very different from committing zinaa. And let's say that your recent contact with him was not flirtatious but was just, "How have you been, how is life these days," that kind of thing... In that case, while I still think it was wrong of you to have secret contact with the ex, I feel that your husband should forgive you and move on. It's not really a big deal.
I have an ex-wife and while I don't spend time with her or chat on the phone, I do email her occasionally to see how she's doing, share important events from my life, etc. My emails to her are not romantic or flirtatious in any way. When I get married to someone else Insha'Allah, I'll still have that occasional contact with the ex. But it won't be secret or behind my wife's back. Of course in my case it may be different because my ex-wife is the mother of my child. So it's important to me to know how everything is going.
Ultimately it's up to your husband. He needs to decide if he can forgive you and move on, or not. If he decides that he cannot forgive you, then he should divorce you, rather than make you suffer perpetually.
If he chooses to forgive you, you will still have to eat dirt for a while, no doubt. You'll just have to accept that as the price you pay. But eventually he will have to let it go, and clear it from his heart. And in turn you must vow not to keep secrets again, especially when then come in the form of an ex-boyfriend. A marriage absolutely must have trust, or it's just smoke and mirrors.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
" It's not really a big deal"
Yeh it may not be as big a deal as it would have been had it been of romantic/flirtatious nature, however it still is a big deal.
When you are the victim to such a thing, you feel betrayed and the feelings are not very far from those of your spouse cheating on you. Even in such a case, I would sympathise with the husband if he wanted to divorce her over it.
Yes, your example of your ex-wife being involved in your life is very different to hers because not only was she an ex wife (not girl/boyfriend) but most importantly, you share a child.
-Salaam
Alsalam mu Alaikum brother
i thick what Faith said is true i mean how could it not be a big deal?when a married woman talks to other man then her husband secretly?can you please explain how?will this not call as a sin?
It's down to your husband. Most men would be seething with fury, in fact more humans would be seething with fury if their partner did what you have done to your husband.
You've got no onctrol over his decision, you must change now to avoid further troubles, however as Wael said, it is completely understandable if your husband divorces you and let's you carry on with your life.
What would I do? I'd end the marriage, no two ways about it. But Islam says to treat women kindly and he should treat your kindly, if not romantically (who can blame him?).
Lastly I want to say it seems you only stopped cause your husband found out, please correct me if this is an inccorect statement. If this is the case, if you only stopped a weeg ago when he found out, then that would probably push your husband away even more as it seems to be an active relationship. However had you stopped a long time ago and regretted and repented for it, you stood a much better chance of being forgiven by your husband and have a chance at this marriage.
It is totally unfair on your husband and this is why people shouldn't marry someone if they've still got flames for others, this poor man (your husband) is in the greatest pain of his life, you'll need to give him space and let him decide. Hopefully he makes the right decision and he ends up happy at the end of it, even if it's not what you wanted or want. I feel for the poor husband in this, I really do.
Hi sister Alsalsmu aliakum.
I thick what brother wael said is true & may Allah bless you brother.It was really a mistake you done by contacting with your ex as you know that are married.And since you are married it is better if you have stick with him because he is your husband and he is halal to you.why do you want to share your love and compassion to other man then him.I thick your husband really fells sad for that.
And you could have thick of that before taking a step to speak with your ex that is this a right thing i am doing as a married muslim woman?and if your husband did the same thing to u how u are going to fell?
But i thick that i dont have to make you suffer more.But as brother wael said when ever you done a mistake you have to pay for it.when ever we did a mistake we have to fell its pain in our hearts so that we can realize our mistakes and not to go back to it again.everyone makes mistakes & everyone have those days. an at the end we learn from it.so i hope that you have learned from your mistake and do not repeat it again.
And ask forgiveness from Allah.& your Husband to forgive u and be serious with him and not to repeat it.and i thick he will forgive you if Allah wills. because we do lots and uncountable sins and Allah is always forgiving us.yeah your sin is forgivable.Allah forgives each and every sin except shirk.
As Allah said in the on the authority of Anas I heard the messenger of Allah say,
(Allah the Almighty Has said ,Oh son of Adam so long as you call upon Me and ask of me I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind.O son of Adam were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you ask the forgiveness of Me ,I will forgive you.Oh son of Adam were you to come to me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me ascribing no partner to me I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as its.)
And also He said in His holy book(O my (slaves) who have transgressed against themselves(committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the mercy of Allah verily forgives all sins.truly He is oft-Forgiving,most merciful.
This is Allahs great mercy and forgiveness upon us.so ask Allahs forgiveness and to return your husband to you and make you both had a happy life forever.may Allah forgive us all.
Saja, you usually write "thick" but the word you want is "think". I've corrected it in your post in the past but it's better if you spell it correctly Insha'Allah, as it may confuse some people.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Alsalamu Alaikum brother
yeah, i really didt know that I am sorry for that.and thank you for the correction i will inshallah spell it correctly.may Allah bless you.
Assalamualikum sisi
first of all i may say that ALLAH will forgive if repent to him sincerely but honestly this is a very strange thing after three years of your marriage he got in touch with you and you didnt even think that you are married and troubled yorself with yor own hands ask to ALLAH sincerely for your forgiveness and explain it to your hubby that i did it by mistake as everyperson makes a mistake so please forgive me and promise him AND SPECIALLY TO ALLAH that you will never repeat this thing again INSHALLAH.
Sister Temi,
Please repent to Allah (swt). Dont go near the computer. Always be around him even if he is not talking to u yet give him his space. Prepare his fav breakfast and cook his fav meals. Tell him u need this or that for home (i dunno such as grocery or something)-basically continue with ur normal daily routine- take greater interest in his/ both of urs house life!!!. InshaAllah all this may show and make him realise that u still care a lot about him and ur marriage life!!!
And yes every other day apologise to him- he deserves apologies from u.. U have played around with his trust and so he is dearly hurt!!! Make him realise it was stupid/dumb mistake from ur end and that u will neverrrrr do it again!!!
Tell him that u love him/ur husband to bits!!! u knw ur husband. And dont over apologies or over cry... Just be sincere in ur apologies! It will take sometime,but InshaAllah he will forgive u and love u again... And pls dont disclose abt ur past transactions to ur husband!!! You just need to apologis for getting in conversation with ur ex again...
Wish u well.
Ur sister
x
the matter is upto your husband really, he will have the final say, whether it be in your favore [ie forgiveness] or whether he chooses to finish with you.
whatever he chooses, then you must submit to it.
this is my advice
sorry for late comments,
i hope that you are doing well in your marriage by now but i want to ad some very crucial points in this case,
women are emotional people and they must never be made to cut off their emotionally invested relationship to pursue a new one for security and economic reasons.
it will mostly backfire
for men, it is easy for us to form a new bond, but for women it is very hard and at some part of their new life, their past will come back and cause nothing but damage to both parties
so in my opinion, you should first analyse, if your relationshi with your husband is emotionally invested or its love generating because of comfort, care he provides you with?
i think this may answer your question
in islam, the sin of adultery is a lot bigger than the sin of fornication
regards
Assalamu o aliakum Dear brothers and sisters,
I came across this website because I am a victim of the same situation. I knew before my marriage that my wife was madly in love with a boy,(we all three are from a same college). He married some one else and she was completely broken. She also had suicidal tendencies because of his separation. I couldn't see someone dying like that.
Then intentionally I came in her life, supported her and married her. It's been 8 years we have had a loving married life with two kids.
But to my surprise, I found out that they had been talking to each other secretly for 4 months. The thing that hurt me most was they both hid it from me. The chat had some friendly phrases like dear, honey and care for each other.
Please suggest me what to do.
It is indeed a shameful thing for a wife to secretly talk to anybody. Only a husband knows how it feels and nobody can understand those feelings.