Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband watches porn but I’m afraid to confront him

Man staring at computer

I been married for more then a year now.  It was a love marriage.

I knew that my husband watches porn since we got married. because i use to check the history.  it hurt me a lot and i would cry over that. so i decided to talk to him about it.  i was also scared because he gets mad really fast and starts yelling at me.  but when i asked him, he said those were just pop-ups.  I didn't argue over that even though i knew the truth.

i thought he stopped because i didn't see anything after that.  but now recently, since like a month, i see that he started watching porn again.  i feel really low because i feel i probably don't satisfy him.

I can't talk to anybody about this, even though its killing me inside.  I don't want to even talk to him or see his face after that.  And its not like he's not religious.  He prays 5 times and even has a beard.

I don't even want to talk to him about this because im afraid, it will affect our relationship.  I try very hard to keep our relationship strong and im also very scared of his temper because he abuses and treats me really bad when he's mad.

I really need some advice.  Should i just ignore this or should i talk to him about it?

Isn't it haraam to watch porn especially when you are married?

- asdf123

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8 Responses »

  1. salam..
    Sorry for the pain u've been going through. I say talk to him about everything that hurts you, from his temper, how he treats you when mad to his watching of porn. It is the only way for you two to get on the same page and have some peace of mind. All will be well only if you make some effort.

    Allah be with you.

  2. My Dear sister I am making dua for you that Allah may help you in your sitiuation.

    It is always haram wether married or not. I understand your pain and it is hard to conforont and sometimes as human being we do not like our false is mentioned, but what you can do is:

    1. Try to make your home reliogious home by listening to Quran and dawa (preaching, specailly when he is with you try to open vedios about preaching Akhira and what is waiting us and how long is the distance of Akhira and how short is our good deeds)
    2. Try yourself to pray at night and ask Allah (asa wajalla) to make your family reliogious family and family that do good deeds, (we should also ask this Allah although we are not facing any problem, because we do not know what one is doing in our absence)

    Allah says in the Quran: Sahih International
    "And those who say, "Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous." Surah Al-furqan verse :74. And try to cure the desease without confronting him or making any problem to your family.

    3. Try to get advice from internet and how to stop Porn (may Allah keep us away from this bad network)..
    Try to preach him with your mouth I mean first study and then practice with him and if he tries to leave the scene try to be patient and again try and again.

    IF THIS/OTHER METHODS DO NOT WORK AFTER TRYING FOR THE LONG TIME (WEEKS) AND YOU KNOW THAT HE IS STILL DOING THAT ACTION THEN I THINK YOU SHOULD ASK ALLAH OUT OF HIS MERCY TO OPEN ANOTHER DOOR FOR YOU, BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO CAN NOT STOP PORN I THINK CAN NOT REFUSE TO MAKE FORNICATION WITH OTHER WOMEN AND YOU MAY RECEIVE HIV- VIRUS (MAY ALLAH KEEP US AWAY)....AND OFCOURSE YOU DO NOT NEED TO STAY IN THE SIN HOUSE HOLD. MAY ALLAH HELP YOU MY DEAR SISTER.

    Assalamu aleikum....

  3. Assalamualaikum,

    Sister, I understand your feeling. You married him for deen, but he turned to his desires.

    Subhanallah, having a caring and loving wife like you and being a religious person with the characteristic of Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam on his face, it is surprising that he can do such an act.

    Perhaps there is some problem. Maybe he isn't finding you as he expected. Did he ever tell you something of this nature? Maybe something frustrates him, which led him to turn to this evil.

    Have a check in the history again to see if they actually were pop-ups or complete web pages. If it is the latter, tell him that you know they were not pop-ups as those are web pages you have verified them this time.

    Be kind and ask him if you lack something or if there is anything that he expects from you which he hasn't been able to find. When you have a knowledge of what is wrong, then in sha Allah, the solution will be quite easy.

    If he simply has an addiction, you can try what brother Abdullah has suggested above. Make your home Islamic, play Quran, lectures of scholars, do readings from the books of Hadith such as Riyad as Saliheen, Fathul Bari, etc. the translations of which are available.

    Practice all the 5 prayers with their Sunan, pray Salatul Ishraaq/Dhuha/Lawwabeen, wake up for the Tahajjud and also wake him up for the same.

    Abu Hurayrah (radhi allahu anhu) reported that the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “May Allah have mercy on a man who wakes up at night, prays and wakes his wife to pray; and if she refuses, he sprinkles water on her face. And may Allah have mercy on a woman who wakes up at night, prays, and wakes her husband to pray and if he refuses, she sprinkles water on his face.” [(hasan) by Shaikh al- Albanee (Abu Dawood)]

    In sha Allah, when deen comes back in his life, he will leave it. So, do all you can, to make this happen. Evil and goodness can not stay in one heart. So, when deen comes into it, evil will automatically find an exit.

    Eeman does increase and decrease with time, and one needs to revive it. Though what your husband did was extremely wrong, try this with patience and in sha Allah, you find Allah with you, as He Says:

    Truly! Allah is with As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.)
    (al Baqarah:153)

    May Allah bring him back on track
    Aameen

    Wassalamualaikum

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Sister,

    I say confront him. A few years back, I caught my husband looking at porn via the web. I not only confronted him, I made him feel like dirt. I told him he was a hypocrite to watch porn and then pray. How does one go to Friday prayers and listen to the khutba then turn around and come home and offer prayer to Allah? If I caught him, I would let him know how it disgusted me and made me feel like nothing. I hated it. Alhumdillilah, he stopped and I have not seen him surf porn since. I'm not saying it can't be done behind my back but if I see it, ever...I will not be silent.

    Also sister, I do not know in which country you reside but if you live in the United States...if your husband hits you...ever, call the police at 911. No man has the right to beat his wife, especially when you are trying to talk sense into him about doing something that is going to lead him to hell. A night in jail and the fear of going back if he ever touches you should be enough to deter him from hitting you again.

    Salam

  5. As salam alaikee Sister,

    Watching porn is from the matters of the corrupt heart. Following of the desires leads to immoral behaviors so help him while his iman is low, give him support as his helpmates even if he doesn't know you are helping him. Allah places a wisdom in each women as to how to deal with her husband and you feel shy to address him for a reason. I suggest use wisdom, kindness and smiles.

    DO NOT mention what you have found but make every excuse for him. If He says the porn was pop ups then accept that and leave it and cover his faults so Allah will cover yours.[ It may cause a bigger problem if he feels you are spying on him by checking the history or that you are suspicious( both which are haraam)] But use the wisdom that Allah gives to the wife.

    Here is a suggestion get a book or maybe print out some article by Ibn al Qayyim and use them one per day. Ibn al Qayyim is called the heart doctor because he teaches about correcting the matter in our life that come about due to the corruption of the heart.

    Day 1. Make yourself beautiful and put on the perfume he likes and make a wonderful dinner. Set the table nice and make a little invitation card( with his name saying something like dinner for two) and sit it on the table. Invite him to share the meal with you in your most cheerful and smiling face. While sitting tell him many kind words.(You appreciate him and thank him for somethings he did in the past.)

    Day 2. Do the same thing accept no card just a beautiful smile. Give him a kind word ( He looks very handsome in that color ) ask him wouldn't it be nice if after dinner if you two could drink tea and read just a little Islam so Allah will bless you with more and better? Then read the artilce by Ibn al Qayyim maybe something like the description of paradise. It's a beautful reminder for everyone.

    Day 3. Again look beautiful and smile make a nice treat for him and have the house so clean and smelling great! Make a special drink or sweets ask him if you can follow the sunnah of eat from the same plate or share one cup making sure you drink from the same side.(Tell him you want to place your lip exactly where his lip were on the cup). Snuggle under him and then read about following desires and doubtful matters(Ibn al Qayyim).. This is a heavy topic so try not to say "SEE THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING!" Stay Calm and try to see your own faults from the past and not his from the present.

    Day 4. Tell him you have a surprise for him after your tea and reading( read about halal intimacy in islam) and wear something nice like a pretty gown and then surprise him by you calling him to the bed. Not like a porn star but his like his loving tender wife.

    Continue in this way until you both learn more about keeping the heart soft, being forgiving, trusting and communication your real feelings.

    The main thing is be patient and continue to pray to Allah for help. It maybe hard to treat him with kindness at first but Allah will place a goodness in kindness that will not be found in harshness.

    My Sister May Allah correct all of your affairs. ameen

    • Jazakillahu Khair for a beautiful response. And Alhamdulillah I endorae the book of Imam Ibn Qayyim you mentioned
      I think it is available at kalamullah.com

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. salaams,

    For anyone viewing this post, it is very strongly related and I can tell you my outcome so perhaps you will think twice about "talking sense" to him. It's been 8 years of marriage and extremely difficult. I discovered the porn in his apartment shortly after marriage. I thought he would overcome it. Unfortunately, this was not the case. I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be at his computer looking and "doing" it to himself. I was mortified. I confronted him and initially he said he would stop and begged me to stay. He tried to outstmart me and installed a program to erase the history, however, there was always a nagging feeling that something wasn't right. He became emotionally distant and over the next few years, I would catch him looking at it usually late at night or early in the morning. I suggested counselling but he would always deny that he looked at. We would argue because I clearly knew he was lying and I just wanted him to get help for his addiction. He ALWAYs got angry whenever I confronted him and he starting throwing blows at me (hitting my face or body - it was a beatup). I was miserable but there were young children. I knew that this would lead to him having an affair which it did. In those early years, I hung in there because I thought it was a test and I didn't want to fail in my marriage. I tried to do right. The porn made me feel inadequate somehow, but I now realize that I was wrong to think that. It's just a plain addiction and a wife cannot compete with the computer. We are still married but I have caught him looking at it with the children playing in the next room. Once, when he was angry, he had his laptop with the porn and the children were playing right at his feet. His Iman is weak. I still trust in god, but the children are the top priority. I am hanging in there but it is very, very difficult. My husband was never one to have a beard and he was surrounded by very westernized types who were out for fun. I am not saying that your outcome will be the same as mine, but I just wanted you to know what happened to me. It really is not you and he might say it is because of you when he's angry....but it's so hard to look the other way and pretend not to notice what is happening under your roof. If there are no children, you have to ask yourself: can he really kick the habit or will it spiral out of control (like it did for me)?

  7. I recently looked at my husbands history (remainder of comment deleted. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post, thank you. -IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

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