Husband’s daughter from someone else entering our lives
As Salaamu alaikum.. How do I react to having my husband's daughter from another person come to live with us?. We have four girls together and we are all Muslim, but the little girl is not.
'- Hana
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Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Attempting to blend a step-family is always difficult, and you have extra challenges to deal with since your step-daughter is not Muslim. You describe her as a "little girl", so inshAllah you will be able to influence her more easily than you would an older girl.
My advice to you would be to be extremely gentle with her. Consider the situation from her position - entering into a new life with strangers who have "weird" ways of doing things, adjusting to a new home, probably a new school and friends as well. If she has issues like a temper tantrum or acting out, do not react with anger and do not react physically. Allow your husband to take the lead with her and "ease into" the mother role.
Now, because she is new and you are wanting to be nice to her is not a reason to not have or enforce rules. If your girls go to bed at 8 pm, so should she, even if that is different from her previous routine. She should have to abide by rules of the house that are non-negotiable, such as not using bad words or hitting, and she should get discipline such as time out that is appropriate for her age. I suggest letting her father fulfill the discipline role at first so that you have a chance to develop a friendly relationship.
It is important that your daughters know that they are to treat this girl as their sister and be kind to her. Have a family sit-down meeting to discuss this, and ask the girls to reach out to their step-sister and include her in their lives. Let them know that she is not Muslim, and that they should try to explain things they do that she might not understand, such as "We say 'bismillah' before we eat and drink because we want God to bless our food".
You should be teaching your girls at home about Islam anyway, so you can include your stepdaughter in this. Explaining things like the Muslim God is the same as the Christian God, and we call Him Allah, and things like that, can help her to learn over time. If she shows an interest in what you are doing, like reading Qur'an or prayer, encourage that without making too big a deal of it. Show her how to write a letter in Arabic, or bake cookies and decorate them with Arabic letters in frosting. Make Islam a joy and not a chore, and inshAllah she will grow to love Islam over time. This can be an opportunity for all of you to grow as Muslims and increase your practice of Islam in the home.
There WILL be bumps in the road. You might get hit, or yelled at, or have "You're not my Mommy!" thrown at you. Remember that YOU are the grownup and you must be the mature one, and not return a harsh word with another. It is absolutely vital that you and your husband are on the same page and that you are not trying to do everything alone, so talk to him now so you will have a clear idea of the roles you both will play. InshAllah in time your family will evolve and be stronger, and she will be guided to Islam by your example. Always make du'a for this to happen.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
asalamu alaikum,
you need to spend time with the girl on a one on one basis, find out her likes and dislikes, the things that she likes doin the main point is that you need to find a common ground with her. also just cos she aint a muslim doesnt mean you have to treat her differently love her as your own, show her you care.
one more thing dont force her into bein a muslim its a possibilty on havin a opposite effect. best thing is wait since most of her time will be spent with her half sisters she will eventually pick up on these thin. as i always say slowly but surely..:)
ma salama