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The best advice is to ask Allah for guidance, and then follow your heart.

Question:

Assalamualaikum ppl, here is the case (sorry, as my post is very long but so much has happened);

I've known this guy for almost 2 years, I met him on the internet. When he asked for my hand my parents refused him straight away but I didn't understand why they were so against it in the beginning. I felt angry about this as I was very attached to him at this point, so I kept seeing him on and off for a year and a half. The guy said from the beginning that if my parents refused we could do nikah in secret and tell them afterwards if worst came to worst. I would never even contemplate something like this before, but the more attached I became the more I became sucked into this idea.

However, I kept on waivering as I always felt guilty for deceivng my parents' trust and on the other hand I couldn't bear the thought of losing this guy..  I really tried to break it off at times but when I tried I just didn't have the strength to walk away..  I just felt so much pain and emptiness inside which I can't explain.

I started to see negative things about the guy, as he would shout and put me down so much and yell abuse at me when he was angry about something. He would have all control over things like having my password to my online phone account and he would always expect me to comply to his demands otherwise he would lose it again.

One time I wanted my cousin to check over some insurance papers due to a car accident I had with this guy, but he got so angry that he banged his head on the steering wheel a number of times..  He thought I was not trusting him by asking someone else to check the papers..  At this point I was very worried and really considered ending things there and then, but I was still too weak to let go even after that happened.

The guy was under pressure from his family to get married so he said if I didn't marry him at that point, he would leave me. I decided to marry him but I was very reluctant at the same time because I knew this would devastate my parents and my whole family and the implications of this decision would come to follow. I doubted whether a nikah without my wali was even valid and I felt guilty so when the imam came I wouldnt say 'yes'. The imaam eventually left, he was very annoyed.

After I refused to give my consent the first time, the guy was so angry at me for letting him down infront of his family and started hurling abuse at me..  I wanted to go home alone, but he said he wanted to drive me home. He yelled at me all the way. I felt really guilty for backing off at this point and I did not want to lose him at the same time, so I told him I would go through it again, so he turned his car around (on that same day) and he arranged for another Imam to come round. I was still reluctant but I said 'yes' this time.

I felt that I had been standing at a cross roads and taken the wrong path and was confused. I went from Mosque to mosque for advice, as I wanted to be with this guy, but why was I not at peace. By this time we had consummated the marriage..  The guy knew I wasn't fully comfortable with the consummation but he wouldn't listen.

A few months later my family found the nikah certificate and confronted me. The guy came round and asked me if I wanted to go with him but because I could see how shaken up my family were I decided to stay with my parents this time. I was torn between my family, the guy and everyone was telling me that marriage is not valid without the guardian or father. Eventually the matter got to the shariah council, and the marriage got annulled.

However, I still kept in contact with the guy and even after everything I still wanted to be with him and I regretted not doing things differently and trying harder to work things out.

I tried to run away again, because I still wanted to try and work things out with him..  Plus he said to me that he would tell my parents that we had consummated the marriage and that I had been bad to him if I didnt go with him. He phoned my dad and told him we had consumated the marriage and said some other things about our physical relationship too. I felt so ashamed and expolited that I couldnt face my dad, so I tried to leave home, but partly also as I wanted to be with this guy aswell. My dad still remained patient and stuck by me because he thinks I'm really naiive and that this guy is taking advantage of me.

The police got involved in some matters, and very recently I was going to run away with him again because he said if I didnt go with him now and get our nikah done again, he would leave me. He says to me that I will never be happy without him because he is my everything and he said that he wouldnt ever let me get married to anyone if I left him.

Now my parents have agreed to the nikah because they are tired of having to watch over me out of fear that I will run away. Really they don't want this at all, they say they want to find me a husband who is pious, mannerful and educated...but I just want them to like the one I have chosen, even though they arent happy about it. For sure it will affect my relationship with my other family members, and everyone thinks I'm being selfish by doing this.

They are still very worried about the fact that this guy is not British, his student visa is running out and he is just after my visa. He said to me he would get a paper marriage done if it didnt work out with me. But then he also said that he doesnt want to marry me just for a visa. My aunty thinks that he wants to marry me because she thinks I have a very submissive personality and that suits his domineering character.

My parents are also worried because he has displayed his temper towards me infront of them by hitting me in public because he was upset at me for not standing up for him infront of my family. I questioned him about this later, he said he won't hit me again, but he said that husbands are allowed to hit their wives and that this is what happens in the Pakistani culture. I said that the Muhammed (saw) didn't ever hit his wives but he said that he is not the Prophet. They are worried that if he has already shown his violent nature towards me once he will begin to do it systematically later on.

They are worried that he will control everything I do, leaving me with no say. Another reason is because he said he prefers me not to work if he's earning enough money, and he said something similar infront of my dad. He would only allow me to work in specific fields like teaching. He has gotten angry at me in the past when I have wanted to buy things for myself, but he said that I should not think of spending my own money as he is there to protect and support me..  That bothered me sometimes.

Before, I used to pray Tahajjud Salah and Quran but since I've been involved in this situation, my connection with deen and Allah has decreased, I don't know why. I understand my parent's concerns, but at the same time I still have this belief inside me where things will work out later on and that I will be able to help him to improve on things like his anger problems. There is a certain amount of understanding between us, we listen to each other's opinions.

I know that my parent's concerns may turn out to be true, so those are risks that I have to be willing to take. I have been through so much with this person now, and I don't want all that time and effort to have gone in vain.

There is so.  much tension at home because of this, but I have already made my position clear to my family that I want to marry this guy..  I want to marry him because he's loyal, he's sincere and I trust him.

My aunty thinks I'm obsessed and that this he's just become a bad habit for me. But the thing is I feel that I can't leave him no matter what, as he's always been sincere to me and I've lied to him and my family so this is partly my fault. Do you think I am doing the right thing by forcing my father to agree to this nikah as I can't imagine being with anyone else?

Wael's Answer:

Dear Sister Alesha, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

Sister, it's clear that you are rushing headlong on a path to self-destruction, and you are even aware of this, and yet you continue to plunge forward anyway.

In the famous book, "40 hadith", we find this well known hadith:

On the authority of Wabisa bin Mabad, may Allah be pleased with him, who said:

I came to the messenger of Allah and he said: "You have come to ask about righteousness ?" I said:" Yes." He said: "Consult your heart. Righteousness is that about which the soul feels tranquil and the heart feels tranquil, and wrongdoing is that which wavers in the soul and moves to and from in the breast even though people again and again have given you their legal opinion [in its favor]."

(a good hadith transmetted from the Musnads of the two Imams, Ahmed bin Hanbal and Al-Darimi, with a good chain of authorities).

Some of your own statements, sister:

• I would never even contemplate something like this before, but the more attached I became the more I became sucked into this idea.
• I kept on waivering as I always felt guilty...
• I started to see negative things about the guy...
• I was very worried and really considered ending things there and then, but I was still too weak to let go...

And so on.

Your heart has been telling you all along that this relationship is unhealthy for you in many ways, but you ignore it. I've seen this before with young women who don't feel valued and don't have a real sense of themselves, so they commit themselves to the first boy who pays attention to them and says, "I love you," and a lot of the time the guy is an abuser, because abusers have a way of sniffing out girls who are vulnerable and have low self-esteem, and then preying on them.

Your marriage to this guy will be a trap, a dark hole from which you will not be able to climb. Sister, I receive many questions every week, and I see patterns in human behavior. My prediction is that if you marry this guy, five years from now you will be isolated, cut off from your family, with no money of your own. This man will be beating you, cursing at you, and probably cheating on you or married to a second wife, because he knows he can get away with it. You will be depressed to the point of being suicidal, but you will have no way out. Probably you will have a few children, and you will be ashamed to leave the man and go back to your own family. Maybe he will threaten that if you leave him, he will take the children.

And after all this abuse and living hell, you will still be saying, "But I love him!"

I see this so often and to be honest I have little patience for it. I know a sister who is so delicate and thin, and her husband is a martial arts practitioner, and he kicks her and hits her. He once punched her and broke her jaw. She was hospitalized for several days. A punch like that could have killed her. But did she leave him? No, she "loves" him!

It's pure self-delusion. She'll probably leave him in ten years, after he has broken how many bones and beat her so many times. Or maybe he'll kill her one day, may Allah protect her from that. I say, "May Allah protect her from that," but the truth is that the sister needs to protect herself as well, by leaving that man.

Sister Alesha, where is your self-esteem? Where is your sense of self-worth? How can you be with someone who doesn't respect you, curses and hits you, pressured you to get married by shouting at you, pressured you to consummate the marriage before you were ready, wants to control every aspect of your life... most importantly of all, your relationship with him is taking you away from your deen and your connection with Allah, instead of strengthening it? That is a huge sign saying, "Danger, danger!"

Every time your inner voice speaks up and says, "I don't like this," you suppress it and continue on. That is a big mistake. That inner voice is your salvation and you must listen to it.

I wish I could just say, "Be strong, follow your conscience, listen to your heart, and trust your family's love for you." But I think that most of all, you need to discover your sense of self-worth and I don't know how to give you that. Ask Allah, and read the Quran, and pray, and maybe Allah will give you what you need.

My advice is to break off your relationship with this man immediately and block all contact from him in the future.

Maybe you will surprise me and follow my advice, Insha'Allah. I hope so. If that happens, please write a follow up and let me know.

And Allah knows best.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.

"(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray."

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
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