I’m a convert wanting to marry without dating
In "Love in a Headscarf", Hijab-wearing Shelina is Oxford educated, more than moderately religious and has told her liberal-ish parents that she's up for an arranged marriage.
I've found a great Muslim guy, and we've been talking for a while and wanting to get married. Our views seem to match up great, he's very kind and we both did istikhara with great results.
Neither of us want to sin, which can happen if two Muslim people know each other for a while when they like each other, common sense.
But my mother isn't a Muslim and doesn't understand that and how we shouldn't know each other for several years before we marry.
I really need help explaining to her Islamically.
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Asalaamualaikum Haruka!! Congratulations on your reversion to Islam : ).
If you want to show your mother a positive example of how good marriage partners can be found without dating, the book shown in the picture above 'Love in a Headscarf' is an excellent place to start, lol. Another excellent example can be seen in the true account in 'The Girls of Riyadh'. Two girls suffer the heartache of divorce, separation, feelings of unworthniess after dating; whilst the more level headed girl keeps a tight reign over her feelings and gets to know a potential spouse in a more halaal manner - no chasing after the guy, no waiting up for phone calls that are never going to come, no tears of heartache, no guilt - she ends up in a happy marriage with him.
Your mother is used to a culture that believes it is the norm to date, have physical relations and live together before marriage and then after all that if you decide you don't actually want to spend your life together then you just separate....and you are left with nothing but heartache and pain.
You and your mother are going through a culture clash and your mother is just frightened of the unknown. Thats understandable though : ). Your mother cares about you and wants what is best for you but all of a sudden you want to marry someone who you hardly know!!! Or thats how its appears to be to your mother : ).
Explain to your mother that Islam has a different culture and way of finding a marriage partner, but its not so different to how it was done in western countries some decades ago either. Its a lot more conservative in its process, much quicker and less messy, but it does not ignore that both should be physically and intellectually attracted to each other.
Explain to her that Muslims do not believe in intimacy before marriage or in dating - if we did, there would be no point in 'marriage'. Allah has set clear guidelines about how we should interact with the opposite sex and you want to abide by Allah's laws.
Tell her what you are looking for in a husband - that you want someone who believes and practices the same religion as you and someone who has a good character. Then reassure her that:
- you are attracted to the person physically and intellectually and if you were to continue knowing this man without marrying him, it would lead to sin and that would make you very unhappy;
- that you are not rushing into things and that you are using your intellect to assess this person's character;
- that you are satisfied that you know enough about the 'things that matter' - eg: is he patient, respectful, kind, easy going, trustworthy etc?
Hopefully you know some people who also know this man - so you can ask about him too. This will further reassure your mother. Arrange some meetings between them both - let them get to know each other and if he is truly a nice character, your mother will pick up on this inshaAllah.
l have been looking for a muslim convert or an arab muslima but cannot find any exept in dating sites witch l dont trust however l have married and divorced an english woman who nearly destroyed me and was very violent toward me . l am a man a decent man of arab decent and loyal from a good family and educated . l would love to tell you my story so it can serve as a warning to other who marry none muslima but its a long story . l am very touched by these couple who are decent and genuine specially the girl may allah bless them with great children and happy life they well deserve . just go ahead and marry allah is with you your mother will come around after she sees you are very happy together .