Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve been hiding my marriage from my family for years and I can’t take it anymore

Keeping a relationship secret is damaging and unsustainable.
Keeping a relationship secret is damaging and unsustainable over the long run.


I married secretly with my husband. None of my family knew, but his relatives knew.

After a year i had courage to tell my mum and sisters, but my dad and brother still don't know. i have said i'm at university for 4 years but really i'm married and living with my husband. He is muslim reads namaz (prays) etc, but is of a different caste, so my dad will never accept him, plus my dad is a heart patient i cant take risk of upsetting him. so i have to lie to dad and brother that im still studying.

i am not happy living by hiding every day. i have to hide away from outside in case im seen with him, for example shopping. for 5-6 days i stay at home never go out, im not happy. my husbands family all is in pakistan, i stay alone at home everyday, sometimes my sisters secretly come to see me and mum but even thats very rare.

Now i am feeling that i should maybe leave him and marry my cousin of same caste as my parents wished so that i can stay within the eyes of my family. but my husband has looked after me well and works hard. i dont want to do bad with him i fear he will no longer have faith in anything if i leave him.

But life is very long. im only in my early 20s and living alone for the rest of my life is like a punishment and if i be honest im not happy. i cry every day/night when i remember how i used to be with my family, how i used to go out with them, travel with them and go to pakistan with them. my mums advice is that life is too long and i should gently let go of my husband so he marries elsewhere and i should re-marry to my cousin. im very confused, not well and cant sleep please help, i read namaz and just need some islamic advice in what to do.


Dear Sister, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

It's time to end the secrecy. Look at the damage that keeping this secret has done already: you have been lying for years, you are lonely and unhappy, and now you are thinking of divorcing a husband who is a good man and has treated you well! SubhanAllah! All because you are afraid to tell the truth.

Enough, sister. It's time to tell your father and brother the truth. Sincerity is the heart of Islam. Sincerity with Allah, sincerity with yourself, sincerity with your loved ones and your friends, sincerity with your customers or co-workers... And the same is true for honesty.

How can you think about divorcing a man who, as you say, has looked after you and works hard? Is that justice? Is that fair? Is that sincerity?

Suppose you divorce the husband you love and marry a cousin that you have no feelings for down the road, still pretending all the while that you were never married before. Picture yourself in that situation, a few years down the road. Do you think you will be happy? And will you continue to lie to your new husband, telling him that you were never married? What if your old husband gets angry or jealous and tells them the truth? Then what? Everything will be destroyed and you have accomplished nothing.

It's time to face the music, as they say. Tell your family the truth, and stick with your husband Insha'Allah.

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8 Responses »

  1. Praise be to Allaah.


    According to the majority of fuqahaa, in order for a marriage to be valid it is essential for the woman's wali (guardian) to be present. The wali is her father, then her son, if she has a son, then her brothers, then her brother's son, then her paternal uncles, then the sons of her paternal uncles, and so on in order of closeness among the male relatives on her father's side. If there is no one, then the ruler or the qaadi (judge) is her guardian, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "There is no marriage without a guardian." Narrated by Abu Dawood (2085), al-Tirmidhi(1101) and Ibn Maajah (1881) from the hadeeth of Abu Moosa al-Ashâ'ari; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

    And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, and if there is a dipute, then the ruler is the guardian of the one who has no guardian." Narrated by Ahmad (24417), Abu Dawood (2083) and al-Tirmidhi (1102); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaamia' (2709).

    Based on this, this girl's marriage that was done in this manner is not valid, because it was done without the presence or consent of her guardian. The basic principle is that they should be separated, and there is no need for a divorce because the marriage was not valid in the first place. But as some scholars regard marriage without a wali as valid (even though this is a weak view), then divorce should be done. It is sufficient for the husband to speak the words of divorce, and it is not necessary to bring the witnesses who witnessed the marriage.

    Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: If a woman gets married in an invalid manner, it is not permissible for someone else to marry her until she is divorced or the marriage is annulled. End quote from al-Mughni (7/9).

    If he divorces her and her 'iddah has ended, then it is permissible for her to marry someone else.

    Sorry to say sis,your marriage is invalid because of the above reasons....You living with him is zina.You should get married to him again with your father's consent.

    Pls refer to scholars or fatwa sites. for serious matters.A layman is not worthy to answer everything.

  2. Sister Khadijah, jazak Allah khayr for providing more information. However, you too are a layperson and are not qualified to tell this sister that her marriage is invalid and that she is living in zinaa, especially since you do not have all the facts. That is a very big declaration to make. For example, how do you know that someone aside from her father and brother did not act as her wakeel? And if she had someone else, even if the father was supposed to be the first choice for wakeel, does it invalidate the marriage?

    Or am I wrong, are you a scholar qualified to give fatwas?

    For exactly that reason I do not give fatwas. I merely advised the sister to end the secrecy and tell her father the truth.

    In any case I agree with your conclusion that if the marriage is invalid, she should remarry him with her father's consent.

  3. Assalamu alaikum waarhmathullahi wabarkathuhu

    May Allah forgive us all if we are erring,ameen.
    Brother Wael,I apologize for leaving such an abrupt coment.Its a mistake on my part for the confusion.Im sorry.

    I agree that I am a lay person too.What i meant is that ,Its not advisable to ask any lay man.

    And about issuing fatwas,no Im not a scholar.But alhamdulillah,I seek scholarly(who go only by Quran and sunnah) opinions for all my queries and that is my advice to her too.To everyone actually.

    I didnot give my own fatwas,but I searched for her on a very reliable site. I copy pasted from a similar question.May be its a mistake.Asthagfirullah.

    And if you look at the question properly,she has clearly mentioned that she married without her family's knowledge and she has yet to tell her brother and father.So naturally her marriage was without a wali.

    And hereis a detailed answer regarding the importance given to a wali by ourprophet Muhammad(sallallahu alaihi wassalam)

    Also the first answerer has given only HIS opinion.

  4. ...rather than referring to what Islam says about it.

    I hope this comment reaches you as humbly as I have written it.

    Here i s another question with a question like hers
    Assalamu alaikum warahmahullahi wabarakathuhu

  5. as per sister Khadija " If there is no one, then the ruler or the qaadi (judge) is her guardian"
    then if she had the qaadi as the wali then her marriage should be valid.

    • How do you figure that, stranger? "If there is no one" means her father has passed away, and she has no brothers or other male relatives who can act as the wali.

      It doesn't mean there is no one because she concealed it from them.

  6. in hanafi madahib its not necessary to have a wali but to have a wakil .
    " In Hanafi Madhhab the consent of a wali is not a must-condition for the marriage of a girl who has exceeded the age of puberty. It is mustahab before the nikah to ask for the permission of a girl who has passed the age of puberty. The person to whom she gives her permission becomes her wakil. "

    • I have just followed your link and read the article. I find a lot of very strange things in it that are not supported by evidence. Dispensing with the wali, the groom appointing himself as wakil, marrying underage girls... and no evidence quoted for any of it.

      Sorry, I am deleting the link because I don't think it provides good information. And Allah knows best.

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