Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Mother says I am too young to marry

Salam Alaykum Everyone,


I am a 20 year old ambitious girl. I am the youngest at home and I have 2 elder brother and sister. Both of them are not yet married and one is 30 and the other is 28. I am not praising myself or anything but alHamdullah I have never been the girl who spends time with boys and I never encouraged the idea of dating and have been always advising against it. I always pray and Hamdullah I am committed to Islam properly.

Last summer, I got to know one guy through the social media and I accepted him in my list because his family name was related to my father's family. We talked and talked for a week maybe and he proposed and asked for my hand. We weren't in a relationship we were just friends for a week. So he started properly.

Then, I told my family and my mother was surprised. Note that my mother has some mental issues - paranoia and depression but she is 45% normal. As well as my brother has issues since he has no friends at all and follows my mother everywhere and he kind of has a weak personality.

The man's mother approached my mom and asked to come home. My mother welcomed her and said its okay. However, I did a mistake that i talked with him on the phone and my brother caught me and hit me very violently and i stayed in the hospital for 4 days due to the abuse. After that my mother rejected the man's family objecting that I didn't finish my higher education yet and when I graduate there will be another talk.

Since then, many things happened. We got closer to my father's family since my mom and father are divorced and my mother used to dislike them but she started to be better with them too. She also told all my aunts (father side) about my issue complaining that I changed after what happened. I talked with my uncle and told him about it and he said that legally talking should be to my grandfather since my father isn't alive not my mother. And now I gave the guy's family my uncle's number.

It's been an exact year now since the latter happened. and I am very very scared and nervous. I don't know what will my mother say. Should I tell her before having the man's family approach my grandfather? Should I do anything else? I am afraid that my mother will reject them again. and It is really embarrassing for me since his mother has been sending me gifts and calling me and she loves me a lot and the guy really wants me and he is very much serious.

The objection of my mother and brother also was that they think im too young to decide and that I can't marry the first man i fall in love with. Maybe I'll find a better man and that he is not the best I'll find!
What is your answer to what they are saying? How can I approach them in the best way without making them think that i am immature? Islam have encouraged early marriage!

- Looya
Note that: I prayed Istikhara before even talking with him only innocently on the internet. I also prayed Istikhara after he proposed.

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3 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister Looya,

    If no one seems to help you with your marriage, you may seek help of the Imam of your local mosque.

    Your brother seems to be very violent in approach to your talking to a guy. 4 days in hospital by his hit?

    I do not know if he may cause you more harm in anger if you chose to marry the guy overlooking your mother and brother's decision.

    You may seek help of uncles, grand father and people capabale of helping you get married.

    No age is free from mistake. 15 or 50 years, a man or woman do not know what sort of partner a person would turn out to be. Only Allah knows. Yes, people who have seen life more may give judgement, decision, based on their experience of life, other than that, people stand in the same line regardless of age.

    As Muslims we should take good advice and choose the best from it, Insha Allah.

    So take care of yourself, of your security as well and turn to Allah for help and guidance, without turning to Him a Muslim would wander blindly. So seek His help.

    May Allah ease your way ahead.

    My du'aa to Allah for your khair and happy marriage.

    Your brother.

  2. As salamu alaykum, Sister Looya,

    "If there is no father, then the grandfather is the wali. If there is no grandfather then her brothers are her walis, and it is does not matter if they are younger than her, but it is essential that the wali be an adult. If one of her brothers is an adult then he is her wali, even if he is younger than her."

    Your uncle will know how to handle the situation, insha´Allah. Your mother may get annoyed if you don´t tell her what you did, but if she wants to have good relations with her inlaws, she may not say anything about it, insha´Allah.

    Your security and your life is priority number one, your brother has reacted violently once, careful about this. If you are scared of your brother, you should tell your family to be protected.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María Editor

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