Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I marry her now I know she is not a virgin?

It was brought to my knowledge that my fiancee is not a virgin. It is hard for me to accept this and I have wanted to ask someone about it. She lost it to the guy she was dating prior to me and she didn't tell me because she thought that I would leave her.

Now I don't know what to do or think.

Should I accept her still or should I back off from everything?

-mmoosa245


Tagged as: , , , , , ,

71 Responses »

  1. Salaam mmoosa,

    If I am honest, the choice is down to you.
    The main things to consider are: has she repented? If she has sincerely repented and made amends she is no longer considered a zania (fornicator) and is lawful to you (assuming you are not zania.)

    So provided she has changed and left her past behind, it is better to consider who she is now rather than what she did in the past. However, only you know whether this is something that will bother you for a long time, or whether it;'s something you can let go of. Unsurprisingly it hurts. This is one the reasons we should hide our sins from others because they should be kept between us and Allah swt.

    I advise you to only marry this girl if you can let go of her past honestly and make a clean slate. It might take a while but don't marry her until you do. If you really can't dear brother then you should definietly consider leaving her, because it will eat at you and form a barrier in your marriage.

    If she has repented and changed, the last thing she needs is to be reminded of her past in later arguments (which inevitably happen at times in marriage.) So for her sake if you really cant move on then its better if you end it. But only you know whether you can or not. Do istikhaarah if you are not sure. Please read the links below very carefully to make sure you do it properly and know what to look out for. Allah knows if you both are good for each other or not,so seek His guidance

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/power-of-salat-ul-istikhara/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/istikhara-for-second-marriage/

    I pray that Allah swt gives you and this girl the best spouse.
    Ameen

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Are you a virgin? If not then you are "like for like", which is what is recommended.

    Also, get over it, she didn't get glued to this other guy, and in most countries you are not brought up with strict Islamic values so its hard to blame her.

    Further, the main issue of concern is her connection with the previous guy, does she have feelings for him?or contact with him? or the ability to contact him? how long has it been since her last contact?has she fully detached herself from that emotional connection with him....if not...you have a big problem...not of you accepting her...but her having the ability to accept you. And women do compare.

    sorry to turn the tables, but that's the reality.

    • There are non-Muslims who are virgins, so living in the West or a non-Islamic country is no excuse to engage in fornication. Also, women tend to compare love rather than sex, if you could escape the public misconceptions of film and television and its' exploitation that devalue women into mere sexual beings.

      Your perception of reality is based on narcissism rather than optimism, and perhaps personal experience rather than behavioral studies which bear this analysis as being more correct.

      • Site Admin taking sides? lol typical modern muslim behaviour. This was my final attempt to bother with the 'muslim community' considering in real life I have only come across cons and thieves. I shall take the hint and leave. And its sad that the non muslims are right about the modern muslims character. Utter disgrace.

        • Kash, Salaams,

          Professor X is not a site admin. Professor X posts their comments and opinions here just like you and others. Only those who sign their name as editors are formally linked to this site. Just thought I would correct the misunderstanding, before you go "taking the hint and leaving" unnecessarily.

          -Amy
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Walaikumaslaam Amy,

            I was referring to my response to ProffX's post, which was removed-it wasn't inappropriate nor excessive, regardless I am not protesting. Despite being Muslim, ten yrs have taught me I don't have a place in this community, on or offline. In a past life i spent most of my time beating Muslim guys up, the more I try to engage with the community the so called 'brothers', feminine attributes bring those days back.

            Anyways,it was interesting. Jazakallah Khairun

    • 'Are you a virgin? If not then you are "like for like", which is what is recommended.'

      This comment takes away the seriosuness of the act, it almost says if you commit zina, and you marry someone who has also then it is fine, but thats false, both should repent and understand the severity of what they have done, furthermore you playing down the females role in this by blaming the country being less strict is typical, its like how many muslims say if others have a bf/gf then so will we, but fail to consider that this is the weakness in their iman rather than the country they reside in, if one is taught well then whether they live in a playground of fornication or a garden of piety, their faith in Allah will not change, blaming people makes the sin justifyable, and no-one justifies sins better than shaytan, so be careful what you suggest.

      • And I agree with you, i didn’t blame the country i did also say “not brought up with strict Islamic values” which could be for many reasons-although the reason mostly seems to be peer pressure, inevitably that will lead to a person being unable to make decisions based on Islamic teachings...this will lead to allsorts of actions considered wrong in Islam. Such people may have no iman at all.
        And my opening statement addresses those very people, and acts as a reminder to those who sleep around and want to marry a virgin, forgetting their own actions.
        SO what about these people? Repentance and forgiveness right?...so lets say they have gone through repentance.
        Having sex is not just a simple act that many can perform without a deep and powerful emotional connection, not everyone can detach themselves from that connection, hence my statements in the later part of my entry. You can repent and seek forgiveness but if you still have an emotional connection with that person you had sex with, this is completely unfair on the new partner.

        • I see, your taking the emotional aspect of virginity, i understand your point in that context, however love is non existent before marriage, so clearly the 'emotional connection' is false, and as i said many times, in relationships outside of marriage, lust is disguised as love, the same way lust for sex with your partner, is disguised as feelings of intense 'emotion and love', so there isnt a emotional connection, but rather a beleif at the time that its time to move to the 'next stage', when in reality its all lust, tbh when it comes to muslims, do boys really care about the girl ?, the girls dreams of weddings, and develops a 'hazed emotional attachment', the boy thinks of sex and that alone, so once both engage in sex, the boy has completed his mission, and the girl just got to see her relationship in HD, then she sobs, crys and... moves on, 'emotional connection' dead and buried, before you say there are also good guys, well if they were good they wouldnt be engaging in sexual acts with muslim sisters !!

          • So marriage is some what like magic spell which means marriage=love !!!! lol XD

          • These comments lose all credibility the moment you say that all love outside of marriage is false.

          • Actually, I mostly agree with him. We see a beautiful girl and call it "love", when in reality it's just lust or desire. True love takes time to build. It is based on mutual respect, compassion, and helping one another in life. All of that takes a deep emotional bond, which is something that happens in marriage. Of course it can happen in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship as well, but from an Islamic perspective that is illegitimate and haram. Therefore, Islamically, love=marriage (ideally and hopefully).

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Brother mmoosa245,

    First of all your fiance, should not have revealed her past to you.

    And second, if you cannot accept what your fiance reveal to you then please kindly leave her and if ppl asks why you broke the engagement, then PLEASE BE KIND AND DO NOT UTTER A WORD OF HER PAST TO SOMEONE ELSE. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF FOR REST OF YOUR LIFE. As a believer in Islam you need to protect her dignity and self respect within the community- even if you don't marry her.

    On the other hand, if you sincerely like her, and if in your HEART you got the space to forgive her then inshaAllah marry her but still NEVER UTTER HER PAST TO HER, EVEN IN STATE OF ANGER.

    Futhermore, please re-read sister Sara's and brother Kash's response to your situation.

    Best wishes,
    Parveen
    Ps. If you do decide to marry then please and please don't give her hard time after marriage- it is just not fair but really cruel and horrible thing to do. In Islam, it says, the best is he, who is best to his wife.

  4. I think you should accept her if you can live with this and DO NOT EVER BRING IT UP IN FRONT OF HER EVER again after marriage. We are all human and we make mistakes and it's not about sex maybe she thought she loved this guy because in the west it's all about love. So do not blame her for what she has done. On the other hand, are you a virgin? Because it's not fair for her to accept you as a non virgin and you not accept her as a non virgin. If she has truly repented and realized her mistake than accept her. But remember one thing, The Shaytan will use this later on to bring horrible thoughts in your mind so be ready and cool headed and again to NEVER EVER bring it up again because once you accept her she will think you are really nice and love her so do not break that all she will give you.

  5. Salaam,
    My advice is have a big heart and marry her, if like said before you cant find it in yourself to forgive then leave her, key thing to understand is you dont marry the body, you marry the soul, and while she may not be a virgin, she still is pure at heart(considering shes repented), and if you marry with the thought that your marrying the soul then you have no problem, i intend to marry a non-virgin, because i realised it was the soul and not the body, dont get me wrong it hurts at start but you can get over it, and its possible to live a happy married life inshaAllah. but i must say if you ever bring up in a argument then you are a hypocrite, problems always appear in marriages, thats shaytans plan, but we must persevere and keep faith in Allah, if you recall her past then you will hurt her and this is bad for a harmonious marriage.
    hope you have it in you to forgive inshaAllah.

  6. Asalaam alalikum,

    The thoughtful advice given is good, but I don't think one aspect was brought up: Why do you value a virgin woman to the extent of ending this possible marriage? I do not mean to devalue virginity, but to ask you to question what your own individual desires, needs and wants are in this matter with sincerity. If you need a virgin that is fine and acceptable, but just consider in-depth why you feel this way.

    By answering that question, you will be able to examine your intentions in this matter and you will be able to ascertain whether you will be able to forgive and forget her past.

    Also, how did you find out exactly? If it was through geebah/gossip than please understand that it was only meant to harm her and you. If it was through her confession, she was seeking to hide you from it, confessed to be truthful to you and as you said, she did not want to lose you.

    Think about that last part for a bit: she sees you as someone she doesn't want to lose as her future husband. That says a lot about how much she values you as a man. It's food for thought as you contemplate what to do next.

    • Professor X let's be realistic instead of living in the buble of emotion.

      If she valued brother mmoosa245 than she must outlif mahr.She valued her ex so slept with her ex without any condition such like mahr but she has condition of mahr on sleeping with brother mmoosa245 .How she is valuing so much as man.

  7. The prophet [a.s] mostly encouraged his companions to marry virgins rather than matrons, but not always.

    Jabir bin 'Abdullah said:
    When I got married, Allah's Apostle said to me, "What type of lady have you married?" I replied, "I have married a matron' He said, "Why, don't you have a liking for the virgins and for fondling them?" Jabir also said: Allah's Apostle said, "Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you might play with her and she with you?'
    Jabir replied, oh messenger of Allah, i have two young sisters and did not see it befitting that i marry another young girl like them, i wanted someone to take care of them and teach them"
    you have made the correct decision, oh jabir.

    and other ahadeeth which the prophet[saww] said
    "marry virgins for their mouth is sweeter and their wombs are more fertile and they are satisfied with less [ie sexually]"

    Brother if you're the kind of a person who will bring her past up when you get agry at her, then dont marry her.
    you know yourself.
    If you can let it go completely, and you're strong enough, then go for it.

  8. Dear Brother,

    Like she had said it herself, its in her past. She revealed it to you because she did not want you to hear it from someone else. If she did not have that much of respect for you, she would have kept it for herself. Instead she had chosen to step into this marriage with full disclosure so that you will not feel cheated.

    If it is bothering you, then I suggest you do not marry this girl. It takes a lot for someone to be completely honest esp when they have done wrong in the past. It says a LOT more about a person when they recover from their mistakes and repent esp for a sin as big as zina.

    If you choose not to marry this girl, then do not tell others what she has told you. If you choose to marry her, then you have to accept that what she had done is in the past and that she had repented and do not bring it up when you are married.

    • She should've kept it to herself, regardless of whether he was going to hear from someone else.
      If that was to happen, first of all, there is no clear cut proof of what she did, and then if he comes to ask her, it is sufficient for her to reply "my sins are between me and my lord"..

      If alot muslim women understood their rights, they wouldnt be wronged.

  9. I did zina.. I'm a femal unmarried..I did zina at the age of 12..i was not BALIG..im very sorry to Allah for that .now I'm 18..Balig...kindly tell me how to become clean (pak) again..how to stop mani(semen)
    Plz plz reply ..I beg u ..plZ
    M very upset

    I spend days and months to pray to Allah for forgiviness ... Now I am 18 and this is time for looking for husband and family, but I am afraid that I will not find a good muslim, because he will never accept me and what will happen when he knows I'm not a virgin although I changed and follow Islam now!!

    • Sister Faiza,
      You don't have to give every detail to your parents etc about why you want to see a doctor. Also, as I said before that if you repent sincerely and promise not to commit the sin again then Allah (swt) will forgive iA. As for your marriage, you are still young and should concentrate on studies; not saying that there is anything wrong with marrying young. No one needs to know about your past, that is between you and Allah (swt). Masha Allah it's good that you have learned from your mistakes and have taken Islam seriously. If you need further advice, please log in and write your question as a separate post and it will be answered on it's turn, or read the advice already given for similar cases.

      Any more comments from this point forward will be deleted instantly. May Allah (swt) help you move on in your life and bless you with good in future be it education, career, spouse/family etc. Amin

      Muhammad1982,
      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  10. Asalamalikum

    I would suggest you if you yourself have not committed this you this sin then you must not marry her, not becuase she has committed zina but just becuase you may not be able to let this fact go in future this feeling will difintely hunt you down in your futurelife becuase thats male nature females do forgive not males.

    May Allah swt help you both in taking the right decision

    jazakallah kahir

  11. im non virgin girl.i sincerely repented for my mistakes.i pray tahajud n repent for as what i did.but vl i get evmdr marry as wat evr proposal coming fr me r rejecting me thought i luk gud .im totataly dipresed.pls say me any wazifa for my mariage please

    • There is no such thing as wazifa in Islam which will make you get anything you want like magic or machine. You can only make sincere du'a, and Allah will listen and give you at the right time. So continue making dua in your tahajjud, and rely on Allah.

      You may also say the following du'as, which are from the Holy Quran and Sunnah:

      "Rabbi innee limaaa Anzalta ilayya min khayrin-faqeer", meaning "My Lord, I am in dire need of whatever good you might send down to me". (see Quran 28: 24)

      And, "Laa ilaaha illaa Anta, subhaanaka, innee kuntu minaz-zalimeen", meaning, "there is no god but You, You are far exalted and above all weaknesses, and I was indeed the wrongdoer". (Tirimidhi. See Quran 21: 87)

      May Allah ease your difficulties, and bless you with a righteous husband soon. Ameen!

  12. Asalamalikum,

    I fell in love and married a beautiful women who then told after that me she had sex with 2 guys a few years before and took part in the act in only one of them at the end of one of those relationships; she thought she could buy love by giving her body saying, reiterating that one thing led to another, but ultimately she initially lied by saying before marriage that she was raped in her boyfriend's house when his mother and father was out.

    I was not only angry and dissapointed and upset, I knew I could not live with this even after a few years of trying and divorced her even though I loved her beyond words at the time. I could not help at looking at her dirty and calling her dirty names even though i knew it was wrong. It bothered me every day, and trying to fight it for a few years thinking it would fade away eventually. We have two children who I have a good relationship with and get on with the mother but who has told me she is now experiencing the same problem with her new husband who found out that one of the guys she slepped with was previously her husbands old high school classmate who he later hated for sweat talking girls into sex and leaving them!

    Now looking back, leaving her was the best thing I ever did and for both of us. I since met a women who was a virgin before I married her and I feel now I have really found real true love and have utmost respect for her treat her like a queen and she is very loving towards me.We are now very happy with three kids.

    If anyone is in this similar position, then don't make the mistake of letting it go on for years like a complete idiot like me as it affects the kids too, if you cannot accept it like i could not then be man enough to get out for the better for both of you!!! From what I know now, beware of 'Oh I was raped stories, as they are quite common with muslim girls who have a past; to cover their tracks in case it something comes out!

    To finish off, yes I was proudly a virgin before I was married and feel Allah has rewarded me and could not ask for a better wife who gives me the peace of mind, respect and love.

    Wasalaam

  13. Brother if you are not virgin yourself then you have no basis to doubt the girl, if you could change after committing fornication, so can she.

    however i strongly condemn sex-before-marriage for both men and women, dont take me wrong.
    sadly, either gender losing their virginity before marriage indicates poor self control and a go with the flow attitude. if the girl is muslim ( i assume she is) she must have for sure done her tawbah and im sure is a changed person.

    big BUT, being a guy, i know these things tend to stick to our minds and we are unable to get over them especially if the guy himself has not engaged in this haram act.

    brother the fact that you are here, and are for sure asking others what to do, this issue of her past has stung you and it may stick with you for the rest of your life. what ever she may do, you will always bring this past of hers and end up making matters worse, and the marriage may not be a happy one.

    my recommendation, walk away.

    • big BUT, being a guy, i know these things tend to stick to our minds and we are unable to get over them

      -Always wondered about this, never got a answer other then this is how man are programmed. How come a man cant stand this?

  14. Demise,

    just think about some aspect of you husband, that if you came to know about his past you could never forgive him/look at him the same way or would want to live with him anymore...i am not a woman so i wouldnt know what triggers that unforgiving nature in you.

    having said that, i guess men are wired from birth about having that one woman they can trust with their life, one who deserves all their love and affection, the one they deem worthy of spending their lives with. And because men themselves are the more aggressive gender when it comes to sex and other physical pleasures that they want their one woman to be just for them, past present and future.

    its terrible for men who fall in love with women who have such pasts...feels like the end of the world lol especially if they come to know later.

    cant explain it clearer than that sis.

    • Br. Demise is not a sister.

      Regarding women: the Sahaba and the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, did marry women who were previously married. So, if it is true that men only want a woman that is only for them, that basically means that once a woman is widowed or divorced as well (leaving relationships beside marriage aside for a moment), would have no chance in Islam--yet, that wasn't the practice. This ideology, I think, has festered and birthed in the culture people have been brought up in. If you look at the Hindu culture, a widow was burnt alive with the death of her husband OR had to wear white for the rest of her life after her husband's death and it was unthinkable for her to remarry--and we all know how much the Hindu culture has influenced the Indian Subcontinent including people of the Muslim faith.

    • "...i am not a woman so i wouldnt know what triggers that unforgiving nature in you."

      -Im not a women

      "i guess men are wired from birth about having that one woman they can trust with their life, one who deserves all their love and affection, the one they deem worthy of spending their lives with. And because men themselves are the more aggressive gender"

      -Once again this wiring or programmed nonsense. Then how come man in the Canada and America and other parts of the west have no problem with this. They get married knowing the women isn't a virgin, or that she has had many bfs. So I believe its wrong to say man are wired like this , this has a lot to do with culture bs. 2 reasons that man in the west do not care about this is because most aren't muslims or have had man gfs themselves, but talking with many of my non muslim friends , they have told me its because they don't need to know every little detail about the women , and they aren't going to hold the fact that she had many relationships before against her and loose the chance of being with a amazing women.

      -This is how a muslim man should somewhat be in my opinion, if the women truly has repented then why is she still considered so in-pure and as soon as the man finds out he lashes out at her and wants divorce or cancels the marriage. As if he hasn't don't anything wrong in his life , or is an angel. Furthermore he himself may have had gfs in the past, if he cant live with the fact that another man has seen his wife naked , then why does he see another mans future wife naked. (There's alot of posts regarding this on here)

      -This is nothing but hypocrisy, and then given a baseless reason like "its how man are programmed"

      • It is normal and natural to be somewhat possessive of your partner and jealous, for men and for women. It's a part of human nature. And it's normal to be bothered by the thought of your partner being with someone else before you met them. If the previous relationship was halal, a mature Muslim will accept it and suppress any feelings of jealousy. But if the previous relationship was haram, then some jealousy is natural.

        You wrote, "Then how come man in the Canada and America and other parts of the west have no problem with this. They get married knowing the women isn't a virgin, or that she has had many bfs... This is how a muslim man should somewhat be in my opinion..."

        Astaghfirullah. The non-Muslims are not like this because they are open minded or easy going, as you imply. It's because the society's morals are completely corrupt. As you said, it's common for men and women to have many sexual partners, often without any relationship at all, just having casual sex, sometimes on the first date. The men accept it because they are a part of the same sinful lifestyle. They do not even see it as sinful. When one is immersed in corruption, the corruption seems normal, just as good food tastes bad when one is sick.

        Also, non-Muslim adult virgins are rare in American society. It would be unrealistic for a man to expect his partner to be chaste. So of course he accepts her past because he has no choice - and he too has a past.

        The normalization and acceptance of a sinful lifestyle is not something to aspire to! SubhanAllah. It is a sign that society is morally lost! In the past, some nations were destroyed by Allah because the worst sins became common and accepted.

        A Muslim should have an expectation that a potential marriage partner is chaste. And he should be bothered if she is not (and vice versa). Doesn't Allah say: “A man guilty of adultery or fornication does not marry other than a woman guilty of adultery or fornication, or an idolatress, and as for a woman who committed adultery or fornication, no one but a man who committed adultery or fornication, or an idolater, marries her. And that has been prohibited for the Believers.” [al-Quran 24:3]

        Why is this? Because the lifestyles are incompatible. One is (Insha'Allah) striving for Jannah and obeying Allah, while another is lost in jahiliyyah (ignorance of the truth).

        If you are advocating that a Muslim should try to be like a non-Muslim in accepting sin and not being bothered by it, then you are way off base, and you have been too much affected by the non-Muslim society around you. You need to take a serious look at the friendships you choose to keep and the environment you are in. Try to surround yourself with people of faith, and stay in Islamic environments as much as possible, so that the Islamic way will seem to you like the normal way, and the un-Islamic way will seem wrong, because this is the reality.

        With all this said, I will add that if a woman (or man) has made tawbah and changed her life for the better, and has been living a chaste lifestyle for some time, then a Muslim man might choose to overlook her past, so that he might gain a good wife. If he makes this choice then he should try to let go of his jealousy, so that he can enjoy a happy marriage.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • "And it's normal to be bothered by the thought of your partner being with someone else before you met them."

          -Being just bothered is different, in most cases it goes a lot further then just being bothered. Also the person never had come out and tell their spouse that they had done something haram in the past and now are repenting for it, but if they do why hold it against them?

          A Muslim should have an expectation that a potential marriage partner is chaste. And he should be bothered if she is not (and vice versa).

          -What if the person is a rape victim, what then? or what if the person is now a changed person. What exactly is the reason that a person should be bothered? Has he committed the sin? Was it his body? Why hold it against the person?

          "If you are advocating that a Muslim should try to be like a non-Muslim in accepting sin and not being bothered by it, then you are way off base, and you have been too much affected by the non-Muslim society around you. You need to take a serious look at the friendships you choose to keep and the environment you are in. Try to surround yourself with people of faith, and stay in Islamic environments as much as possible, so that the Islamic way will seem to you like the normal way, and the un-Islamic way will seem wrong, because this is the reality."

          -Im not advocating anything of such vulgar nature.

          "With all this said, I will add that if a woman (or man) has made tawbah and changed her life for the better, and has been living a chaste lifestyle for some time, then a Muslim man might choose to overlook her past, so that he might gain a good wife. If he makes this choice then he should try to let go of his jealousy, so that he can enjoy a happy marriage"

          -This is what I meant.

          • Hence the reason I typed "somewhat like" and not "like"

          • Please stay on point. I was not talking about rape, but about willful disobedience to Allah by living a sinful lifestyle, and failure to repent or change. Chastity is a choice. Rape robs a person of choice, so it does not make one unchaste.

            Please do not argue just for the sake of argument.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • How can you dare call our culture corrupt? What gives you that right?

  15. Demise, apologies, your nick name sounds feminine and the fact that you do not understand the mind set of men worrying about their woman's past lead me to think you are a woman.

    Saba and Demise, i suppose i have quite frequently in my response mentioned "pre-marriage sex and sex before marriage for both men and women"

    Saba, please do not compare me with the likes of Hindus, their beliefs are disgusting and their lives are just lost in the dark.

    Marrying a widowed woman is perfectly fine and very noble, a few of my friends are married to widowed/divorced women and i really look up to them. so that is not the point here, my point is if a woman loses her chastity outside the boundaries of marriage then yes it is worrisome for her would-be husband.

    problem is compounded if the man is virgin himself and has had minimal interactions with the opposite gender. However, if he himself has engaged in haram acts, then he indeed is a hypocrite to call out a woman on her past deeds and i am completely against such two faced characteristic of either gender.

    Demise, you say its a cultural divide? it is not. the men in those nations have come to accept the fact that their activities outside of marriage are ok and that pointing fingers at women when they themselves are drenched in such activities would be hypocritical of titanic proportions.( going back 50 or 60 years fornication even in the western nations was looked down upon in society)

    For your information, both Saba and Demise, please read the Quranic verse: (24:3) states:

    "The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers."

    So if the two of you do have a problem with the "wiring" do you still have a problem with the quranic verse?
    Thanks, hope that clarifies the position of chaste men, women and others wise.

    • From what I read in your comment, I understood that you were saying that even the past of that woman should have no one--so, even a previous husband for some would be a problem--and though you specifically have not said it, but in other posts on this site, there is usually stigma in general even to widows and divorcees or in the culture in general. Thank you for clarifying.

      Also, I was not comparing you to Hindus, I was saying that their religion/culture has heavily influenced the Indian subcontinent, this isn't my opinion, it is a fact--just look at the wedding practices.

      As for an unlawful past, men are not exclusive in wanting someone with no haram past.

    • This is what I had stated:

      This is how a muslim man should somewhat be in my opinion, if the women truly has repented then why is she still considered so in-pure and as soon as the man finds out he lashes out at her and wants divorce or cancels the marriage. As if he hasn't don't anything wrong in his life , or is an angel. Furthermore he himself may have had gfs in the past, if he cant live with the fact that another man has seen his wife naked , then why does he see another mans future wife naked. (There's alot of posts regarding this on here

      You brought up this verse: The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers."

      -You were quick to point out that one verse , now how many are there on the forgiveness from Allah. TONS!

      Here are some that stand out:

      -Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”

      Among those who came before you was a man who killed 99 people. He then asked to be guided to the most prolific worshipper from the inhabitants of the earth, and he was directed to a monk. He went to him and told him that he had killed 99 people, and he asked whether it was possible for him to repent. The monk said, ‘No.’ The man killed him, thus making him the 100th victim. He then asked to be directed to the most knowledgeable of the Earth’s inhabitants, and he was guided to a scholar. He went to him and told him that he had killed 100 people, and he asked whether it was possible for him to repent. The scholar said, ‘Yes, and who will stand between you and repentance. Go to such and such land, for in it dwell a people who worship Allah, so go and worship Allah with them. And do not return to your land, for it is indeed a land of evil.’ He left, and when he reached the halfway point of his journey, he died. The angels of Mercy and the angels of Punishment disputed with one another [in regard to his case]. The angels of Mercy said, ‘He came to us repentant, advancing with his heart towards Allah.’ The angels of Punishment said, ‘Indeed, he never performed any good deeds.’ Then an angel came in the form of a human being, and both groups of angels asked him to be the judge between them. He said, ‘Measure the distance between the two lands. Whichever land he is closer to is the land that he is closer to [in terms of being of its people]. They then measured the distance and found that he was closer to the land that he was heading towards, and so it was the angels of Mercy who then took his soul.”

      [al-Bukhaari: 3470 ; Muslim: 2766]

      Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) said:

      The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "By the One in Whose Hand my soul is! If you do not commit sins, Allah would replace you with a people who would commit sins and seek forgiveness from Allah; and Allah will certainly forgive them."

      Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) said:

      I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) saying, "Allah, the Exalted, has said: 'O son of Adam! I shall go on forgiving you so long as you pray to Me and aspire for My forgiveness whatever may be your sins. O son of Adam! I do not care even if your sins should pile up to the sky and should you beg pardon of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam! If you come to Me with an earthful of sins and meet Me, not associating anything with Me in worship, I will certainly grant you as much pardon as will fill the earth."'

      [At-Tirmidhi].

      “The one who repents from sin is like one who did not sin (Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth ad-Da‘eefah wa’l-Mawdoo‘ah )

      -The verse you have mentioned has nothing to do with wiring, that issue still remains associated with culture. How would the man find out anyways, if your suppose to keep your sins to yourself.

      -What about polygamy, the wife has to stand the fact that another women is seeing her husband naked. So where does all this wiring nonsense go then.

    • Wow this website is very frightening. There is a lot of hatred on here towards non-Muslims.

      • I disagree. I doubt that anyone here hates non-Muslims. I might disagree with their lifestyle, or with aspects of their ideology, but I certainly do not hate them. I have friends who are non-Muslims, I work with them and play sports with them.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Either way, I find you very very frightening.

          • Assalaamualaikam

            I'm saddened to learn of anyone finding us frightening - Islam is a faith which values and prioritises peace, acceptance and tolerance.

            As far as multiculturalism goes, Islam has a long tradition of embracing this and living in harmony with other faiths and cultures. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) - who we believe to be the Final Messenger of God - demonstrated this throughout his life, as did his Companions and the Muslims who followed them.

            In any group of people in the world today, you'll find some who are resistant to the idea of mixing with people who aren't the same as them, while others are very open to living in a multicultural or multifaith environment - this isn't just something that happens in Islam. Personally, I not only live in a multicultural and multifaith community, but in a multifaith household - as do many people who became Muslim later in life rather than being born into a Muslim family.

            The majority of Muslims I know have friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbours, etc., of many different faiths and cultures. Some people may feel more comfortable surrounding themselves with others of the same faith, particularly given recent events in the world, which have been and are very frightening for Muslims. Rather than letting recent tragedies create division, we need to be open and accepting of each other, now more than ever.

            I would welcome you to explore the website a bit more, to read some of our articles and some of the debates we've had here. You're also very welcome to give advice in comments on posts, and to submit your own questions for publication, inshaAllah.

            Midnightmoon
            IslamicAnswers.com editor

          • Midnightmoon that was lovely, and I appreciate your feedback. That was why I made the point not to paint all Muslims the same. I find Wael frightening, as he preached segregation and continued to call us, the "others" corrupt. Your words are much more humane and kind. Thank you.

          • I want to add that if I heard a Christian telling his friends or family to only associate with other Christians I would be equally appalled.

          • Please understand my disappointment. I was reading up to try to get a better understanding of a religion that many people have been very prejudiced towards lately, only to find that an editor is in fact telling his readers to avoid the likes of me, because I am "corrupt", simply because I am a non-Muslim Canadian.

        • I would like to please state that I am not an islamophobe. I am only frightened of how judgemental you - on this website, are of non-Muslims. I am not painting all Muslims like you.

        • Isn't preaching segregation and calling us corrupt a form of hate speech similar to the KKK?

        • There's nothing wrong with preferring to associate with people who think and believe as you do, or who share your culture, language or worldview.

          And yes, many non-Muslims engage in cultural practices that we Muslims consider corrupt or immoral, such as pre-marital sex, alcohol and drug use, gambling, etc. A person is defined by the company they keep. So it's not a great idea for a Muslim to spend time around people like that.

          We do not judge based on race or nationality. Rather, we choose friends based on their behavior. That's exactly how it should be. It's the opposite of the KKK, which preaches that other races are inferior.

          You say you're not an Islamophobe, but I think you have a huge double standard when it comes to Muslims. Are you frightened of Catholics because they have private Catholic schools and their own churches?

          Your fear says more about you than it does about us.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • It isn't letting me reply to your last comment, so I am replying here. I can understand your reasoning if you think I am only afraid of Islam. Believe me, Christianity scares me just as much. I am afraid, my fellow human being, that as long as you all continue to believe and preach as you do (people of all faiths), we shall never have peace.

          • "I am afraid, my fellow human being, that as long as you all continue to believe and preach as you do (people of all faiths), we shall never have peace"

            -So your against all religions? i.e: "as you all continue to believe and preach"

            -Technically your belief would be that people should have no beliefs, what makes you think that's the right mindset or attitude to achieving everyone holding hands, having tea parties and singing lullaby's to each other or as you described it "peace" What's further contradicting is that you somehow have a a preconceived notion that religion is the problem, which is synonymous to what your trying to preach about extremism being related to religion, when your own beliefs are associated with extremism because your belief is that peoples faiths and religion are the cause of extremism.

        • Jen, I never called you corrupt because I don't know you (just as you don't know me). I was referring to certain behaviors that Islam disapproves of, and that are common in Western society.

          Honestly, I think your reaction to my comments is way overboard. "We'll never have peace"? I grew up in the USA and have had non-Muslim friends all my life, some of whom I am quite close to. I also teach martial arts and 90% of my students are not Muslim. If you look at my Facebook page, it's about half and half. I often hang out with my martial arts students after class, go to dinner with them, etc, but when they want to go to a bar I don't participate in that because it's not consistent with my beliefs. If you want to call that segregation, go ahead.

          You have judged me to be an extremist, and because of that you're dumping all your personal stereotypes onto me. All of a sudden I'm a KKK grand wizard. Whatever, it really doesn't matter what you think of me personally. We're cluttering up this page with this discussion and I'd rather not continue. I know a closed mind when I see one.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Now it is you who is paranoid as I never once used the word or even thought of the word "extremist". I am leaving this page now - it is you who has the closed mind. You don't have to reply as I will most definitely not be returning.

          • You did not use the word extremist, but when you compare me to the KKK and say you're very frightened, the implication is the same.

            Your very first comment here was, "Wow this website is very frightening." Not seeking clarification or asking for information, but making a snap judgment. That's the very definition of a closed mind.

            Adios muchacha.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. “A man guilty of adultery or fornication does not marry other than a woman guilty of adultery or fornication, or an idolatress, and as for a woman who committed adultery or fornication, no one but a man who committed adultery or fornication, or an idolater, marries her. And that has been prohibited for the Believers.” [al-Quran 24:3]

    i just wanted someone to elaborate on this. i have seen many cases in which men before marriage indulge in haraam relationships, promising girls of marriage but in the end leave to marry for thier parents choice as they want a "clean" chaste wife. i always thought this verse meant that a chaste person would only get married to someone who has saved themselves before marriage. where is the justice for these men to end up with women who have tried there hardest to save themselved before marriage?

    sorry if i have offended anyone with this but this is something that has never been clear to me

    • "where is the justice for these men to end up with women who have tried there hardest to save themselved before marriage?"

      It is not justice and they will receive their due from Allah one way or another.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Sister Muslimgirl88,

        Often this verse is misunderstood by many ..

        One interpretation by some scholars is that a pious person won't stand and continue life with a partner if he/she is indulged in immoral activities like Zina unless he/she repents sincerely and start following right path ..

        Only a person with similar behavior like Zina can tolerate such behavior from his/her spouse who are indulged in Zina ..

        So in a case if that man's wife is chaste and one day definitely she will come to know his ongoing immoral activities and if she is a pious lady she won't tolerate this and might initiate divorce as zanis are for zaanis ...If he has repented sincerely and no longer indulges in sins then she might forgive and continue life ..

        It doesn't mean that a chaste women/men will definitely get chaste men/women as we have seen many opposite cases ..

  17. @Wael

    You're making nonsense arguments now, brother. I was not talking about rape, but about willful disobedience to Allah by living a sinful lifestyle, and failure to repent or change

    -My whole point has to do with repenting and changing that's why I asked what if the person now has changed.

    -The only nonsense is that you failed to understand my point even after I indicated what I was implying in the last comment when I agreed with your last point.

    With all this said, I will add that if a woman (or man) has made tawbah and changed her life for the better, and has been living a chaste lifestyle for some time, then a Muslim man might choose to overlook her past, so that he might gain a good wife. If he makes this choice then he should try to let go of his jealousy, so that he can enjoy a happy marriage"

    -This is what I meant

  18. Thank you for the references Demise.

    let the readers know and for reminding myself as well, these sins are not to be taken lightly, you may be forgiven by Allah, but to say that "ask for forgiveness and Allah will forgive" should not be interpreted as a free ticket to do anything and then beg Allah for mercy.

    We must strangle this evil that has taken precedence over all islamic and moral values especially in the western nations, and sadly the muslim nations are a close second.

    May Allah forgive us all and accept our ibadah this Ramadan.

  19. Aslm to all muslims I have a cilent I am a women who helps those in need of advice ,a girl came to me and she is in a situation. She has made a mistake in her past which she has repented very much as she recalled to me she has received a proposal and she is very worried about what she had done in her past should she inform the guy or not??her parents are telling her she has to tell him?she has changed in to a pious muslimah alghum at she is very worried what should I advise her to do?

  20. If you are insecure about it, then let it go. Everyone makes mistakes and it says in the Quran that Allah is most forgiving.

    She doesn't even need your forgiveness, she harmed herself and not your ego.

    • Assalamualaikum

      I think you can understand how a man does not want to be dishonered by marrying someone who did such a thing. Gheera is an important characteristic of men. Obviously a man cannot forgive a potential spouse for something that is not his to forgive but he can refuse to marry her or hint before marriage that " I only want a virgin"

      • Mustafa: Obviously a man cannot forgive a potential spouse for something that is not his to forgive but he can refuse to marry her or hint before marriage that " I only want a virgin"

        Just wondering can a Muslim woman also hint "I only want a virgin man" and make the guy take a lie detector test. Men seem to have lot more freedom and even some openly talk about their affairs after marriage.

  21. Hello,

    Good day to all.
    As I came across and read all the explanations told by our brothers and sisters. I could say that yes they're all right. I highly recommend sister Sara's stand with regards to this since it's crystal cleared. However, the decision depends unto you.
    I understand what your fiancee's did co'z I'm a Christian. She was just being honest to you since she doesn't want to hide anything from you. Christian people tend to know the whole truth rather than keeping something that may cause tremendous disaster afterwards.. And that's what she applied to you.. I think she repented on what she had before.I believed that she deserves you. Her mistakes doesn't define herself as a whole..Past remains in the past. Nobody's perfect.
    If you do really love her then you should learn to accept her as a whole. However, if you think you cannot accept her then you better leave and keep it secretly about what she told you of her past. God Bless to you and to all.
    Thank you..

  22. Brother i am virgin ang being virgin i can understand your hazardous pain in your mind.There is no reward being virgin in dunya but rewards are in Akhirah.Biggest pain marrying non virgin is your non-virgin partner kills sex.Non virgins are not as intersted as desperate as hunger for sex like virgins.That is like hving half paralized body.Be realistic and make the best deal in that situation.Marriage is just a deal. She loved her ex so slept with him.According to our theology by repenting she can become as pure as virgin.So virginity/non-virginty is not a constant stuff rather deoends on what you are in present.World's biggest lie is "i have erased my ex".Her ex held strong position in ther memory.Sex is as normal as resoiration.Unfortunately in the East where most of the Muslim Countries located has made Sex overrated.It is a job done for Biological demand..Having sex is just an experience. If her ex satisfied her on bed more than you, than how can she value you more than her ex!!!.So the deal sould be go as you are sacrificing virginty she can't have any objection on you having multiple wifes. If she can't do that deal it than leave her.That is what art of deal make the best use of weak point instead beleving on white lie "ohh i have erased my ex and i love you" cuz after unsuccessful premarital relationships male/female becomes realistic.Realistic people take decesion by logic so she didn't inform about she has lost virginity.She didn't left her right over maher.So she is pretty realistic. Love is unconditional how can a realistic person like her do an unconditional stuff!!!!!!!!!!

  23. My recommendation to you.. From experience brother.. Run away as far as you can.. It will break you everyday of your life.. Time will not health this pain.

Leave a Response