Need advice about thinking in life
Hurt heart.
Assalamaleikum,
I really need advice about how to think and to deal with life, I have been hurt so much.
A few thing I need advice about how to think:
- trusting people (how much time do you surely need to trust people)
- friendship
- a close friend leaves you for no reason
- people are talking behind my back
- they take conclusions and give you no time for explanation
- etc etc...
To be honest, I want to know how you should think and keep your character in Islam to be safe from people.
I don't know how to think anymore because I have been through so much with people and friendship.
Thank you so much for your advice.
Walaukum assalaam.
-Khirad
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Asalamoalaikum Khirad,
You’re asking a really good question because now days it’s hard to make true friends. I personally believe in having a few friends that will be there for you in times of need than having a lot of friends who really don’t have your best interest at heart.
I’ve had a few shares of good vs. bad friends and I’ve learned a lot along the way in terms of being able to realize whose worth my sincerity and trust.
Before I give you some tips on finding the right friends, I want you to always remember that just because you have a good friend does not mean that they need to know everything about your life. In fact, you shouldn’t be telling everyone all your deepest and darkest secrets. A lot of times people think that just because they are your best friend, they are entitled to know all about your life and your secrets (or maybe that’s just a girl thing?). Genuine friends are those who don’t demand to know about your secrets but are there for you when you need someone to listen.
Now, here are a few rules of thumb that I keep in mind when determining who’s worth my friendship.
1.) “He who talks bad about others to you, talks bad about you to others”: Probably every girl (and I say girl because many girls have this tendency to gossip) has experienced that “friend” who always has something mean or nasty to say about others. Chances are she’s talking behind your back too. This isn’t just specific to females since many males also have this tendency to gossip. Steer clear from such people!
2.) “A true friend does not target you”: If your friend is constantly teasing you in a taunting way in front of others or even in private, drop them like a hot rock. They are most likely insecure and jealous and just want to put you down. Always make friends that bring positive energy in your life. A true friend will not embarrass you in front of others.
3.) “A true friend brings you closer to Allah swt and stops you when he/she sees that you’re doing something wrong”: This is a sure way to distinguish if your friend is worth your friendship. If you’re doing something wrong (e.g., you decide you’re going to go to the club with some guys you met at school), this friend will stop you for the sake of Allah. He/she will not want you to sin and get hurt. If however, your friend condones behaviour you know is wrong or may harm you in the long run; they aren’t your true friend. A way to find this out is to see if your friend is bringing you closer to Allah swt (e.g., you are starting to attend the mosque more) or further away from Him (e.g., you are starting to miss your salat more).
4.) “A true friend is someone who you know will be there for you not only in your happiness but especially in times of need”: Most people will be present in your happiness but when the going gets tough, people tend to disappear from your life. Those who remain with you are worth keeping ties with.
5.) “A true friend will genuinely be happy when you’re happy”: You get an amazing promotion at work and you are now the CEO of some company. If you’re friend is jumping with delight and can’t wait for you to treat him/her, they’re a keeper. If however, when you tell your friend this and suddenly their smile disappears, you probably have a friend who doesn’t wish best for you at heart. This is hard to distinguish but people can’t fake happiness for long. With girls, an easy way to tell this is when someone tells you that so and so said “How come everything good happens with her (you)?”. That's a red flag and you should steer far, far away from that "friend". (it’s happened to me)!
And lastly, 6.) “You aren’t in constant contact with this friend but whenever you talk to them, it seems like you just spoke yesterday”: My best friend and I live cities apart and because I’m busy with school and she’s busy with full-time work, we hardly get to see each other or talk on the phone. But whenever we do, it’s like we just spoke yesterday. Currently, she’s been telling me all about the proposals she’s receiving, showing me pictures of the potential prospects and asking for my advice on what to do. Most importantly, because we’re not in contact for so long she doesn’t get upset that I haven’t been calling/texting her everyday; she understands that I’m busy!
Remember, just like in any relationship where trust takes time, the same applies for friendship. Try to observe the person first before sharing your secrets with them. Listen more and talk less; you’ll be able to see a lot more in people that way!
-Helping Sister
Asalamu alikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
From your post it sounds like you have been burned by several people in your life.
One thing i can tell you is to be with good company or just be alone. Its very hard to be alone, and its isolating because you need other people for companionship. BUT- lonliness is better than companions that keep hurting you.
You said there is a lot of backbiting going on, and know that this is a big nono in Islam. lots of hadith talk about backbiting- as if you are eating the flesh of your brother or sister. We have to be careful of what we say as on judgment day our tongue and other body parts will be asked about its deeds.
So the point is, stay away from people who cause you trouble, and dont be afraid to be alone until a true friend comes along. Keep yourself soooo busy at school/home with good things that you dont care what others are doing around you.
I dont know how old you are, but if you are in middle school or high school and still care about what others think of you- DONT. Stop caring about other people, and pay attention to Allah and what you have to do and Allah will provide you with righteous company.
I can tell you, when i came more religious in highschool i lost most of my friends, and i just sat in the library and read and did my home work- and just ignored everyone else. Work on a hobby, ask if you can use the art room at lunch, etc whatever- develop your skills and take care of yourself.
For me- in that library i met another muslimah who is still my friend in adulthood. Being along makes you stronger because it means that you are not following what other people are doing, but you attract people who like to do the same things as you.
Also my dear bro/or sis I am not sure what gender- but we all die alone. No matter how many friends you have. So don't worry about pleasing others, just worry about pleasing Allah and asking for forgiveness for your own deeds. This is your test right now from Allah. So be patient, kind to those who hurt you (but not friends with them), and mind your own business until good people really deserving of your friendship come along.
I wish you all the best and stay strong.