How can I stop feeling guilty for prioritizing Allah’s love over my wife’s?
The Islamic Shahadah, or testimony of faith, carved in wood on the wall of a masjid
I am a young Muslim revert from Sydney. Initially I converted for no real reason.
I was a solicitor. I fell in love with a colleague called Emily. We married and I loved her a great deal. We were a highly loving and young couple, so immersed in each other. Then just a year later she started to learn about Islam. I didn't mind then. She used to chat late all night with a Muslim businessman in the Netherlands. He was well settled and financially well off and was doing da'wah work. He was married with 4 kids and wanted my wife to marry him as his second wife because he believed that polygyny is an essential part of Islam and that Islam encourages having as many children as possible.. He told my wife about Islam, attracted her to it and asked her to leave me.
I hated the religion initially. It seemed to make her grow distant from me. I just wanted her to love me like she used to love me before and to be as romantic as we were before. Then she all of a sudden converted to Islam. She left me since I was not going to convert to Islam. She went on to marry that guy in Amsterdam to be his second wife and 'baby machine'. I just HATED Islam.To me Islam stole my beloved girl. It was nothing more than a theif at that time for me. I lost her. It took me a year and a half to recover from that setback and to forget Emily, the woman I had once loved for so long.
I never thought Islam would ever find a route to me in any way. I had hated it for so long.Then a miracle happened. I lfell in love with a girl and she was Muslim. She did not know me at all. I just saw her in the park one day in Hiab and she was playing with her sisters. I saw her just once and fell in love with her. I knew she was Muslim and would not marry me since I was an atheist so I went on the net and surfed the net to learn about Islam. I learnt the basic tenets and fundamentals and recited the Shahadah privately. When I began to pray 5 times a day and grew a beard [which was no longer than one cm] my relatives grew distant from me and saw me as the 'butt' of family jokes. I no longer felt accepted in my family. I went to propose to the girl but learnt she had died just a week before the proposal.
I was devastated. I felt like killing myself literally. I felt 'late'. I felt 'lost'. A month later a revert asked me to marry her. She was White like me too. She had been divorced by her husband because she could not live in a polygamous relationship anymore. She felt stressed out and had begged her husband to divorce her because she could not take it anymore. My imaan went down just by listening to her tale. I gradually abandoned prayer and fasting and was becoming more and more materialistic, but I was still 'Muslim' and believed in God and his Prophet [saw].
After our marriage, my family ridiculed me for marrying a niqab-clad lady. They saw us as 'extremists' and what not [the usual stereotypes about Muslims in the West].
But I loved her all the same and we were a happy couple and we shifted away from predominantly Anglo North Sydney and we moved to a predominantly Muslim locality in Western Sydney to be with our 'own kind'. All that time I had never taken Islam seriously I had never taken my relationship with Allah seriously either. But as my beloved darling wife was so religious I gradually became more interested in Islam. Out of love for her I began to pray regularly again, read the Quran, fast and engage myself in ibadat. I felt at peace.
Then, I felt guilty. I felt I was wrong somewhere, I was engaged in worship Of God not for Allah but out of love for someone else. I realized I would have to make Allah my priority in life above everyone else. I continued what I was doing but this time solely for the sake of Allah but not for my wife.
I feel at peace now, but at times I feel guilty that my love for my wife has declined due to devoting myself more to Allah. It makes me feel uneasy. I know as a believer and Muslim I must care about Allah more than anything but loving my wife less makes me feel very uneasy.
Could anyone help me in dealing with this problem?
Rafi Qazi.
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The beauty of Islam is that loving your wife is part of Ibaadah, it's a religious act. And Allah blesses you when you look at your spouse kindly. Remember your farz of praying, fasting, etc, but give time to your wife, it is both your duty and her right.
It was not encouraged by Prophet to engage in prayers all night long at the expense of a waiting wife. You may wish to look up more about this on Google. ๐
Assalam-Alaikum,
MashaAllah Allah(s.w.t.) has guided you and kept you on the right path, Please pray that I make Allah(s,w,t) as my first priority. I think you do not need to feel guilty about your love of Allah(s.w.t.). But you should realize that love for Allah(s.w.t.) and love for one's family/wife and children are not mutually exclusive.
There is a hadith by Prophet Muhammad(s.a.w.) "The best of you is the best of you to their family and I am the best of you to my family."
I guess being the best we can to our wife,children and family is one way to be closer to Allah(s.w.t.). "Ibadat" are necessary but there is a human part as well. If you are being good to your wife and children that is one way to be closer to Allah. In other words one of the requirements to be closer to Allah(s.w.t.) is to be best with our family.
You should not feel guilty or anything but also be the best you can be with your family.
My 2 cents. Please make dua for me.
regards,
Assalamu'alaikum brother,
May Allah reward you for your struggle and safeguard you from the Shaitaan.
You should balance between your worship and your worldly dealings. Your priority SHOULD be Allah and His Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. But you should give your wife her right. She deserves your love, some time from your day, a smile, and whatever she asks for from the Halaal things.
โThe best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best of you to my family.โ (Tirmidhi, Sahih)
So you should not make her feel that you are not giving her the time she deserves.
There is beautiful Hadith about Hanzalah Radiyallahu Anhu which is very much applicable in your case, but the matter is actually reverse.
Hanzala Usayyidi, who was amongst the scribes of Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him). reported: I met Abu Bakr. He said: Who are you? He (Hanzala) said: Hanzala has turned to be a hypocrite. He (Abu Bakr) said: Hallowed be Allah, what are you saying? Thereupon he said: I say that when we are in the company of Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) we ponder over Hell-Fire and Paradise as if we are seeing them with our very eyes and when we are away from Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) we attend to our wives, our children, our business; most of these things (pertaining to After-life) slip out of our minds. Abu Bakr said: By Allah, I also experience the same. So I and Abu Bakr went to Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) and said to him: Allah's Messenger, Hanzala has turned to be a hypocrite. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: What has happened to you? I said: Allah's Messenger, when we are in your company, we are reminded of Hell-Fire and Paradise as if we are seeing them with our own eyes, but whenever we go away from you and attend to our wives, children and business, much of these things go out of our minds. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: By Him in Whose Hand is my life, if your state of mind remains the same as it is in my presence and you are always busy in remembrance (of Allah), the Angels will shake hands with you in your beds and in your paths but, Hanzala, time should be devoted (to the worldly affairs) and time (should be devoted to prayer and meditation). He (the Holy Prophet) said this thrice. (Sahih Muslim)
So do as much as you are able, to please Allah. Do not stress yourself in Worship, lest you should leave it totally out of tiredness and laziness. Keep the flame burning and do not let it go off while trying to intensify it.
Anas said, "Three people came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, to ask about how the Prophet worshipped. When they were told, it was as if they thought it was little and said, 'Where are we in relation to the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, who has been forgiven his past and future wrong actions?'" He said, "One of them said, 'I will pray all of every night.' Another said, 'I will fast all the time and not break the fast.' The other said, "I will withdraw from women and never marry.' The Messenger of Allah came to them and said, 'Are you the ones who said such-and-such? By Allah, I am the one among you with the most fear and awareness of Allah, but I fast and break the fast, I pray and I sleep, and I marry women. Whoever disdains my sunnah is not with me.'" (Bukhari and Muslim / Riyad as Saliheen)
This is what you should do. You should adopt moderation in Worship and give the time your family deserves to them. You can even do your prayers together with your wife, just like this beautiful Hadith mentions:
Narrated Abu Hurayrah: The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: May Allah have mercy on a man who gets up at night and prays, and awakens his wife; if she refuses, he should sprinkle water on her face. May Allah have mercy on a woman who gets up at night and prays, and awakens her husband; if he refuses, she would sprinkle water on his face (Sunan Abi Dawood)
You both can read Ahadeeth together and try to understand them. The best books you can read are Fathul Bari, Riyad as Saliheen and their likes which also have the explanation to the Ahadeeth. Get these books from an Islamic Center or a Book Store and begin reading to each other. Do what you can to increase love among yourselves and do not give up your Worship at any cost.
This will in sha Allah ensure that your priority is Allah and His Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, but even your wife is pleased with you.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamoalaikum brother.....
Your story is an eye opener. And its beautiful. The way you came to Islam, amazing. Allah works in mysterious and beautiful ways.
Your ex-wife seems misguided and the fact that a man actually stole your wife under the guise of 'dawah' is disturbing. We, the Ummah must alert ourselves to this menace.
Brother was that man a businessman who married your ex-wife a member of Hizb ut Tahrir? No offence to others, but I've heard of salafis and hizb ut tahrir members doing this who seem to think having a beard and four wives are the only sunnah.
Allah protect us.
I do not think this is true. The people who do this are the people of desire. Brother, when you accuse someone, it should be accompanied with evidence. Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:
It is enough for a man to be a liar if he relates everything he hears. (Sahih Muslim)
This means that he does not confirm the news
So one should beware of such generalized statements.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother, I have myself witnessed this happening. I am a member of Hizb ut Tahrir ( USA) and many of my married colleagues give wrong advice to married sisters whose husbands are non-practising so that these women divorce their husbands, marry them and increase the number of their offspring. I have seen this with my own eyes.
Just last month, a sister with 2 kids whose husband was a gambler was encouraged to divorce by a colleague of mine so that he could marry her because he thought it would be a. 'Good' deed.
Allah Knows Best. Though I may not vouch for all 'Aqaaid of Hizb at Tahrir and I know that they adopt extreme views on many occasions, I believe people of the desire can arise from anywhere. And gambling and other such Haraam actions maybe valid reasons for a divorce because a lady deserves a practicing Muslim man. Encouraging a lady to divorce a man so that she can marry him? I do not know what his Niyyah is - Allah Knows Best. This should not be done. Instead, a person should be encouraged to leave the Haraam and give time to his wife.
As far as increasing the offspring is concerned, this is something from the Sunnah. Prophet ๏บป๏ป ๏ปฐ ุง๏ป๏ป ๏ปช ๏ป๏ป ๏ปด๏ปช ๏ปญ๏บณ๏ป ๏ปข said: 'Marry loving women who give birth, for I will compete with you against other nations.' (Sunan Abi Dawood)
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualaikum brother. That was a lovely story. Allah gives you something better than what you gain before.
May Allah bless and reward both of you with Paradise.
Brother, don't feel guilty.
You love her because of Allah.
And that is ibadah.
Only syaitan hates to see the love between husband and wife.
If you have any problem, ask for Allah's help(Dua). Read Quran and look at how Rasulullah act with his wives.
I had come across a story, where..there lives a man who truly love his wife. Then, his father afraid that his love to the wife could make him apart from Allah.
So, the father asked him to divorce his wife.
He was so sad but he follow his father's order. After the divorce, the father realised that the divorce was a wrong decision.
His father realised that the love will not make him far apart from worshipping Allah. So, they become husband and wife again.
Lastly,...
Surah Ar-Room, Verse 21:
ููู ููู ุขููุงุชููู ุฃููู ุฎููููู ููููู ู ูููู ุฃููููุณูููู ู ุฃูุฒูููุงุฌูุง ูููุชูุณููููููุง ุฅูููููููุง ููุฌูุนููู ุจูููููููู ู ููููุฏููุฉู ููุฑูุญูู ูุฉู ุฅูููู ููู ุฐููฐูููู ููุขููุงุชู ูููููููู ู ููุชููููููุฑูููู
And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.
ุญูุฏููุซูููุง ุณูููููู ูุงูู ุจููู ุญูุฑูุจูุ ููุงูู ุญูุฏููุซูููุง ุดูุนูุจูุฉูุ ุนููู ููุชูุงุฏูุฉูุ ุนููู ุฃูููุณู ู ุฑุถู ุงููู ุนูู ู ุนููู ุงููููุจูููู ุตูู ุงููู ุนููู ูุณูู ููุงูู โ "โ ุซููุงูุซู ู ููู ููููู ููููู ููุฌูุฏู ุญููุงูููุฉู ุงูุฅููู ูุงูู ู ููู ููุงูู ุงูููููู ููุฑูุณูููููู ุฃูุญูุจูู ุฅููููููู ู ูู ููุง ุณูููุงููู ูุงุ ููู ููู ุฃูุญูุจูู ุนูุจูุฏูุง ูุงู ููุญูุจูููู ุฅููุงูู ูููููููุ ููู ููู ููููุฑููู ุฃููู ููุนููุฏู ููู ุงููููููุฑู ุจูุนูุฏู ุฅูุฐู ุฃูููููุฐููู ุงููููููุ ููู ูุง ููููุฑููู ุฃููู ููููููู ููู ุงููููุงุฑู โ"Narrated Anas: The Prophet (๏ทบ) said, "Whoever possesses the following three qualities will taste the sweetness of faith: 1. The one to whom Allah and His Apostle become dearer than anything else. 2. Who loves a person and he loves him only for Allah's sake. 3. Who hates to revert to disbelief (Atheism) after Allah has brought (saved) him out from it, as he hates to be thrown in fire."โโ