Problems in marriage due to Inlaws
Asalaam Alaikum, I am feeling very anxious and frightened about puting words down about my current circumstances but I feel I no longer have a choice, I pray that Allah (SWT) guides me and do wholeheartedly trust that only He can give me the strength to make the right choices.
I have been married for near on 2 years, and I am currently expecting our first child. When I first met my husband, his pious, respectful nature is what attracted me, steered away from gossip, wanted to raise a family simply, islamically, with good principles away from the cultural practices. I knew from the outset it was him and his mother, and initially it was suggested that my husband's mother, my mother in law would live seperately, however I insisted that we should live together, financially it would have been a strain and in all honesty in my niavity I did genuinely think how hard can it be? I've been raised well Alhumdulilah, my sister in law lived with us when my brother married, and although everyone has their ups and downs (normal family life!!!) I thought if I was just myself and looked after my husband his mother to the best of my ability what could possibly go wrong in my little family of the three of us.
It began slowly, with me not quite getting certain things right, how I tidied the kitchen, how I left the bathroom after use, how my family were, I genuinely believed I just needed to try harder, that I wasn't doing enough. If my Mother in Law suddenly became displeased about something, my husband would go silent with me, and I would feel very isloated not quite sure what it was I hadn't quite got right this time, it got to the point where I would panic, worry about the state of the bathroom, I became increasingly nervous, fearful of my husband's rejection and also in the first year fearful of displeasing my Mother in Law because in my eyes that would lead to my husband's silence. She would suggest what I should wear out and in trying to please her I would say nothing and ultimately thought heck if its just an outfit that will make her happy then seriously what did it matter, I tried to speak to him about it, I tried to even speak to my mother in law about it, and kept saying that I was trying and apologising for that which I wasn't getting right.
My parents slowly saw my confidence fading, it began to affect me at work, I went from a bubbly, happy go lucky kind of person to quite a nervous anxious person, unsure of myself, needing constant approval. My parents who were and are very very supportive were viewed negatively from my mother in law and at moments where my husband might open up to being to them, they would be insulted or a conversation would be relayed to him, and he would back off, and I would told that I wasn't prepared for marriage as I was always putting my family first and not him, that I was allowing them to interfere and meddle in my marriage
I literally racked my brains about what actions of mine were leading him to believe this, in my heart of hearts I didn't feel that I was or that my parents were interferring, i looked from his perspective and tried to explain to my parents that perhaps their way of being supportive was too much for him and I told my parents to back off, to not contact us so much, it was my dad who highlighted to me that he would leave it in my hands to deal with but he felt that my husband's mother, at points where she was losing control of her son would lash out on the people he may be forming bonds with and that included me, they gave me their unconditional support, but I think seeing me change so much really hurt them, not being able to see me and my husband as much upset them. My dad however kept saying to me, just apologise to her and say sorry and try harder to however on one occasion they witnessed the way my husband's mother was talking to me, and my dad broke down and told me to come home, I explained I couldn't that my life was with my husband, my home was and is where he is, which my dad said he knew but he couldn't see me in this situation every few months of being screamed at.
And consistently every few months something else would happen, my parents asked both me and my husband to come home after a function as they needed to speak to us, my husband had made it clear that he wanted to go home, however my parents were very insistent, he did come and they disclosed that a close family member was terminally ill I was naturally devastated, but when we got home, my husband was livid that I had gone back to my parents and not stood up to them and said no, he had explained to his mum what had happened, and I remember sitting there whilst she screamed at me, pointing her fingers in my face, to the point at which I couldn't cope with being in the same house, and went upstairs and packed, however I didn't leave, I just didn't want to be around his mum and her abusive tone, i came downstairs, and she followed me downstairs and said that she couldn't see my marriage working out and that if I loved my husband I should leave. It felt like there was no getting away from her. My husband took my packing as a form of rejection to him, even though I didn't leave, I explained over and over that I just couldn't sit and be spoken to in such a manner, that it was because of him and the thought of him was why I didn't leave. It took us months to get back on track, if his mother wasn't speaking to me then he wouldn't either, naturally as time goes on things would get back on track and something else would trigger what I would go on to refer to as an episode, to which I felt my husband would leave me exposed to his mother's emotionally abusive nature, I was referred to counselling through work and through this I came to realise that I wasn't to blame, that it appeared nothing I did was good enough but that I would need to behave like an adult when the episodes started rather than getting emotional and upset. I prayed for forgiveness in both their eyes, but I prayed that I would become a stronger person, that I would win my husband over and he would see that love and family isn't about what you do for them, it is about the support you provide each other, the happy memories that are created, the challenges you overcome without resorting to insults and cultural dramatics.
I saw that if he tried to say anything not necessarily relating to me but generally the cycle of emotional blackmail would begin with him, from my perspective it looked like he would feel guilty and even now there are moments where he does say something, or doesn't do what his mother wants him to and she lashes out, her losing control of him. I do fully realise that he has responsibilities and duties towards his mother and would never ever stand in his way, I have tried to support him in this however when his mother becomes displeased I am told I am not being vigilant enough, I continuously second guess myself but have got to the stage where there will always be something I haven't done, whether it be not clearing out the fridge or forgetting items from the shopping list which I don't feel are justified reasons to berate someone and then follow it up with insults towards my parents.
I am now no longer able to over look these things for the bigger picture as my husband puts it, I'm losing sight of the bigger picture, I pray so hard that Allah (SWT) gives me strength to continue to be paitient but I can no longer with stand the emotional abuse, I do not feel able to raise a child in this atmosphere and have communicated this with my husband, I have begged him to come up with a solution and said that it is up to him to strike a balance between his wife and his mother, I do not feel I can continue to live with her for my mental welfare is literally dimising. He feels there is no solution but I just do not know what to do, I feel I cannot turn to my parents, as I cannot make my husband feel that I have allowed them to interfere, nor can I put them in a position where they will be verbally attacked, I feel like I'm trying to protect those I care but ultimately I am suffering and so is my unborn child.
I have always wanted a child, and I have to force myself to feel flutters of excitement, when I have his support I feel I can cope, but when he turns and takes out all his frustrations on me and our relationship I feel rock bottom, isolated and despondent, I pray Allah (SWT) will lift me out of this cycle somehow but I just cannot see how it will work. I feel Allah (SWT) has blessed us with beautiful things to see and experience and good deeds to build up for the hereafter but I feel like i'm losing the will, I have said I will work with him and together we will find a solution but
(Editor's note: The author left this unfinished, but due to the nature of the post, we decided it should still be posted)
~OptimismFading
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Dear Sister,
I have known of three other families in your dilemma. From what I have witnessed, this is what I will say to you. Your husband is not a man and I say that with all due respect.
Your parents sound absolutely loving and amazing. I am telling you from experience over here, it is killing them to know that you are in the situation that you are in. They raised you from a little girl and to see someone treating you in a manner in which one should not even treat a dog, it hurts beyond words.
Before you lose all of who you are, pack your bags and go home. Tell your husband that you truly love him with all of your heart and if either of you are to make your marriage work, you will need to have your own apartment. Your mother in law is destroying your marriage by manipulating her son. Her son can father a child yet does not know how to be a man.
My best friends mother in law behaved in this manner. End result, broken marriage and sons who want nothing to do with their father because he stood by while his mother verbally abused their mother for years. He never stood up for his wife...ever! He allowed it just like your husband is.
If your husband has some time away from you, he may rethink his position on things. To go on living this way is crazy and you don't deserve it...no woman does. You will end up on medication and a total mess for years to come. No man or woman on this earth is worth losing who you are.
Listen to your parents, they are much older and wiser and know it is in your best interests to leave the unhealthy atmosphere that you are currently in.
May Allah be with you
Salam
Asalaam alaikum,
I concur. You and your husband need your own place and if that does not happen immediately, you need to initiate a separation wherein he needs to decide how to correct your living situation and how to treat you a the loving wife that you are. You are not required to endure this torture, Islamically speaking and I disagree with the advice given that you should do so by poster L.O.S.
Spouses should not have to endure abuse for "love," rather love should be free of abuse in all its' manifestations.
Assalamu alaikum.
My dear sister,
i would advice
you to endure to in your marital home. You have done very well by tolerating your mother in law for the past 2years and what more can she do that would be or not a repetition of what she has already done. Allah swt says he would not burden us with what weighs more dan us or what we cant
handle.
Pls next time you have a misunderstanding pls donot pack your things. Keep to prayers and insha Allah one day your mother in law would appologise for all she caused you. I would not advice you to go in for a break
for a break or divorce.
And also talk to your husband or get some imams around to talk to him. I would also remember you in my duas insha Allah.
My second worry is dat ur post was not complete. I hope all is well with you and may Allah swt guide and protect you.
Wasalam
Salaam aleikum sister,
I would advise you to give your husband an ultimatum if he wants to keep both his wife and mother in his life he should do something about it soon. Living with your mother in law is bringing problems in your marriage and it is costing you your well-deserved happiness. Certainly it is not the right environment to bring a child into. Solve this issue before the birth of your child. You and your husband should have your own space so that you can grow together. If yur mother in law continues to crowd your space it will be difficult. Let your husband know that he has you to lose if he does nothing. You have a family that loves you and cares about you.
I pray that you find solution to this problem and may Allah grant you happiness and good health.
Dear sister.
Your post brought memories of my own very similar pain that I have experienced in my marriage of 15 years. I cooked, I cleaned, I took care of my MIL the best way I can, and it was never good enough).
The mental and emotional abuse was very similar to yours; even worse (at some point my MIL tried to hit me over such a trivial argument; I could not look even at our neighbors, because my MIL would diminish me in their eyes). There was no peace in my marriage life whatsoever.
I was stuck- I could not divorce because did not want to have a “divorcee” status (was very naïve of me). My husband did not want to live separately because he was concerned about “what will people say”. (In our culture it is viewed very negative when man tries to arrange separate living from parents).
It got to the point where my emotional struggles became a physical pain- I started getting ill- terrible migraines, uneven heartbeats, depression etc…, Subhanallah… I was patient all these 15 years, however the cycle of emotional and mental abuse “MIL-husband- me” never ended. It started affecting my 10 years old son, who was also constantly screamed at and called names like lazy, useless etc. I said to myself I DO NOT want my son to be raised in this unhealthy and abusive environment. And one day after another abusive incident I said: “ENAUGH!!!” and I packed and went to my parents home with my son (this was one of the most wonderful decision that I have ever made in my life and I never regret it). My parents are just like yours most loving and caring people, I love them dearly and they got hurt a lot because of issues in my marriage.
I prayed to Almighty Allah for guidance, I would cry to Him and beg him to help me out of that situation. Subhanallah, He opened doors for me and turned things in such ways that I have never imagined. Alhamdullilahi Rabb al Alamin. My life changed for the best, He blessed me in so many ways, Alhamdullilah.
Dear Sister, please listen to the wise advice of brother Professor X , sister Najah and NewGirl - pack your stuff and go to your parents home, at least for now- you need to take some time to recuperate after living in this abusive and unhealthy environment. You need to sort things in your head and in your heart- you have been hurt. You need time to pray even harder to Allah (SWT). Ask Allah (SWT) for help, trust in Him and InshaAllah things will change for the better. Please, stay strong; do not let anyone (not MIL, not husband, no one ever) walk all over you like this. Hopefully your husband will realize that he is losing most precious gift from Allah (SWT) - a pious wife and make necessary arrangements for both of you to start your own nest.
Do not despair, Allah (SWT) is Most Merciful and Most Generous-He will help to heal your current marriage and bless it with a lot of happiness and joy, Inshallah.
My dear sister, from the bottom of my heart I wish you a lot of strength and patience in these difficult times, May Allah (SWT) showers His Blessings and Mercy on you. May He brings peace and harmony into your marriage life. Amen .
Assalamu alaikum...
If you are the prophet Pbuh and this sister comes to you for advice, how would u advice her? Lets not try to break something that Allah swt has put together. Lets remember this sister in our duas so that Allah swt would turn her marriage around for the better rather than asking her to pack her things.
When she goes to her parents is dat suppose to be a divorce? And should every lady pack bags and luggage because she has issues with her husband or inlaws or both?
Prayer is the most powerful tool we have.
I advice you my dear sister to make istikhara on this issue and Allah swt would guide you.
Prayers have turned my issue within two weeks and am now a better person and alhamdulillah it was a situation i never knew i could get out of. But masha Allah things are great now.
Assalamu alaikum.
dear sis talk to ur husband about your child and tell him that the prevailing situation is very unhealthy for a pregnant mother and her child.i think u need the love of ur husband as u are pregnant. if u leave ur home, ur doing exactly what ur MIL wants .take care of ur self and dont think about what she says about household things. be confident, u have a big job to do good luck
Assalamualaikum wa rehmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
Dearest sister, think about it twice as sahih hadees says "the most hated thing by Allah(SWT) is divorce. but in your case i advice you to live with your husband seperately. till the time his mom will be with him he will not seem to change. you were a sincere person in telling in the beginning that you three will live together, it was your humble nature but all persons are not like us. there are various factors to be considered, like abuse and physical and mental torture also mounts to asking a woman for divorce as alllowed by islam. islam does not forbid divorce but it is allowed in some grave circumstances where a husband is not listening to his wife continiously even if she is right.
in my case it is six years of marraige and now am considering for divorce(i am a post graduate and he is higher secondary-even after all the differences) i served them day and night. including all this brothers' children (he has got four elder brothers all living together with their children, it's a big joint family, with one room for each, total six rooms , including for father and mother' in law.)i had served my father in law and mother in law well. i just wanted him to seperate me cause the pain the 4 brothers's wives are causing is unbearable.one day they even took the gold ring which my mom gifted and mortgaged it without my permission. i asked patienty about it after six months wait then my motherin law and the eldest brother's wife threw the slip on my face and saaid that they mortgaged it and that i can have it from the mortgager after paying the money. it was not about the money but their abusive language, that i did not bring enough dowry for them. ALL THE WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS A SILENT SPECTATOR FOR THE SIX YEARS.now i cant bear the pain living and serving my whole life as if it was a contract marraige and i am a slave for them.
though i was not troubled by my father in law, my mother in law troubled me a lot, just like yours, saying that i should get up early, do work quickly (according to her i am a bit slow), they even took my clothing and jwellery for functions and i sould say nothing otherwise my husband would become silent as in case of yours. i very well feel for you but don't wait till things get out of hand, if your parents are on your side think that Allah is on your side. they will only say what is right if they are islamic, cause islam does not ask its followers to support oppression. you can read a lot of prayers from the prophet book and seek allah's mercy on you, at your state, you are expecting a child so don't think anything now, first look at your and your child's health -UTMOST PRIORITY AND DON'T TAKE THEIR TENSIONS.
i took i miscarried for two times at 3 months each due to their gift of tension. i have two children but i no longer want to be with my husband because he never respects me though he respects his mother. i am nothing in his eyes(though in the eyes of others i am an honest and polite islamic person praying and seeking allah's mercy all the time
i will pray for you, let allah's mercy and blessings be on you all the time. inshaallah May you seek Happiness in this world and hereafter.
though in my case my parents would always say look at allah(SWT), have patience all the time they repeat the same words. and to utter astonishment my father dosen't even want me in his house if i do something, so though i am educated i can do nothing at this point cause there is nobody to look after my children if i go for a job. (i even tried and got a job with hsbc but both my husband and mother in law won't allow me to do job this is exactly what i did i looked at the blue sky and called MY lord by his beautiful names and survived for long here) it is just like hell, if people don't care for you and your children even after you care for theirs. i loved everybody but nobody even liked me (i think its because they are all uneducated, all the four wives, and i am the only educated woman in the family) but this should not be the reason for a man to be mum.
i said on the day of my marraige "Oh my Allah(SWT) i am only taking your blessing and only you are my support where i am going to a new house, my lord please be with me in my ups and downs as there is nobody for me except you. " bingo the same thing happened, there is noone to look and care for my endevours and hardships (my mother in law is diebetic i cook special meals for her even if no woman cooks for six years but now things have become hard and i feel like suicide most of the time-but then-islam and My Rasulallah come to my mind what face should i show to them if i take that drastic step and end my life, what would happen to my children.)
have patience dearest sister
Allah will definitely reward you.
i ask for my brothers and sisters out there to please pray for me in this holy month of ramadan.
thank you.