Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I marry now or continue study?

signposts - which istikhara to follow?

Assalamulaikum Brothers/Sisters

I am really confused about my future plans right now and need advice. I am getting higher education in a foreign land and my degree is about to be completed. However, now is the time to make a tough choice between going home, getting a decent job and getting married or continuing education to PHD immediately and set prospects of marriage aside for now.

My parents are insistent on bringing me back home and fulfilling their responsibility of getting me married. They are insistent that in our society, girls' age is considered critical and I am already nearing 27 years now so we are worried. Furthermore, we have been looking for potential spouse since a long time now but have found no good prospects so this scenario is making me reluctant to return home after discarding PHD offers only to find myself with no job or marriage prospects.

PHD is necessary as I intend to teach in my home country and considering the job crisis back home a doctorate degree is the only option to secure a position in good technical universities. A few of my colleagues tried getting job without higher education and were severely disappointed and had to come back to this foreign land to get better qualification so their experience has scared me.

On the other hand, if I head back home after such a long time(3-4 years) then my age will be a huge issue in our conservative society and I might not get any marriage prospects. I have read so many terrible stories about Muslim sisters not getting married as they get old so its really a bleak situation.

We have also looked at the option of marrying some guy in this foreign country who wants to go back home after a few years so that I can do PHD while being married but those proposals were not successful. Job for a female should not be even necessary considering Islamic guidelines but it is necessary in our materialistic society and men back home expect it now. I am not that young now and we are not that rich so my education seemed to be the only good thing I had to offer to any marriage prospect so far. Furthermore what if, like some dear sisters here, marriage is not in my future then atleast I will have means to earn my living.

I can also try getting PHD in my home country while searching for a spouse but my field is really unique and there aren't good PHD offers back home in my field, if at all. Furthermore education standard is really low and PhD will take considerable more time (8-9 years) in my home country.

Eventually going back home is necessary for me as our family is broken and my mother needs care in her old age and thinking about leaving her back home with no close relative to help her in her need is unacceptable for me.

Should I just give up on marriage and complete PHD and afterwards go home, get a job and take care of my mother or leave everything else and try to get married? These questions might seem silly but I have very few people who know the intimate details about my life so no one is there to advise me about it. I have done istikhara but haven't come to a conclusion regarding this issue. Please advise me how to proceed with my life? Should I just get ready for marriage and leave everything else upto Allah?

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3 Responses »

  1. Waalaikumasalaam Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu.

    Allah subhanawataalah says in the Quran:

    And He Will Provide Him From (Sources) He Never Could Imagine. And

    Whosoever Puts His Trust In Allah Then He Will Suffice Him. Verily,

    Allah Will Accomplish His Purpose. Indeed Allah Has Set A Measure For

    All Things. (65 : 3)

    “Say: Allah Is Sufficient For Us! Most Excellent Is He In Whom We Trust As Disposer Of Our Affairs!” [Sūrah Āl `Imrān: 173]

    Sister, don't you see that this is a test from Allah? Hasn't Allah tested the prophets and messengers (peace be upon all of them) with more severe tests?

    If this wasn't meant to be a test for you, then Allah wouldn't have let even a thorn prick the prophet Muhammad (may peace be upon him).

    See sister, in your situation, the big advantage is you could get married only for the sole purpose of pleasing Allah subhanawataalah, because, you know people, besides getting married to please Allah, have other intentions too to get married, like wealth, beauty, character, and to avoid falling into the sin of zina, but you don't have those needs, right? And like I said, you could have only one purpose which is to please Allah and Allah will never, ever let you down! So put your trust in Allah and go back to your country and find the best husband out there and get married! Allah has promised success in both this world and the hereafter to those who seek to please Allah! But you you know people who don't seek to please Allah, end up losing both the akhirah and this dunya. Like imagine you aren't there when your mother or father passes away! Worse things could happen, sister. So go ahead, my sister, put your trust in Allah and get married.

    And you know what? We will help you as best as we can with any financial needs you have, okay? Please don't feel shy to ask any financial help, sister. I mean, is a help from a Muslim just gonna be a few words? Is that all what a Muslim should do? No! So, we'll help you to the best of our ability, sister, don't worry.

    Salaamualaikum.

  2. Salaam Sister,

    It is such a ridiculous mindset to have and think there is a certain age where people would deem their child "old". Sister, you are young and please don't let others or even your parents bring you down with this statement. I'm assuming you are Desi? It is very prominent in our culture.

    Anyways, my advice for you is to complete your education and then look for marriage. You are very close to completing it so why would you jeopardize that just to get married? Sure, marriage is a Sunnah and Allah would be pleased but realize all your problems won't get solved just cause you get married. This Dunya is a test and you have to prepare and do what you can on your end. Think about this, what if this marriage prevents you from completing your education? What if this marriage doesn't work out? You need to secure yourself first before getting married and the situation you and your family are needs security! Marriage doesn't solve everything and to say "don't worry, Allah will help you" and blindly follow that is an understatement. Trust in Allah but at the same time, look out and prepare for yourself. I read so many posts here about sisters getting married due to pressure and now they are feeling miserable and can't get out because they had no back up plan or financial security. Not saying it happens ALL the time but it does happen quite often.

    Don't let society dictate your life and tell you are selfish if you want to pursue a higher education. There is nothing selfish about that as long as youre not harming anyone(emotional blackmail harming doesnt count). As Allah said, what is meant for you will be always reach out no matter the circumstances. So don't think this would be your last chance at marriage.

    I pray Allah does the best for you and you do what's best for you as well.

    Your Brother in Islam 🙂

  3. If they are finding some suitors that are interested you could try going back home for a semester or so. Otherwise you could just keep studying. Try skype and see if they are willing to talk to you that way.

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