Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t find a good Muslim man anywhere

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My last post was a plea for help regarding a prospect for marriage -- that didn't work out because of his family's prejudice towards other nationalities.

Since that point of time, I've been determined to get my mind back in the game. I looked to other outlets to let out my pain and turn it into motivation and ambition as I usually do. I feel that even though I barely ever turn that toward progressing in my Deen in terms of prayer, I believe Allah (SWT) is behind me and I contemplate about religion every day of my life.

I feel hopeless in that I simply do not attract Muslim men, or Muslim men my family will approve of at least. I attract educated and polite men.. usually of the Catholic faith. One Catholic man even asked my father for my hand in marriage. I have not attracted a Muslim man.

My parents claim to give me the right to choose my spouse as long as he is a "good Muslim, educated, of good family and good character" but maybe it's just become too hard to find that?

Not to boast, but I have accomplished far in comparison to my peers, will graduate in the near future with two degrees (insha'Allah), chaste and cultured. I clean and cook, but the former is a struggle to do on a daily basis as I study and work at the same time and live with my family (which make more of a mess than I can clean after during the weekdays). I try to get out more often to keep my mind off of the fact I am lonely. When I do pray, I ask Allah (SWT) for a guided husband.

I have my faults, but it seems they are becoming worse as I feel lonelier as days pass. Indeed, marriage is half of the religion.

What should I do? If a female makes it obvious she is looking, it is culturally frowned upon and will ruin my chances of marriage. I do not wish to resort to online dating, as a lot of it is easy to conceal identities and leads to a lot of problems. I am becoming tempted by a few of these non-Muslim men, who are not ill-mannered or disrespectful, but have actually held themselves away from me because they do feel attraction but respect that we are of different religions -- which I stood ground and expressed that it will not work based on that criteria.

I feel that men these days have lost their quality, many are cowards.. I have become resentful to the male race, however 100% heterosexual (for those who doubt, haha).

Any and all advice would be appreciated!

- Anonymous Blogger


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199 Responses »

  1. dear sister,

    salam alaik,

    i happen to stumble across your post which i find interesting. i have some viewpoints -

    1. age of marriage - from your last post, you state your age as 19. you must be 20 now. in some societies, parents want their girls to marry as early as possible if there are no obstructions to marriage such as pursuit of education. where i come from, 25 is the average age for girls to marry.

    2. another remark from your previous post - our parents' blessings are the key to a successful and happy marriage.

    3. it does not matter if a non-muslim is interested in you so long as he is willing to convert. and not merely convert but to really uphold the pillars of islam after conversion.

    4. people have the right to remain picky for as far as a life-partner is concern because it is a lifetime commitment. however, i've seen instances where the pickyness is unreasonable. in an islamic matrimonial site, one girl is seeking "a muslim man from a muslim country". i find this very disturbing because does living in a muslim country make one a good muslim? i live in a country where muslims make up 15% of the population but i consider myself a good muslim because i have never missed my prayers, fast, zakat and others. in fact, i enjoy doing the extras (or sunnahs) if i can help it.

    6. issue of dowry - it is a known fact that parents in some societies request a high dowry for their daughters. this could be a reason why you are not able to attract muslim men where you live i.e. it could be not because they are not interested but because they cant afford the costs of marriage.

    5. don't despair for not being able to attract any muslim men. if you're good and well-mannered as you've described, there will be opportunities for you.

    regards,
    Muhammad

    • Salams Muhammad,

      I happened to come across this post and read your reply to it. It's very good advice. However, being a Muslim man, you have no idea how difficult it is for a Muslim girl/woman to come across a Muslim guy with a good character and proper ideals. I'm a Muslim girl, aged 25, and I haven't had any proposals only because I'm slightly dark. I don't mind this, and being a Masters, I'm actually very busy these days to go any place to search for eligible men, and I have plenty of non-Muslims who fancy me. Why do Muslim men always want perfection in women, and yet we're not allowed to do the same (because we get older and lose our appeal)? Is that fair?

      Hanan

      • Hi Hanan,

        I have been looking for about 2 years now, and though I have attracted a number of non-muslim man, not been successful in the case of muslim men. However, I do not believe muslim men are choosy, they are respectful in their approach and feel asking a girl out if they are not completely sure is not ideal.

        Its better to settle down with the right guy later than make the wrong choice. I hope you all the best for your search! InshAllah you will find your Mr Right soon :)

        Rgds
        Tan

  2. funny thing is i heard of educated, good character, good muslim guys who can't find girls! you will find somebody someday, just keep looking and praying.

  3. Asalaamualaikum Anonymous Blogger,

    'I want to look for a job, but shh, I don't want to make it known'.

    Lol, I am not mocking you at all, just thought my opening line would make you see that your attitude is part of the problem here. You want to get married maashAllah, but you feel that you cannot make it obvious that you are looking for a spouse. Certain cultures may certainly frown upon a female actively looking for a spouse, but there is nothing wrong from an Islamic point of view if a female looks for a spouse, if of course you adhere to the Islamic guidelines.

    As with anything, one has to make the effort in order to get the best and its the same with marriage. Maybe you are hoping that you will bump into Mr Right one day and all will click and your family will be happy too - he'll be God fearing, passionate about practising Islam, be charismatic, humble, intelligent, witty, mannerful, funny - the list is endless, lol. If only :O). But what are the chances of bumping into Mr Right when you are not actually looking in the right places? 'Serendipity' and 'Sleepless in Seattle', lovely romantic chick flicks but imagine that happening and it being halaal, 'it just ain't happening, is it', lol.

    ***
    So - my advice to you is this. Start with trying to 'change yourself' through your mind frame and your social activities, as at the moment you have a very negative view of our fellow male species and hence maybe secluding yourself from the right type of crowd without realising.

    Not every Muslim man is cowardly, ill-mannered and disrespectful; but maybe every Muslim man you are attracting has been so. You seem to attract 'nice' men, but they are always Catholic. Maybe both these things are reflections of the make up of your social crowd. So instead of sitting back and waiting for the next guy to come your way, make an effort to meet the right people yourself. I can see you saying, 'How?!' There are various ways you can try:

    1. Ask your parents to network with their family friends, they must have friends who have sons, or who know of so and so.

    2. Sign up to some Muslim marriage bureaus

    3. Maybe its time to change your social habits. Try to get involved with activies where you will be mixing with Muslims (men and women). Try volunteering with Muslim organisations, charities, attend Islamic talks etc. These activites are beneficial, fun and may improve your perception of Muslim men. Apart from all this, you may actually meet a good Muslim brother in this halaal environment.

    You are fortunate that your parents are happy for you to marry a Muslim man from any culture, Alhumdulillah, that is refreshing to hear. Just make sure that before you start looking into any prospective, ask him if his parents are 100% OK with cross cultural marriages first. Your parents seem to be understanding and open minded, so take their help. Having parental support will ensure you protection when meeting brothers for marriage; it is also the recommended Islamic way. Be sure to adhere to the Islamic etiquettes of getting to know someone for marriage; as if we want to be hopeful of Allah's blessings, we need to follow Allah's Divine way.

    *** So focus: Don't give into pressure, i.e. don't give into your feelings of loneliness, doing so will only cloud your judgement and make you lose focus. Remember, you are a Muslim woman and so you are permitted to marry only a Muslim man. As striving Muslims, our goal should be to attain Allah's pleasure and to get straight to Jannah in the Hereafter. So take some positive steps as I have listed above to make some positive changes in your life. If you are focussed in the right way, you will naturally attract a good Muslim man inshaAllah.

    Dua: "Our Lord! give us spouse and children who will be the joy( and the comfort ) of our eyes, and guide us to be models of righteous (Leader of God-concious people). " (Qur'an 25:74) Aameen.

    May Allah grant us with both the good of this life and the next and may He protect us from the evil of this life and the next - Ameen.

    Best Wishes,

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • This is the MOST powerful email/blog post I have ever read.

      May Allah reward you for each and every good deeds you performed and for each good intention you have.

      Mofid

  4. It is hard to find good men with great qualities. But that doesn't mean they do not exists. Am tryin to fnd a good spouse also but grls these days I thnk are not trust worthy. Not sayin guys are any better these days! People these days are too involved in worldly things, they forget that oneday they gonna die and have to answer Allah. Idk if ur lucky enough to fnd Mr. Right, but how about lowering ur standards a little. Hopefully u fnd a decent guy that can respect u and ur family, and shower u with love. Inshallah.

  5. thats funny i feel like i am in the same sittuation exept i only attract very educated very polite Muslim men, and i am looking for one which is Catholic. I wish we could switch places...haha... it is not easy to find a great husband. thats why there are so many books, and websites giving advice about the topic. I will say a prayer that you find a religious husband who is kind and loving and see's marriage as a lifelong commitment for you.

  6. NEVER and i repeat never u thnk of even getting attracted 2 a non muslim, no matter how good are his morals b4 u acquire d wrath of ALLAH SWT on 2 ur soul.u r a good lady frm a good family wit sound islamic knowledg.so u are an asset 2 islamic community pls. u dnt belong 2 where u are eyeing. brightness is foreva superior 2 darkness.keep praying with YAQIIN.
    MAASSALAM

  7. There are several Muslim matrimonial sites, try something like that. It is hard to believe that there are no good Muslim men out there.

  8. salam to sister who posted the article ,I may say something you don't like or even other girls but I don't fear except Allah and take the truth or throw it away up to u,here we are and this is my story,I am looking for a muslim girl till now 3 years and what!! all of you want a very educated man ,in brief has a lot of money, what is this? Muhammed saaw said facilitate don't complicate,but u know I don't agree it's Islam ,its just you following modern life runing behind the cloud, and alhamdu lil Allah I am 28 and I prefer to be alone just not to follow lust of life , and for u and the other girl if she is muslim(DropsofGod)if u are true muslims read the Qur'an and you will find out who you are allow to marry and who u are not allowed-forbidden
    salam

    • No, hahaha, he does not need to have a lot of money. Not at all. He just needs to be educated and muslim (practicing), from a good family (and this is a very ambiguous term). I never though of marrying a non-Muslim, ever, it's just I feel that the perfect men come to me.. but the only flaw in my eyes is they are not Muslim.

      • me too, but i can't seem to find a good one anywhere, all the ones i have found are haram

      • Assalamu alaikum....

        What do you mean by good family??
        U think all the educated peoples are good?
        try to find out the good side of the people, then inshah Allah u can find a spouse just near you

    • salam

      education is good but not necessary. not all muslim sisters care about money, as i do not.
      the only thing i care about is love and respect, however my two husbands were not able to give that.
      why is it that men want to control you, by belittling you? when you have a good women who cooks and cleans and listens to everything you say, and obeys you why treat her so badly. maybne i attract the wrong men. i am looking for a muslim brother who is pious, prays, practices islam, and knows how to love i am
      27, and feel like everything is my fault. however in my heart i know allah sent the bad ones away to find someone good. inshallah

  9. sister.

    depending on your location, goto your local mosque you will meet sisters who can guide you to many eligible single pious muslim men.

    May Allah make things easy for you.

  10. Salaams,

    What's with all the catholics you are attracting? Do you work or study in a place that is densely populated with Catholic men? Now you use the word attract. Are you attracting men in the Western sense?

    It could well be that since you are not juding these catholic men, you are being more relaxed and being yourself and this would be an attractive force to men. Please realise this. No matter how innocent your aim is, unnecessary idle conversation or sharing personal opinions which is not allowed. Any interaction should be formal and business like, so a man gets a clear message to keep his distance.

    However, perhaps you are prejuding Muslim men and if you do not

    Thus a good Muslim man will observe you and in all fairness, may be put off by the fact that you are attracting men. A good Muslim man wil be looking for a woman who is modest and shy.

    Refrain from becoming tempted by non-Muslim men. They are not allowed as husbands.

    Increase your worship of Allah and be patient. Concentrate on what impressions you create with people in particular Muslim men as that is your 'target audience', not catholic men.

    Regards

    Hopeful

  11. As-Sallam Aleikum,

    This is not real problem! First let us know you Islamic knowledge or stand. The extend of your Islam. There are Million of pious brothers looking for sisters. Your location is very important as well so someone can introduce Muslim brother or even sisters to you.

    However, the programme you attend, even the company you keep determines all this. If you can let us know your Islamic understaning and your location, Insha Allahu, Allah shall make it easy.

  12. Salaams all,

    Wo! what do we have here?? a female version of me?? How can our stories be so similar? to brief you, i am a Muslim guy (would like to believe quite practicing) seeking a halal partner in a wife. But I face the problems that you are facing in finding a guy! I used to be a bad guy when I had those non-Muslim GFs in my life until Allah chose to give me the greatest gift one can ever get, Hidaya! Alhamdulillah! I said its all over to literally ALL the haraam girls in my life (GFs/Frens or whatever). Now I would like to have practicing Muslima as my wife but all the prev girls in my life that I had attracted were either non-Muslims point blank or so far away from Islam being Muslims that you are better off alone. When I do find a few good Muslimas, their families and the traditional mindset of their guardians act as a barrier. For the records, I quit my haraam job a few months back to get back to studies in pursuit of a halaal job. So technically I am jobless and they wont give me her hand until I am "settled". Daim! they say "we dont have much expectation. the boy shud be religious, blah, blah.." all OK until they come to "and well settled". they will keep their daughters unmarried for years together in their own homes but wont marry them to a guy who's not "settled" yet and still keep them home. C'mon, anybody can sponsor an extra person at home anyways, whether he's currently in a job or not. Why do I have to wait till I prove to them that I can get "settled" by clearing my exams?? It really is frustrating and the old gals do get back to you sometimes and its all the more frustrating as it is tempting to ward them off! It's all the un-understanding parents of the girls I would say! So I would say, don't look for a "well-settled" guy, you would be overlooking a huge potential database. Wealth is not everything!

  13. Sister I'm in the same boat as you, I want to get married to a good Muslim brother who will enlighten me and help me towards the path of righteousness. I do fellow Islam, but unfortunately I don't wear the scarf and my prayers are not regular, but INSHALLAH YARAB It will.
    I think because I'm mixed race every one presumes I'm not muslim even though my roots are Arab. Iv already had men ask for my hand in marriage, but it's because my mum is well known in the Arab community. I don't want to resort to the Islamic dating website or an arranged marriage. I know I'm still young (20) my time will come. My mum is always bringing the "marriage" topic up. My mum will never pressurise me into marrying anyone I don't want to, she's given me the choice he just has to be a Muslim from any background, but I do have standards to meet because my dad is a well respected working guy, it's going to be hard for me to bring home some one less. He has to be Muslim any race apart from Somalian (a very very bad family experience with them) and he has to be working
    I doubt my post has helped you in any way but I though I'd share it with you.
    Take care sister and good luck

  14. I am a Muslim woman who is in her 30s. I am considered to be a pious woman. I pray five times a day, go to Jummah prayer, fast, and even did Hajj in 2009 from another country because I did not have a Mehram to go with me from the US. I spent 7 1/2 years taking care of my mother who was suffering from cancer while working full-time. I am back in school to change my career, to become a psychotherapist, because I feel Allah will be pleased that I want to help the Muslim community, and also because I want more flexibility in my schedule so that I can devote time to Jummah, fasting, and remembering Allah (without just going through the motions). I can totally relate to this Sister. I feel so dejected and frustrated. I would love to marry a good Muslim man of good character. I am starting to lose hope that I ever will. I noticed that the non-Muslim who give me attention are respectful of my Islamic values and practice of Islam. They are kind and gentle to me. They genuinely care. The Muslim men who are introduced to me are what I call "passive" Muslim men -- they have basic Iman, but that is about it. They do not pray regularly, nor do they fast or give Zakat. In fact, many consider themselves social drinkers. Recently I met a Muslim man with whom I was able to relate. We had great intellectual conversation, enjoyed the same activities/hobbies, etc. I loved the fact that he went to Jummah, prays five times a day, did Hajj twice (the same time I went last year), and fasts. However, he PARTIES AND GOES CLUBBING EVERY WEEKEND!! What is that?! He comes from a conservative Indian family. He says he likes his single life. I initially thought that Allah had answered my prayers, and that I would be so lucky to be with a good, Muslim man. The other thing is he treated me like a girlfriend. So when I was getting mixed signals, I asked him where I fit in, and he told me he wasn't ready to settle and wanted to see what else is out there. Ouch!

    LIke the other Sister mentioned, I have had family and friends introduce me to other Muslims; I can go on and on about why that hasn't worked out (they are Muslim by name, drink, want citizenship, etc.). I go to Islamic gatherings, fundraisers, etc. at the Masjids here. I see mostly young couples together that makes me even sadder for me. I have gone to Muslim Speed dating events, etc. People say I am attractive and nice; that, of course, is relative.

    I don't know what to do. Marriage is important on so many levels. Companionship is important. I pray to Allah everyday that I stay a good Muslim and don't stray. I wish I could find a good Muslim man to marry. Sister, I feel for you. Inshallah you will find someone. You are young and have a lot of life to live.

    Thank you.

    • Sarah, Asalaamualaykum,

      'The Muslim men who are introduced to me are what I call "passive" Muslim men '

      That one line holds your problem and your solutions.

      Instead of allowing your family to introduce such men to you, look for a good man yourself. By saying that, I mean, don't allow yourself to be limited by your family's requirements. I am making assumptions when I say this, but I am pretty sure that your family have never introduced anyone outside of the Indian subcontinent to you. Look for a good Muslim man - period. I know that is easier said than done with our cultural barriers. But its better you find a good Muslim man regardless of what culture he is, than marry a good Non Muslim man.

      Liberate your horizons. May Allah make this task easier for us all and may He(swt) liberate the minds of our parents and families, aameen.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Aoa,
      Sister have you tried online matrimonial websites? I don't know how effective they are but they can be one way.
      Also have you thought about the possibility of relocating internationally if your spouse resides in some other country or in the country where your parents are?

      But SisterZ is absolutely right, come out of subcontinent and think globally :-) about good muslim man. InshaAllah you'll find him.

      May Allah give you a good muslim husband earlier than earliest, who is good for you in this life and hereafter. inshaAllah

      regards,

  15. Salaam,
    Dear community members, it has come to my attention that on so many levels, Muslim women are not being able to find suitible Muslim men whom they consider well practicing. It pains me to watch as some of my older sisters in the community 27-32 are still single even though they are some of the most intelligent and well devoted sisters to Islam. These women are in want of good husbands, and more often than not, there is a lack of men. It is upsetting, and it seems as though we need to fix this problem in the present anf for the future. Honestly, I have seen young Muslim guys be teased ever so slightly by non-Muslims who don't understand that Islam creates a special type of barrier between a man and a woman, and then you have youngsters fall for the "hot chick" rather than the good Muslim girl you eventually need.

  16. Salaam,
    I wrote over a month ago that I am in my 30s and want to get married but cannot find anyone. Friends and family have introduced me to some people, but I have the same issues as some of the other sisters. I am very educated, and therefore, education is important to me. He does not have to have a professional degree or PhD., but education is important. Also, some men are threatened when their wife has more education than them.

    One of the brothers commented that some of us sisters may be interested in money. I cannot speak for other sisters, but I know that I can support myself (Mashallah) and what is important is a pious man of good character, who will love and respect me. However, I do want to mention that just as many women may want a man who has money, there are way more men who are so into looks, that they will look over marrying a pious, devout woman because her skin is too dark or she is not beautiful enough (however that is defined by the individual person).

    It was also mentioned that parents' blessings are important. My mother wanted me to get married, but she past away 3 1/2 years ago. I don't have her blessings anymore. : ( My father prays for me and really wants me to get married. But I do not have many relatives who can introduce me to people. I have tried the matrimonial sites; however, it seems that I've reached "an expiration date" and the Muslim men on these sites tend to be interested in younger women. Also, this is so sad, but I have met a few Muslim men who do not really practice Islam and drink or go to clubs. People are telling me that due to my age I should overlook these things and consider marrying them because at least they are Muslim! I can't believe this!! How can I marry a man who drinks, does not pray or care about fasting just because he was born Muslim? It is so sad that people say this to me because I'm "older". Unfortunately, non-Muslim men still treat me more kindly even though I lower my gaze when I'm out. They tend to respect the fact that I am modest. I don't know what to do. I am praying and praying for Allah's guidance.

    • Will pray for you sister - May Allah swt make it easy for u (and all those looking for a spouse.) Dear sis i dont mean to accuse u, but also just check ur intention. Your intention is something which has to be constantly purified. Do u want to get married as your lonely or to please Allah swt? its probably a mix of the two (it is for me - its a real struggle to change it. I also dont feel I have the maturity to marry yet) so be aware of ur intention an know that if ur purify it, shaytan wil try to change it.

      Dont listen to what those people say about ur age. Dont lower the standards to that level. Dear sis, its better to be single and with ur deen then to be married to a man so far from his deen. (and most likely divorced.) Deen is soo important. The man should at least have basic deen and an inclincation to improve an learn more.

      I feel like such a hypocrite though as I am the 'passive' muslim (sister) u mentioned. I want to marry but I lack the courage to take the steps despite a few people offering to look. Meetings (halal), marriage beaureus, knowing what to look for, having to have That convo with the bro (im pretty shy), change - all of these things scare me. Please pray that I overcome these InshaAllah - i dnt want to look back and regret leaving it.

      Dear sis Allah swt is testing u with this. The catholic guys liking u is also a big test. Will u remain steadfast or try to remove the loneliness with sin? Remember tht Allah swt is with the sabireen (patient). Also protect urself from these guys - decent or not sis we are human and shaytaan will try to tempt both u and them. (e.g just smile at him, its rude not to etc.) So be on guard.

      And Allah has a plan for u and us all. There is some good in this for u, even though u cant see it yet, but InshaAllah He will reveal it to u eventually. When u find the right spouse InshaAllah u will also appreciate him even more. Be proactive in the interim.
      I pray that Allah swt helps u, the writer of the post, me and all those searchin to find the best spouse for them. Ameen.
      Sorry if I have written anything which didnt make sense - am extremely tired right now.

      • Dear SRMuslimah,

        Thank you so much for your beautiful reply. It was very inspiring. When you say intention, are you meaning that to quell the loneliness is the wrong reason to get married? Yes, there is loneliness, but I also want to get married because that desired in Islam, and it will keep in on the right path. Yes, it is important to be with a man who has strong deen. I am seeing men who practice Islam in terms of fasting, praying, Hajj, etc. but are living a non-halal life in terms of flirting with women, clubbing, and drinking. I just don't understand. : ( Anyway, thank you again for your reply.

    • Its a sorry state of affairs, we are living in strange times.

      Sisters cannot find a good pious man whom they connect with to marry. Others do find the right individual but parents and families cause unnecessary hinderances and barriers based on cultural prejudices.

      This state of affairs has brought many tears to my eyes and extreme sadness and yet I find no solution to this issue that so may of our sisters are facing.

      All I shall say is, see this as a test, keep striving as a Muslimah and do not under any circumstances lose sight of the bigger picture. The non muslim men you have met may be nice, but Islam permits muslim women to marry only muslim men. We have principals and we

      I pray Allah makes us strong enough to deal with all our situations in a way that is pleasing to Him(set), aameen.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I left my paragraph unfinished by mistake. I was meant to say:

        We have principles and we have preferences when looking for a spouse. Preferences are things like age, height, jobs, wages, cultural things etc. These things we can and should learn to compromise on. But we should never compromise on our principles as these define the character of the type of spouse we are looking for, such as piety and strong deen. Set these two factors as the basic requirements of the type of spouse you want and this will provide you with a strong foundation. And make lots of dua to Allah as nothing can happen without His(swt) Will.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • I am just adding my comments to this debate. I can relate totally to what Sarah is saying, although I am older (40) so my disappointment is probably much more intense.

          I find it extremely frustrating when people say: this is a test and remember that God has a wonderful spouse waiting for you in Paradise.

          I know everyone is well meaning. But deep down I am so, so very disappointed in the muslim community. It seems that muslim girls living in the West are at the mercy of their parents' friends and contacts. We are living on a continent where muslims are the minority. The age-old techinique of finding a spouse by word-of-mouth will have far less chances of success here than in traditional muslim communities. Online matchmaking is extremely demeaning for most well-educated, intelligent muslim women. Sarah, for example, has lost her mother. She is now forced to navigate the very scary world of searching for a good muslim spouse on her own, in a coutnry that not only has few muslims, but even fewer "good" muslims of marriageable age and who are highly educated.

          So the solution to finding a muslim spouse remains a mystery. We are only provided with "coping mechanisms" instead. But when you are lonely, heartbroken, yearning for a family of your own, the knowledge that life is a test is only partially comforting.

          I am just rambling, partly because I am very heartbroken because I never had a real advocate for my marriage goals. I was socialized to rely on my parents, who were themselves socialized in a completely different cultural context.

          It is possible that if we pray and pray and pray, God will bring a spouse to our doorstep. In my experience, once you reach your mid-to-late 30's, that almost never happens. It has never happened in my geographic community anyway.

  17. Salaam,

    I was thinking about what SRMuslimah said. I was thinking about intentions for getting married. Yes, I want to get married for both reasons: to please Allah swt and to quell my loneliness. My character and deen are pretty strong so I am not talking about myself per se when I say this, but loneliness can lead to a lot of destruction. I know people who have claimed that due to loneliness they started drinking (yes, even Muslims), engaging in inappropriate mixing of males and females, visited inappropriate sites on the Internet, and the list goes on and on. I just feel that it is not natural to live life alone, that Allah wants us to be married. Also, a part of me is afraid that I will indulge in inappropriate things being alone. I pray to Allah everyday to keep me on the straight path and make my iman strong. I hope I can maintain that. However, I am a woman with normal needs that can only or should only be fulfilled through marital relations. Also as we get older, we desire companionship. All these things should come from a marriage. No marriage is perfect, but I think we would all agree that, in general, it would improve the quality of our life. I do feel that the intention of getting rid of the loneliness and pleasing Allah swt are not entirely unrelated.

    I appreciated the comments from Precious Star. She is being very realistic, but I got a little disheartened when I read her response, but she is right; I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I was thinking/hoping that Allah swt will send a good man my way who will marry me. People keep saying that because I am a good person, took care of my sick mother, take care of my father, etc. that Allah will send someone good. I want to keep my Iman strong, but I just don't know anymore.

    • Sarah,

      You CAN keep your iman strong, while recognizing that dua may sometimes bring miracles, and sometimes (oftentimes) not. I too have bought in to the theory that by being a good girl, being good to my parents, etc, a nice marriage partner will be waiting for me around the corner. That is a very weak theory and it does a disservice to us women who want to establish families of our own. It is a type of brainwashing by our elders, so we stay within the confines of our religion and culture. However, over time I have come to realized that we can still remain true to our Islamic values while looking for a spouse outside of the traditional methods. This, of course, is neither supported nor suggested by the musim community.

      Dua does, however, bring comfort to the heart. You are reassured that regardless of the outcome, God is looking out for you. I believe that Allah answers our prayers, but more often than not He does not operate outside of reality. In other words, and I think I have used this metaphor previously on this website, God will not magically create a spring of water in the desert. Yes, it happened to Hajra, who received her zamzam, but neither you nor I are the progeny of divine prophets!

      I have come to realize that I may have to be a martyr and live my life alone, hoping that if I one day get to Paradise all my desires and dreams will be realized there. I don't think a husband is going to just show up through the "auntie network" or the internet, in this lifetime. It is possible I can meet someone at Starbucks or the local shopping mall, but again that is very unrealistic.

      I did not commit zina with my previous beloved, who was not muslim, but, I did cross some boundaries that I would never have crossed 5 or 10 years ago. I was lonely. I loved him. I had A LOT of guilt over that, and that is one of the reasons I ended things. But afterwards, in the midst of my guilt and prayers for repentance, there is one thing I realized. I forgot that God is merciful. I forgot that God loves me, and He will not judge me in a vacuum. I'm not saying i would do it all over again, but, I do think that by remaining alone, lonely and celibate well into our late 30's and 40s, we are living in an unnatural state of being. I think you have acknowledged this in your post above. Don't feel guilty or upset because of your inner yearnings; they are normal, and God understands your inner turmoil. Never transgress against your own soul (it doesn't seem like you are the type of person who would do that), but also don't be too hard on yourself. The Quran speaks of Allah's mercy much more often than His wrath.

      All we can do is keep our chins up and pray to God that He brings us joy and happiness in the best possible form.

  18. Salaam,

    Precious Star, Thank you for your insightful comments and for sharing part of your experiences. It is so nice to hear that another single woman in her 30s/40s is growing tired of the Aunties and others in the community that there is a good husband waiting for us good girls who took care of our parents, did right, etc. I don't even want to get into the discussion of how I've (and others have) seen Muslim girls who dated in high school, made out with boys, and went to clubs settle down into good marriages and have kids. I'm not saying they have perfect lives, but they have a companion and family. Right after my mother died I was bombarded with tips from all sorts of people to be out there now and that I should be out at the coffee shops, health club, etc. so that I can meet someone. I can't believe that I fell for that! There were Muslim people telling me this too!

    You are right that Allah is very merciful. I must remember that more often. I know Allah loves me, and I want to do things for the love of Allah. Yes, I find a lot of solace in praying and Dua. However, I often feel my Dua is not strong enough. I do feel that Allah will look out for me because of my prayer and Dua. The one thing I am struggling with is that I have been praying to Allah for months now to please help me forget a Muslim man who, I didn't realize at the time, wanted to be friends with privileges. I didn't realize it at the time because he was so pious in that he prayed 5x a day, fasted, went for Hajj, went to Jumma every week, etc. It appeared that he was treating me like someone he would be interested in marrying. After 6 months I asked him about his intentions because I was confused by his actions (he went to bars (not drinking supposedly) and clubs frequently with his Muslim colleague) and he was not interested in me in anything more than "friends". So when I found out, I did the right thing and distanced myself from him. I've run into him a few times as we live in the same city. We went to Hajj the same year (on different tour groups so we didn't see each other there). I wish I would stop thinking about him. The problem is that I would have fun with him and enjoy his company, and he was the only man I had met who was into Islam, and I LOVED that!! Other Muslim men I met for marriage have not practiced Islam consistently or would drink, etc. Anyway, I keep doing extra Nafl namaz asking Allah to help me forget him, but it's not working. Anyway, enough of bothering everyone with my issues.

    I am starting to seriously think about spending my life alone, but it makes me so sad that I often start crying. I do have this inner turmoil I'm going through, and I keep praying to Allah to help me through it. But it's not working right now. I guess time heals, and Allah will help me overcome these things in time. I have been doing a lot of thinking of how our culture is conditioning us women regarding marriage. You are definitely right that it is a type of brain washing. Unfortunately, there are good, decent available Muslim men out there to marry, but they are very, very few and far between.

    Yes, all we can do is pray to Allah and hope for his mercy and kindness.

    • Dear Sarah,

      You are not alone in your situation and I hope you will make dua for us all as:

      Abu Darda' (ra) reported: The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: "The supplication of a Muslim for his (Muslim) brother in his absence will certainly be answered. Everytime he makes a supplication for good for his brother, the angel appointed for this particular task says: `A meen! May it be for you, too." [Muslim, 1495]

      The Messenger of Allah(saw) said: Hadith: "Nothing prevents predestination except Du'a, and nothing stretches the age except righteousness." [at-Tirmidhi]

      Quran, Surah 21:87: "Dhan-Nun (Jonah), when he went off in anger, and imagined that We shall not punish him. But he cried through the darkness (saying): La ilaha illa Anta (none has the, right to be worshiped but You) Glorified be You, Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers."

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I, too, often think about my future alone. It is part of "acceptance", but like you, I often start crying when I think of that reality. I'm not sure when or if the pain will ever end. If you've spent your life hoping to live it with a companion and children, it is very, very hard to happily accept a solitary life without love and someone to take care of you. But I keep praying that the pain ends, and that my thoughts of the man I love/loved disappear from my mind as well.

      In recent days I have found myself asking God, "What now? What should I do now to actualize my complete potential?"

      • Keep praying my dear Sister Precious Star.

        I think your questions are healthy: "What now? What should I do now to actualize my complete potential?"

        Explore what you are capable of doing, busy yourself with a project, a hobby, an interest. I honestly think that something will come your way when you are least expecting it.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor
        x

  19. @Sarah & @Precious Star. Dear sisters, I can totally empathize with you as I feel lonely myself being single although I am a guy and much younger, in my early 20s. There are good, practising Muslim girls around who even showed interest in me but cant marry because I am still a student.

    It does get really frustrating at times because all the previous Haraam girls in my life are just a phone call or a message away and they would still welcome me in their life. But Alhamdulillah, Allah gives me enough patience to avoid the Fitna.

    One suggestion I would like to make though I am sure you would be aware is to break the isolation by getting involved with Muslim discussion groups all the time. There are online forums such as Ummah.com, TurntoIslam.com/forum, etc where hundreds of Muslims/Muslimahs share similar problems like ours openly on message boards and believe me, it does give you a respite. Yet another way to break the isolation is to work closely with an Islamic group. Alhamdulillah the group I work with here locally, keeps me so busy that apart from studies and Islamic work I dont have idle time to let my mind wander. I even avoid going to bed until I am really sleepy cause otherwise that would again give me an opportunity to let my mind wander.

    May Allah give us Strength and Patience to be steadfast in His path until death which is not too far away and to die as true believers. The tests of the people who passed away before us have been much more difficult. See TMQ 2:214.

    • Syed MF,

      Why should your studying be a barrier to marrying? Is it not possible for you to marry and live with your parents or her parents till such a time that you are financially independent?

      I would say, speak to your parents and tell them that you wish to look for wife and continue your studies. I know many young Muslim who have done this and are better off a result. They are studying and they are enjoying companionship in a halaal manner at the same time.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I am all and out FOR marrying early. I dont care if I am studying or not. In fact that's what my Muslim brothers in my group and I want to do when we have kids InshaAllah. Marry them off even when they are studying. They shouldn't suffer like us. Anyone can sponsor an extra person at home. But the problem is with the parents. Even if I convince my parents, how will I convince her traditional-minded parents? I live in a conservative society where the guy's salary is a big deciding factor in selecting him for your daughter.

        On a different note, I would like to give the sisters above who are older than the usual age of marriage, hope. Because around us we have a very pious sister in our group who heads the sister's Halqa. Most of us haven't even seen her but the fact is any of us would love to marry her. And she is above 30, and at least 9 years older to me and I swear to Allah, I wouldn't mind living my life with her. There are other highly qualified brothers who, also much younger to her, would love to marry her just because of her piety and strong character. Let me repeat, most of us haven't even seen her! But we are just looking for the best person for her because she deserves the best in both the worlds. So sisters, whether you are older in age or dark in color, don't lose hope. For there are many brothers out there who really don't care about such things. Our Prophet PBUH married Khadijah RA when she was 40 and he 25! And of their union, was born Fatima RA. Both mother and daughter are two of the 4 greatest women to walk on earth! What an example, Subhanallah! So sisters, look for brothers whose model is the Prophet pbuh, and not some Hollywood hero and such brothers will really not mind your age or color or qualification just like all the brothers in my group. Trust me, there are several out there Alhamdulillah. Never lose hope.

        Yet, if the Qada of Allah is otherwise then Allah will surely compensate for that. When He takes away one Nyamah from a Momin, he gives something better in return, either in this world or the hereafter or both. I myself have lost something irreplaceable in my life without which life is more difficult than it would be. But honestly speaking, I am happier than sad because I know Allah will give me something better, and that better I dont mind not getting it in this world. May Allah make it easy for you and all of us.

        • Syed MF,

          How sweet of you maashAllah! May Allah bless more of our brothers with your way of thinking and may He(swt) also make your path easier.

          With regards to your personal situation, keep trying my brother. Speak to the elders, get a dialogue going. Thats the only way to get mindsets to start changing. What do you have to lose? Nothing :).

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  20. Jazkallahi Khair Ukhti. I will try InshaAllah :). Lets make dua for each other and everyone.

  21. Dear Syed MF,

    You are a very kind and mature man. I hope you end up sharing your life with a wonderful, pious girl of good character. I wish there were more men out there like you. Where I live, they are so rare and mostly taken. The good men want to marry young and be involved with their families. Thank you for the examples you gave of pious women. I have often told my father about Bibi Khadijah and how she got married at age 40. Even though I am losing hope, I try to give him hope. Thank you for telling us to keep hope, but at this point it's very, very hard.

    Yes, let's do Dua for each other.

    Sarah

  22. ohhh....wow inshallah u will find a gud and pious muslim man...i have heard that lots of people are having trouble looking for the 'right partner'...im only 19, but it really does scare me...i mean i want to by allahs mercy marry a good muslim man who will help me get closer to allah...but what if it does not happen...lol i will be so gutted! but i see so many people are telling you to 'mix with the right crowd'...i doubt that being a good idea...i mean isn't that sort of haraam in the first place...its not a good idea to use a haraam pathway to get what you want even though it may seem like a good idea...ask your family to look on your behalf and make dua to allah...i hope everything works out..wasalam

    • Thank you Lilmuslimah. I'm not angry or sarcastic, but I don't know what to say anymore. I have been asking my family for years to try to find someone for me. I lost my mother almost four years ago. She did a good job of scoping potential men. I appreciate my father trying to do so now, but he doesn't understand a lot of this stuff like my mother did. In terms of asking family, I did. A family member introduced me to a Muslim boy in January. I met with him. He took his mother to Hajj the same year I went, in 2009. He told me that Hajj did not do anything for him and that he will not give up drinking and smoking at this time. Forget about his praying and fasting. Eating would probably be a problem too because he likes his "fancy cuts of meat" whereas I eat only Zabiha meat. Sorry - the last bit was a little sarcastic, but true. A year ago my uncle introduced me to a Muslim man who does not pray, questions things in the Quran, and is a "social drinker". I have more examples but will spare you the details. Like I said, I don't know what to say anymore. I just keep quiet and keep praying to Allah. May Allah pair you with a good man. Again, thank you for your kind thoughts. I am not being sarcastic or angry with these comments. I'm just providing examples of the types of men I've been introduced to by family.

      • aww thanks sarah! its okay i no ur not being angry or sarcastic...i will make dua for u inshallah! but umm...wow the so called muslim men ur family have introduced u to really SUCK! honestly i no what u mean when u say they question quran, i mean i have family who do that...i try my best to explain but sometimes they do not want to listen or cannot accept the fact that some things/knowledge lie only with allah...makes me angry when they do not trust allah! but that aside i am very sorry about the loss of your mother...inshallah allah swt forgives her of her sins and gives her jannah ameen. i can imagine that sometimes even though u pray to allah...when things don't happen everything feels rather hopeless...i think we have all felt this way at some point, well just be patient sister, maybe you can find a PROPER muslim man if ur family looks in a mosque or religious event? i mean my friend got married to a guy who from a tender age was always regularly attending the mosque, her father saw him and he said that if she got a proposal from that man then he would definitely agree to the marriage...and my allah's mercy his family proposed to her and they got married...so your family need to look in the right place perhaps and not for random people who bear the title muslim only because their forefathers do. please don't lose hope as just because you may be getting older, it does not necessarily mean you won't get married...maybe time needs to pass and circumstances need to change before allah blesses you with a 'good' husband...it is better to wait and find a good one then rush into marriage beacuse of social/societal factors and find the marriage does not work out...(due to the guy being a total prick) lol! may allah bless u with a pious muslim life partner ameen x

  23. Sarah, your name is very close to my heart. My daughter's name is sarah. She is five now. Through very tramatic situation, i went through a horrible divorce last year. I'm 35 btw. I met sarah's father through online matrimonial site. He was truly a dream come true. I thought Allah really answered my years of supplication. He was good looking, supposedly practicing muslim, to be doctor. anything and everything a girl could ask for. He had everything except for a heart and a soul. In my five years of marriage i went through hell and back. I did everything under the sun to please him but nothing sufficed him, a true narcissist. To him, he was God's gift to earth and even one thing not according to his will meant consequences. Even our divorce and custody was on his terms.
    I have one blessing, my daugher Sarah. I have her every other week only. She love me and cries everytime she has to her father. He is very controlling even with her.
    When I read your post and precious star's comment, i felt an urge to share my marriage experience. I will not say that I wish i never got married, because I have a precious blessing from Allah in Sarah. But I do wish our muslim ummah had more quality men.

  24. Subhanallah, i thought my previous post would be my last. But after hearing such contrasting stories from the sisters, I cant but post again. I don't know which part of the world you sisters live in. In my part pious and righteous brothers are as common as pious sisters are rare. The problems you sisters are facing in finding practicing brothers, the brothers around me are facing in finding even little piety in the sisters that approach them. The pious Muslim brothers in our Da'wah group greatly outnumber the pious sisters. Not that there is a lack of Muslim women. But lack of women with the prefix "pious". The young Muslim ladies are crazy about dumb reality shows, this movie, that actor, this singer, that model. They even stalk the religious brothers who don't show interest in them! Just sometime back I received an email from an old so-called Muslim female friend from my Haraam days who just doesn't give up in trying to strike a Haraam relationship. At other places they try to strike a communication under the guise of professional talk asking silly questions the answer to which they could easily find themselves. Another brother got a modeling offer even with his beard! While he obviously refused the not-so-sisterly "sisters" accept gleefully. Far from protecting the Hijab by adopting it themselves they speak against it!! Subhanallah! When you try preaching to them about Islam and their role as a Muslim they get so put off like we've sprayed an insecticide. I mean, we brothers discuss that we rather remain bachelors! I suggest that you sisters broaden your search. I know that's easier said than done. So I wished we the Ummah were one nation without borders like Rasulullah SAWS said that "the Ummah is one body..." . That way we wouldn't have problems matching Muslims as per the Quranic Ayah- " Impure women are for impure men and impure men for impure women, and pure women are for pure men and pure men for pure women." (TMQ 24:26)

    May Allah give us patience until He enriches us with His bounty whether here or in the hereafter.

  25. the truth is you dont find .... Allah chooses for you a partner when he feels it is the right time for you, ppl thought they found the right man but few months or years later they end up in divorce or find the husband cheating or saying i have a second wife etc.... so if you "think" you will find the right man let me tell you straight you will never find the man your looking for because you are not ALLAH ....He wrote your story only he is able to make things happen so instead of going in search for a ''man'' go search for Allah .....

    • Haniyya: I agree with you philosophically, in that nothing happens without the will and decree of Allah. But He does not help us unless we help ourselves. Allah SWT will not make a husband magically appear out of nowhere. If we live in an environment where we do not have access to marriageable men, then marriage will not happen. True, miracles, serendipity, fairy tales, etc do occur but in very, very rare instances. Reality bites.

      At this stage, perhaps the healthiest outlook is acceptance. God gives us what we need; He does not always give us what we WANT. Dua makes us stronger, and helps us reaffirm our reliance on Allah, but it is not axiomatic that if we make dua then Allah will deliver us a husband! If HE wills, then our efforts, desires and dua will bear fruit; if not, then we are out of luck. As so many people remind me, I may have to wait for death and Paradise (if I get there, ha ha) to obtain a loving partner in my life (I actually find it a bit cruel for others to tell me that this life is a wasteland and i should look forward to death instead; a family is one of Allah's blessings and the basis of our social structure as HE has structured it -- so why shouldn't I want that for myself and hope that He gives it to me? But anyways!). Until then, soldier on.

      SyedMF: I am sorry to hear about what is going on in your community. But truly, such stories are not helpful. I know so many so-called muslim men who are guilty of the same behaviours you describe. Moreover, many "pious' muslim men remain hung up on age, weight, height, skin colour and wealth of their prospective brides, and these hang ups are shared by their mothers. At the end of the day, there are far more unmarried older muslim women than there are men. There are also far more older unmarried muslim women than older unmarried non-muslim women. Most women want something very simple -- someone who is similar to them in outlook, who shares their faith and values, is kind, and will take care of them with love and compassion. It seems that this is more readily available for our non-muslim sisters, at this chapter of our human drama.

      Of course, I'm just musing aloud; i don't have the answers.

      I wish us all the best of of luck in our journey to acceptance or (if God wills it) marriage.

      • by the way.... i was desperate.... made dua to get a good hubby within the month .... a week later a man came and propose..... i got marrried at 16 .there is no power and might xcept from Allah.

        • haniyya, there is nothing wrong with a woman (or her family) approaching a man for marriage. It is perfectly acceptable in Islam. If it's against your culture that's fine, but don't try to push your culture on others, and don't speak about what is allowed or not allowed in Islam if you do not know.

          Al-Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 54:

          Narrated Sahl bin Sad:

          A woman presented herself to the Prophet (for marriage). A man said to him, "O Allah's Apostle! (If you are not in need of her) marry her to me." The Prophet said, "What have you got?" The man said, "I have nothing." The Prophet said (to him), "Go and search for something) even if it were an iron ring." The man went and returned saying, "No, I have not found anything, not even an iron ring; but this is my (Izar) waist sheet, and half of it is for her." He had no Rida' (upper garment). The Prophet said, "What will she do with your waist sheet? If you wear it, she will have nothing over her; and if she wears it, you will have nothing over you." So the man sat down and when he had sat a long time, he got up (to leave). When the Prophet saw him (leaving), he called him back, or the man was called (for him), and he said to the man, "How much of the Quran do you know (by heart)?" The man replied I know such Sura and such Sura (by heart)," naming the Suras The Prophet said, "I have married her to you for what you know of the Quran "

          ***

          So as you can see, a woman approached the Prophet (pbuh) for marriage and he did not disapprove of that or criticize her. He personally did not wish to marry her, so he matched her with someone else and married them to each other.

          Also, a general rule in Islamic fiqh is that all things are halal unless they are specifically prohibited by Quran or Sunnah. So rather than challenge someone else to bring proof that something is halal, you must bring proof that it is haram, and simply saying, "No one does it," is not proof.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • As salamu alaykum,

          The Prophet (saw) and his first wife.

          Khadija was convinced that she had finally found a man who was worthy of her, so much so that she initiated the marriage proposal herself......She offered herself in marriage to him.

          María
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • There is nothing wrong with that nd don't say if you don't know it is not right because this happened the time of the Prophet s.aa.w

  26. ppl dont trust Allah enough....

  27. Im sorry to say but Haniyya, it is because of people like you that so many women like us suffer ...u need to change ur mentality sis and realise that women are not to sit around and wait until they rot in order to fulfill half their deen.

    Dont present ur cultural thoughts as if they come from the deen or as if they are THE way, the correct waY. In fact, this part of culture is anything but the way..it is not only wrong but suppresses and oppresses us women and many women are suicidal, lonely and unfortunate due to cultural pressures...This whole thread is a proof of that.

    I hope wael's reply is sufficient in proving to u that its certainly acceptable islamically and happened during prophets time.

    was salamu alaikum

  28. Salaam to all,

    I know this is a bit off topic but something thats really making me curious...where are all these people who have contributed to this thread from?? All the sisters and brothers like syed etc??

    Because im really curious to know which which cultures are so similar in this respect ?

  29. wael you cant compare the prophet s.a.w to us o puhlease.... that is no proof.... islamically either a wakil search for you a husband your parents or you ask Allah and in time inshlh all will go well... you see my MENTALITY is islamic women should have haya not go out searching for men no wonder 99% women who went to search for men ended up depressed.... YUSUFALI: If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.

    004.004
    YUSUFALI: And give the women (on marriage) their dower as a free gift; but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, Take it and enjoy it with right good cheer.

    004.005
    YUSUFALI: To those weak of understanding Make not over your property, which Allah hath made a means of support for you, but feed and clothe them therewith, and speak to them words of kindness and justice.

    004.019
    YUSUFALI: O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may Take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.

    004.020
    YUSUFALI: But if ye decide to take one wife in place of another, even if ye had given the latter a whole treasure for dower, Take not the least bit of it back: Would ye take it by slander and manifest wrong?

    004.021
    YUSUFALI: And how could ye take it when ye have gone in unto each other, and they have Taken from you a solemn covenant?

    004.022
    YUSUFALI: And marry not women whom your fathers married,- except what is past: It was shameful and odious,- an abominable custom indeed.

    004.023
    YUSUFALI: Prohibited to you (For marriage) are:- Your mothers, daughters, sisters; father's sisters, Mother's sisters; brother's daughters, sister's daughters; foster-mothers (Who gave you suck), foster-sisters; your wives' mothers; your step-daughters under your guardianship, born of your wives to whom ye have gone in,- no prohibition if ye have not gone in;- (Those who have been) wives of your sons proceeding from your loins; and two sisters in wedlock at one and the same time, except for what is past; for Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful;-

    004.024
    YUSUFALI: Also (prohibited are) women already married, except those whom your right hands possess: Thus hath Allah ordained (Prohibitions) against you: Except for these, all others are lawful, provided ye seek (them in marriage) with gifts from your property,- desiring chastity, not lust, seeing that ye derive benefit from them, give them their dowers (at least) as prescribed; but if, after a dower is prescribed, agree Mutually (to vary it), there is no blame on you, and Allah is All-knowing, All-wise.

    004.025
    YUSUFALI: If any of you have not the means wherewith to wed free believing women, they may wed believing girls from among those whom your right hands possess: And Allah hath full knowledge about your faith. Ye are one from another: Wed them with the leave of their owners, and give them their dowers, according to what is reasonable: They should be chaste, not lustful, nor taking paramours: when they are taken in wedlock, if they fall into shame, their punishment is half that for free women. This (permission) is for those among you who fear sin; but it is better for you that ye practise self-restraint. And Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.

    004.027
    YUSUFALI: Allah doth wish to Turn to you, but the wish of those who follow their lusts is that ye should turn away (from Him),- far, far away.

    004.034
    YUSUFALI: Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).

    004.035
    YUSUFALI: If ye fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation: For Allah hath full knowledge, and is acquainted with all things.

    004.128
    YUSUFALI: If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best; even though men's souls are swayed by greed. But if ye do good and practise self-restraint, Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do.

    004.129
    YUSUFALI: Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: But turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding, and practise self-restraint, Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful. tELL ME HAS ALLAH MENTIONED MEN OR WOMEN WHEN ALLAH TALKS OF THEM GETTING MARRIED? you follow culture and the modern world WAEL i simply follow islam ..... im not fighting ;) just stating facts

    • haniyya, I am not sure what your intention is in presenting all these ayaat, since none of them address the issue, which is a woman initiating a marriage proposal. I think the argument you are trying to make is that Allah has addressed men in the Quran, therefore men are the bosses and should be the ones proposing marriage.

      There are many ayaat in the Quran where Allah addresses women or includes women. For example:

      "Among His Signs is that He created spouses for you of your own kind, so that you might find tranquillity in them. And He has placed affection and compassion between you. There are certainly Signs in that for people who reflect." (Surat ar-Rum: 21).

      "I will not let the deeds of any doer among you go to waste, male or female-you are both the same in that respect." (Surah Al 'Imran: 195)

      "Anyone, male or female, who does right actions and believes, will enter the Garden. They will not be wronged by so much as the tiniest speck." (Surat an-Nisa: 124).

      The reason that many of the ayaat about marriage and divorce are addressed to men is that men were dominant in that society and used to use their position to abuse women and deny their rights. So Allah is reminding and informing them of the rights of women. If you read the ayaat that you quoted, you will clearly see this.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  30. o and maria m... sister that time when ghadija r.a married the prophet s.a.w the quraan had not been revealed yet....

    • Jazak Allahu Khairan, haniyyya. Yes, you are right.

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • haniyya, the Prophet (pbuh) was protected by Allah from sin from his birth. So Allah would never have allowed him to get involved in an un-Islamic or improper situation. If he accepted a marriage proposal from a woman, then it is proper and acceptable to do so, even if the Quran was not revealed yet at that time.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.,com Editor

      • If you recall sister I quoted to you a case mentioned in Al-Bukhari where a woman did indeed go to him and offer herself for marriage. You rejected it, saying, "wael you cant compare the prophet s.a.w to us o puhlease.... that is no proof"

        SubhanAllah. Don't you know that Allah says, "There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent pattern for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Last Day and [who] remembers Allah often." (33:21)

        Sister, the way of the mu'min is not to argue a position with no evidence, based only on our own opinion. Even if we had a contradictory opinion before, when we are presented with evidence we should say, "Ma-sha-Allah" and accept it. There is no shame or embarrassment in that. It is part of Islamic scholarship to be open to changing your mind when presented with proof.

        I have just published a definitive article on this subject here:

        Can a Muslim Woman Initiate a Marriage Proposal?

        Please note in particular the long section by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari at the end. He has provided plenty of evidence.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  31. I would like to respond to Precious Star's comment from March 17th. I agree and have been taught that we have to try as well as pray to Allah if we want something. However, like Precious Star mentioned many of us live in an environment where good, pious, available Muslim men hardly exist. The ones who do want a woman with fair skin and one in her 20s, beautiful, tall, etc. (I'm not saying this in a bitter fashion; people say I have fair skin and some other desirable qualities, except for age, of course.) Anyway...I digress.

    Precious Star brought to my attention that people often say that maybe we will have a good mate not in this world but in Paradise. It's hard for me to be totally okay with that. Plus, lately a few pious Muslim sisters and uncles have told me that is a silly (with all due respect) statement. The goal should be to get an appropriate mate in this life. In terms of potentially having a husband in the next life, Precious Star pointed out lightly, we need to get to Paradise. lol. However, beyond that I feel that (I say this respectfully) in a way our needs in this life, if you will, are/may be different than the next life. We were told that marriage is part of Sunnah, and marriage is important to procreate (wealth and children are a blessing according to the Quran). According to the Quran, "Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think." Don't all these things apply to this life? I am not denying that there may be need or want of a good, pious husband in Paradise, but in this life we, as Muslims, should want to create a family environment and have children. I have no children and mostly will not be able to. I often wonder who will pray for my dead soul; I will not have anyone to pray for me. What then...anyway...Also, I have physical needs in this life. I am commended and I commend myself for keeping myself pure. Let's be honest...it's frustrating though, especially if you're like me, at a certain age and living in the West where it appears that everyone is fulfilling their physical needs. I firmly believe that as human beings, having a physical connection is crucial and it is abnormal and leads to psychological pathology if we don't have that. (Just look at studies that have been done in the field of psychology in this regard.)

    All in all, what I'm saying is that, like Precious Star has mentioned, there is little, if any, consolation knowing that I may have a good husband in Paradise. And lately, even pious Muslim women have revealed the harsh reality that I shouldn't hold my breath in trying to find a practicing Muslim man with good character. There are so many, so many examples of practicing Muslim men who hang out in non-halal environments, partake in haraam activities, etc. I guess I am jaded; I used to think, "wow...this Muslim man is praying, fasting, etc. He must be a good man, of good character, etc." Not anymore...I have met way too many men (not married and married, within the community) who fast, pray, have done Hajj, go to Jumma every week, etc. but are drinking, beating their wives, going to bars and clubs (justifying it by saying they don't drink), making money in a haraam way, etc. I can't make sense of that.

    Plus, I have to agree with Precious Star that although I respect and admire SyedMF's comments, the Muslim men in my sphere (and I live in a large, urban city where the Muslim population is more than decent) are way more like the women he describes in his community.

    Anyway, in summation, please forgive me, but there is no consolation in thinking there may be a good Muslim husband in the next life. Plus, a lot of pious Muslims don't prescribe to that notion. I'm sorry - I'm not trying to doubt or lose faith. I'm trying to cope and accept things the best I can. Also, for the women who were blessed to find a good husband early in life and easily say that those of us who are praying to Allah and hoping do not trust Allah enough, they were very fortunate to have Allah's blessings in this regard. That is great for them. However, it is often a hard pill to swallow when a lot of these women who easily found someone are quick to say that we do not put enough trust in Allah. That simply is not true.

    Also, I don't know about others, but hope is taking a toll on me. Not that I am losing hope, but hope in this matter takes a lot of energy out of me. I guess that's why I just keep praying and ask Allah to keep me chaste and in the path of a good Muslim woman. I also pray to Allah to please help me accept this. Acceptance will hopefully make things easier.

    • If there are no good Muslim men to marry in the are you are living, then you will have to immigrate.

      "Was not the earth of Allah spacious [enough] for you to emigrate therein?" [4:97]

      • yeah imigrate socialize with pious elderly women who knows they might like you and ask their sons to marry you....

    • Sarah, your comments are spot-on. I could have written your comment myself. In recent months, people have said that it doesn't matter if I am lonely because all I really need is Allah. That the reason I am unhappy is because i focus too much on "dunya things" when my real goal should be attaining closeness to Allah.

      I have A LOT of difficulty with this line of thinking, for the reasons you have mentioned. And by disagreeing with this line of thinking does not mean that we shouldn't attain closeness to Allah - to the contrary. However the two are not mutually exclusive. Anyway, this is my logic. Allah SWT has created us as social beings. Everything about Islam is structured around connections - connections to our parents, connections to our spouse, even motherhood - how beautiful that we nurture our babies in our bodies fo r9 months, then feed them from our own breasts! How often does Allah mention in the Quran that we should be kind and generous to orphans and widows? As muslims, we so often pray in jamaat rather than alone, we perform Hajj as a community, we break our fasts together with friends and family. Our bodies tingle with warmth when we receive love and affection from others. Allah SWT has created us to interact in a meaningful fashion with other human beings. We need and desire strong emotional connections.

      But when a muslim boy falls in love with a non-muslim girl, the parents turn a blind eye and embrace that girl into their family and culture. Those weddings take place with all sorts of hoopla. But when a muslim girl remains single well into her 30's and - in my case, 40 -- then "oh well, you have Allah! and you will have wonderful spouse waiting for you in Paradise."

      That's great. But the foundation of this world is the family, and love. Allah created love. We will always have Allah whether we have a husband or not! Its not an either/or!

      I guess I am pretty vociferous about this issue today because I've been crying a lot again, including last night when i said to my mother that God forgive me I have some regrets in turning away the man I loved. God forgive me but sometimes I find myself slipping and thinking that given the state of the muslim community and their total failure in trying to help the daughters of the community get married, maybe I could have convinced him to take the shahada and lived in harmony with him. I am sad and lonely, that's why I am saying that. But how is living alone and without love and without children advantageous? He was kind to me. He didn't care I was older than him. He asked about my parents and extended family (you know how many muslim men I have spoken to who have not shown one ounce of interest in my parents or siblings? I am often astounded by that). He loved my values and never pressured me to contravene them. He was intelligent and we could have discussions about so many issues of the day. He was reserved and never, ever put me down or was impolite. The irony...that I looked for these qualities in the muslim community and never, ever found them -- and at age 40 I've lived life.

      Of course, I will never go back. But as you can see, I am really, really struggling with acceptance of what has happened to my life. And like you mentioned once, at this stage people are saying I should just take what I can get as long as the man is muslim -- you know how that makes me feel? To put it bluntly, I feel like crap! As though my reward for waiting all these years is to just grab what's out there, like a hungry animal desperate for food.

      After doing reaseach on the nature of dua, I now really believe that dua brings us closer to Allah, and enhances our spiritualality. It does not give us what we want. Religion is not a magic wand that turns negative circumstances into positive ones, it simply makes those negative circumstances more bearable.

      • I have said many times sister, and I will say once more. Please change your aqeedah about dua.

        After doing reaseach on the nature of dua, I now really believe that dua brings us closer to Allah, and enhances our spiritualality. It does not give us what we want.

        Dua can't give us what we want. Only Allah can give us what we want. Since He is our Lord, He gives us when He wants to give, not when we want to receive. I very well understand your frustrations, but at the end of day, being the slaves of All Mighty, do we have any other option except to give you the advice to be patient?

        I believe the following verse has been quoted many times, but I will quote once again:

        Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such [trial] has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until [even their] messenger and those who believed with him said,"When is the help of Allah ?" Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near. [2:214]

        When we read the stories of how Allah accepted the prayers of Prophet Zakahriah (AS) and Ibraheem (AS), and blessed them with children, it is very easy to feel that they were given those blessings very easily. But the reality is opposite. The more beloved a slave becomes to Allah, the more severe his trials become. Since the prophets of Allah were the closest to Him, they were also the ones who were severely tested. In fact, no human being is tested more than a prophet. Therefore, before looking at how Allah blessed His prophets, we should first look at how much they had to endure.

        And if you read the verse again, you will find that there were even prophets of Allah, who became exasperated because of delay in Allah's answering their prayer. Can you imagine anyone more patient than the prophet of Allah? Yet they cried out, "Where is the help of Allah." Yet we want our prayer to be answered as soon as we make dua.

        Religion is not a magic wand that turns negative circumstances into positive ones, it simply makes those negative circumstances more bearable.

        Look at the first part of the verse that I have quoted above. Jannah is a such a huge blessing from Allah that even the worship of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), the greatest Messenger of Allah, does not worth the blessing of Jannah. At the same time, Jannah will not be given either if the slave of Allah at least does not make some effort to attain it.

        The trials that we face in this world are blessing in disguise because these are our opportunity to make some effort to attain Jannah. If Allah wanted, Allah could have make religion the magic wand. But Allah did not intend so. The divine plan was to make Adam descend from Jannah to duniya, the place of trials, temptations, and tests. Now, does religion make the hardships of this life more bearable? It depends on how much you are convicted about the hereafter. It depends on how much you value Allah's promise of rewarding us with Jannah. That there is a hereafter, and that we have been guided to Islam by Allah, and that we can hope to enter the mercy of Allah, is the only reason be happy about our human existence. Since we do not have any power to change our circumstances without the wish of Allah, this feeling should make us happy, or give comfort, no matter how hard a trial afflicts us. If the promise of Allah does not at least give us comfort, we risk to lose our akhirah. And the greatest losers will be those who will lose the akhirah.

        My words are harsh. They are easier said than done. But the reality is harsh too. Someone lose their parents. It hurts, but can they change the situation? They can't. Some remain unemployed. Many people are tested in many unimaginable ways. This website is an example. We can only make effort to change our situation. The result has to come from Allah. If that does not happen, we have no other option but to remain patient over the decree of Allah, if we want to come out victorious in the next world.

        I read a weak hadith somewhere. It was a conversation between the Shaytan and the Messenger of Allah. The Messenger of Allah asked Shaytan a few question and the Shaytan was forced by Allah to give honest answers. The Messenger of Allah asked, "How can someone become a true slave of Allah?" The shaytan said, "No one can be a true slave of Allah as long as they have an iota of love for this world."

        This is the Truth. While it is hard to admit, we all have love for his world. I have love for this world, you have love for this world. That is why today we can't remain patient with the decree of Allah, let alone become happy. Someone gets a promotion in the job and I feel sad. Someone builds a house and I want to build a house too. Allah gives me this but I want that. I want a daughter but Allah gave me a boy. This jealousy, this sadness, this unhappiness....these negative feelings come into our mind only because we immensely love this duniya, consciously or sub-consciously. Unless we are truly able to understand this duniya from the perspective of akhirah, and can always keep that in our mind, we will continue to find it hard to accept the decree of Allah, and thus remain sad, unhappy, and depressed.

        • MashaAllah - beautiful response.

          I am sorry sister Precious star - your situation is difficult and horrible, but its really important with all hardships to try to remember that they happen for a reason. And nothing happens without Allah swt decree. He removed this guy from your life for a good reason - He is the One who knows whats best for us.

          Sister Sarah and Precious star
          I do not dispute that you we need life partners, and socialisation. We have physical, emotional and spiritual needs. Marriage is half our deen. So no one here is saying - dont worry about marriage here - you'll get one in the next life. Marriage is an important need.

          But Allahs wisdom is great! Let me give you an e.g - Hajj, which is obligatory on all who can go. I know a few people who can't go due to health/money/other but would LOVE more than anything to go. But they can only go if Allah swt wills. This is your test.

          "but there is no consolation in thinking there may be a good Muslim husband in the next life."

          If this is how you feel you should work on strengthening your emaan. Pray all your salat and try to get closer to your deen. Please don't be offended - this is as much a reminder for me as for you. The Ummah is generally much weaker - because we all love dunya (me included). Please try to put things in perspective.

          I will give you a quote from my beloved mother:
          - "In any hardship you have two choices
          1) Continue weeping/worrying/looking back on something/despairing and give up.
          2) Realise that this is hard, but you must accept this as test, be patient and then you will get reward."

          If its something you can change or help - then do it (e.g. being more proactive looking). But don't be negative and remember that theres no happiness in the disobedience of Allah.
          All of these I myself find useful reminders, so my intention was to share them with you.

          I pray that Allah swt grants you both happiness, deep faith and good, pious spouses.
          Ameen

          Sara
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor
          x

    • haniyya it's not beneficial to laugh at people. I think you are misunderstanding the purpose of this website, which is not a forum for debate or argument, but for advising people sincerely and kindly.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • im not laughing at ppl infact im typing lol doesnt mean im laughing or being psycho at all why u telling me that im debating? which means every single one on here that commented is debating because we all have different views some have opinions ..... when i type lol i simply mean NOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! you know some ppl get offended very quickly.... and some ppl just cant stand other ppls comments u know why? coz to them they feel whatever the feel is right sorry bro to tell u but ppl are different .... some follow islam some follow what they feel is right even if its wrong all i simply do on this website that i love so much is give advice in my own way islamically.... and many others too give advice in their own way ....

  32. I thought many times before commenting again because I dunno if my comments are adding any value to the discussion or helping anybody. There's no point in speaking out just for the heck of it, yea. But seeing such intense comments flowing in my inbox, I couldn't help but share my 10 cents.

    @Haniya, sister, in many of the dull Islamic schools in my country, they teach the students "Fiqh", but not "Usul-ul-Fiqh". Consequently there is emphasis on rote-like learning of traditional islamic principles not knowing the "why" part of things. That's contrary to how Rasululllah SAW taught the Sahaba before giving them the "ijaza". The result is uni-directionally programmed "scholars" who lack the creativity and intellect and the deep thought process required to extract Hukm Shari'i for new and "Dhanni" issues. You might see many examples of the silly Fatwas which grab the attention of the media wolves waiting for such Fatwas to splash the news around. They will also end up giving a not-so profound ruling on new issues such as "cloning".

    I said all of the above so that we understand how Fiqh is extracted from the sources of Shari'a. Broadly speaking, there are "Qati'i" (definite) issues and there are "Dhanni" (indefinite) issues. For the "Dhanni" issues there can be more than one genuine Hukm Shari'i but this has to be arrived at after an in-depth and comprehensive analysis of the issue at hand and the sources of Shari'a. An example is the breaking of Wudhu by touching a woman. If you study the Fiqh of Imam Shafi and Imam Abu Hanifa you'll appreciate the fact that to back their conclusion, they have done so much analysis of the Daleel and the "Asbab-un-nuzul" (circumstances of evidences) that it would be difficult to say which of the two is more correct. A person qualified to extract Fiqh is called a Mujtahid. Even they are of various degrees like Mujtahid Mutlaq, etc. But the basic requirements are knowledge of Quranic Arabic with all its intricacies and knowledge of the Usul-ul-Fiqh, the sciences of Ahadith, etc. We CANNOT extract Hukm from the subjective English translation of Quran and Ahadith.

    Ukhti, please don't get me wrong I am not trying to belittle you. I honestly didn't want to mention your name at the beginning but did so so people would know which topic I am addressing. I am sorry to say, but your analysis of the Quranic Ayah you quoted is very superficial. It requires a more intellectual effort clubbed with deep knowledge to come to conclusions on Islamic rulings.

    “Whosoever interprets the Quran according to his Ra'i (opinion), let him seek his abode in the fire” [Tirmidhi]

    “Whosoever interprets the Quran according to his Ra'i (opinion), even if he gets it right, he has indeed committed a sin” [Abu Dawud & Tirmidhi]

    So lets be careful on that dear sister. Also, there is no point in getting emotional while enforcing your point. One intellectual statement has more value than a hundred emotional ones. You can give advice, but you cant force one to adopt it by your tone right? Though not easy, you need to put yourself into the shoes of the other person before giving advice. I appreciate your sincerity towards Islam which is evident in your emotions but sister its very easy to ask Khabbab bin Arrat (RA) to have patience when his fat is being burnt in oppression by the Kuffar while we ourselves haven't been tested or experienced how it feels to be in that position, right? You might get back to me harshly but really, it wont take the discussion anywhere. So please Ukhti, lets leave it at that. I am very sorry if I sounded rude as I do not intend to.

    • look ive said all i wanted to say and i was clear if you do not get it well then thats that.... “Whosoever interprets the Quran according to his Ra'i (opinion), let him seek his abode in the fire” [Tirmidhi]

      “Whosoever interprets the Quran according to his Ra'i (opinion), even if he gets it right, he has indeed committed a sin” [Abu Dawud & Tirmidhi] exactly OPINION i did not opiniate i simply typed the words from the quraan and asked a question who is Allah adressing ask any wise person they will tell you Allah is adressing men its not an opinion do you know whats an opinion? an opinion is "WHAT I FEEL IS RIGHT AND WRONG ACCORDING TO ME" i typed down the verses was it my words or ALLAH'S? sorry brother your dull logic dont make sense.

  33. Addressed to Sisters- @Sarah and @Precious Star.

    The Spiritual standpoint has been shared alright, but it's sad why we ain't stressing much on the practical solution which is also within the bounds of Islam. You know its funny but its similar to asking someone to have patience for being hungry while not providing ways to acquire food, as though having Halaal food is Haraam. "Oh you don't have food to eat? I am so sorry, have patience, etc." I mean why would you want them to not eat and have patience? Rather you must ask them to strive to fulfill their hunger while having patience. Satisfying hunger is a right in Islam and so is the need to have a partner. Allah himself has created the procreation instinct in humans and has shown an institution to satisfy it.

    Again, not directing this to anybody so please do not take this personally, all. To a question which is "I am not finding employment to earn and fulfill my hunger, what do I do?", the answer by default is not, "have patience". Earning to make a living is Fard. Having patience and fulfilling our Fard ain are complementary, not mutually exclusive. We have Sabr and Shukr in every step of our life.

    Coming to the question which is the topic of the post. The practical solution that I can think of, which others have stated already and I have indirectly mentioned by saying "broaden your search", is Relocation. Sisters, Marriage is the Sunnah alright but a Sunnah is not always just a "recommended" act. It ranges from Haraam (Prophet pbuh could marry more than 4, not us) to Fard (the method of praying). The more correct word for "recommended" actions is "Mandub". As regards marriage, though it is a Sunnah in the technical sense, the scholars contend (with Daleel of course) that it varies from "Mandub" (recommended) to "Fard" (Obligatory) depending upon the situation of the person. Given your situation I reckon it becomes Fard for you to seek a partner to marry. So to do so, and not being able to find a righteous Muslim in your locality, I reiterate that you need to look elsewhere. 1.6 Billion Muslims just officially and how can we not find someone? Sisters, lets understand that righteous people will always exist as stated by an Ahadith. Else, Qiyamah should've come. So please look broader. A brother in our Da'wah group has native Singaporean as his wife and that is one of the happiest couples I have ever seen, Tabarakallah. So relocation is not a bad option after all. You need to set your priorities right sister. For a Non-Muslim, her desires and ambitions set her priorities while for a Muslim, Islam sets it. Marriage in your case would be Fard, or at least Mandub. While career is just "Mubah" (permissible) for a woman in Islam. I am sorry if I am making wrong assumptions about your situation. This is a general advice.

    And don't worry about your age. I already told you, the men you've seen who prefer young women only are not the only men out there. I told you the stories of my community to give you hope. And these are not "stories" in the technical sense.

    If that's not convincing enough I'll give a popular example. You must've heard of Sister Aminah Assilmi (May Allah grant her Jannah), the famous Daeea? She married twice after Islam. Once when she was around 50. Though the doctor told her it was impossible to conceive, she did conceive a baby boy at that age! Alhamdulillah.

    The community might say a hundred things. But there are brothers who understand that Islam takes precedence over all. A righteous older Muslim woman is better than a young, not-so-righteous Muslim girl. So what if the Un-Islamic Muslim community says "Oh, his wife is ten years older to him!" with all the 'Ooohs' & 'Aaahs', we shouldn't care! Would they dare say that to Rasululllah SAW?? Its just about getting your concepts right. Do not cease trying sister. Do not blame it on Qada as some would suggest. The concept of Qada is one of the most widely misunderstood, thanks to the wily Greek philosophers who confused the early Muslim "intellectuals" (some of them) who in turn confused the masses leading to the start of the intellectual decline of the Ummah. Of course results are in Allah's hands but efforts are in your hands and you would be accountable for that. Rizq is fixed by Allah but you would be questioned on whether you worked for it or not as it was Fard (for a man).

    You might distrust genuine Islamic matrimonial sites because you never know who the person at the other end is. Fair enough. But you could be creative and vet the prospective groom by asking him to get a letter from any Islamic organization he is linked with and also to provide references whom you can meet in person with your Mahram, both male and female, old and young. You could send a letter to the company where he works as well for confirmation of his post. You could try many such foolproof methods to be doubly sure of the person's credibility and claims.

    Hope that helps. Praying to Allah that he makes our backs stronger to carry our Islamic responsibilities till the end without leaving hold of the rope of his Deen. Aameen.

  34. @Faith- To cure your curiosity, I am from the Indian subcontinent. The city of Bangalore to be precise. The two sisters have indicated they are from the West (States) which is also quite evident. I would also like to clarify that when I spoke about the disproportion of religious Muslim men and religious Muslim women locally, I wasn't speaking for the larger community around me. I was only speaking out of my experience of several years. I can be wrong.

  35. I wanted to respond to Stranger's comment after my long post from March 20th. In 2009 I was preparing to emigrate to a Muslim country and work for 2 years. I thought perhaps while working I could find someone to marry. However, the reason I decided not to move is because my father is in his 80s and quite ill, and after my mother passed away in 2007 it has been hard for him to take care of things at home. Therefore, I am still here working part time, going to school to change my career to one that I think will make Allah happy, and take care of my father. Does Allah not want us to take care of our parents? There is no one else to take care of him. It is not a sacrifice for me to be here and take care of him. I guess the only sacrifice, if you will, is that I cannot be as proactive as I would like in terms of finding a marriage partner by moving. I would relocate if I found a good man to marry and if he was settled somewhere else; my father would want that too.

    Responding to Syed MF, I have found your posts to be very interesting and enlightening. So please do not take this as arguing. I think it is great that you and many other Muslim men out there would rather prefer a 50 year pious Muslim woman than a "not-so-rightous Muslim girl." However, I will guarantee you that around where I live, 9 out of 10 would prefer the younger woman thinking that he could shape her to be more pious and for the fertility aspect. (Yes, I read your answer regarding the miracle conception, but that would not be a selling point for Muslim men.) Also, I wonder how many Muslim boys' parents would not go for the younger woman. I don't know...I'm just wondering.

    • I think overall immigration is not the answer. As a single woman, I have to take care of my own financial needs. The only security I have is my job, which I have worked very hard to obtain and Al-Hamdolillah it gives me a good income. To move to another locality would mean giving up the only security I have and starting fresh. Going to a place with absolutely no social or family ties, and no job, and starting from square one, is NOT conducive to a successful search for a marriage partner. And to top it all off I too have elderly parents whom I cannot leave at this stage.

      Ironically, 12 years ago when I was starting my career, i wanted to find a job in another much larger city, for precisely the reasons mentioned by others. However, at that time, I was told by my elders that it would not be proper, that I would be too isolated, that my parents needed me, etc etc. So i did what I was told and stayed put!

  36. Precious Star,
    I had tears in my eyes when read your post because I so closely feel your pain. It is human to feel some regret. In a similar vein, I was telling my father that I have been feeling a little conflicted because last month I have had exposure to non-Muslim men in my classes and work who have been so kind to me, respecting my religion, walking me to my car in the snow and cleaning it for me while I wait inside my car. Even though I am always clear about my intentions that I am determined not to have a relationship with these men, they are sooooo respectful to me. I can honestly say that I have not been with any Muslim man who has done (or has the consideration) to do things like that. (I am not saying that Muslim men like that do not exist; I just have not come into contact with them.) I am talking about Muslim men I was getting to know for marriage. I was telling my father that I am conflicted because, like you say, these men are sooo respectful to me, think I am smart and beautiful, do not care that I am older, and tell me that I am truly special in a respectful way. The men I have been meeting in school also appreciate the fact that I hold on to my chastity, not that I give out details but they know that I am not that kind of girl. I know that with a few of them if I were to show interest in getting to know them and marriage, they would treat me so well. I keep praying to Allah to send a good Muslim man my way so I can love and appreciate him and not be tempted. I must say though, because of my regular praying and duas, even though I feel conflicted, I am not so tempted as to settle down with a non-Muslim man.

    Nonetheless, I digress. Precious Star, I have been praying for you for the past three months. I hope you find some inner peace in this regard. I am learning to accept things more, but it is not easy. I struggle with acceptance in this regard. I often pray to Allah that if I will not have a partner in this life, please minimize my want of wanting a partner and family so that I can accept my reality more easily and not sin. I guess it's a coping tool.

    I know that we should not look at what others have, but I often see married women around my age who are not happy in their marriage because their husbands are not making enough money or they complain at the littlest thing or they are so demanding. I often think that I am pretty easy-going and I would make a good and devoted wife. I may not be the best at cleaning and cooking, but I like to cook and keep a good home and welcome guests with open arms. Yet my strengths as a good potential wife are being wasted. Oh well...

    Anyway, Precious Star, I think of you often in a good way, and like I said, I hope you find peace with this reality.

    • Hmm. Perhaps, Sarah, you are my kindred spirit. I wish there was a way I could contact you directly so we can swap notes! Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much, especially after the emotional weekend I have had. I put it bluntly to my mother yesterday: "Mom, I have regrets. I could have been married by now." I was crying and emotional. And you know, my mom is so heartbroken for me that she agreed.

      But I think what is driving my emotions right now (because I thought I was getting better and was becoming more accepting of what has happened, but clearly I am regressing) is the knowledge that when I separated from this man 8 months ago, I thought with prayer Allah SWT would bring us back to each other. I missed him enormously. When I contacted him again 4 months ago, he had met someone and he was happy with her. So here I am, to this day, breathing every breathe with pain and hurt that does not go away, and for the last 8 months begging God for solace and peace, while that man that i loved so much is happy. He has love and joy in his life, without me. He could not come back to me because "we" were too complicated, but in return he found love again so fast, without me. And I, not only have I not found love again, but the solace that I so desperately wanted from God and prayed for still eludes me! That man is happy, and I am hurting and in pain and grieving and so alone and broken. How does that make sense? He's not a bad man; he's nice and very good to his mother, and would not hurt a fly, but the fact is he did not have to pray to Allah to have happiness and love return to his life. For all I know he is engaged to her by now. Whereas I have been praying my heart out and my pain persists. I remember shorly after we broke up, Ramadan started, and during Ramadan I prayed so much that Allah either bring us together in a halal way or that Allah bring peace and comfort to me, that He forgives me, that He show me mercy and make the separation easy on me, and that He bring me someone else with whom I can have a family. 8 months later I am in the same condition, whereas the man I loved has obtained what I wanted for myself.

      So, for the first time in my life, dua has become a mystery to me. I keep making dua, like you. I keep making dua and deep down believe that perhaps it really is a magic wand, and maybe Allah will give me what I want.

      Thanks for listening Sarah. You seem like a nice, sweet, intelligent girl. I hope Insha'Allah everything works out for you. And you never know...maybe one of your classmates knows another muslim that you will cross paths with in a proper manner? School is a good opportunity and venue to meet new people.

    • I just want to make one comment to Sister Sarah and Precious Star, you state non-muslim men have shown you great respect and kindness by walking to your car and other things, but muslim men are showing you an even greater respect by not approaching you and having any form of contact with you. You praise the non-muslims for something which is haraam.

      I as a Muslim man have no business communicating with non-mahram women and I don't the same applies to many muslim men, so could you please stop bashing Muslim men as if they are the devil's right hand men. Muslim men who do not speak to you or approach you are doing their duty as a Muslim.

      Most Muslim men, will allow their families to make decisions about their future for them, take me for example, my mother chose my wife. Praise be to Allah there are Muslim men out there who do not speak to Muslim women or any women for that matter, praise be to Allah.

      • @ brother John Fisher, I love you man! for the sake of Allah. You've hit the nail in the head. I couldn't agree more. We ain't supposed to socialize with women.

        No matter how good the non-Muslim men might look in character, you just CANT compare them with the Muslims (men or women). In my friend's college there was this, well, yet another "cool-dudette" Muslim girl madly in love with a non-Muslim (I have many stories to tell, haven't I? will make a good grandpa i suppose, lol!). The non-Muslim guy was decent, smart and all you would want in terms of character. After a few wild.. uh.. you know what.. stuff, he dumped her! the girl cut her veins. Subhanallah! Where did that wussy guy and his "love" disappear? Lets realize people, no matter how good the non-Muslims are, they don't have Islamic morals to guide them. What guides them is only benefit. A Muslim will save a dying man in a desert without expecting him to get up and reward him with a 1000 $ bill, just for the pleasure of Allah.

        Even the worst Muslim as long as he has Eemaan is better than the best Non-Muslim, in that, he has not betrayed Allah by denying His existence. Sister Precious Star, your case is not uncommon actually. That kind of test is quite common everywhere. I myself had a beautiful, smart, noble but non-Muslim girlfriend for four years (telling this since you guys dont know me, else its not right to talk about your sins openly). If you could imagine, she was someone the whole college would die for. And we were so much in love that we forgot our responsibilities towards our respective families and wanted to go & settle abroad. She used to cook food for me while we bunked classes to spend time together, where she would feed me and tell me of her dreams of setting up a family somewhere far off. She dint care for the fact that I was a Muslim (though name-sake). You wont believe but when I used to go for Jum'a Salah (Jum'a I used to pray) she would wait for me outside the Masjid. Spent four years this way transgressing Allah's limits. And then came the Hidaya of Allah. Ya Allah, take away all the bounties from me if you want but dont take away this fresh Eemaan you've blessed me with!! (tears in eyes). Yes it was difficult. Very, very difficult. It took me about two years to convince her (and myself internally) that it was ALL OVER! I spent countless sleepless nights finding it hard to imagine her in another one's arms when she would ultimately marry a Kafir. Hard to ignore her messages with tear smileys. Hard to cut her calls; to ignore her emotional emails. Her reminding me of the promises we made to each other. But I had to, with a heavy heart, do it for the sake of my Eemaan. Yea I tried doing Da'wah to her but to no avail. Apart from her I had countless other female friends whom I had to remove from my contact list. But now, Alhamdulillah, Allah has really helped me come over it once and for all. I look forward to a new life of liberation from the shackles of my desires. love is also not lost forever for Allah does recognize our needs and grants us an alternative.

        But efforts surely have to be from our side. And I still face many tests and tribulations which is an ongoing process. So you're not alone in such tests, sister. We've to work to change our situation ourselves WHILE making dua. Abu Bakr (RA) when he was the Khalifah, he used to prepare for war with such intensity as though he never expected Allah's help and everything depended on the material preparation. On the other hand, he used to cry and make dua with such intensity as though he hasn't made any preparation at all and everything depended on Allah's help! Alhamdulillah! Thats called striking a balance and not getting bogged down by people's defeatist mentality when they ask you to just "accept your fate".

        I would now prefer marrying my Muslim maid to marrying my beautiful, intelligent, and loyal ex.

        "Do not marry unbelieving women until they believe. A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you.... Unbelievers beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the garden of bliss and forgiveness. And He makes His signs clear to mankind, that they may receive admonition" (Qur'an 2:221).

        "Nor marry your girls to unbelievers until they believe. A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever...." (Qur'an 2:221)

        'nuff said.

      • Thanks John Fisher for standing up for Muslim brothers. In this age of feminism, bashing brothers has become a norm :(

        I will point out couple of statements from the above post of Precious Star, although I do not know if that will change anything about the certain view she holds.

        He's not a bad man; he's nice and very good to his mother, and would not hurt a fly, but the fact is he did not have to pray to Allah to have happiness and love return to his life.

        Didn't Allah give the disbelievers everything in this duniya? Do they have anything left for akhirah? There is one hadith in which the Messenger of Allah said,

        "If this world had the value of even the wing of a mosquito to Allah, He would not have given any nonbeliever (kaafir) even a drink of water."

        Shouldn't it cause discomfort in the heart of any sane person if he or she gets everything from Allah despite not asking anything from Him and despite being defiantly denying Him, and being ungrateful to Him?

        And that non-Muslim guy may have been king towards you, but just remember that Allah is zillion times more kind towards you His slaves, and He loves you more that your mother does.

  37. Salaams & Jazakallahi khair for appreciating my inputs. I recall an incident which a brother was telling me. There was this "pious" muslim brother who was trapped by a Kufr fanatic organization through a beautiful girl into being accused of something they termed "love jihad". Seemingly, this pious brother was approached by this girl wanting to learn Islam. He agreed "for the sake of Allah". She called him to her apartment and he went. Noone inside, just the two of them and... trapped. Now throughout the story the narrating brother maintained that this was a "pious brother" (without the quotes). I asked him, why do you keep adding the prefix "pious"? He said, "No akhi, he certainly was pious. He was trapped by those cunning guys." I was like, whoa! pious? Just because he has a long beard and prays 5 times salah? Dint this "pious" brother know that you ain't supposed to be alone with a na-mehram in an enclosed space? Whether he's doing Da'wah or teaching her Java, he just CANT be!

    I mentioned that incident to reinforce the same point as before. Amongst the 1.6 billion Muslims don't you think there are truly pious Muslims who understand Islam comprehensively? Of course sis, I understand what it means to be pious. It involves following EVERY aspect of Islam. Comprehensive. That includes taking care of parents. Now in Islam, women aren't liable to earn. Then who should take care of the parents when they are old (Allah gives a general command to take care of old parents) of a woman who has no brothers? Well, the women. But how will she when she is not liable to earn? Of course through her hubby. So how can a Muslim be pious when he acts selfish and asks his wife to forsake her relations? He even should be caring for other dependents of her like younger siblings if she has any.

    I do understand these issues and am not averse to them. So I do bear in mind all the above when I tell you that there are religious men alive out there. I had told you about a brother who married a native S'porean, who is one of my closest brothers and whom I love much for the sake of Allah. His wife doesn't go to work to earn but from what I have seen she is out of the house more than this brother, doing Da'wah. You see, she is required to do so because its harder here to convince Muslim girls about Islam than Muslim guys. But how does she manage to be on the move all day doing Da'wah with her two little naughty kids? She doesn't have to worry about that because the brother takes them with him wherever he goes. Most of the times when it his turn to speak in the Masjid, you will find one of his kids sleeping on his lap while he's delivering the lecture! and the other kid on an another brother's lap :P. He's just one of the many brothers of the same quality in our group. Just a trivia- It is the same brother who though born a Muslim, denied god and was in a live-in relationship with a white girl when he was in Germany for many years!

    Phew! boy, have I spoken too much?? I seem like a marriage consultant. hehe. Anyways, I dont know why you have such bad impression about the quality of the brothers. Its a big wide world. You should surely find someone who can take care of you AND your dependents wholeheartedly for the sake of Allah. I cant stress more on that. Yet another option if you're unmoved on your decision to stay put is to marry someone who's already married as you said people like this are rare or TAKEN.

    In any case, I am sorry to say without sounding argumentative again that there is little to complain if we aren't ready to compromise on one thing like career, love of the land, etc, to gain another bounty. May Allah ease your efforts and give you the best of both the worlds.

    Wassalaam.

  38. In any case, I am sorry to say without sounding argumentative again that there is little to complain if we aren't ready to compromise on one thing like career, love of the land, etc, to gain another bounty. May Allah ease your efforts and give you the best of both the worlds.

    Perfectly put.

  39. Gentlemen,

    I am sorry you are viewing this entire dialogue as a "contest" of sorts and feel the need to "stand up" for muslim men.

    I have viewed it as a forum within which I can discuss my problems and hear constructive advice from fellow muslims.

    I am sorry you have viewed it as male bashing. As women, we are telling others about the obstacles we have faced in finding a spouse. If those obstacles offend you in some way, then I'm sorry that is too bad. I don't think any of us have been disrespectful on this forum, only honest. We haven't peppered our comments with snide remarks in the same way you have made snide remarks about feminism. But Stranger and John Fisher, i think you should read the comment just posted by your brother SyedMF about his 4-year relationship with a girl outside of marriage, which left that girl in tears. (SyedMF: i for one am not judging you, that is for God alone). Furthermore, take a good hard look at some of the stories posted on this website. There are many, many young muslim girls who have "slit their wrists" due to treatment received by their muslim male suitors. Look up the story with the title "Nobody likes me", the poor girl who is rejected by muslim men because of her looks.

    So please, lets not engage in a debate about which gender is the better muslim.

    • Of course I feel the need to stand up for Muslim men, because I for one am sick and tired of hearing "there are none or they are already married". I have many friends who did not even speak to a female lecturer at University here in the UK, that's how decent and strong their faith was.

      You've also not replied to the original statement I made, which was, what is better the Non-believers doing a haraam thing like speaking to Muslim women and "being respectful to them by helping them" or Muslim men who avoid contact with non-mahram females.

      • I have not replied to you because frankly I think you are rude, and furthermore your comments are not helpful to the discussion at hand. I am sorry you are "sick and tired" about hearing of these issues but with all due respect, i think the solution is for you to simply stop reading about them, and you will no longer be sick and tired.

        And btw, a man speaking to a woman and a woman speaking to a man is not haraam. The key is to observe Islamic boundaries.

    • I agree with you 100% about not debating whether men or women are better Muslims. I absolutely do not want to see any "male vs. female" debates on this website. It is not productive, not helpful, and only reveals inner biases. Instead let us reply to each person individually, with kindness and compassion, according to that person's circumstances.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Man, its taking an ugly turn. Battle of the sexes is anti-Islam. No one is superior to another except by Taqwa (Read: The prophet's (pbuh) last sermon).

      Sister Precious Star, I didn't understand your comment on my leaving my girlfriend of four years in tears. I am sure it wasn't meant to be sarcastic but do you have any other option in mind from Islam? If emotions should reign supreme then how come she was ready to forsake her parents for me? I already said I tried doing Da'wah but she was totally put off by that and was insisting we marry while maintaining our respective faiths.

      And though I truly respect Br Stranger's sincerity and views, I do not subscribe to his one view that feminism had an effect on any of the Sisters on the forum. Feminism is as Haraam as is Male Chauvinism and I do not think anyone of us is affected by either of these.

      Lets not give SHAITAAN a chance to cause unreasonable dissent amongst us and divide us on the basis of sex, race, nationality, etc as he has done over the centuries relentlessly. Battle of the sexes is a Kufr concept and from Jahiliyya.

      • SyedMF,

        Feminism is not sinister. Do you know what feminism means, and what is its foundation? It is that women have the right to make choices, and that they are entitled to equality in terms of treatment in the political, social and familial spheres. It is feminism that allowed women to vote, to have equal rights on divorce, to stand up for themselves if they are being physically/mentally/sexually abused, to be paid the same wages as men, etc.

        There is nothing about feminism that is haraam.

        Male chauvinism, on the other hand, is premised on the notion that men are the better sex. THAT, my dear brother, is haraam.

        • There is nothing about feminism that is haraam.

          Feminism says both brothers ans sisters should get equal share from their father's property. Islam says that a brother will get twice the amount a sister gets.

          Feminism gives a woman the right to dump her husband whenever she wants. Islam on the other hand primarily gives the right to divorce to husbands only. The women have been granted back door exit only; and that too can only be applied through consultation with an imam or a qadhi.

          According to feminism, there are no leader in a family. According to Islam, husbands are the leaders of the family.

          According to feminism, virgin daughter needs no permission from a guardian to give herself in a marriage. In Islam, a virgin daughter can't give herself into a marriage without the permission of her guardian.

          Feminism does not hold the opinion that men are primarily the providers and women are the homemakers. Islam contrarily clearly says that men are primarily providers and women are homemakers.

          Feminism advocates that both men and women can be leaders while Islam says the only men can be leaders, especially when it comes to religious and political leaders.

          Feminism says the women do not need to cover; while Islam says that women need to cover all her body except her face, hands and feet.

          • When I say religious leader, I meant an imam who leads prayer.

          • Br Stranger: *hug* :) By "Stranger" I guess you mean the Ghurabaa to whom Allah has promised glad tidings? Anyways, about feminism, that's what even I understood. Beautifully put. Equality needs to be understood in the Islamic context. You do not require pseudo-secular movements such as feminism to give Muslim women their rights. For instance while the Muslim women could own property in their own name centuries before, Western women could do it only now. Hey, I'm getting drawn into this fruitless debate which I should be having with the non-Muslims instead!

            Digressing, Sr Precious Star, I am still curious to know what alternative you have in mind FROM ISLAM when you (apparently) sneeringly addressed the issue of my leaving my ex in tears by referring to it as " the comment from 'your brother' ". You may choose not to reply if that will end the mindless dispute.

            Jazakallahi Khair all.

          • You are not getting it.

            Feminism is a philosophical attitude that yes may have political connotations but that is because women have had to fight for their rights - even in muslim countries.

            In the spirit of that philosophy, what Islam advocates in respect of gender roles is NOT contadictory to feminism.

            I'm not going to address each and every point you make because i will be here forever. But for starters, "Feminism says both brothers ans sisters should get equal share from their father's property. Islam says that a brother will get twice the amount a sister gets." You are incorrect. In Islam, a brother gets twice as much if the parents' assets are not disposed of prior to death; during a father's lifetime, he can give ALL of his assets to his daughters if he wants - its whats left over at death that is distributed according to the testimentary rules set out in the Quran. And the reason for that, is that the brother can take care of the needs of his sisters, wife, daughters, mother, etc -- almost as though he is holding it in trust for those who are dependant on him.

            Feminism does not give a woman the right to "dump her husband" whenever she wants. Islam gives men and women equal rights on divorce, and ensures that men cannot unilaterally divorce their wives without ensuring that she is well provided for even after the divorce. Read sura Talak. Again, as in the above, the purpose is to ensure that there is balance between the genders and to ensure that the male gender does not profit or abuse his position. Hence, equality.

            Women are not allowed to lead prayers. That is because Allah does not want us to be subjected to men looking at our behinds while praying -- that is the cold hard reality. 200 men praying behind a woman -- don't tell me none of them will look? Feminism stands for the proposition that we should be respected regardless of our physical appearance and that not every interaction with a man should have sexual innuendo. This is completely consistent with the islamic rule that women cannot lead prayers.

            I could go on, but you have essentially proved my point. All of the points you raised about Islam are intended to level the playing field between men and women so that women are not subjugated, disrespected or placed in undue poverty.

          • I seek refuge in Allah from arguing too much about our deen. Indeed, the time has arrived when we the ummah talk more and do less. Whatever knowledge we have acquired about Islam, may Allah help us put that into action. If we have translated our knowledge into action, then may He bless us to attain consistency in our action.

  40. I am not trying to be argumentative. Facts are facts, and it gives me great solace to have support in this matter. John Fisher, I admire the fact that you didn't socialize with girls. I don't see that with so many of the Muslim men where I live. I'm not being sarcastic when I say this, but it is great that your mother found your wife. I don't have a mother right now, and as I mentioned, the relatives who introduced prospective Muslim suitors drank, didn't pray regularly, etc. I am not exaggerating.

    I was engaged once upon a time to a Muslim man who grew up in the West. We did not engage in physical activity but would go out to eat in pubic places to get to know each other. I repeat...not once were there the niceties that non-Muslim men have offered me. I'm not saying that all Muslim men are like that. There is definitely a difference between the way Muslim men appreciate us and non-Muslim men (the good ones), and I'll leave it at that.

    I am not male-bashing, but facts are facts: there are not enough good Muslim men of good character for nice Muslim girls, especially after they are 30.

    Regarding Stranger's comments about not complaining if we are not willing to leave. I didn't see anything in that post regarding leaving our ailing parents behind. I'm not trying to be argumentative either; I'm just trying to make sense of things.

    After reading all this, I feel like what's the use...Muslim women end up being the fall guy anyway. That's why I just pray and usually don't say anything anymore.

    Precious Star, I'd love to give you my email address, but I'm not sure if we're allowed to in this forum. Also, at this point I feel like I'm going to get blasted with scathing emails. But I would love to communicate with you. I can relate to so much of what you are saying.

    • I will send your email address to Precious Star Insha'Allah, and she can reply if she chooses.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Hey that's great Br Wael, may Allah reward you for bringing two like-minded Muslims together. At least they can share things personally without being forced to go public. On the same note, can I ask you for a favor for me too of passing my email to Brother "heartthrob" and brother "brokenhearted"? Jazakallahi khair.

    • @ Sr Sarah: To your comment on Br Stranger not including anything regarding leaving behind parents in his post- Br Stranger was only commenting on my point by quoting the last sentence from one of my posts above in which I had already addressed the issue of ailing parents if you missed it. He wasn't commenting on you.

  41. In regards to John Fisher's comments, what is better the Non-believers doing a haraam thing like speaking to Muslim women and "being respectful to them by helping them" or Muslim men who avoid contact with non-mahram females, it would be better to be with Muslim men who avoid contact with non-mahram females if only most of those Muslim men wouldn't go and mix so freely with non-Muslim women. So many of them mix with non-Muslim women and then go to the Masjid or a community event and act so pious by not engaging with Muslim women. Like I said, that would be better if the Muslim men did not display hypocritic behaviour and mix so freely with non-Muslim women. I'm sorry; I'm not trying to argue but point out something that exists a lot in the U.S. "Hypoctitic" is a very strong and negative word, but I feel that those types of actions and mixing are hypocritical.

    • Assalaamu alaikum sis Sarah, precious star and brother john fisher.
      "It would be better to be with Muslim men who avoid contact with non-mahram females if only most of those Muslim men wouldn't go and mix so freely with non-Muslim women." - I agree 100% with this comment - Astaghfirullah - we see it so much - with brothers AND sisters.

      Also just because someone has deen doesnt make them automatically compatible with you, but deen is a MUST- dont compromise

      What I wanted to add was that I have come across/heard about many sisters saying there are not enough nice brothers, many brothers saying there are not enough nice sisters, and many sisters/brothers knowing a number of bros/sisters that are nice 'potential spouse' material (tongue twister.)

      Meaning: Everyone has different experiences and sees different angles, good and bad people &; Muslims are present, maybe not evenly distributed, but present. So maybe you should just agree to disagree on this one.

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  42. i agree with sister sara and bro fisher.... being negative doesnt help it just increases the negativity.... there are good men out there just as there are good women out there doesnt mean if they dont come your way they dont exist.... your just bad luck :)

  43. By the way, has anybody realized that in the intense discussion on solutions to older unmarried sisters we've completely forgotten the younger sister's issue who posted the thread in the first place? Lol! :) Just kidding, of course both issues equally merit address.

  44. Okay SyedMF, since you want a response I will give you one. I did not want to initially since I am not in favour of criticizing and judging others, but here it goes.

    Yes, you did the right thing by ending the relationship when she wouldn't accept islam. Big pat on the back to you.

    But you were in a haraam relationship for 4 years. You were a big boy - you were in college so (1) you were an adult and (2) you were intelligent. For those 4 years you cooked and played house together. In the end, you decided to separate. You can't play with a woman's heart that way. I am assuming that you were born a muslim, and you had muslim parents. When you met that girl, you had a choice: see if she would accept Islam, or, continue with the relationship and then put your mind to it 4 yrs later. You chose the latter. You should have chosen the first option. Not just out of respect for Islam and God, but out of respect for that girl. Women have vulnerable hearts and they love totally and completely. We don't deserve to have our hearts broken. You should never have put her through that.

    I can tell you this about myself. I was 39 when I met the man I loved. At that age, I was desperate. The muslim community had disappointed me. I had spent years playing by the good muslim girl rules, and still my family and community did not help me. But I had no intention or desire to breach those rules at age 39. This man was NICE and kind and respectful. His father was muslim, he was partly raised by muslim grandparents, and he had a muslim name. He liked my Islamic values. I thought it would work out. I thought I would not have a problem. He wasn't a "typical" non-muslim Caucasian guy. We never played house the way you did with your girlfriend. And I was very cognizant of my Islamic values throughout our time together and as soon as I realized that he was not capable of converting to Islam, i separated from him -- not 4 years later, but 3 months later.

    I don't really care what you do, as its none of my business and its nice to see that you have changed. And i'm sorry i'm sounding harsh, but in light of the harsh comments directed by male commentators to female commentators on this thread, in regards to our problems, I think that your story is very hypocritical. There may have been some nice muslim girls in your college - you could have gotten to know them in a halal way; maybe one of them would be your wife now and instead one of those girls has remained unmarried. Instead you chose the bombshell that was to die for. Read Sister Sarah's story again about how she has had such a difficult time finding a good muslim boy.

    I always find it interesting that when it comes to male transgressions, your brothers remain silent on this site (other than Wael). But when it comes to transgressions of the sisters -- regardless of how minor - and sisters' problems , the brothers pull out their (virtual) microphones to condemn us.

    So you have your response SyedMF. Can we please put this thread to rest?

    • Yes we can, with a final post from my side:

      First of all, Jazakallahi khair. I can certainly do with some reminders. I was asking for a reply not in a challenging tone as if I'm holding your neck and asking- "Tell me, tell me, did I do anything wrong?!! huh?! No right! so hurry up and pat me on my back!!", but out of curiosity to know if I really missed a trick. If you observe closely, I added "apparently" in brackets when calling your comment sneering as it was seeming so and I wasn't sure if it wasn't meant to be so.

      Secondly, I have NO interest in proving myself right or defending myself. I had sincerely decided not to respond at all but then I thought, it shouldn't look like all the points I shared would seem "hypocritical" as you think at least one of my stories is. Because if it did, then the points would hold no value and my intention (which Allah knows best) wouldn't be achieved.

      For a person who would open the website and go straight to your comment, it would somehow seem like a conspiracy wherein I was born Muslim "by choice" in a family of scholars and pious Muslims, with no weaknesses and a Strong Eemaan- from day one, and from that very day I had made up my mind to attract a non-Muslim girl, create love in her heart for like four years and then dump her, leaving her in tears and all just to gain sadistic pleasure out of it. Or yet another version could be- a fickle-minded me just toyed around with the feelings of a girl just to see if she was a good fit and then discarded her like scum. Hmmm, even the hardcore male chauvinists would condemn such a graphical image. The same chauvinists would ALSO condemn the inevitable graphical image of her leaving her parents in tears who had more rights to her than she had on me, had we gone away. If it was all about not breaking someone's heart just as a human rather than as a Muslim (as you rightly pointed out I was just a human then and not a practicing Muslim), then this point shouldn't have been conveniently ignored. Sure, it could have slipped your mind with no sarcasm meant really.

      Sister, many of the Sahabas did worse things before they came to Islam but nobody pinned them down on that while arguing, after they came to Islam. My transformation from a "Muslim by chance" to a "Muslim by choice" is more or less comparable to a Non-Muslim coming to Islam "by choice" having done many sins before. I need to be corrected on any wrong I would be doing now instead of pointlessly picking on my past which I myself detest already. So the culturing should focus on what can be done AFTER you've gained Hidayah and not what you SHOULD have done BEFORE you gained Hidaya. If I was still that way then by all means criticize it. My elder sisters unfortunately did not do that then despite knowing my misdeeds and maybe if you or someone like Br Stranger were in their place I would've benefited.

      Anyways, i also felt, though I don't mind (like i said, its still a good reminder), the cold attitude was uncalled for because this is what Shaitaan wants- For us to disunite and scorn at each other. Whether it be on the basisa of sex, race or nationalism. I never attacked you or any sister for speaking out the facts about non-practicing brothers in your place that you felt were relevant for the discussion. I also did not show prejudice against non-practicing sisters alone (Read: the "pious" brother story in one of my posts). Then where did all of this sexist argument start??? If I have contributed anything to add fuel to the dispute consciously or sub-consciously, I apologize and seek forgiveness from Allah.

      Also, I shared that story of mine for a purpose. If you observe that was not how I started off my comments' streak. Moreover, I did not give you the full story which had the potential to change opinions (such as, I could've sought a Muslim girl instead) drastically, but felt it was unnecessary

      Again, I am not making this post to gain any brownie points. Ah! what worth is seeking attention; what good (or bad) can mortals do to another. It is for the fact that I wanted to try to contribute something to change the state of all who have expressed their distress on the site, especially those who are losing hope and giving in to the defeatist mentality that's being forced upon them, by giving them hope and some practical inputs from my limited knowledge and experience.
      "None of you is a believer until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself." (Sahih Muslim)

      I still respect all the sisters including yourself and Sr Haniyya as much as I respect the brothers just for the fact that we are all Muslims and brothers and sisters of one another as declared by the Prophet (pbuh) and for the fact that despite the disagreements, we were discussing on what is "Halal and Haram" rather than what is "good or bad according to our opinion", which is a sign of our Eemaan. Alhamdulillah.

      You or others might still want to say something in retort. Well, go ahead if you feel its appropriate but i wont respond to it. So you can say all you want without expecting a wisecrack from me :P

      I would say lets save the harshness for the insincere Kuffar who plot against and malign Islam and oppress the Ummah, and do something about it instead.

      “Allaah will bring a people whom He will love, and they will love Him; soft, humble and gentle with the Believers, stern towards the unbelievers, fighting in the path of Allaah, and never afraid of the blame of the blamers. That is the Grace of Allaah which He bestows upon whosoever He Wills.... ” [TMQ, al-Maa'idah].

      • I have been reading this thread and im really surprised at some of the things being said. Sister precious star i think what is getting to you is that muslim guys around u havent been what you expected them to be( going out, drinking etc) and obv u feel if they were more islamic then more unmarried sisters would be settled by now. I understand your point, but your generalising too much. Not all muslim males are like that, where i live theres a mixture of attitudes. Secondly these days girls are just as bad and brothers are finding it just as difficult. This is all part of our test in life as an ummah as well. I understand your hurt n pain and its very diffucult for u. You kept urself right and marriage hasnt come ur way.
        Syedmf i do wish ppl would think b4 starting relationships and hurting ppl they dont no if they hav a future with, but ultimately u did the right thing in the end. It must have been hard for u and i dont believe all men are hypocritical and cold.
        Finally men and women reading this, no one is above the other, everyone makes mistakes and its better to be non judgemental to tackle the problems in our community. Lets remember we all have different backgrounds, upbringings in life.

    • Sister precious star,
      I've been following this thread and reading up everything said..what brother SyedMF has said ...and ur reply to it, frankly put..is a very feminist reply. It looks like a radical feminist has replied it, not a muslimah.

      We understand how you have been hurt by men in the past..I was hurt, I'm a divorcee now and seen how irresponsible muslim men can be and how its next to impossible to find a 'good muslim man' for marriage etc...but...I'm not going to let that turn me into a feminist...Or to see the world and judge it based on the bad experiences I've had.

      When I read syed's post...my reaction was totally different and alhamdulillah it was correct because syeds last comment has clarified and confirmed that.
      It was clearly a case of a Muslim boy...born a muslim but not practising and certainly not someone with high imaan..who had a girlfriend....but then ALLAH swt chose to guide him and he had to end the relationship because it was choosing between that and his Imaan.
      Which one do u think was more important, his faith or not breaking this girls heart?
      I'm a woman..and when i love, i too submit totally and completely etc...but i respect a man more than anything if he does something like what syed has done for the sake of ALLAH.
      To me it was like..his biggest sacrifice for Allah was to give up this relationship...and it feels like you are blaming him for not having done it earlier...well..we might as well blame Allah for giving him hidayah late then?
      Mashallah its better late than never....Umar buried his daughters alive, fornicated with hundreds of women...yet when he came to Islam...when Allah s.w.t guided him...the prophets approach was not that "you should've known better." And if your reply is tha the wasnt a muslim and did all that...well , MUSLIMS came to the prophet and said they had fornicated and committed horrible deeds...what did the prophet say to them seeing that they had repented etc? That they are forgiven..and he gave them hope. There ARE worse sins than breaking a womans heart like murdering..and Allah swt even forgives that if one changes and repents.
      As syed has said..A muslim in todays world who receives hidayah and transforms is not really different to a case of a disbeliever who converts. And alhamdulillah...we should see it as a good thing and not bring back their past to them...

      " You should never have put her through that."

      Being a 'big boy in college,' or ur parents approval or any such things are NOT good enough reasons for any man to leave the temptation of having a girlfriend. The only thing thats good enough is taqwa..

      "maybe one of them would be your wife now and instead one of those girls has remained unmarried."

      Why would any good muslim girl, like urself or sister sarah mashallah, WANT to marry a man who was like the OLD syedMF? He was a different person...he obviously didnt think of 'HALAAL' way of getting to know ppl etc....
      What is the use of telling him, u shud have done this and that. He obviously knows now what he SHOULD have done..which is the halaal options..but he obviously didnt then because he was a 'so called' muslim like many the world is full of.

      Sister, please done become a feminist lol...I know ur hurt, but there ARE good muslim men out there. I too have yet to find one...if i told u my story and what MY chances are of finding a good suitable muslim man that will pass all the checkpoints basically lol...then im basically to remain single and lonely for the rest of my life...

      *sigh*....but twakal-al-Allah....

      Was salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah

  45. Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh!

    I feel that I needed to vent some "unnecessary air" inside my body as anger without any reason is from shaitan (audhubillah!)

    I really feel for the sister who wrote this blog, on behalf of the muslim men that you sisters have met in the past, I just wanted to say on behalf of them and all the muslim men that we are really sorry that we did not heed the prophet's (SAW) saying that we need to be the best to our wives. To the sister who wrote this blog, I just want to say it is also very hard for revert males like us to find quality muslimahs so inshaallah I hope I gave you an inspiration.

    Wassalam

  46. Salaam to all,

    Just read though this long thread and wanted to give my sympathy to Sarah and PreciousStar - and anyone else going through the same.

    It's not easy. I'm a guy in the same boat and I also have siblings facing the same situation. Best practical advice I can suggest from experience is try to involve yourself in muslim community and cultural activities if your city has any, and maybe try online matchmaking sites. Other muslim friends might also be able to recommend people to check out - if you're fortunate enough to have muslim friends, not everyone has even that.

    May we have patience...

  47. Salaam Brother Muslim,

    Thank you for your kind words. Not to sound rude or harsh, but all I can say is been there and done that. Maybe I should try the Muslim online sites again, but at this point I need a break from the disappointment and sadness. I still pray and ask Allah for patience and guidance. As far as my friends go, they are in the same boat.

    I don't know about males going through this as much as females, but even yesterday I met two Muslim women in their 30s who are having difficulty finding someone to marry. I just don't understand if Islam is so pro-family and pro-marriage why it is so difficult. I know some people would say we, in society, are to blame a great deal because we have so many demands nowadays. But even still, some of us women were saying yesterday why is it soooooo difficult? Also, living in a large city we are seeing a lot of Muslim men who are finished with their education but still not getting married or holding out for the best looking woman. (Yes, we've been there in this thread so we don't need to go through all this again...) I have to think that Allah has a very special place in the next life for us nice, good, kind Muslimahs who did not stray, but at the same time, never got to experience intimacy with another person and being a mother.

    • Sarah,

      I know... if I knew of a quick fix I'd certainly share it. I've been looking for long enough to almost say that I'm ok if it never happens and remain basically alone, but I still have a feeling inside that one day it will. It's just too dispiriting a thought to think otherwise, and having someone to share your life with belongs to everyone.

      I guess there would be a role for mosques and other Islamic institutions to facilitate people getting married. Most mosques focus on providing prayer facilities and sometimes supporting local dawah efforts but this would be a real social benefit for local muslims - ideally run by non-judgmental younger people who understand what it's like to be a muslim today, and not someone for whom an Islamic marriage is just matching a man with a woman. Finding someone who shares your approach to Islam is one thing, and finding someone that you could actually fall in love with is another. Both rightly belong to a marriage.

      The best thing I've found is matchmaking/dating sites just because they enable you to get into contact with people that you would unlikely ever otherwise meet - pretty much anywhere in the world. It does require patience as well and potentially sifting through a lot of people who are not right for you. People come and go on these sites a lot.

      Hang in there... this thread is too long for me to find if you mentioned your age somewhere, but if you're 35, somewhere out there is a decent, nice-looking 35-year old muslim guy who's wondering if he'll ever find someone. And if you're 45, somewhere out there is a 45-year old Muslim who's crying himself to sleep because he'll definitely think the train's passed him. It's just a question of finding these people! Now that's a comforting thought already...

      • Subhanallah! so near yet so far! we've got two sisters and two brothers of the same age wanting the same thing. An earnest appeal to the moderators- Kindly link these people. If it works out for them you could possibly get the Sawaab of facilitating a lifetime's happiness of four people! If the rules of the forum are immutable (yes, I read your reply on how solicitation is forbidden) then maybe you could at least direct them towards a sister marriage site of yours where they could sign up and also give them a hint as to how they could recognize each other. And to clarify for those who are already looking at me suspiciously, Wallahi! I do not know any of these people. I am just a concerned brother in Islam. I am poking my nose in between because I know either of the party would be shy to make the first move. But yes, if am making wrong assumptions and either of them is disinterested, then... apologies!! :)

        • SyedMF, that's beyond the scope of this website. This is not a matchmaking website. And I would not put people in touch with each other until I first verify that they are both interested, both have good character, whether the woman has a wali or needs a wali, etc. So you see it starts to become a separate job.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  48. Assalam u Alaikum All,
    I'm 31 years male, never Married because I was getting Religious Knowledge Alhamdulillah I have completed my Alim course and I have also got Undergraduation in English, Arabic and Islamic History, I have been moved now to UK, when I arrived here and spent few months I felt I have to get in relation life time marry, I saw here the story of Sara and I like to propose her here because I. Have no contact of her, I might be wrong to propose her the way like this, but Islamic point of view it's right and the qualities she looking for Alhamdulillah she will find in me, if Allah Pak wishes to get in relation us that would be his mercy on us and bless of him. f Ishe rejects me she has fully right to do it.
    Wassalam
    Farman

    • Farman, I deleted your comment previously because it's against our policy to allow matrimonial advertisements or solicitations for marriage on this website. The reason is that sisters should be able to post their questions and issues here without feeling that someone will use it as an opportunity to approach them.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Wael,

        I sent you an email yesterday.

        I have been emailed directly by someone -- a man -- who has posted on this thread.

        He has told me that my email identification is readily available to all users of this site and that I can be contacted directly.

        Is that correct??? I was under the impression that this was anonymous posting.

        I don't want my email address to be made public. Can you email me privately to tell me how I can avoid this?

        thanks.

        • I looked into it, and it turns out that if someone clicked on the username at the top of the post, they would get an "About the author" page, and there was a contact link on that page to email the author. It's a quirk of the theme that I was not aware of.

          I have spent some time working on the code, so the email link no longer appears on any author's page. There should now be no way for anyone to determine the email address or identity of any author.

          I am very sorry for any inconvenience this caused you, and I thank you for bringing it to my attention.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  49. salaams sis, hope u dont mind me saying the following but i feel it is unfair for you to say that men have lost their qualities. because with all arrogance aside, i fit the criteria its just a pity you and many muslim girls arent around me haha... but seriously, be patient one of us are on the path heading to you inshallah. and with regards to men not being attracted to you. well, its like this, alot of muslim girls out there who ware the hijab etc etc but yet act anythin but in an islamic manner. and this is displeasing unfortunately alot of the good guys out there are keeping hold of their proposals cos we believe that most muslim women infact have lost their qualities. so to help you with your situation, i think firstly you have got to be patient and try to show the muslim men that not you are not like all those fake and phony muslim women out there. i hate them, i would rather marry Julia Roberts, she's nice... or Angelina Jolie haha. no seriously muslim women are screwed in the head sis. SAVE YOURSLEF

    • well then marry julia roberts...if you think she is nice! she has kissed more then 20 men while making movies touched them in an intimate way aswell ,she has no modesty,she does not isinja,she has been married twice if you wana be her third husband be my guest.... she has no love for the prophet s.a.w if that is your definition of nice well then i think your screwed up,by the way angelina jolie your so called nice women has made nude movies so if you wana marry her pls do but know that 50% of the world has seen her naked you wont be the first or second or third....so there is no use if she wears clothes because 50% sees right through it..... do not say muslim women are screwed up say those who do not follow islam fully are screwed up..... by the way you are screwd up because you have just commited zina online infront of millions your words "i would rather marry Julia Roberts, she's nice... or Angelina Jolie haha" fantasizing about women who are not your wives go ask forgiveness and pls marry to protect yourself from fantasizing abt ada women its zina.

  50. Salaams,

    I'm not sure if your response was directed entirely at me per se, but I am intrigued. I am not being sarcastic. A lot of my Muslim friends do not wear hijab but are very good Muslim women. I have seen and met some Muslim women who wear hijab, but like you say, act in any way but an Islamic manner. But I would be interested to hear you elaborate only because I have been looking at this from a female's point of view, which makes sense because I am a woman. However, I want to understand how Muslim men may perceive the situation. I do try to caution younger girls when they pretty much want the entire world when seeking a mate. They need to be realistic. Nonetheless, I hope you're right about finding a good Muslim man with character. Older Muslim Aunties, etc. are telling me not to hold my breath if I want to be with a practicing Muslim man of good character. I try to be patient and pray. Only Allah can bring someone like that into my life. I don't know anymore; the whole situation makes me feel numb. Thank you for your reply.

  51. sarah im going to butt in here ..... your words "A lot of my Muslim friends do not wear hijab but are very good Muslim women." thats not point..... there are christians whose character is even better then most muslims but then again thats not the point..... the point is to follow islam to the fullest that will make you a believer ..... the religion is not made up by us its Allahs will so we need to follow Allahs will not what we feel we can do and what we cant do no this is wrong..... we have to do what must be done and that is being muslim to the fullest and that is not difficult or impossible if not then we are simply lazy or ignorant....

    • Sister Haniyyya, you say that "the point is to follow Islam to the fullest that will make you a believer...we have to do what must be done and that is being Muslim to the fullest..." That is a little vague. For instance, how then would you respond to the Muslim males who are introduced to me for marriage who say they are Muslims, believe in Islam and Allah but do not pray, fast, pay minimal zakat, etc.?? So are they believers? Are they Muslims to the fullest? What about the fact that I keep hearing that if I meet a Muslim man who is a good man but does not pray and DRINKS!, I should overlook the not praying and moderate drinking and show interest. Even though a man like this considers himself a believer in Islam, is that the point, because he may have good character regarding how he treats women, his family, etc.?

      • look sis im married i asked Allah for a good and pious husband got married to a guy who has no values and no morals doesnt give a damn about me but what can i do huh? well im leaving him because i can not overlook you either be a muslim act like one or get lost, (thats for him) ..... it was an arranged marriage i was told he was a pious guy humble loving caring, if things are the way things are there is nothing you can do about it,this life is a test we need to fear Allah and work hard to please Allah and leave all the issues which will mean nothing in the end anyway.... why you worrying over men who care about themselves only? they wont change that is who they are,life goes on you cant stuck in the past. and with all my issues i still salute those men who are muslims to the fullest! you shouldnt overlook if you dont like something leave it..... move on....

  52. Ms. LaLa....you blah blahing that women should not worry about getting higher degrees and becoming independent, and their first priority should be to look for a husband. I would like to understand your background, where are you coming from and your age, because I don't agree how you are bluntly blaming the sisters here. Even if you go searching for a husband at the right age, what are the guarantees that you will find one on time? The people that I know that got married at an older age were destined at that time because Allah knows their right timings.

  53. Assalamu alaykum,

    Why would a pious Muslim want to attract non mahram men?

    To test attracing power? Or it is because women in many socities claim it is inherent quality in them to get dressed up and look attractive to attract attention?

    Well, Allah forgive us. We should lower our gaze, men and women should cover up their bodies as much as they can for Allah's sake and should seek HIS HELP.

    ISLAM is all about seeking Allah's help.Worshipping Him alone. Calling Him when in need. Being Thankful to . Fearing Him. Being in Awe of Him. Keep our duty towards Him.

    If we do this hoping for reward from Allah, surely He will not let the wages of His workers to be lost.

    So do that and Insha Allah the right proposal from the right person will come your way.

  54. I'll be as forthcoming as I can be . What I am going to write now will be straightforward and clear and a bit harsh too .

    I tried to read all the comments from muslim ladies who are facing problems well into their 30's and 40's and are still single .

    Well , let me guess

    You are highly educated
    You are good muslimahs and tried to avoid any relationship between you and a muslim man
    You were highly focused on your studies in your 20's
    You have very high expectations for your spouse ( highly educated , religious , handsome , rich blah blah )
    You are highly independent
    You have spent your life earning a good under/post graduate degree

    All these points are a big turn off for MOST men except of being good muslimahs(Thats point two) , I am talking about general men which includes muslim men also . All those people who are saying believe in Allah and keep praying and just sit back and relax and wait till a man comes on your door stop to propose to you . What a unrealistic and fantasy mindset. I agree that you need to keep praying and believing in ALLAH but you need to work on yourself . You need to find a good man

    God help those who help themselves

    let me give you a example . For example you are going to give a test . You are not studying at all for the test but you are spending sleepless nights praying to ALLAH that he will pass you in the test . What a fantasy . This is what you muslimahs are doing . You are expecting that ALLAH will send a man from the sky just for you . Considering your age , that's highly unlikely . All those people who said that Hazart khadija married prophet mohammad (SAW) at 40 . Let me tell you something , hazart khadija already had married either once or twice before marrying prophet . She also had children from earlier marriages . This clearly shows that despite being a successful business women , she married probably in her young age .

    The expectations that you muslimahs have for your future husband is way to high . And besides if these men were present in their 30's , what makes you think they would select you instead for a younger bride . They don't want a phd , or a women who have a high class education . They know that they can earn enough money to support their family and their wife don't need to have a high education . Just some basic education till Higher secondary or undergrad would be enough for them . They want a WIFE , A WOMAN who have good character and good muslimahs that could take care of them and make a house a home . They (men) already earn enough then why do they need their wives to work , and besides good men are already taken early .

    What most muslimahs don't understand is that education is important during your 20's but at the same time you need to think about yourself . You muslimahs would have been probably busy studying while those other females who were studying as well as searching for a good husband and now they are happy .

    You see , every action have its consequences and fall outs . You wanted to earn higher education and have a career and you thought that you will find a good husband when your in 30's or 40's . BE REALISTIC SISTERS BE REALISTIC .

    Men who have higher education or character are not looking for your type of women and to be brutally honest , they will not prefer a independent , strong women despite the fact that they are good muslimahs . I am sorry to be harsh , but this is something that every muslim women must realize .

    The feminist mindset have some how developed in our muslim women minds .They think that having a career and being independent is more important then raising a family and by the time they realise that this is not the truth , its too late then .

    P.S I am sorry to be blunt and harsh . But females must need to know the facts and the general mindset of most males. I could have posted some more hard hitting realities but I think that would be very harsh . May ALLAH help all those sisters in finding a good husband .

    • LaLa,

      Thanks for your brutally honest comments.

      Let me ask you something, though. Every woman I know who is married, is also highly educated (i.e. an undergraduate and even a graduate/professional degree). Yes, EVERY MARRIED WOMAN I KNOW (muslim and non-muslim), including my married friends, my married relatives, my married co-workers, my married former classmates....all have professional/graduate degrees, obtained in their early to late 20's, and some even in their early 30's. My married physician. My married accountant.

      How do you explain this, LaLa? Clearly, your life experiences are very closed, or, you just don't know a lot of people. Or perhaps you are speaking for yourself only. Have you done an empirical study confirming your theory? If so, I invite you to share the results.

      I'm just giving you a brutally honest rebuttal.

      Furthermore, I think that most muslim women who have posted on this thread know intuitively that a man won't appear out of nowhere just because we do dua. Deep down, we know that, and it causes a tremendous amount of heartache and grief. But thanks for drawing that fact to our attention again.

  55. And besides ... this goes for every muslimah ... If you happen to see a man good of character and religion . Grab him , take him , send proposal to his family . Don't wait because then you will be one suffering .

    There is nothing wrong in initiating a proposal . People will think that you are desperate or something . Let me tell you , let people think what they want to think . The only thing that matters is your husbands thinking . If he is nice then let people talk whatever they want to talk.

  56. BrotherrMunib,
    Can you please answer why so many pious Muslim men don't lower their gaze when it comes to non-Muslim women? Why when they are at the Mosque they will try to show the utmost respect to Muslim women by not looking at her directly when speaking to her, etc. but when they are at the workplace they are flirting away. Or why they frequent bars and clubs (oh mind me, they claim not to drink) they are checking women out left and right, and we all know, at least in the West, how scantily dressed, or shall I say undressed, these women are. Not to be mean, but we don't need any more lectures. I think we are all on the same page in terms of asking Allah for help, mercy, forgiveness, etc.

    Also, Ms. Lala, our parents instilled in us the value and importance of education. Yes, typically more education leads to higher earning power. I can only speak for myself so I will say, yes, I am highly independent, but that is out of necessity. I don't have a husband to help me with the logistics of life. I've had to buy, sell, and move out of my home all by myself. I deal with all my own financial matters; I take care of my own needs out of necessity because I don't have anyone to share those responsibilities with. So, yes, I am highly independent and glad that I am. But at age 22 or 25 I did not decide that I will be superwoman and handle everything on my own. I cry so often because life is hard; there are so many things to take care of, and sometimes being alone makes it very overwhelming. On top of that I am taking care of an elderly parent.

    So after being so independent, I do have some expectations of a potential spouse; he should be competent because I am--again, not only because I am educated but because I didn't have anyone to share responsibilities with!

    In terms of other expectations of a spouse, I am older and therefore understand that looks change. I don't need or want a real handsome husband, but I do believe there needs to be basic physical attraction. Don't men want beautiful wives?? Even though I have a graduate degree and am working on another one, I would be fine being with someone who has a Bachelor's Degree as long as he has intellectual curiosity. I have met many people with a Bachelor's Degree who are incredibly intelligent. My frustration lies in the fact that I keep running into "practicing" Muslim men who do not possess good character, and some who do tend to want wives who are not complementary partners but are subservient.

    Thank you for confirming, like others are telling me, that my expectations are too high in wanting a practicing Muslim partner who also possesses good character. But on top of that, there needs to be compatibility in some basic issues such as one's approach to Islam, etc. I'm probably opening up another can of worms with this statement.

    Anyway, I, like Tammy, question your background to gain a better understanding of where you are coming from. This happens in life; I don't think my background and those of some of the women in their 30s and 40s who are facing issues of not finding a suitable partner are consistent with yours.

  57. It's not Ms.lala it's Mr.lala

    I will not tell you my background but I was raised in many countries . From England , Kashmir , Sweden to Singapore and now U.S

    What I am saying to you , is what I have personally observed .

    I will not enter in a argument with you . I will just say that , it's better for you to realize the truth as soon as possible . You know the reason why you are still single . You also know the qualities which " Practicing , highly educated muslim men " want . I don't need to tell you that . And besides , you are in your 30's . You should have realized it by now .

    After reading all of your comments on this page . I can say that , you are a career-oriented woman . Am I right ? . I have seen many women like you and I , seriously don't want to get in detail as it will take whole lot of time for me to write the reason why most of them are still single .

    @ Tammy . Nothing in this world is guaranteed , even your life . What I am trying to say is that , women have very high chance of finding a husband in her 20's and nobody is stopping women to get education. . When she crosses 30's then her situation starts to become trouble some . Ask Sara , in this regard . I am really amazed that you don't know this fact .

    And if you saying that most women marrying in 30's are non - muslims . Well , what can I say for them . 95% of all adults in U.S before marriage had emotional and physical relationship . In the end , when their fun time is over , then they want to settle down which is usually in their 30's and 40's . Practicing muslims don't indulge in these behaviors .They usually get married in their mid to high 20's .

    When I was in Sweden , men and women used to marry late in their 30's or even 40's . The situation over there in Scandinavian countries is much worse than in U.S regarding social behavior .

    I won't write any more now . I think you all are mature adults and you don't need my opinions , do you ?

    Hopefully you'll find your solutions .

    • LaLa,

      I knew you were a man when I read your post. You know why?

      You have structured your entire comments around WHAT MEN WANT. In other words, if muslim women want to get married, we must mould ourselves to what men want. Men don't want a highly educated woman as a wife. Men don't want an independent woman.

      Mr. Lala, if you stand by what you say, then just tell us: Where in the Holy Quran does it say that in order to get married, a muslim woman must mould herself into what a man wants?

      Being educated is not haram. Having an advanced degree is not haram. Being a little on the dark side is not haram. Having extra weight on my hips is not haram. The fact that my grandfather was a tailor in India is not haram. The fact that I don't speak Urdu is not haram. Being independent is not haram.

      Mr. LaLa, Muslim men need to re-think their criteria and instead of rejecting women because of criteria that are PERMISSIBLE in islam (like i have outlined above), they should focus on criteria that is haram. In other words, if an educated, independent muslim girl drinks alcohol, then by all means she is not suitable. Instead, the muslim male community is rejecting girls because of factors that are halal and permissible. And Mr. LaLa, that is a poor, poor reflection on these muslim men.

      If you have evidence that an educated girl is a bad muslim, then please put that evidence on this thread. If not, then perhaps you should keep your comments to yourself.

      So many prospective mothers in laws have asked my mother if I am slim, if I am fair, if I cook dahl, how much property do myparents have in Pakistan, etc. This is disgusting.

      I am so tired of hearing about what muslim men want. This is why so many nice, pious, intelligent muslim girls have remained unmarried, because muslim men are fixated on their "grocery list" and will ONLY marry muslim women who meet all the criteria on that grocery list.

      I think it is high time that the muslim male community, which includes yourself, takes a good hard look at themselves. Perhaps it is high time that th emuslim male community asks itself, what do women want? why don't we fashion ourselves in such a way that will attract a nice muslim wife?

      At that point, the focus will shift from the grocery list methodology. Nice, pious, intelligent muslim women will no longer have to worry if they are "too smart" "too educated" "too fat" "too dark" "too short" "not from a well-to do family" etc etc.

      • Assalamu alaykum,

        Both men and women need to leave worldy criterias and look for brothers and sisters who fear Allah the most and who weep when the ayats of Allah are read unto them and who pray and fast and gives alms and help the needy and strive in the way of Allah with their wealth and lives in their own capacity as much as they can.

        We cannot blame each other. It will only lead us to falter and make our strength depart from us.

        Allah says in Surah Mumtahana:

        12. O Prophet! If believing women come unto thee, taking oath of allegiance unto thee that they will ascribe nothing as partner unto Allah, and will neither steal nor commit adultery nor kill their children, nor produce any lie that they have devised between their hands and feet, nor disobey thee in what is right, then accept their allegiance and ask Allah to forgive them. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.

        And Allah further speaks about the kind of wives who are worthy of being married to the Prophet , in Surah Tahriim:

        5. It may happen that his Lord, if he divorce you, will give him in your stead wives better than you, submissive (to Allah), believing, pious, penitent, inclined to fasting, widows and maids.

        Such are the women we should marry. Not be lured by outward show and inwand empitness.

        Of course, beauty pleases the eyes, but be careful, until and unless there is no firmness in the roots of the tree and its brances are not spread out, it can neither provide shade nor protect itself from being uprooted on a stormy day.

        I hope brothers understand what I mean to say by the above example.

        For sisters, I sympathize, but sometimes I feel Islamic permission of marrying up to four if you can do justice to all is a solution to many sisters' problem.

        But man men do it for fun, enjoying variety and not for serious concern for the women of the Muslim Ummah. And also our socities have made it a point of shame and also lot of sisters do not feel like sharing their husbands with anyone. This is why Allah says in the above verse of Surah Tahriim:

        ...wives better than you, submissive (to Allah), believing, pious, penitent, inclined to fasting, widows and maids.

        These women are loved by Allah and held in high esteem as they do not see wordly reasons but see the purpose of Allah and are inclined to helping the widows and maids and are worried about them.

        Well, such iimaan and love for Allah and submissiveness to His revelations is hard to find among most men and women of today who have ignored a large part of the Qur'an and whom the pleasures of the worldly life have beguiled from the Straight Path.

        May Allah guide us and solve our problems by His Mercy.

        * * *

      • Precious Star,

        Whilst your pain and suffering is sad to read, no one likes to read of such situations. I can't think of many more pains in life that a woman not being able to find a husband or a couple not being able to have a child naturally.

        You seem to think that a lot of Muslim men are very picky. But you're very very wrong in this statement, the majority of muslim men, including myself, had their families pick their wife. In fact I had absolutely no say in who I marry, not that I would want to if I was asked anyway.

        It is the mothers in law who are a bigger problem for young muslim women than the men themselves. You know this yourself.

        I don't know a single Muslim brother and I have many friends, who married a girl of their own choice. Of my 5 close friends, not a single one married a girl they picked. So the question that needs to be asked and is definately more appropriate in my opinion, is why are Mothers in Law so picky?

        Well all I can say is, no mother wants anything but the best for their son.

        Islam encourages young marriage. I would go so far as to say the alarm bells should start ringning for Muslims, both parents and children when the child reaches 20, not when they're reaching 30 or 35.

        • John,

          a lot of muslim men are picky, and a lot of muslim girls are picky.

          I'm not big on generalizations, and I try to refrain from making them, but I feel that Mr. LaLa's comments were premised on massive, unfair generalizations and I had to address them.

          I certainly didn't mean to target all muslim men. That was just my frustration coming out. Look, we all have faults, right?

          But I stand by my comment that Mr. LaLa's position was unfair and unwarranted.

          • I am also adamant on my position that you are a radical feminist and most muslim women are gold diggers. They won't admit but they are . End of story .

            I am clearly not surprised by your reply . Typical women behavior

          • lala, you've gone on about male-bashing, but mainly what I have seen is you insulting our Muslim sisters. I will not stand for this behavior on this website. Our job as Muslim men is to respect and protect our Muslim sisters, not demean them. This includes protecting their honor.

            I also do not want to see any arguments about the merits of males and females. Allah created us both. We each have our own special qualities and gifts.

            You have said that women always want to know a man's financial status. And you complained that the women are not beauty queens. Have you stopped for a moment to consider the woman's position? Islam has made the man the provider for the family. Therefore isn't it normal that a woman would want to know if a man is capable of fulfilling his duty?

            From a scientific perspective, it's well known that men tend to focus on appearance (as you did), while women tend to focus on a man's character and his ability to provide financial security. It's biological. It doesn't make us sex maniacs, or the women gold diggers.

            As Muslims, of course, we are urged to go beyond simple biological imperatives, and seek the partner who has taqwa, Allah-consciousness, and who will help us arrive at Jannah, Insha'Allah. This is one of the reasons why the Muslim rises above the level of just existing or surviving, and takes on the attributes of Imaan (faith).

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Mr.Wael , you said ,

            lala, you've gone on about male-bashing, but mainly what I have seen is you insulting our Muslim sisters. I will not stand for this behavior on this website. Our job as Muslim men is to respect and protect our Muslim sisters, not demean them. This includes protecting their honor.

            Can't you see what precious star wrote . You took all my comments as insulting to women but you never mentioned anything regarding precious star's statements. Don't you think that it is insulting to muslim men ?

            After reading your response . I can firmly say that you are a very biased person.I have read your responses on other questions and now I see why you are replying in this manner . You are an editor of this website but instead of being neutral and unbiased , you are using your site power to threaten me .....

            Very good Mr.wael . That really shows a lot of your mentality .

      • First of all , I never said that educated women are bad .

        I am stating that it's better for them to marry early and then continue their education . Is it wrong ? wouldn't it be easier for them to choose husbands when they are below 30's ??

        """Being educated is not haram. Having an advanced degree is not haram. Being a little on the dark side is not haram. Having extra weight on my hips is not haram. The fact that my grandfather was a tailor in India is not haram. The fact that I don't speak Urdu is not haram. Being independent is not haram. """"

        LOOK , physical beauty is important . No body wants to marry some one they don't like physically .

        """"So many prospective mothers in laws have asked my mother if I am slim, if I am fair, if I cook dahl, how much property do myparents have in Pakistan, etc. This is disgusting.""""

        MOST """""" MUSLIM WOMEN """"""" ARE GOLD DIGGERS , THEY ARE GOLD DIGGERS, GOLD DIGGERS AND GOLD DIGGERS . I HAVE SEEN AND ENCOUNTERED SO MANY FEMALES AND THEIR FAMILIES WHO ALWAYS WANT TO SEE THE BANK ACCOUNT AND WHICH CAR A MAN DRIVES REGARDLESS OF HIS PERSONALITY . SO MANY GOOD MUSLIM MAN WERE REJECTED WHO WERE NOT RICH . GET OFF OF YOUR HIGH HORSES . YOU ARE NOT BEAUTY QUEENS OR SOMETHING WHICH EVERY MAN WANTS . THERE ARE OTHER FEMALES WHO KNOW THEIR WORTH AND ACTUALLY UNDERSTANDS THEIR PARTICIPATION IN THEIR FAMILY AND COMMUNITY AT LARGE .

        STOP BASHING MALES . MUSLIM FEMALES ARE THE ONE WHO WANTS TO HAVE
        1) PIOUS MUSLIM
        2)HANDSOME MAN
        3)EXTREMELY RICH
        4)GOOD IN CHARACTER

        IF YOU WANT THESE CHARACTERISTICS IN YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND THEN YOU BETTER BE GOOD , YOU UNDERSTAND YOU BETTER BE GOOD .

        I THINK THAT YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE RADICAL FEMINIST WHO CAN'T THINK ANYTHING GOOD ABOUT MALES . YOUR JOB IS TO BASH MALES EVERY SINGLE TIME WHEN YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY FOR IT .

        • Sir, you came on this forum and bashed women for being over-educated and "delaying marriage" to further our careers.

          I was simply defending myself, and other women like myself.

          Muslim women like sister Sarah and myself don't need to be gold diggers, Mr. LaLa. Would you like to know why?

          Alhamdolillah, our parents and Allah SWT gave us a good education and good jobs, so we have money of our own.

          We don't need a man with gold, unless its the colour of his heart.

      • yes so they say..... they dont want highly independent women but just a few years later they blame us saying we are lazy sitting whole day at home doing noting enjoying life while they are struggling....

  58. I forgot to comment on this point ...

    "My frustration lies in the fact that I keep running into "practicing" Muslim men who do not possess good character, and some who do tend to want wives who are not complementary partners but are subservient"

    Good character in what sense ? They go clubbing ? , partying ?flirt with girls? or maybe sleep with them .Muslim Women these days are more concerned about their education and that's why they delay getting married . What they don't understand is that , muslim men are not the same . You know that temptation surrounds muslim men everyday . If muslim women give in to their temptations then how could you expect muslim men to be pure . They are even more sexually energetic . When muslim women are unavailable for marriage due to their personal circumstances , then what should muslim men do . Muslim men know they want to get married early but due to lack of good muslim women , they can't and after desperately controlling their desire , they eventually give up and fall for sin . They are humans for ALLAH'S SAKE . You may have seen men who practice Islam but still commit these sins . What can they do ?? . I , am by no way endorsing or supporting their sins but do they have any option . I , know , you would say that they should pray and keep fasting , but what you don't understand is that males are testosterone driven humans . THIS PROBLEM IS SOMETHING WHICH MANY PEOPLE REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE OR EVEN THINK ABOUT .
    In Islam early marriage is encouraged . There is a reason for that . You can get married and still continue your education , just don't get pregnant ..duh ...

    As for the subservient part . Well , most men want that kind of wife . Actually what men fear is that with highly independent women comes a high chance that marriage would end in divorce . This is TRUE for most cases . You can search the details on internet because it will take too long for me to write on this matter .

    Try to think about what I wrote in above paragraphs and then you'll realize the problem muslim men face in this era . Even practicing muslims fall sometimes.

    I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY .

    This article might help http://www.themuslimwoman.com/marriage/marriageisthequestion.htm

    • Brother Lala,

      You can't portray all Muslim men or all Muslim women in that way.

      I do agree with yoru comment about Muslim women being less and less available at younger ages. By pursuing higher education, Muslim girls/women delay the chances of marriage b y anything up to 5 yrs.

      Think about it this way, since most Muslim men want to do the money earning for a family, they don't really care if their wife is educated or not, of course no one wants to marry a complete illiterate, but you only need basic schooling to get you through life. So let's say a Muslim man get his education, he has the opportunity to marry a similarly aged muslim woman with an education or a much younger less educated muslim woman, who will he go for? Most of the time, the younger more fertile woman will be chosen.

      Yes we need our sisters to be educated, but by going through an education to such a late stage in life, you are cutting your chances of finding a good man by a long way. So muslims need to find a middle path, perhaps the sisters should consider part time education after marriage? Perhaps muslim men should go for the older girl who doesn't have as much time on her side?

      I would like to finish up by saying that I am 25 and my marriage has been delayed till later this year, but my greatest regret in life is not saying yes to my family when they said they want to look for a wife for me whilst I was studying. I may only have been 20 and not able to give a life a full luxury to my wife, but it would be more than enough given what many poor people suffer. I wish more Muslims, particularly here in the west where they leave marriage till they are old, anything above 22/23 didn't do this. I include myself in this category, I feel like an old man at 25 getting married, wasted too many years in my life, if I could I would go back and force myself to marry much younger.

      • Brother John .

        I never wanted to make this comment for all of muslim males and females . But don't you see this trend increasing in our society .

        Then people complain that muslim men are fornicators and two-timers . Why can't they see the main reason why muslim males are falling for this sin ..huh ? Its is so easy to blame them as hypocrites

        I only wanted to focus on this problem . Nothing offensive at all .

        • Mr. LaLa, if a man is a "fornicator and a two-timer," as you put it, it is because he chooses to be.

    • i dis agree lala you cant make it seem like its ok to commit zina coz there are no good muslimahs available thats just shaytaans mentality if so then we might asell all commit zina. why should it be ok to say that men are humans for goodness sake? we are humans too but im not gona go commit zina no no it is haraam Allah has warned us to stay away from it should we not obey and fear our lord? you think only muslim men face problems ? we women too are in difficulty ..... you speak as if earth was created for men alone like its all about them everything else is there to pllease them example we women are only needed to be obediant and for sexual pleasure what about us women dont we have rights or needs? marriage is 50/50 but few years later most men cheat on their wife while she was obediant obeyed what about her did she not deserve a man who cud be faithful? your mindset is somehow corrupted. women need to be respected the prohpet s.a.w said be kind to women pls he knows why he said that....

  59. @ Sister Sarah,

    Assalamu alaykum,

    If you read my post again, I have mentioned men before women in lowering gaze and covering body.

    I quote my line here again : " Well, Allah forgive us. We should lower our gaze, men and women should cover up their bodies as much as they can for Allah's sake and should seek HIS HELP."

    Even Allah commands men first to lower their gaze and then women in Surah An Nuur:

    30. Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is Aware of what they do.
    31. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest
    .....

    Of course we, being Muslims, need lectures and constant reminders. The Qur'an itself is a lecture in Arabic repeating many things again and again and again and again.

    Regarding so called "pious" brothers among Muslims who lower gaze in mosque and check out non - Muslim girls, My Lord best knows who is guided and who is astray and He knows best those who ward off evil.

    If they do so, it is their misunderstanding and utter ignorance of the Qur'an. What do you want to hear? I walk on the road, if woman comes around, I lower my gaze, I step aside to make a way for them to go before, I avoid looking at women even in TV and Newspapers. And all that is for Allah. Because He says so, I do it.

    And there are men I have heard who pray in the mosque where I pray and they have shops and when some women come to buy something, they make comments in secret codes or they say lewd things. So Allah best knows who is on His way and who is astray.

    I am unaware of the case with girls, I do not know if they check out or not, as I do not look up and gaze at them. Only Allah knows who ward off evil.

    If they do something wrong, if they do not pray, if they pray and not lower their gaze, if they flirt, if they make girls friends or if they date, I am not in charge of anyone. I am in charge of my soul only, but it is important to give them the Reminder so that haply they may ward off evil.

    I wish we make this forum as a point of understanding and not a place for vain disputes.

    May Allah accept our efforts and bless those who made this website and gave us a chance to talk of Allah and help people turn towards Allah by His permission.

    * * *

  60. I am sorry to say this, but I don't have time in my life to address comments of ignorant people as evidenced by some of the comments posted recently. A question to MR. Lala though. I have met Muslim men in their 30s and 40s who are finished with their education and can easily get married but choose not to because they want their freedom. They come from conservative Muslim families, and their families want them to get married. One Muslim man in his early 40s who is a doctor who fasts, prays, goes to Jummah, reads the Quran, etc. told me that he wants his freedom. He says he goes clubbing on a regular basis "to relax". How would you address those Muslim MEN who choose not to get married but will string women on and indulge in haram environments? There are a lot of Muslim men out there like that. Also, for your information, I was supposed to be in marital situation when I was in my early 20s even though I was working on my education. Because he had sexual and emotional issues and strung things along for such a long time, I lost time in trying to find someone else in my 20s. I was willing to be married and work on my education simultaneously. Mr. Lala I'm sure you will find some way to blame that on me because I am a woman even though eventually doctors and counselors said he is the one who had the issues and he alone needed to work on them but would not. Also, like Precious Star mentioned I DO NOT (Mashallah) NEED OR WANT TO BE A GOLD DIGGER because I luckily make good money myself. In fact, many community friends tell my father and me that they cannot recommend me to some men's families because they are not sure of the families' intentions and are concerned that they would want me for my income-producing potential. So it works both ways!

    • That's a good point you raise, Sarah. I have faced the same "reverse discrimination", i.e. because i am financially stable, the men and their mothers in law are more interested in my paycheque, my house, my bank account, my ability to sponsor the rest of their family, etc.

      I know another girl who is from such a religious and pious family here in north america -- the week before the wedding in Pakistan, her fiance's family insisted that she buy him a car before they would finalize the marriage. The poor girl, naturally the marriage did not go through, and she returned to north america still single and unmarried.

    • He probably wanted to get married when he was getting his education but muslim women like you rejected him on the basis that he is not financially well and is not working ....

      Now when he has the money and looks , why would you think he would settle for 30+ old women while he can get any girl in this world .

  61. @ Everyone on this page

    Assalamu alaykum,

    Why are we arguing here? This website is for understanding, coming to common points and helping the larger Muslim community find beneficial advices and possible solutions to the problems they face in life.

    So please do not make this website a place of proving Muslim male superiority nor make it a place to find faults in all Muslim males.

    *** Wake up ***

    Guys, if you find good women, be they 20 or 30, are they good? Marry them, if you go for worldly comforts and seek their wealth, chances are you will always be interested in her wealth and not her. And I believe a lot of our sisters have even sacrificed on this part, providing for their families and husbands and done their best which is difficult for us males to do, but yet they have done it to run a family. We have to be honest about this. Not all our Muslim families around the world are rich always, infact thats only a few of the lot.

    Sisters, am sure if you find good guys, you would not hesitate to consider the marriage proposal. But, let your mothers and your fathers and families be ready to accept "good" guys from diverse cultural back grounds. Many do accept nowadays due to a positive Islamic outlook, yet culture is a big hurdle even nowadays, so help each other break the back of cultural barriers.

    I cannot give more advices, as each individual himself knows best his/ her circumstances. Allah I say is do not place parents should not place difficulties in the path of their children's marriage.

    If the guys are not rich, but they work to earn a living, Insha Allah, Allah will enrich them.

    If the girls are not rich, but they love you and support you ( as a wife), Insha Allah, they are the best wives.

    So let us find a middle and easy path for ourselves, create awareness of Islamic principles on a larger level in our societies by person to person communication and help each other lessen if not completely abolish the hurdles which come in marrying good men to good women and good women to good men.

    A Muslim's hope in Allah mercy should remain not only until younge age, but until the Day of Judgment, that Allah will provide for him the best if he keeps his duty towards Allah and fear Him much.

    Salaamu alaykum

    * * *

    • Thank you, I like your comments.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Alhamdulillaah,

        We seek no thanks br. Wael. We do it for Allah only.

        I am happy you like my comments.

        Salaam

        * * *

        • Brother munib

          sorry to say but your paragraphs are too good to be true .. If people followed your advices then this world would be very different .Be realistic

          The fact is that neither women or men follow these rules which you have laid in searching for a spouse

          And btw , men really doesn't have any problem in getting married . Even if they reach 50s or 60s and have money , they can easily get trophy wife .

          Why would you think they would settle for a 30+ old women when they the opportunity to get a younger girl

          Deen is necessary in looking for a spouse but physical attraction is also equally important .

          • ok here i agree with lala face reality most men with money desire young women they are beautiful fun cute and exciting and for those older women you should have married when you were young that was more important then any studies as marriage fufills half of your imaan.

  62. ***Correction: Parents should not place difficulties in the path of their children's marriage for illegitimate and unIslamic reasons.

  63. I won't argue now . It's your life .
    As I said earlier your mature adults , you'll find your situations .

    The sad part is that in this world of equality , whenever I try to explain the problems of muslim men . I always get bashed .

    Thank you very much Mr.Wael , Ms.Sarah and Ms . Precious for your comments .From your comments ,you simply refuse to acknowledge or understand what I am trying to say .

    Mr.Wael , you just said that "Islam has made the man the provider for the family. Therefore isn't it normal that a woman would want to know if a man is capable of fulfilling his duty?"

    Man has lost his position in society as a MAN . Now in most cases , women earn more than their husbands. Do you even know that men in many cases have refused to marry rich women because they cannot fulfill their basic function . What's the point of marrying when you(women ) are already independent and sufficient . Why do even need protection . Now , women have everything they want . Have you ever seen this problem through the eyes of a man ? Mr.wael I suppose you don't really know the reasons why men are not marrying now and are committing sins .

    P.S I am still firmly fixed on my viewpoint . Call me ignorant , insulter of muslim women . It really doesn't affect me at all . You people always tend to overlook and ignore the problems of muslim men .

    I am off this topic now .

    • @ Lala

      Assalamu alaykum,

      We sympathize with you and we agree that you have your own ideas about marriage and Muslim men's problems.

      But the points which you have put forward are not reasons to go astray and commit adultery or involve yourself in haraam actions.

      How many Muslim women around you are on power positions or run business houses? Count them and you will know.

      If a woman is independent, she has the right to be independent and earn for herself. Our mother, the mother of believers, Khadija is also said to have been a businesswoman who had engaged the Prophet in her business and trusted him with selling her goods. She was a business woman.

      How if she had sent a proposal and the Propthet would say : O ! You earn so much, even better than me. You are so rich, secure. Why you need to marry?

      Does it befit any man to speak such language?

      Well, beyond money, there is something more which all women want, it is genuine love and care and someone concerned for them. This is enough for them. If you do this, whether she is rich or poor, Insha Allah, if she is on Islam, she will never disappoint you and will be more than happy to be with you.

      Women also want faithful partner and so do men. So we should fear Allah, and we should fear going astray and we should fear committing evil actions and we should fear a day when all cases will be judged aright and no one will be wronged.

      Please remain calm, we are not proving anything hear. The problem starts when we want every person to accept our ideas. I have my opinions, I stand by them and I try to clear my point if there is confusion, I do not try to convice each and every person to agree 100% to what I say. And we all should do this and respect everyone's right to speech.

      Enjoy being on the forum and Insha Allah give helpful advices to those who seek.

      Salaamu alaykum

      * * *

      • You said ,

        But the points which you have put forward are not reasons to go astray and commit adultery or involve yourself in haraam actions.

        I never said that . I wanted to make a point that not every human is strong to control their desire .If you are , then good for you . Don't you see what is happening around us . Muslim men and women are indulging in this sins . Aren't they ? I wanted to make a point that EARLY MARRIAGES ARE NOT BAD AND PEOPLE CAN PURSUE THEIR STUDIES EVEN AFTER MARRIAGE .

        Another point you made

        If a woman is independent, she has the right to be independent and earn for herself. Our mother, the mother of believers, Khadija is also said to have been a businesswoman who had engaged the Prophet in her business and trusted him with selling her goods. She was a business woman.

        How if she had sent a proposal and the Propthet would say : O ! You earn so much, even better than me. You are so rich, secure. Why you need to marry?

        How many muslim women wants to have a husband that is her employee . Do you know any one ? How you seen any women who is a CEO marrying a staff member in her company . I HAVE YET TO SEE THAT IN MY LIFE .

        P.S I am not forcing my opinions and my experiences on anyone .

        • that is no excuse lala i feel it would be nice if both men and women (husband and wife) work that way they could build a masjid together a orphanage the could go hajj and many more..... most men dont want women to work same time they dont wana give her spending money says she is a gold dogger or after his money why? we women need money too i cant go to my husband everytime asking for money not sure if he will have at that time or if i se a hungry person i have to phone my hubby and say hey i just met a poor prson wana give her 500 bucks cud you pls come over and hand me the money his gona be like what i mean we got hearts too we wana go places give charity help our parents help the old how we gona do this without money? and most husbands fels its a burden to give the wife 1000 bucks a month for spending money ok we understand now let us work for it dont say stay at home money ait gona fall from the sky

          • Well If your husband doesn't give you money then he is committing sin . He is needs to support you financially .

            The examples you quoted are really funny (sorry to say ) You wanna give 500 bucks to a poor person . Are you a millionaire or something ?

            Sister asking reasonable amount from your husband is no sin . It is your right . The answers to your questions lies in Islam .

            Unfortunately in modern era , the roles of male and females are reversing . There is now a surge in house-husbands and career women .

          • yes indeed it isnt difficult for me to give 500 bucks to a stranger infact it makes me happy to put a smile on someones face well thats not something you would understand because you wouldnt do it u think its funny if my husband cant give me that fine i dont judge or blame him ill work for it myself.... he supports financially but its not enough

  64. @ Lala,

    Assalamu alaykum,

    Thank you for your response brother. I also agree with you on the part of early marriage, but we have to understand a few things:

    1. We have to educate our youth about Islam, sex and marriage.
    2. We have to know if they are ready for an early marriage.
    3. If they seem to be ready for early marriage and show maturity, surely with consent of boy and girl and their families, marriage is very much possible and should be made.
    4. Some people think they cannot pursure education after marriage, mostly women, because they have a child to look after, a husband to satisfy and a whole family keeping an eye on her commitment towards the household work.

    Nothing can be changed overnight. As I said, we have to do person to person counselling, instruct parents what the Qur'an says and this is what each child, each youth has to do on an individual level and develop a positive atmosephere where early marriages are welcome.

    I do agree with you 100% that we have sexual desires, curiosity and some control and others do not and deprivation of a partner for this causes them to look for others means to satisfy their instincts.

    But remember, we are Muslims, Allah has given us the Qur'an, we have to cling on firmly, and educate ourselves with its verses.

    Allah commands something to singles who are unable to marry due to whatever reasons - parents refusal to early marriage, studies, or any other. The Qur'an provides an instant answer and a judgment from Allah for Singles:

    33. And let those who cannot find a match keep chaste till Allah give them independence by His grace. - Surah An Nuur.

    And if we forget Allah's revelations or not obey them, then Allah has still told us about the consequence of such denial:

    8. And how many a community revolted against the ordinance of its Lord and His messenger, and we called it to a stern account and punished it with dire punishment,
    9. So that it tasted the ill effects of its conduct, and the consequence of its conduct was loss.
    10. Allah hath prepared for them stern punishment; so keep your duty to Allah, O men of understanding! O ye who believe! Now Allah hath sent down unto you a reminder,
    11. A messenger reciting unto you the revelations of Allah made plain, that He may bring forth those who believe and do good works from darkness unto light. And whosoever believeth in Allah and doeth right, He will bring him into Gardens underneath which rivers flow, therein to abide for ever. Allah hath made good provision for him. - Surah At Talaaq.

    Brother Lala,

    You are not completely wrong, and no one intends to prove you wrong. You made an important point. we understand it. Insha Allah, Allah will help those who turn to Him for refuge from sins.

    Salaam.

    * * *

  65. @ Lala,

    Brother, everyone who has subscribed to this post I guess must be feeling we are exaggerating the issue without much conclusiveness.

    Request you to be kind and forgiving and end the debate here. If we go on like this, only we will develop ill feelings towars each other and our strength which is - Unity will depart from us.

    Request you to stay calm, be the one who forgives, we are Muslims right.

    Again, I would say this website is for a noble cause of helping people get good advices and find possible solutions to their problems by the permission of Allah. It is not a place of heated debate and arguments. The world is big enough to find people who will go on and on in arguing.

    You made a point, they made a point, leave it there. Allah knows who is right and who is wrong.

    We are Muslims right? So you be the one who keeps sabr and let go.

    You should be happy that people are allowed to express their opinions freely on this website.

    Be forgiving brother Lala. Be forgiving.

    And am addressing all Muslims who read this post, not only you, have we forgotten the verses of Surah Hujurat:

    10. The believers are naught else than brothers. Therefore make peace between your brethren and observe your duty to Allah that haply ye may obtain mercy.

    11. O ye who believe! Let not a folk deride a folk who may be better than they (are), nor let women (deride) women who may be better than they are; neither defame one another, nor insult one another by nicknames. Bad is the name of lewdness after faith. And whoso turneth not in repentance, such are evil doers.

    Lets end this brother Lala. Lets smile and hold on the rope of Allah together and do not separate. We all made our points. Now let there be peace :)

    Salaam

    * * *

  66. I agree with Mr. Lala.

    The truth is simple: the common notion among us is it is simply not possible for a women to be a career women and good homemaker simultaneously. Personally, I do not believe in the concept of superwomen either. If you want to become both a career women and a homemaker, you can at best give your 50% of effort for homemaking. Will the homemaking of a woman who is exerting her 100% effort for homemaking alone will be same as that of a career women who is giving only 50% of her effort? It can't be. And in most cases, the effort of career women tilt towards their career.

    I have posted a Reader's Digest article in my blog. In this article, a father in his advice to her daughter about how she can make her husband happy, gave her the following advice:

    "The chances are that, when you marry someone and become a housewife, you may have to give up some career or ambition. If you can't let go with both hands, don't get married."

    Full article: http://theshardulofallah.wordpress.com/2011/05/20/a-fathers-advice-to-his-daughter/

    • Stranger .....

      Let's face the fact , muslim women are the one who will suffer if they don't change their attitudes towards marriage and men .

      Women already out number men so men really doesn't have to care . They even have permission to marry non-muslims and can have 4 wives but muslim women don't have this liberty.

      If muslim women don't want to stop their bossy and arrogant attitudes then good luck in finding a husband

  67. This would be all well and good if men did not exert such power and be so controlling over women who stayed at home. Most women would agree that when I woman also contributes to the household income, she commands more respect. I am making a general statement about this; men will value and respect a woman more who is working (part time or full time) versus staying at home full time. I am referring to people living in Western countries. I see it all the time. In fact, I have run into many practicing Muslim men in their 30s and 40s who say they do not want a wife who will stay at home full time. One reason for that is because they feel they won't have a lot to share with their wives; their wives will become boring to them and that will cause them to seek female company (even if it is minor) elsewhere, which obviously is not good for a marriage. I am just stating what I hear Muslim men say. But unfortunately, many Muslim men do not respect and value women who stay at home full time.

  68. I'm in the same boat as the girl who writ this blogg. I'm turning 20 next month and I just don't understand why I cannot find a good muslim man who has no bad intentions. I did join a muslim dating website and had a bad experience with a blatant liar who had very many girl on the go on the website and was married. I don't want to be cruel as I am a nice person at heart but if I don't look after myself who will? I'm very scared and its upon me to find myself a husband.

    • As salamu alaykum, Suzi,

      Get your family involved in searching a spouse for you, you are very young, you shouldn´t be alone on this, go to your mosque and talk to your Iman, he may guide you and help you, too, insha´Allah.

      María
      IslamicAsnwers.com Editor

  69. Assalamu alaykum, Maria
    My parents have tried but the people they find or know are way older than me :( I have asked a family member to help but they say I am too young. Thank you for your reply I didn't think anyone would read my post

  70. “Where have the good Muslim men gone?”In the league table of futile statements, this surely ranks up there.

    Why?

    Because aside from being defeatist and self-delusional, this statement exemplifies the very mindset which is the principle reason why so many Muslim women are single in the first place.

    Let me explain.

    First, to really appreciate this statement and all that it represents, you have to consider both the context in which it is uttered, and the reasoning behind it. The context is sadly an increasingly common one – namely an increase in the number of single, thirty-something Muslim women, who are finding it difficult to get married. It is heartbreaking, and represents a failure on an individual and community level. They are our sisters, our daughters, and our friends. We feel for them, but it is also the time for some home truths.

    “Where have the good Muslim men gone? The danger of this statement and mentality is that it is designed to reassure women that there really is a shortage of good Muslim men.

    This prevents Muslim women from understanding the reality of the situation; that for most of them, the reason they are still single is because of their past actions and their attitudes towards men and marriage.

    By make-believing that the only reason they are not married is down to a lack of good men, they effectively absolve themselves from responsibility for their situation. This subconscious defense mechanism, prevents much needed introspection by conveniently laying the blame elsewhere. We all make mistakes, however this failure to look deep within and recognize them, prevents many single Muslim women from addressing the root cause of their predicament – their attitudes towards men and marriage.

    In my experience, most of these women have met and rejected many good men over the years, before they got to the situation where they now find themselves, i.e. the once steady stream of suitors has dried to a trickle. I have many thirty+ single friends whose continual lamentations about the ‘shortage’ of ‘good men’ I have to endure at every gathering, however I also know that during their twenties they turned down many good, decent men. Of course, those men are now happily married.

    Over the years I’ve quizzed my friends on the reasons they rejected the men, and in addition to being floored by the sudden immaturity of these otherwise intelligent women, I came to realize that the Muslim woman of today is not looking for a ‘good man’ until very late in the day. This is the core problem and the tragedy is that these women don’t even realize it. If they did, they would have realized that the ‘good men’ were all around them, they were their friends, colleagues, and acquaintances.

    The quiet guy in the prayer room who gave salaams, then moved on, rather than standing around and flirting. There is something beautiful about a young Muslim man who is shy around women. It is something to be applauded, not criticized.

    However these are exactly the types of men young Muslim women are NOT interested in (until they hit their 30’s or have otherwise been ‘played’ by someone). Despite their most ardent protests, deep down most women are attracted to the ‘bad guys’, they like the guy who is charming, confident around women, dressed well, funny, i.e. they want the guy that all the girls want, and nowhere in their vocabulary do you hear the words ‘good man’ till they hit 30.

    Many years ago, a Muslim girl, S.S (name withheld to protect the innocent) wrote a response on a well known Islamic website, which I include here, verbatim:

    “If only our mothers didn’t raise us to grow into such Nakhra [drama] queens, we would know what we are missing out on. All men want is acceptance, and we tend to tear them apart starting from their walk, to their talk, the clothes they wear, the food they eat, the sports they play or the books they read or don’t read. Who would have thought that we would turn into such vicious and mean people one day? But evidently we are who we are and men don’t like that.”

    So very true. Men are simple – despite all the bravado and chest beating, all we want is to be accepted for who we are. It really is that simple. However, Muslim women seem to have been programmed to criticize. Rather than recognizing what a man has to offer, they focus on what he doesn’t have to offer, and then complain when they find themselves still single.

    Now, I don’t want this to turn into a battle of the sexes, as this won’t achieve anything.

    As Muslim men, we are guilty of much. We are frequently preoccupied with beauty at the expense of all else, despite clear guidance from our creator and his messenger not to do so.

    However, in general, we also recognize our flaws and don’t externalize our own shortcomings by complaining about a ‘lack of good women’.

    As a community we have go beyond mutual recriminations and work collaboratively to address these challenges. However, as a first step we need open and honest dialogue. Whilst this article may seem harsh, it represents the reality of what many Muslim men think about Muslim women.

    The truth is, we are all in this together. The women who are struggling to get married are our sisters and our daughters, and they should not have to live in loneliness. However, there is also something fundamentally wrong with the way many Muslim women today view men and marriage.

    So single-Muslim-women-who-are-finding-it-hard-to-get-married, rather than mulling over a non-existent shortage of ‘good men’, think hard, look within and most importantly, humble yourselves. Perhaps the thing which you are seeking is right under your nose.

    • Mashallah, true words of wisdom has been spoken. For those who want to learn, let them learn. For those who don't, let them remain lost in their self-convinced defense mechanism.

    • There's a lot of truth in what Lala says. When I was younger I married a non-Muslim woman at a time when no Muslim woman (at least none that I knew) would have had me. I was working a few jobs but barely getting by financially. I had no savings, and my wife was more highly educated than me. The Muslim women that I grew up with (friends of the family, members of the local Egyptian-American community) would have laughed down their noses at a proposal from me.

      My experience with some Muslim women has been that their primary concerns are my income, education level, attractiveness, and how charming or stylish I am.

      Converts are different. They are looking for a man of good deen and character, and they rarely seem to care about material characteristics.

      The other exception is older women who have been divorced once or twice. They have been burned by men who met all of their material criteria, and have learned a lesson. Now they are looking for a man who is kind, gentle, loving, etc. But of course many of them are in their late 30's and 40's, they have kids, and it's much harder at that point for them to find a man.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Brother Wael,

        Deen is the number 1 choice and the best choice.

        It is a fact that one who fears Allah will be successful. One who remembers Allah much will be successful. One who turns repentant to Allah will be successful. One who is thankful to Allah will be successful. One who hopes only from Allah will be successful. One who seeks the help of Allah only will be successful.

        So success lies in Deen and we do need "men" like that and we do need "women" to accept such men.

        Whether they be financially not so strong, if they have these charecteristics, their company would be better than any other pleasures.

        This recalls to my mind a verses of the Qur'an, where the Prophet's wives are mentioned:

        28. O Prophet! Say unto thy wives: If ye desire the world's life and its adornment, come! I will content you and will release you with a fair release.
        29. But if ye desire Allah and His messenger and the abode of the Hereafter, then lo! Allah hath prepared for the good among you an immense reward.

        None of us can take place of Muhammad, Messenger of Allah (Salallaahu alayhi wasallam). But we can try to imitate him and be like him, Insha Allah.

        And we should not what Allah says: If you desire Allah and His Messenger and the abode of the Hereafter", meaing a woman whose purpose if the purpose of Islam, a woman whose purpose is seeking the pleasure of Allah and not being lured in to worldly comforts, and one who desires Jannah, for such Allah would Insha Allah bestow of His bounty.

        Our women need to open up eyes to the verses of the Qur'an, they need to know what kind of women they are required to be, and men need to open the Qur'an and know what are their roles, what kind of men does Allah like, are they any near to it?

        Until and unless we do not turn to the Revelations of Allah - His Book, we, our discussions and our efforts will fail miserably. That is for a surety.

        Salaam to all.
        Your brother,
        Munib.

      • Thank God , at last I am able to convince Mr.wael .

        Thank you Mr.wael for understanding my point . This is what I was trying to say . I was never against muslim women NEVER EVER .

        One thing more Mr.wael ..... Why did you delete my previous post on marrying converts and non-muslims . I think there was nothing offensive about it . I was only speaking the truth . with all due respect , please let me know the reason .

        Second thing , Why my comments have to be moderated every time I post . I never used any abusive language , did I ? If I did then I apologize for that .

        Thank you ,

        • Lala, I think I approved your comment about marrying converts and non-Muslims, or if I deleted it then I'm sure I had a reason. As to why your comments are moderated, you are often rude with people.

          For example, just today you wrote:

          "Ok Mr.holy man, I never stopped you from doing anything , did I ? Go, rant to some one who cares . I don't really care what ever you say. If you don't like post , so be it . It doesn't really matter to me if you like it or not . Give your lecture to some one who really needs it . Why do you even care to reply to my post . Next time , spare me your lecture"

          And you also wrote:

          "WHY THE HELL YOU ARE NOT UNDERSTANDING MY POINT . DO YOU EVEN LIVE IN THIS WORLD ."

          This is a very rude way to speak to people. And that's why you are still on moderated status and will remain so for now.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Right Wael, but for every "bad muslim woman" story there is a comparable "bad muslim man story".

        I can tell you that unequivocally in my experience muslim men are driven by looks, skin colour and a woman's figure. Non muslim men tend to look at the "entire package." Again, that is my experience.

        So what is worse? Lala says it himself -- why would a man want an "old woman" (his words exactly) over 30 when he can have someone younger. There is an attitude behind that statement that is just as distastesful as a muslim woman wanting a man who is financially secure so he can provide for her.

        • @ precious star

          So what is worse? Lala says it himself -- why would a man want an "old woman" (his words exactly) over 30 when he can have someone younger. There is an attitude behind that statement that is just as distastesful as a muslim woman wanting a man who is financially secure so he can provide for her

          Why didn't women like you accepted us when we were desperately asking you to marry us in the time of difficulty and need . Did you support us ?

          Now , when we are financially stable , why would we choose a women who didn't want to marry us when we were not financially stable .

          Educated and Financially stable women like you could have supported us when we needed you the most . Where were all the muslim women at that time ?? huh . when we(muslim men ) were going through all hardships.

          Now when we have the money , now when we are financially stable , why should we pick you .... tell me one good reason why ??

          LOOK AT THE EXAMPLE OF HAZART KHADIJA (RA), HOW SHE SUPPORTED HER BELOVED HUSBAND IN TIMES OF NEED AND DIFFICULTY . UNFORTUNATELY WOMEN LIKE HAZART KHADIJA(RA) ARE NO MORE .

          EVERY THING WHICH GOES AROUND , COMES AROUND .
          AS YOU SOW SO SHALL YOU REAP

          • Please don't type in all caps as it is the equivalent of shouting.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • As salamu alaykum, Mr Lala,

            This is my personal opinion, please take it with a pinch of salt.

            Sounds extrange to me the way you talk, it seems you were rejected and now you want "revenge", but it seems to me that you would appreciate more a 30 or 40 years old woman than a 20 one, probably I am wrong, but the way you speak is like you would appreciate someone that can follow your reasonings and would be an intellectual challenge for you, you sound as a man that is looking for a well grounded woman with her feet firm on earth, with the right values.

            Brother an educated woman, may not be able to support a man until she is 30 or later, the balance goes the same in both ways. And you have forgotten about the family choosing the spouse and their criteria, is not just the girl, if you read the posts, there are many women ready to marry even when they know they will have to work to be able to support the family. We cannot generalize and put everyone in the same bag.

            If a woman in their 30 or 40 marries a young man, there is a big chance for the man when she is 50 or 60 to abandone, divorce her, not all the men love and respect so much their wives as our beloved Prophet (saw) loved HAZART KHADIJA (RA).

            I know many cases of men with children leaving their wives for younger women, after 20 years of marriage.

            Age, is a subtle question, why should a man choose a "old woman" ( I am almost 44) and my answer to you is, there is no one single reason why you should marry a woman if you don´t already see it, you seem to have thought a lot about the issue, being you I would put on a side the "revenge"thing and will open myself directly to Allah(swt) guidance, the day you have it you will have it, she may have 20, 30 or 40 you sound quite mature not to be looking at age, specially.

            Your previous post was very balanced you brought forward many issues in a direct way and at the end you made peace saying:" The truth is, we are all in this together" Why are you so annoyed now?

            All my Unconditional Respect,

            María
            IslamicAsnwers.com Editor

        • No doubt you are right, Precious Star. I'm sure that many Muslim men are just as superficial in their search as women, and probably more so. There are two sides to every story. The challenge for us as human beings is to learn to see the other side, and to be guided by compassion rather than judgment.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Sister Maria M

            I think you are the first woman who have replied and presented a reverse argument with much logic and appreciation .

            I am really amazed that many of your assumptions you made truly fit my personality . Are you a marriage counselor , a psychologist or a therapist because it is really hard to judge a person by just looking at their writings .

            Although the rejection and revenge part is not true so you won't get credit for that :d

            The primary reason I replied in a harsher tone was because of Ms.Precious star's and Mr.Munib's comments . They always seem to downplay and reject whatever I was trying to say and then mocked my reasoning without any understanding and justification .

            ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            I will write a post , later explaining you the reason , as to why I am criticizing muslim women.

          • As salamu alaykum Brother Lala,

            Thank you for replying and for your appreciation. I wasn´t judging you, I hope you forgive me if you thought I did that, I was trying to understand you. I will wait to answer you, when I have read all that you have to write, if you don´t mind, insha´Allah.

            All my Unconditional Respect,

            María
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Interesting discussion going on here.

        There are many sisters who have been raised as Muslims (ie not converts) who are highly attracted towards men of good deen and character and material characteristics have not been important at all. But unfortunately these sisters are being suffocated by their parent's cultural and emotional blackmailing. They may be as striving as their revert sisters, the only difference being the reverts are fortunate that they do not have this suffocating baggage pulling them down at every step they try to take, Alhumdulillah.

        I really wish that our Muslim brothers would for once try to understand the emotional struggles we sisters have had to go through with our parents.

        May Allah make things easier so that culture is replaced by deen in every nation, in every house and in every individual's mind.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Assalam-Alekum,

          I totally agree with SisterZ. There are so many sisters who are born muslims and who'll be by their husband's side through thick and thin. But unfortunately their parents are the ones who are pulling them back and keeping them down. For many revert sisters there is no such problem that is their father rejecting a proposal for her daughter just because the guy is from different cast, or guy is a revert, or guy does not have a nice job or car. But born sisters are plagued by these problems. I can see them here and there and there are so many such problems.

          May Allah give guidance to muslim parents to not go after these petty things. Us brothers are blind to these problems which our born sisters face. May Allah guide us all.

          regards,

    • LaLa,
      There is much truth to what you have written. But I think it mostly applies to sisters who are more geared towards feminist movements and stuff. Or those who venture themselves after some flirty guy instead of the guy who show his interest by saying salam but has not done any interaction with women so does not know what else to say.

      But still there are many sisters specially in muslim countries and they are in the HUGE majority who are limited by their Wali. Who is a muslim man sometimes mothers also, looking for a husband for his/her daughter with a stable job, apt/house and "happiness" for his daughter. Although the daughter does not care for all these things but for the MAN in the house all these things are important for "happiness" of her daughter. So what can a daughter do then. She is simple, does not want to hurt her parents, does not want to appear disrespectful, by demanding the man which her parents think is "Unfit". So what can she do? She keeps quite.

      Although brother your statements were true for some minority of sisters but I think majority of sisters do not fall into the category which you mentioned. May Allah guide us all.

      What is the solution? Parents looking for prince charming and daughters ready for a good muslim man? Simple. As a parent I should talk to my daughter both father and mother. As a daughter I should talk to my parents. Its not a matter of being disrespectful but a matter of following deen and not following it.

      regards,

    • MashaAllah this is a well balanced, fair argument and I agree with many of these statements. Remember its not just what you say its how you say it..
      Jzk for this

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  71. Dear Stranger and LaLa:

    You are not turning this into a "learning opportunity." Myself and others have come here seeking solace and advice. The only people who can give me harsh lectures and speak down to me (and down to anyone), are my parents. Not you.

    It is very sad that anonymous posting results in such demeaning and angst-ridden messages.

    LaLa, your post is replete with criticisms and essentially puts women down.

    I am extremely disheartened and insulted by every word you have written. This is the truth, Lala: you have no idea what me, Sara, or any other western-raised muslim woman has gone through. You might make assumptions based on your own experience, but those assumptions and experiences are irrelevant to us.

    Brother Wael posted a very nice blog about how this forum should not turn into a battle of the sexes with one gender bashing the other. He also suggested that we treat each other with respect while on this forum. I suggest you read it.

    • You are not turning this into a "learning opportunity." Myself and others have come here seeking solace and advice. The only people who can give me harsh lectures and speak down to me (and down to anyone), are my parents. Not you.

      Yes,it's true that your parents have this right but this is a public form and every body has right to display their opinions . If you don't like it , so be it

      I am extremely disheartened and insulted by every word you have written. This is the truth, Lala: you have no idea what me, Sara, or any other western-raised muslim woman has gone through. You might make assumptions based on your own experience, but those assumptions and experiences are irrelevant to us.

      There is nothing in my post which reflect any insults . Whatever I have said , it is based on facts . Muslim women like you are the reason why good muslim men are now turning to non-muslim women .

      Brother Wael posted a very nice blog about how this forum should not turn into a battle of the sexes with one gender bashing the other. He also suggested that we treat each other with respect while on this forum. I suggest you read it

      We love our muslim sisters but as muslim sisters only . Their arrogant attitude and the refusal to acknowledge the truth has made many good muslim men to turn away from them .

      Have you ever wondered why so many muslim men are now turning to non-muslim women and new converts ?

  72. WHY DONT THOSE >30 SISTERS JUST PROPOSE TO THOSE <25 BROTHERS????

    and this really is my favorite part. because, in all those blog articles ive read, there’s always sisters who will mention how Khadeeja R.A proposed to the Prophet pbuh and she was a businesswoman and they had a great life etc etc (serving to illustrate their point that its ok to be an emancipated “career-women” who have beauty,education,money and everything,i.e they deserve to “have it all”).

    so…WHY DONT YOU SISTERS JUST FOLLOW SUIT?????? not on the career aspect. but on the age one. and being proactive and proposing!! hah.

    following her example would be a very good solution to the current marriage crisis. Propose to the brother who is out of college and going “duuude i need married real baaad”. help him with his college loans, be with him until he eventually finds a good stable job and try to treat him like Khadeeja R.A treated the Prophet pbuh. THEN YOU COME AND TALK ABOUT THIS HADEETH.

  73. Go on sisters ... bash us ( muslim man ) as much as you can but remember one thing.

    Prophet Mohammad(PBUH) said that, near the end of times , male to female ratio would be 1:50 .

    What would the sisters do in that situation . Interesting situation it will be .

    I hope, in that situation , muslim sisters would be more sensible and logical .

    This western feminist movement and ideas has really destroyed the mindset and values of western muslim women . They have lost all their female characteristics . They are more like males than females .

    Look at the women in saudi arabia and places where this feminist ideas has not reached .

    In a survey about 85% of saudi women supported the current guardian system in KSA .

    They are the most happy women . Just look at their life style . Their husbands treat them as queens and they have range of facilities at their door step and they don't even have to work and earn .

    Once again let me remind you . There can be only one captain of the ship . The feminist theory of equality is absurd . Islam has given women equal status in a very logical and appropriate fashion according to their biological and social structure unlike the feminist equality . But , unfortunately the judgement and the mindset of the western muslim women have been clouded by this so called " feminist equality " . They refuse to acknowledge their husbands as the head of the households . In Islam , women cannot be leaders , they can only be advisers and consultants but muslim women of the west keep on persisting the absurd idea of feminist equality .

    May ALLAH help these muslim women of the west and other muslim women around the world where this feminist mindset has replaced the islamic ideas of marriage and equality .

  74. @ Lala

    Assalamu alaykum,

    I have made my point clear. If people follow or not, it is not my look out. My duty is only to make the message clear.

    I do not want to make you understand anything anymore.

    Your posts lack sincerity of purpose. And when I do not see that in a man or a woman, it really puts me off.

    So, yeah, I stop. You may go on arguing with people.

    There is something in Islam which is Destiny: When they are destined, these 30+ sisters will get married.

    Why make marriage such huge issue? Like everything in muqaddar will surely be given, same is with marriage.

    Those who have no good work today, who do not feel the seriousness of life and how short this life is to deliver the message of Allah and turn in to repentance before Qiyamah, they will argue and waste time and I do not want to be a part of it anymore.

    Insha Allah I have a lot of people to convey the messages of Allah before I die, so I take your leave with kindness.

    Salaam.
    Your brother,
    Munib.

    • @ Munib

      God help those who help them selves . Sitting ideally and hoping that something will happen from the sky is pretty unrealistic and ridiculous

      You will only get things for which you have worked hard for . End of story

      • @ Lala,

        Until and unless men and women do not turn to revelations of Allah. And by this I mean young and old, parents and children, until and unless we do not look what kind of men and women we should be in Islam and not in our cultures, I see all your ideas, thoughts, discussions to be in vain without any result.

        All results lie in living the Qur'an. Whether you call it realistic or unrealistic. For me it is very realistic to try and live the Qur'an in life. So whosoever will may choose the Straight Path, and none can do that unless Allah wills.

        He is the fount of Fear, He is the fount of Mercy.

        Salaam,
        Munib.

  75. i dis agree lala you cant make it seem like its ok to commit zina coz there are no good muslimahs available thats just shaytaans mentality if so then we might asell all commit zina. why should it be ok to say that men are humans for goodness sake? we are humans too but im not gona go commit zina no no it is haraam Allah has warned us to stay away from it should we not obey and fear our lord? you think only muslim men face problems ? we women too are in difficulty ..... you speak as if earth was created for men alone like its all about them everything else is there to pllease them example we women are only needed to be obediant and for sexual pleasure what about us women dont we have rights or needs? marriage is 50/50 but few years later most men cheat on their wife while she was obediant obeyed what about her did she not deserve a man who cud be faithful? your mindset is somehow corrupted. women need to be respected the prohpet s.a.w said be kind to women pls he knows why he said that....ok here i agree with lala face reality most men with money desire young women they are beautiful fun cute and exciting and for those older women you should have married when you were young that was more important then any studies as marriage fufills half of your imaan. yes so they say..... HYPOCRITES.....they dont want highly independent women but just a few years later they blame us saying we are lazy sitting whole day at home doing noting enjoying life while they are struggling....

  76. Ameen to your dua sister - if we only followed Islam and not culture then we would solve these problems. Additionally, kindness, understanding and general adaab is lacking in this Ummah so when you observe a soft-hearted Muslim you appreciate it more. The Prophet SAW had the best adab and was the kindness and we should strive to emulate him in all aspects of our lives - not just one or two but all. We shoud also try to be more understanding of each other. I pray that is something (along with education) which will be restored to us!
    Ameen

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor
    x

  77. This post has receieved some interesting comments MashaAllah, many of which offer some great advice. As there are now nearly 200 comments, this post is now closed to further comments. There are many other new posts published so lets not use time debating on older posts. JazkumuAllah khair to those who commented.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor