Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Lost my virginity and I’m ashamed and tormented

date rape drugs poster %photoQuestion:

Salam to All-- I am a Muslim American who has lived in the U.S my entire life.

My Parents are both very strong Muslims, however I was never very close with them and rarely if ever got any advice from them. I grew up in a very Christian Community and didn't have many friends of the Islamic faith. Never the less, I was a good kid.

However, when I was 16 years old, I got pressured to going to a party with some friends.. somethings entered my body which impaired my common sense and motor skills. That horrific night, i had my innocence stolen from me. All i could do was cry and shake uncontrolably. I was unaware about what happens when you lose your virginity, i was very uneducated about this matter, so when i was bleeding i was told that there was something disgusting about it, and so i thought it was not normal.

Since that day i have not been the same happy, care-free girl i used to be. Every single day i am ashamed and tormented with the events of that night. This has become even more of an issue over the last year and a half.. you see, i am to be married to the most amazing man, my best friend. He is also Muslim and MashAllah we are so good together. There is just that little detail about me i have failed to mention.

I feel as a Virgin. I don't want this horrible nightmare to become WHO I am. I want all of me for my fiance, and i would give up anything to change the events of that night. That was 3 and a half years ago by the way. I want to tell my future husband, but i feel it will do nothing but hurt him, and i don't want to tell him because that night does not make me who i am. It is not fair. I am so lost. I know this may sound a bit dramatic, but i can literally feel my heart ache. I have no one in this world to turn to, so I am hoping for some advice---Inshallah some understanding from you all.

I know it was a horrible thing i let happen. How was i to know that would occur? Please Help.

- Lost Girl

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I am very sorry for the horrible situation that you allowed yourself to get into. I think part of getting over the trauma is to recognize how this came about. First, you say your parents are very religious, but it sounds as if they felt content to be religious themselves, but did not do all they could to shelter you and ensure you yourself grew up a strong practicing Muslimah. It is a huge challenge to raise Muslim children in the United States. If you were not close with them and rarely got advice, if they did not bring in other Muslim girls so you could have playmates of your own religion, if they allowed you to go to a party unchaperoned at the age of sixteen, then this does not sound to me that they took care of you as they should have. They will have to answer to Allah for their shortcomings in raising you.

At the age of sixteen, you were susceptible to peer pressure. This is a huge lesson for all young Muslims out there - peer pressure is dangerous and stupid, and many young people find it impossible to resist. Since you did not have a family member in whom to confide, and no strong Muslim role models, you were even in a worse state. But you must take responsibility for what you did - you went to a party knowing it was wrong, and you ingested a mind-altering drug. Whether you took it voluntarily or someone slipped it into a drink, you yourself went to the party. But of course, you could not have guessed the consequences of that night.

What happened to you was rape. Pure and simple. If a man takes advantage of a woman when she is under the influence, and unable to defend herself or refuse, then this is a violation. You have of course been traumatized by this, and the situation is worse because you were a virgin, and this is something that can never be returned to you. I recommend you talk in confidence with a counselor of some sort, a social worker who is trained in such things. Talking through the trauma with a professional can help you to see that what happened to you was a crime, and that the man who did this to you is a criminal. Even though there is no chance he can be prosecuted, you can learn that regardless of what you did to put yourself in harms way, he was the one who chose to abuse you and he is 100% responsible for this. Do this before you get married, and try to put your mind at rest.

The other way you can help heal from this is to turn to Allah. Sometimes life's lessons are so harsh, yet the door to repentance and healing are always open. Ask Allah to forgive your parents for failing to bring you up in the best way; ask Allah to forgive you for engaging in incorrect behavior. Promise Allah that you will do better, and dedicate yourself to improving your life. Pray the five daily prayers, fast as much as you like, find other good Muslimah sisters to spend time with. Attend study groups at your mosque, listen to lectures online, busy yourself with learning as much as you can about your deen. Also, I encourage you to do volunteer charity work, such as helping in a soup kitchen, or even working with rape victims, as your empathy can help another woman heal from this trauma. Keep busy and fill your life with good deeds.

I am glad that you have found a good Muslim man to marry, inshAllah. I am of two opinions as to how you should approach him on this. First, I should remind you that since you are not yet married, he is not mahram to you and it is not permissible for you to be alone with him, hold hands, kiss, and the like. The fact that you have developed such closeness to him before marriage tells me that you have perhaps not followed the Islamic injunctions against men and women mixing. I urge you and him to adhere to Islamic manners and make sure you are not alone together from here on out.

Obviously, when a woman loses her virginity, sometimes there is bleeding due to the rupturing of the hymen, and on your wedding night this may be absent. If you choose not to tell him of your past, he may or may not realize anything, because some women do not have bleeding or he may not be aware of what happens. If this is the case and you think he will not notice, I would say that you should not say anything, because Allah has covered up your situation and it may be better for you not to uncover it.

Please read this fatwa on uncovering sins:

Boasting About Sins

Basically, Allah has covered your sins (not the sin of the actual sexual act, as that was rape and you were not responsible, being under the influence) so you should not uncover your sins. What happened is in the past, and you have repented from that. Also, you do not know if your fiance will react in a strong manner and reject you.

If you think he can understand and accept what has happened, then you can tell him, but you should be very brief, and not give too many details. You can tell him that you were at a gathering and that you were assaulted, as was the case. Indeed, it's not like you were a party girl sleeping with a different guy every night. If he fears Allah and he cares for you, inshAllah he will have compassion for you and this will not affect how he sees you. From where I sit, not knowing him, it is impossible for me to know.

Think about the entire situation, and think about him, and then decide what you do. This issue of virginity is a tricky one, and therefore I can't just say tell or don't tell because even a rational man can act in an irrational manner when told something like this. Perhaps you can pray salat al istakhara for whatever you decide, and if your heart is at rest with the decision, then go forward.

I will make du'a for you. You have your whole life ahead of you and as you say, you do not want this one night to define who you are. If you concentrate on making yourself the best person you can be NOW, then you can heal from this trauma and have a good healthy life, and inshAllah you will be in Jannah with all the believers.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com


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31 Responses »

  1. sister you shouldnt be ashamed.
    Its the person who sexually assaulted who should fear Allah and be deeply ashamed. I cant even imagine how horrific it must have been, but dont blame yourself. Its now a part of your history, but its not something that defines you as a woman. You should never take personal blame for someone else's actions sister.

    The truth is always the best medecine. I am not sure islamically on this case- but personally, the truth opens door to communication, telling your fiance about your past is important becuase you have him to lean on. If he cant handle it, then that tells you how supportive he will be in the future. This is a good test to see if he truly cares about you as a person. You need him to understand you and love you for who you are, and this is a part of your history that he has to accept.

    Inshallah sister, just pray that Allah heals your wounds from this situation. As well, there are many sexual assault hotlines and services in your area that you can talk to about this, because it does shake you up.

    I know i am a stranger, but If you need anymore support sister, let me know and maybe i can help you find resources or just someone to talk to.
    Take care

    • Thanks for your comments Sam, it's all good advice you have given.

    • i have some advice on where you stood then, but that was a year ago, can you tell me how things have proceeded so i can see if my advice would still be appropriate?

    • assallamalekum warehmatuaallahi wabaraqatu

      Sister,i feel pity on u and i feel very sorry for what has happened to u because of your mistake.

      But its quite natural in all human beings.you see,my own best and truest friend had experienced the same thing which has been happened with you when she was only seventeen.My friend and me are too muslims and we both can understand your problems tough we are strangers.

      Well i will say u the same thing that i have told to my friend.Dont thimnk about past, live in present and drem of a good future.

      Wish u a happy married life.

  2. Assalamualaikum

    As per my opinion, it is better to tell the truth before you'll marry him...honesty is the best policy as they say.
    it's better to know the consequences now than to deal with it after. it maybe complicated ...but if the guy really loves you, he will accept whoever you are..

    increase your faith by doing the obligatory prayers and ask Allah for guidance coz he alone can help us with all our problems. there's no looking back...it maybe a mistake but u canot correct another mistake by not telling him the truth...you cannot bring back the past..it happened...so it happened..ask Allah for forgiveness and help and to guide you.

    masalama

  3. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    I am very sorry for the horrible situation that you allowed yourself to get into. I think part of getting over the trauma is to recognize how this came about. First, you say your parents are very religious, but it sounds as if they felt content to be religious themselves, but did not do all they could to shelter you and ensure you yourself grew up a strong practicing Muslimah. It is a huge challenge to raise Muslim children in the United States. If you were not close with them and rarely got advice, if they did not bring in other Muslim girls so you could have playmates of your own religion, if they allowed you to go to a party unchaperoned at the age of sixteen, then this does not sound to me that they took care of you as they should have. They will have to answer to Allah for their shortcomings in raising you.

    At the age of sixteen, you were susceptible to peer pressure. This is a huge lesson for all young Muslims out there - peer pressure is dangerous and stupid, and many young people find it impossible to resist. Since you did not have a family member in whom to confide, and no strong Muslim role models, you were even in a worse state. But you must take responsibility for what you did - you went to a party knowing it was wrong, and you ingested a mind-altering drug. Whether you took it voluntarily or someone slipped it into a drink, you yourself went to the party. But of course, you could not have guessed the consequences of that night.

    What happened to you was rape. Pure and simple. If a man takes advantage of a woman when she is under the influence, and unable to defend herself or refuse, then this is a violation. You have of course been traumatized by this, and the situation is worse because you were a virgin, and this is something that can never be returned to you. I recommend you talk in confidence with a counselor of some sort, a social worker who is trained in such things. Talking through the trauma with a professional can help you to see that what happened to you was a crime, and that the man who did this to you is a criminal. Even though there is no chance he can be prosecuted, you can learn that regardless of what you did to put yourself in harms way, he was the one who chose to abuse you and he is 100% responsible for this. Do this before you get married, and try to put your mind at rest.

    The other way you can help heal from this is to turn to Allah. Sometimes life's lessons are so harsh, yet the door to repentance and healing are always open. Ask Allah to forgive your parents for failing to bring you up in the best way; ask Allah to forgive you for engaging in incorrect behavior. Promise Allah that you will do better, and dedicate yourself to improving your life. Pray the five daily prayers, fast as much as you like, find other good Muslimah sisters to spend time with. Attend study groups at your mosque, listen to lectures online, busy yourself with learning as much as you can about your deen. Also, I encourage you to do volunteer charity work, such as helping in a soup kitchen, or even working with rape victims, as your empathy can help another woman heal from this trauma. Keep busy and fill your life with good deeds.

    I am glad that you have found a good Muslim man to marry, inshAllah. I am of two opinions as to how you should approach him on this. First, I should remind you that since you are not yet married, he is not mahram to you and it is not permissible for you to be alone with him, hold hands, kiss, and the like. The fact that you have developed such closeness to him before marriage tells me that you have perhaps not followed the Islamic injunctions against men and women mixing. I urge you and him to adhere to Islamic manners and make sure you are not alone together from here on out.

    Obviously, when a woman loses her virginity, sometimes there is bleeding due to the rupturing of the hymen, and on your wedding night this may be absent. If you choose not to tell him of your past, he may or may not realize anything, because some women do not have bleeding or he may not be aware of what happens. If this is the case and you think he will not notice, I would say that you should not say anything, because Allah has covered up your situation and it may be better for you not to uncover it.

    Please read this fatwa on uncovering sins:

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/boasting-about-sins/

    Basically, Allah has covered your sins ( not the sin of the actual sexual act, as that was rape and you were not responsible, being under the influence) so you should not uncover your sins. What happened is in the past, and you have repented from that. Also, you do not know if your fiance will react in a strong manner and reject you.

    If you think he can understand and accept what has happened, then you can tell him, but you should be very brief, and not give too many details. You can tell him that you were at a gathering and that you were assaulted, as was the case. Indeed, it's not like you were a party girl sleeping with a different guy every night. If he fears Allah and he cares for you, inshAllah he will have compassion for you and this will not affect how he sees you. From where I sit, not knowing him, it is impossible for me to know.

    Think about the entire situation, and think about him, and then decide what you do. This issue of virginity is a tricky one, and therefore I can't just say tell or don't tell because even a rational man can act in an irrational manner when told something like this. Perhaps you can pray salat al istakhara for whatever you decide, and if your heart is at rest with the decision, then go forward.

    I will make du'a for you. You have your whole life ahead of you and as you say, you do not want this one night to define who you are. If you concentrate on making yourself the best person you can be NOW, then you can heal from this trauma and have a good healthy life, and inshAllah you will be in Jannah with all the believers.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • I do think it's important to discuss situational awareness - in other words, not putting yourself in haram situations or potentially dangerous situations - so that other young people can avoid the same mistake.

      But I want to make it clear to the young sister that in bringing that up, we are not blaming her. What happened to her was a violation of her rights and a crime, and she should feel no blame or shame.

      As far as telling her fiancee, that's a tough one. Some men will not be able to accept the fact that someone else took her virginity, even if it was rape. Some more enlightened men will claim to understand and be okay with it, but secretly it will bother them. In Islam we are taught to be truthful, not to lie, and to accept the consequences of honesty. However, in this situation I think the best course of action is silence. Don't tell him. If your wedding night comes and he questions the absence of bleeding, you can tell him that you lost it due to sports, and you can honestly swear that you have never committed zinaa or had sexual intercourse, because rape is not intercourse.

  4. Salaam sister. I would recommend seeing a counsellor if and when you can to assist your recovery, because you can have flashbacks etc when you have your next sexual experience - and you may start to make unhealthy associations with sex which can interfere with your marriage.

    Second, many men find that kind of information hard to deal with, but they find secrets even harder to deal with. I would say its better to let him know before you get married. I am sure he will be OK with it and that he will understand - a lot of men do. I know many girls who have been assaulted in their youth and they are all in loving marriages with good men who knew what they had been through. If you tell him after marriage he may feel like you "kept secrets" from him - and this hurts men, it really does.

    MaSalaama

    • Leyla, I agree that getting counseling is important. The sister really needs it. But I wish I shared your faith that "he will understand." But maybe, as you said, it is a test for him.

      • Salaam,

        I think it's important Wael, because she may be sexually affected by this and the man needs to be aware of what she has been through so he can understand her reactions. If you keep secrets from your husband, then you will never have honesty and closeness and it will come out years later in a blazing row and then he will feel as if he never even knew you and become angry with you.

        I sincerely believe that you can't keep secrets from your husband - it will backfire. If he understands, mashaAllah, and if he doesn't elhamdulilah, he can either learn to accept it or move on, but we should not be dependent on falsehood to find loving marriage - we should find it in truth, honesty and trust.

        Peace,

  5. Wow Im really dissapointed in our muslim sisters, Im a male muslim 22 years old and hold virginity in high regards. Im still a virgin, I know what you are thinking oh he probably never had a girl. Well thats incorrect forget the girls who cam in my life Ive had women drop thier clothes off and beg me and I wanted to each time but for some reason with Allah’s SWT grace i felt ashamed and never did it. I’ve had my freinds mothers seduce me and grab my private areas, I mean it’s partly my falt for revealing my body through tight shirts but I worked out so hard i wanted to flaunt it. But Alhamdullillah Allah SWT kept me safe from it and filled me with so much shame that i no longer wear tight shirts or walk around shirtless. Inshallah I pray all the men and women in our community realize the importance of virginity. It’s difficult I know but I pray every day that I keep it until I mary and I also ask for a ife who is pure since I am as well. I no longer socialize with women, I always had respect for female muslims, never stare, approached, and talked. All out of respect of my faith yet they walk around engaging in Zina with muslim men and then the most extreme white, spanish and black men. Disgusting you leave your people to feel better of yourself. Here are the facts 98% of non muslims will not marry you even if you gave your virginity. Girls are dumb guys use and abuse them, then the girls just to get back become tramps and thena re addicted. I say I am glad Allah SWT made a promise those who are pure will recieve pure, those who are filth will recieve filt, that is his promise and you will have a husband who fllth. You deserve it for abandoning Islam and your culture, the thing we stress the most and you can not handle that. You sisters cause so much stress for us pure muslims the rare few and I hope Inshallah I dont have a daughter I do not want this stress on me. I am old school I was born and raisd in New York yet embrace the old thought because those were people of honor and the rest are of disgrace. You women should worry about our lord watching you engage in such acts. DO NOT tell me its hard, I am a damn good looking guy and am constantly seduced and am very charming I can talk a girl in to anthing. I have control why dont you. You wanna say Im extreme fine but remember this islam applies to all aspects, because of all you tramp females, i am considering asking a sikh girl for marriage whom I have known all my life because she is pure and stayed away from men, she likes me a lot her eyes tell it and the way she acts around me. I will try to convert her otherwis it is a no go and catch this out of a 10 she is a 6 but I do not care I want a person who is beautiful on the inside. Marry for money and our lord will embarass you more and more, marry for loks and he will make you uglier day by day, marry for religion nothing else. I hate all of you sisters out there who engage in such activities, including the men who take our sisters honor you scumbags, but its more the women’s fault you hand a guy anything on a silver platter he will take it. All you sister’s I hope your freind who took your virginity was worth it because it will bother and haunt you all your life unles youve become a real tramp by than there is no hope. So screww you dirt bag sisters, if you saw the face and bosy Allah gave me Mashallah you would want me but Inshallah my faith will prevail and more of you disgraceful sister’s will end up with black guys who use abuse impregante you and leave you that is your born right

  6. Wow - 'Dissapointed',

    What an ugly person you must be, I find you extremely unattractive, judgemental, arrogant, disrespectful, foul mouthed and rascist; and I've never even met you.

    Your being able to keep yourself 'pure' has obviously made you so 'proud and arrogant'. So you may be a virgin thus physically pure, but what about your heart? Its seems to be stained black with arrogance.

    Being pure and humble is attractive. But being pure and arrogant is ugly beyond comprehension.

    I'd rather marry a brother who has committed sins but regrets so much that he has become humble and is now dedicated to Allah's path.

    If Allah has enabled us to abstain from committing sin, we should be thanking Him immensely, because He has bestowed His Great Mercy on us. We should be asking Allah to continue protecting us and we should pray for our brothers and sisters who have been afflicted by evil and furthermore do our best to help them.

    I would like to remind you of the story of the two gardens in Surah Kahf, in which Allah(swt) shows us how the arrogance of one man brought him major down fall. This man revelled in pompous pride and arrogance at the spendour of his garden, he did not attribute this success to Allah(swt), furthermore he looked down upon others who appeared to be poorer than him.

    What this foolish man did not realise was that although he had a beautiful garden, he was in fact the one who was terribly poor, because of his arrogance. And those who appeared to be 'poor' due to having less money, were in fact very rich, as they believed in Allah and were humble and kind.

    One morning when this man awoke, he found his garden had been destoyed completely. He had lost his life's works, source of income, joy and pride!! Just imagine, how it would feel if you built a house from scratch and the next day it was destoyed by a hurricane - how terrible one would feel. But look at the Beauty of Allah(swt), even through His punishment was a blessing in disguise for this man - as now he finally realised his error, repented and turned back to Allah. If he hadnt suffered loss, he may never have repented and would have carried on sinning through arrogance. And if he had never been arrogant in the first place, he may never have had to suffer the terrible loss.

    So 'Dissapointed' - as a Muslim sister, I will strongly advise you to humble yourself immediately before Allah(swt) puts something terrible in your way (due to your arrogance, judgemental attitude, disrespectful and foul manner of speech and prejudical/rascist comments) in order make you become to humble.

    Furthermore:
    Narrated Ibn 'Abbas(ra): I did not see anything so resembling minor sins as what Abu Huraira(ra) said from the Prophet(saw), who said,"Allah has written for the son of Adam his inevitable share of adultery whether he is aware of it or not: The adultery of the eye is the looking (at something which is sinful to look at) and the adultery of the tongue is to utter (what it is unlawful to utter), and the innerself wishes and longs for (adultery) and the private parts turn that into reality or refrain from submitting to the temptation."

    (Book #77, Hadith #609 Bukhari)

    Narrated Jarir bin 'Abdullah: Allah's Apostle said, "Allah will not be merciful to those who are not merciful to mankind."

    May Allah save us all from arrogance, lust, greed, anger, laziness, pride and everything evil. Aameen

    • Sister Z you are correct I was very judgemental, but why shouldn't i be I understand people make mistakes, I feel these stains of others on my soul, he who is hurt by other muslims pain or sins is a muslim. If you do not feel the burden of our brothers and sisters than perhaps you should begin to think about it. I unlike the man in the garden have attributed each time that it is our lord the most loving who has kept me from the sin. But then you sisters want good husband's maybe you guys should reconsider. I dont need to be attractive for you, If you saw me on the street you would not stop staring at me so how ould you know who I am. I live in New York and these white women can't stop staring what do you find yourself immune.
      I have given muslim girls so much rpect growing up as a child, I could have taken half the girls virginity in my muslim community. As for pride I do admit I have some and it is wrong, But I pride not in materialistic stuff, My family is extremly wealthy Alhamdulillah and our Lord has blessed us imensly, anything we want my father, brothers, and I it materializes. Allah has given us everyting and I thank him but the one thing he has given us that makes me proud is our care for those wronged, hurt by others. Altthough I do not care about others sins the only thing that bothers us is the promiscuisness in our people as of lately> Marrigaes will be corrputed, men and women will no longer be able to keep one partner as they were in the habit of sleeping with many, Our future generations will be corrupted, if you can not refrain than why wil your childre, it is this media and feminist crap destroying our people. WOmen were never meant to have power, all brothers have you heard the famus quote "any an who marries a feminist is not worth obeying." A woman who finds herself empowered is deadly to our very way of life as they will think they are immune. If I had a sister who was liek that I would have taken her to pakistan and threw her onto the streets. You women can never be independednt, you are weak in financial matters, you are weak providers, you can not defend yourself infront of aggresors. But yet you act tough with your husband's. The women of the past were greater than the owme of today including brothers.
      But let us not forget that my facts although distorted are not incorrect. For our own lord likes men better than women and you can check ladies its proven. He likes us because we spend of pur property to rovide our children and othrs. Men are the greatest donaters, even wgen it comes to family now a days if a man can not provide and his wife is she will leave him claiming she is superior. WOmen are selfish beings who feed on the flaws of others that is why they will be the fuel for hell, all they can do is talk and lie btu never actually prve anything. Women care for only themselves, they hold deep grudges even against their husband, you sister Z are wrong and right. And so am I, yes my attitude may be aggressive but what do you want me to do love all the skank sisters they should die the sooner the better. Im not racist but seing muslim girls having sex with dirtbag races thats sad, SOme sisters are so filthy they engage in multiple partners at once. Women are weak and just as Eve did they attempt to pull men into hell. Allah warned men that women, his children, and money will ull him onto hell the number one word was women. Women only like drama in life they are the greatest burden on muslim men.

  7. 'Disappointed' - Its been a while since I read this post of yours. Most of me just could not be bothered to waste my efforts in replying to the utter rubbish that you have written. But part of me thought - 'No, I should reply, as maybe, just maybe Allah will cause some of my words to make some sense to you'. Furthermore I believe the following statement of yours requires extreme correction.

    You said: For our own lord likes men better than women and you can check ladies its proven. He likes us because we spend of pur property to rovide our children and othrs. Men are the greatest donaters, even wgen it comes to family now a days if a man can not provide and his wife is she will leave him claiming she is superior. WOmen are selfish beings who feed on the flaws of others that is why they will be the fuel for hell, all they can do is talk and lie btu never actually prve anything. Women care for only themselves, they hold deep grudges even against their husband,

    Allah (swt) has already told us about the status of men and women in various places in the Glorious Quran - and it is very clear, for the men and women of understanding. So who are you to make such an accusation against Allah(swt)? Read below:

    Surah Al-Imran
    194. "Our Lord! Grant us what You promised unto us through Your Messengers and disgrace us not on the Day of Resurrection, for You never break (Your) Promise."

    195. So their Lord accepted of them (their supplication and answered them), "Never will I allow to be lost the work of any of you, be he male or female. You are (members) one of another, so those who emigrated and were driven out from their homes, and suffered harm in My Cause, and who fought, and were killed (in My Cause), verily, I will remit from them their evil deeds and admit them into Gardens under which rivers flow (in Paradise); a reward from Allah, and with Allah is the best of rewards."

    Surah An Nisa
    124. And whoever does righteous good deeds, male or female, and is a true believer in the Oneness of Allah (Muslim), such will enter Paradise and not the least injustice, even to the size of a Naqara (speck on the back of a date stone), will be done to them.

    Surah Al Ahzab
    35. Verily, the Muslims (those who submit to Allah in Islam) men and women, the believers men and women (who believe in Islamic Monotheism), the men and the women who are obedient (to Allah), the men and women who are truthful (in their speech and deeds), the men and the women who are patient (in performing all the duties which Allah has ordered and in abstaining from all that Allah has forbidden), the men and the women who are humble (before their Lord Allah), the men and the women who give Sadaqat (i.e. Zakat, and alms, etc.), the men and the women who observe Saum (fast) (the obligatory fasting during the month of Ramadan, and the optional Nawafil fasting), the men and the women who guard their chastity (from illegal sexual acts) and the men and the women who remember Allah much with their hearts and tongues (while sitting, standing, lying, etc. for more than 300 times extra over the remembrance of Allah during the five compulsory congregational prayers) or praying extra additional Nawafil prayers of night in the last part of night, etc.) Allah has prepared for them forgiveness and a great reward (i.e. Paradise).

    With regards to the story of Adam and Hawa (peace be upon them both), you seem to follow the Biblical view in saying that Hawa enticed Adam. Have you not read the following verse in the Quran which shows that both Adam and Hawa were equally to blame: Read below:

    Surah Al A'raf - Verses 20-22
    The devil whispered to them, in order to reveal their bodies, which were invisible to them. He said, "Your Lord did not forbid you from this tree, except to prevent you from becoming angels, and from attaining eternal existence." He swore to them, "I am giving you good advice." He thus duped them with lies. As soon as they tasted the tree, their bodies became visible to them, and they tried to cover themselves with the leaves of Paradise. Their Lord called upon them: "Did I not enjoin you from that tree, and warn you that the devil is your most ardent enemy?"

    The above ayahs are just a few of the clear evidences that men and women are equal infront of Allah(swt).

    You seem to have some extremely deep rooted issues and insecurities with regards to women. Maybe you have had a bad experience, why paint all women with the same brush? Throughout your article, you have made bold and generalised statements. You have claimed that men give more in charity, that women rip off their husbands, that they flaw on others, hold grudges etc etc. Your list is endless and quite shocking. The roles of men and women are different, men are the main bread winners, women are the main house keepers, the roles maybe different. But this does not devalue either's role.

    You go on to say:
    WOmen were never meant to have power, all brothers have you heard the famus quote "any an who marries a feminist is not worth obeying." A woman who finds herself empowered is deadly to our very way of life as they will think they are immune. If I had a sister who was liek that I would have taken her to pakistan and threw her onto the streets. You women can never be independednt, you are weak in financial matters, you are weak providers, you can not defend yourself infront of aggresors. But yet you act tough with your husband's. The women of the past were greater than the owme of today including brothers.

    Seriously - what are you on? Yes, there have been many great women in the past (as you suprisingly admit). There are also many great women in the present too. Have you not heard of Sisters like Yvonne Ridley, Naima Roberts etc. Have you not heard of your mother? Your sister? And all the mothers and sisters of the world? So you would throw your sister on the streets if she sinned? What if she repented? And who are you to judge anyway? What if you sinned? Would you want to be thrown on the streets? I am deliberately not saying much here 'Disappointed', because I have pasted many ayahs from the Quran above and if they are not melting your heardened heart, then what can my mere words do?

    You also said:
    And so am I, yes my attitude may be aggressive but what do you want me to do love all the skank sisters they should die the sooner the better. Im not racist but seing muslim girls having sex with dirtbag races thats sad, SOme sisters are so filthy they engage in multiple partners at once. Women are weak and just as Eve did they attempt to pull men into hell. Allah warned men that women, his children, and money will ull him onto hell the number one word was women. Women only like drama in life they are the greatest burden on muslim men.

    What exactly do you mean by 'dirtbag races'? Who are you referring to? Reading your words has made me shiver and feel fear for you 'Disppointed'. Your words are disgusting and so is your disrespect of women. You love yourself with no bounds. You have made rascist, sexist, illiterate and highly offensive remarks. We all go through difficulties, sins, mistakes, errors etc, but that is part of life. Allah has made us human - we are INSAAN. Insaan, comes from the word Nasiyah which means 'to forget' - this is human nature. We are programmed to err and to also repent and to turn to Allah(swt).

    If you really want to better the world you live in - change your attitude. Start adopting traits of our beloved and nobel Prophet(pbuh), implore Allah to make you humble and to give you compassion. Then use this compassion to help brothers and sisters who have fallen in to error and help to prevent others from falling into error.

    You went on and on about your good looks and how I would not be able to resist from looking at you. 'Disappointed', if you are good looking, this is from Allah - maashAllah. But maybe if you were not so good looking, you'd be humble. Looks are superficial and once a person's ugly character is revealed (which doesnt always take long), the external appearance turns ugly too - no matter how 'model' looking one is. Would you not rather be complimented on having a pious kind natured character, than just on your external appearance.

    I could have picked on each of your sentences but is it really worth my time? How do you know, there may be a sinner who has repented immensely and Allah has forgiven her and blessed her with Jannah while you are busy in foolishly bad mouthing the one who has now re-gained purity. You are doing injustice to no-one but your own soul. Judge yourself (and better yourself) - before it is time for Allah to judge you.

    You said:
    But let us not forget that my facts although distorted are not incorrect.

    'Disappointed' - do you know what 'distorted' means? According to the Dictionary.com, 'distorted' means: to twist awry or out of shape; make crooked or deformed. AND: to give a false, perverted, or disproportionate meaning to; misrepresent: to distort the facts. So, yes this statement is a good summary of your entire distorted post.

    May Allah give you and all of us wisdom and save us from such Jaahil thoughts.
    SisterZ

  8. MashaAllah Sister Z, you are so right in everything that you are saying to this man.

    I pray that God bless Disappointed and grant him peace and humility in his heart for whomever has an atoms worth of arrogance in his heart will not enter Jennah, and God bless Sister Z for having the patience to act as reminder to this man of his deen.

    Peace,
    L

  9. Salaam disappointed,

    You are a hate preacher, and the subject of your hate is women - for why I do not know, but as an advisor on this site I can only advise that you see a counsellor, as your hatred and anger toward women is very very strong and this indicates to me a problem. It is not normal behaviour to visit websites that are designed for helping people, and to spend your time there spewing abuse and hatred.

    I would only expect that kind of behaviour from a pretend Muslim, trying to make Islam look bad on a site designed to assist people.

    "You will see the believers in their mutual kindness, love and sympathy just like one body. When a limb complains the whole body responds to it with wakefulness and fever. (Bukhari/Muslim)

    I sincerely pray that you find peace in your heart brother, because hate and anger are horrible feelings for someone to feel, and I am sorry for you that you have those terrible feelings in your heart which should be full of mercy for your brothers and sisters in Islam, and full of fear of Allah who is recording your every word and deed, peace be with you today and every day,

    Peace,
    Leyla

  10. Disappointed: at times you restrict yourself to quoting Quran and hadith, and when you do that you are on partially safe ground even though your interpretations are faulty. At other times you go off into your own twisted opinions, declaring women to be traitorous, worthless, untrustworthy, etc. Obviously you have been mistreated or betrayed by a woman at some point and you have decided that all women are not to be trusted, and you are seeking validation from this in Islam.

    You will not find validation of your hateful attitudes in Islam. In many places in the Quran, Allah declares that human beings were created in the most perfect manner. That includes men and women. Allah also assures us that the good deeds of all human beings, men and women, are not lost. Women are creatures of free will, gifted by Allah with a soul, a conscience and the pure fitrah, just like men. You cannot deny this.

    I find that you have a lot of hatred toward women, and this is a sign of faulty character in a Muslim. These are your sisters in Islam. Allah tells us that those who hate His servants will be hated by Allah.

    You referred to one person here as a "douche bag." That is disgusting and you should be ashamed. You are not a representation of a Muslim. Before pointing fingers, you need to take a long look at yourself in the mirror. And I agree with Leyla that you need professional help in order to deal with your distorted emotions.

    I am not going to ban you from this site just yet. I am giving you this one single warning to moderate your tone and speak to your brothers and sisters with respect. If you cannot, you will be banned from this website.

  11. 'Dissapointed' - may Allah give you lots of hidaayah and mercy - Aameen.

    SisterZ

    • Wow sister, I cannot begin to explain about how inspired I am about your words. MashAllah your knowledge is excellent, which kinda' makes me feel ashamed about the lack of mine. Sister I want to look into Islam much deeper and I wish to become a pious muslim woman. In the small community I live in, it is extremely hard to find someone to speak to and ask for help from. I was wondering if you could help me and InshAllah help me to be who I want to be. I would feel indebted to you. Please try and get in touch. JazakhAllah

      • Rima,

        JazakhAllah, acquiring knowledge is the easy part, implenting it positively is what makes it valuable in your life. So I am still learning myself and have a very long way to go. But I would feel blessed to help you as much as Allah allows me. I will email you.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  12. salam everyone

    I just want to say how shocked, disgusted and scandalized I am by "Disappointed"'s comments. I don't think I've ever seen such an arrogant, hateful person. And on top of everything he is incredibly ignorant of his own religion. The guy has absolutely no freaking idea what he's talking about. The brothers and sisters are right : you need help. I pity you. I do.

  13. As-salamu alaykum,

    Maybe sins can be forgiven but as a man, I feel for the man who you are going to marry or have married already. I think you should be honest about this issue to who ever you will marry. If you and your partner will be psychologically ok with it, you will live a happy life. Otherwise you can lie to him, or cheat by doing surgical hymen reconstruction which many sisters do. The latter for which you will be judged in the after life.

    I've heard similar stories from other brothers and sisters. I realized such things happen to kids when they don't find loving bond with their parents. Another contributing factor is our over sexualized society. This is something that will happen as Armageddon nears. I am 19 now, and I know how sexualized school was. But i don't know if it bothered me too much. I guess its cuz me and my friends were interested in other stuff like football and street racing and Alhamdullillah because my bond with my extended family is very strong.

    I know pretty girls but when i think about being intimate with them before marriage. I ponder how it would have been for me if my father, brother, sister or brother did what I would do. Definitely their relationship with me would not be the way it is even if they hid such a thing from me. Then it seems so disgusting to me that I can't even think of it. I guess it varies from person to person. What bothers me is that in elementary school we are taught everything about how to have safe sex and do it when you feel its right and all that stuff, But nothing about how sexuality can change the behavior of a person in his/her family.

    What disappoints me, here I kinda share something from friend "Disappointed" is that technically we adhere to such a beautiful religion that explains identifies what is bad for us. If we just think a bit to why our religion classify a particular act as evil or a sin, we will always find a logical reasoning to our religion's position.

    But it is a fact that when you are 16 you don't know much or ponder about religion. I did not know jack about my religion at 16. So during that time it all depends on whether you do stuff that distract you away from sexuality rather than to sexuality. To me I was always busy with my family members and friends and what I found fun. Alhamdulillah my friends were not sexually active, rather we found entertainment is other stuff.

    I could not expect stumbling over such stuff while searching marriage in Islam. But its not a surprise i have known sisters who have gone through this experience, its a pity we stay silent about it in our mosques cuz i know many muslims who had sex at high school. Muslims kids are not significantly less involved compared to non-muslims kids when it comes to high school sex. I think its all about what your personality and what you value. There are alot of non muslim kids at school who save their virginity until marriage.

    Whatever happened happened, just let your future partner know regarding what happened. Whether it was consensual or rape just let him know. I think you are a realistic girl. Just be the person you are destined to be, you know yourself the best. Doing that will do a great deal of justice to the people you socialize with and bring peace to your mind.

    Selam,
    Jamil

  14. i was watching some youtube videos and they mentioned something like this, if a muslim women got raped, or lost her virginity in a way before marriage she should just keept it to herself and not tell anyone. You don't want to hurt your marriage, your husband or yourself. And that's what a lot of sheikhs said..
    I know its a late reply, but just though id mention it here.
    And it wasn't your fault. You didn't do this on purpose. Just pray to god and you'll be okay inshalla.

    • There is a huge difference between losing virginity due to zinaa or fornication on the one hand, and rape. A woman who is raped should not keep it to herself. At the very least, she should see a counselor who can help her deal with the emotional trauma. The counselor will respect her confidentiality and privacy. If she is strong enough, she should report it to the authorities so the perpetrator can be arrested and imprisoned.

      Most importantly, she must know that she is not at fault. What was done to her was a crime, and she bears no burden of sin, guilt or shame. If a woman is victimized by a crime like this and tells her husband, she should do his best to support her and let her know that she is still loved.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. I agree with the majority on here in saying that what happened to the sister was rape and that she should bear no sense of guilt or shame as it was an injustice done toward her. May Allah make easy for her this test and praise her for turning to Him for His Mercy.

    In regards to 'disappointed' I understand that living in the West has its drawbacks for men and women but to judge and presume all or the majority of women are like this is wrong. I too had the same situations as you where women were throwing themselves at me. One even booked a hotel room, and rang me numerous times in one nite Astaghfirullah. Alhamdulillah I also declined these advances and got many 'looks' by women who were attracted to me for some reason (Allah knows Best) However instead of blaming women for being weak or inferior I decided to look at myself and Alhamdulillah I changed things ABOUT MYSELF, (keeping a fistful beard) that a few years ago I would never have thought to have done. This has led to women now staring at me in a different way lol but Alhamdulillah it's made me feel better knowing that I have tried to distance myself from causing other people to sin when they looked before I kept my beard and Alhamdulillah it's been a great ' hijab' for me as well.

  16. Everyone written here is well said mas’allah. This woman was raped with no fault of her own I pray for her she gets through this difficult time and is awarded inner peace and happiness. Sisterz as written mas'allah beautiful replies.

    Disappointed you need to stop hating on women and being judgemental not all sisters are the same there are still some of us who are decent and vice vera brothers are as well and I thank Allah I don’t think like you. You are full of hate and so arrogant I pray Allah gives you mercy on your soul

  17. muslim girls should not make friendship with a non muslim boys or any other boy who force you to go for party or picnic. If you want to enjoy some parties , so always go with your parents or family. pre-M sex will always harm the women such as changes in body structure, loss of happiness etc. These things are destroying the stability of world and human being............... Our sister became the victim of voilence (rape), allah will do justice with her and that kafeer should be punished.

  18. salam alekoum to everyone..

    im a girl who convert to islam and i want to say that, happen to me similar story. when i was christian.. im not happy with my self yes im muslim now and elhamdoulillah but it still very big problem.. because i have a muslim friend a year and a half and we r in love with each other and we want to marry.. but he asked me if im virgin and i told him all the true .. he said i love u and i will be wiht u.. it looks like he forgived me.. and few days ago he didnt want to talk to me again because this reason.. he thinks what he gonna say to his mom after we marry? what about my dad? so he is scary for many reasons...

    but the thing that i know when someone convert to islam all his/her sins are forgiven from Allah.. right?

  19. If any Muslim man or woman suffers a calamity and keeps it in his memory, even if it happened a long time ago, saying each time it is remembered, 'We belong to Allah and to Him do we return,' Allah, who is Blessed and Exalted will give a fresh reward each time it is said, equivalent to the reward when it happened. (Ahmad)

  20. Omg sister I feel so sorry for you and I hope that everything is perfect in your life now please tell us how you are going now I want to know how you are

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