Lost my virginity and I’m ashamed and tormented
Salam to All-- I am a Muslim American who has lived in the U.S my entire life.
My Parents are both very strong Muslims, however I was never very close with them and rarely if ever got any advice from them. I grew up in a very Christian Community and didn't have many friends of the Islamic faith. Never the less, I was a good kid.
However, when I was 16 years old, I got pressured to going to a party with some friends.. somethings entered my body which impaired my common sense and motor skills. That horrific night, i had my innocence stolen from me. All i could do was cry and shake uncontrolably. I was unaware about what happens when you lose your virginity, i was very uneducated about this matter, so when i was bleeding i was told that there was something disgusting about it, and so i thought it was not normal.
Since that day i have not been the same happy, care-free girl i used to be. Every single day i am ashamed and tormented with the events of that night. This has become even more of an issue over the last year and a half.. you see, i am to be married to the most amazing man, my best friend. He is also Muslim and MashAllah we are so good together. There is just that little detail about me i have failed to mention.
I feel as a Virgin. I don't want this horrible nightmare to become WHO I am. I want all of me for my fiance, and i would give up anything to change the events of that night. That was 3 and a half years ago by the way. I want to tell my future husband, but i feel it will do nothing but hurt him, and i don't want to tell him because that night does not make me who i am. It is not fair. I am so lost. I know this may sound a bit dramatic, but i can literally feel my heart ache. I have no one in this world to turn to, so I am hoping for some advice---Inshallah some understanding from you all.
I know it was a horrible thing i let happen. How was i to know that would occur? Please Help.
- Lost Girl
Sister Noorah's Answer:
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
I am very sorry for the horrible situation that you allowed yourself to get into. I think part of getting over the trauma is to recognize how this came about. First, you say your parents are very religious, but it sounds as if they felt content to be religious themselves, but did not do all they could to shelter you and ensure you yourself grew up a strong practicing Muslimah. It is a huge challenge to raise Muslim children in the United States. If you were not close with them and rarely got advice, if they did not bring in other Muslim girls so you could have playmates of your own religion, if they allowed you to go to a party unchaperoned at the age of sixteen, then this does not sound to me that they took care of you as they should have. They will have to answer to Allah for their shortcomings in raising you.
At the age of sixteen, you were susceptible to peer pressure. This is a huge lesson for all young Muslims out there - peer pressure is dangerous and stupid, and many young people find it impossible to resist. Since you did not have a family member in whom to confide, and no strong Muslim role models, you were even in a worse state. But you must take responsibility for what you did - you went to a party knowing it was wrong, and you ingested a mind-altering drug. Whether you took it voluntarily or someone slipped it into a drink, you yourself went to the party. But of course, you could not have guessed the consequences of that night.
What happened to you was rape. Pure and simple. If a man takes advantage of a woman when she is under the influence, and unable to defend herself or refuse, then this is a violation. You have of course been traumatized by this, and the situation is worse because you were a virgin, and this is something that can never be returned to you. I recommend you talk in confidence with a counselor of some sort, a social worker who is trained in such things. Talking through the trauma with a professional can help you to see that what happened to you was a crime, and that the man who did this to you is a criminal. Even though there is no chance he can be prosecuted, you can learn that regardless of what you did to put yourself in harms way, he was the one who chose to abuse you and he is 100% responsible for this. Do this before you get married, and try to put your mind at rest.
The other way you can help heal from this is to turn to Allah. Sometimes life's lessons are so harsh, yet the door to repentance and healing are always open. Ask Allah to forgive your parents for failing to bring you up in the best way; ask Allah to forgive you for engaging in incorrect behavior. Promise Allah that you will do better, and dedicate yourself to improving your life. Pray the five daily prayers, fast as much as you like, find other good Muslimah sisters to spend time with. Attend study groups at your mosque, listen to lectures online, busy yourself with learning as much as you can about your deen. Also, I encourage you to do volunteer charity work, such as helping in a soup kitchen, or even working with rape victims, as your empathy can help another woman heal from this trauma. Keep busy and fill your life with good deeds.
I am glad that you have found a good Muslim man to marry, inshAllah. I am of two opinions as to how you should approach him on this. First, I should remind you that since you are not yet married, he is not mahram to you and it is not permissible for you to be alone with him, hold hands, kiss, and the like. The fact that you have developed such closeness to him before marriage tells me that you have perhaps not followed the Islamic injunctions against men and women mixing. I urge you and him to adhere to Islamic manners and make sure you are not alone together from here on out.
Obviously, when a woman loses her virginity, sometimes there is bleeding due to the rupturing of the hymen, and on your wedding night this may be absent. If you choose not to tell him of your past, he may or may not realize anything, because some women do not have bleeding or he may not be aware of what happens. If this is the case and you think he will not notice, I would say that you should not say anything, because Allah has covered up your situation and it may be better for you not to uncover it.
Please read this fatwa on uncovering sins:
Basically, Allah has covered your sins (not the sin of the actual sexual act, as that was rape and you were not responsible, being under the influence) so you should not uncover your sins. What happened is in the past, and you have repented from that. Also, you do not know if your fiance will react in a strong manner and reject you.
If you think he can understand and accept what has happened, then you can tell him, but you should be very brief, and not give too many details. You can tell him that you were at a gathering and that you were assaulted, as was the case. Indeed, it's not like you were a party girl sleeping with a different guy every night. If he fears Allah and he cares for you, inshAllah he will have compassion for you and this will not affect how he sees you. From where I sit, not knowing him, it is impossible for me to know.
Think about the entire situation, and think about him, and then decide what you do. This issue of virginity is a tricky one, and therefore I can't just say tell or don't tell because even a rational man can act in an irrational manner when told something like this. Perhaps you can pray salat al istakhara for whatever you decide, and if your heart is at rest with the decision, then go forward.
I will make du'a for you. You have your whole life ahead of you and as you say, you do not want this one night to define who you are. If you concentrate on making yourself the best person you can be NOW, then you can heal from this trauma and have a good healthy life, and inshAllah you will be in Jannah with all the believers.
Fi Aman Allah,
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