Struggling to get the courage to leave an abusive husband
Assalamu alaykum,
I have been married for few years and have young children. My husband has been abusive throughout the marriage but until recently I used to seek the fault in me. He used to make me believe that it is my fault that he shouts at me, insults me, puts me down and beats me.
I couldn't figure out what I do so wrong for him to treat me like this. I tried to please him more and more in hope that he will finally appreciate me and treat me well. Recently I felt so depressed that I knew I have to seek help. I read few books on abusive relationships and was astonished at how precisely they describe my situation. I realised that I need to save myself and my kids by leaving my husband.
I try to stay strong and I fight depression and general weakness as much as I can. It is hard because no one I know filly understands what I am going through. Well meaning people advices me to try and save the marriage. But I feel it is time for me to save myself and my deen.
I feel emotionally and physically numb and sometimes I feel as if I am living in a movie. Nothing seems real. I struggle not to think and to try to figure my husband out and his ways. Thinking about him drives me to insanity. It makes me feel as if the house is so narrow that I am going to suffocate. I know it has nothing to do with the house. I know that it is my head which my husband possesses which makes me feel as if I don't have space to even breath.
I so desperately need for at least one person to tell me that I am not crazy and he indeed does all what he is doing. His constant changing behaviour is so confusing. When he is in his good periods I feel as if him being abusive is all in my mind. But when he explodes in rage I have no doubt whatsoever of his abusive personality.
I wish someone can understand what I am going through and advice me and give me the courage to leave. I do plan to leave soon but i sometimes feel that I will fall apart before I reach this point. I have days when to go through my daily tasks seems like climbing a mountain. He keeps me so low. Every time I recover and get better he attacks me verbally or physically, or threatens me and scares me, so I will end up sick and exhausted.
I know that nothing matters except my survival. My kids need me and they need me to give them stability. Please advice me and help me through inshaAllah.
- mumina
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Assalamualaikum sister,
I know how you feel about being insane and sane with the emotional rollercoaster, walking on eggshell , and wondering what went wrong.. as far as i know maybe you are dealing with someone who have narcisstic personality ( if you still not heard maybe you can try to read about stockholm syndrome )
someone who have no experience will not fully understand what you are going through
don't try to change him just understand that he is the one who have the issue with his personalilty, its also about mind games.. if you want to leave the marriage someday don't discuss or tell him about that intention because its going to danger you emotionally and physically.. Alhamdulillah you come to this site InshAllah the brother and sister will help you through Islamic view.
Prefare to make yourself emotional and financialy stable by keep yourself busy focus on your kid, do something fun for your relax because you need that, try find a job if you are not working even a part time job if not possible to have fulltime job, this is important too do some exercise.. walking is the best way.. if you feel stuck, depressed.. go out for a walk.. long walk its good because it will release the negative energy through sweat.
you also need the support from someone by talk with them about your condition the best is to counselor who have the experience dealing with emotional abuse / narcsist personality because no all counselor will understand what you are going through try also seek emotional support from sister at the masjid by join the actifities and find someone whom you can trust just to talk and listen you. Yes you have a lot of things to do now that would need big effort and energy but thats will be something for the good outcome InshAllah don't give up to the condition you have now even you are emotionally exhausted keep move on..
Keep make dua and make salat Tahajjud every night, read quran a lot this is the first thing from all above of course.. don't be afraid about you are going insane or know that Allah SWT will protect you.. keep in your mind that nothing wrong with you and you are not alone If you want someone to talk or just listen to you may pm me InshAllah I also have many source about what you are dealing.. if you like maybe you can ask brother wael how to contact private..
InshAllah you will be in my dua..
big hug to you sis..
Sister
I can see that you understand these issues of narcissist personality very well. I have stayed with my narissist and abusive husband for a long time and am now really considering how to get away. Can you please give me some personal support by email
Jazaak Allah
yes inshAllah i can give you my personal email but not sure how.. because if i write here ten it will show to the public
hopefully brother wael you may ask him how to get my email and can give you my email address otherwise if taking too long time i will write here next time, let me know..
hang in there sis keep strong and sane you are ok.. know Allah SWT is there and protect you no matter what
i forgot to mention, if you are trying to leave please prefare well financially and emotionally and don't tell him your plans. act like normal life you have in front of him no matter what you can change anything best thing is to leave but if you think you can still sane keep remember that that you are not the issue
brother wael can you give me her email address, i would like to contact her personally
thanks in advance
Asalam Alaikum wa Rahmatolahy wa Burrakato my Sister Mumina
I pray for Allah swt to bless and protect you and your children always InshAllah
I know exactly how you feel,my marriage is the same.
I have been married for many years, my age is mid 20's now
I have lived seperate from him for nearly a year now and feel so much stronger,but i still feel guilty and wrong for leaving,even though i know it is the best thing for my family InshAllah.
The physicall wounds heal well,but its the emotional and mental pain that does not go away,its so hard,but please please my Sister dont for 1 minute think its your fault,you did not make him do it.
A good muslim Husband would sit down and talk respectfull with his wife,or if too much angry he would should go for a walk,pray or read Al Quran InshAllah
For a man to hurt the Mother of his children,the one who has shared her love with him as his wife,for a man to hurt this precious muslim Sister is never right and is not justifyable by any means.
I pray for Allah swt to protect and guide all of our muslim Brothers and Sisters InshAllah to help them be respectfull loveing Husbands and Wifes InshAllah.
Marriage is a beautifull blessing from Allah,when it is respected.
but sometimes it is better to divorce,Allah knows that sometimes divorce is the best way-to avoid pain and suffering in the family.
The whole perpose of a marrige is to love,respect,support and protect eachother.To raise a strong beautifull family together InshAllah.
but when a partner is abusive and disrespectfull,then its is impossible to raise a strong family in that enviourment.
For the sake of our beautifull children and our sanity the only option is to leave.
but dear Sister if you leave him, do please please be carefull,carefull who you tell and trust.I pray for Allah swt to bless and protect you and your family always InshAllah
I have been married im 27 now.
I cryed,prayed and tryed all i could to make it beter,but it never changed.
now im seperate from him,but still im not divorced yet,in the next few months we will be divorced.
I feel sad that its had to come to this,but i cant take it any more.
My children are my life.
I had four beautifull children and i lost two by his hands.
I became so weak that i could not even protect my beautifull angels,i tryed so hard,but my body and head was so hurt i could not get up to save them,Astaghfirullah Azim
I pray for Allah swt to protect my little angels and to protect your beautifull babes too.
My family helped me to leave my country,i came to europe to work.my babe is with family back home.I left to work,to bring my family here on a visa InshAllah.I miss them so so much but im doing all this to give them a beter safer life InshAllah.
Please stay strong my beautifull Sister
Pray to Allah swt He will protect you and guide you InshAllah
Take Care
Allahavest Mumina x
Sorry to hear about your terrible experience sister. Can you explain what you mean that, "I had four beautifull children and i lost two by his hands."?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hello,
NO you are not crazy!
Two things:
1) You said when he is in his good periods. Maybe he should be checked for bi-polar disorder.
2) If he physically hurts you he could kill you. He could kill the children.
So if he does not have bi-polar disorder or at least will not get checked for it then leave him to save your life and your childrens'. My first husband beat me so bad he cripled me. Do NOT let that happen to you. You do not want this life. You are alive today. Maybe healthy so far. It can change in an instant. I know from first hand experience.
No one has the right to make you afraid in your own home. If you have sons they will see this behavior and treat their wives the same way. If you have daughters they will think it is okay to be some mans punching bag. You teach them that by staying in an abusive situation.
Sister you should stand up to this coward and pathetic excuse of a man. You should do Istikhara and seek Allah's help and get a divorce, or you will only suffer for the rest of your life. Get the help of your family, or your Muslim friends.
Do not be another statistic who never spoke out until it was too late. I hope you find the courage to get away from this sick man.
May Allah Most Merciful help you overcome your obstacles, ameen.
Br Waz
Asalaam Alaikum,
I pray for any sister who is in any type of abusive marriage. I have been married for a year and a half now to someone who I don't even know anymore. I should have left at the first sign of his emotional issues. When he relocated to be with me we were ok for about a week. He would then for no reason at all get mad and stop speaking to me and my 2 daughters for days and then just all of sudden be happy and act like nothing happened. When he would get mad at me he would stop taking care of the household needs and I would have to ask other people for help. Things escalated when he got mad at me for not telling him exactly how much I was receiving in child support from my ex husband. He threatened to hurt me and would do things like tell my kids not to watch "his" tv in the living room. I eventually had to file a restraining order against him because one night he got mad at me because I wouldn't sleep with him and I slept in my daughter's room and he tried to kick the door in because he said I wasn't allowed to lock doors in "his" house. He tore the screen off of our tv to keep the kids from watching the tv. He wouldn't make salah with me and the kids, eat with us, or even go anywhere with us and when I would react to the things he was doing he would tell me how sorry I was as a Muslim and that I was a fake Muslim. I had to hear him talking about me on the phone to his family. He also was gone on a temporary job to pay the rent and when he returned he decided not to pay the rent and we are now being evicted. He left me a few days ago without a dime and told me he didn't give a f*ck about me or my kids.So many times he threatened me by telling me that he was going to pay somebody to do something to me. I started to feel so worthless and second guessed everything about myself. I can't tell you how many times he would walk past me and call me stupid b*tch*es and I was sorry and had no ambition.I'm in a lot of pain right now, but I know that there is joy on the other side of this pain that will heal someday. Although we are about to be on the street, at least I don't have to have his negative energy in my environment anymore. I cry a lot but, this is a healing process. So many people think that abuse only comes in the form of a hit and that simply is not true!