Will Allah help and forgive me?
The Door of Allah's Forgiveness is Still Open!
salam aalyekum,
I was hindu by birth, and I did not have good childhood. My mother had some mental illness, and father sexually harrassed me, beat me, and shouted at me. Because of all of this I decided to go away from my family and come to another place At that time I was not grown up and confident enough, so I had many depressing conditions in my career. I was not focused on what I should do. I was in a new place with my sisters, and they also wanted money from me to spend on the home as my third share as we were thre. They were doing jobs for 4-5 years and getting an ok salary, but as I was just 21 and not very open I was not able to find a job. After one year I got one, but inbetween I know that money is very important. No one truly loved me as they also wanted only a professional relationship. My father only hurt me, and my mother only said hateful things.
In that office I worked for 3 years, but got involved in a relationship with a muslim . He came to my house and told my sister that he wanted to marry me. Since I was never ever able find this type of courage in anyone then, I also started loving him. He also wanted to talk to my father, but I knew that it was not possible and he would never ever support us, so we secretly got married and I also convert to islam.
After that he also taught me namaz and roza. I also try to practice it 5 times a day. For 2 months everything was good, but after that my husband's physical needs ended and he did not touch me or love me as before. But again I was good to him because he took me to a better life. In between this, my mom in law hurt me a lot, always trying to make me weep. She was also one of the people who made my married life worse. In 2008 somehow I started to have a crush for someone in the office and that person knew it. I commited sin,but after that I left that job.
I was seeking love, but never got it. I know that I am bad, but I love Allah a lot. I always weep. Then after that in 2011, I again fell in love- but now it was serious and very supporting. He gave me that love which I had never gotten in my life. I weep a lot- not for him, but for my situation. I want to be a good muslim, but I failed and this time totally failed. I always pray Allah makes me strong, but I am mentally very weak now. Even writing all this makes me weep. I failed because of continuous, hurtful situations and not finding love and physical intimacy from my husband. Will Allah ever forgive me? I know this is a test, but my situation is not to take this type of tough test as I am mentally weak. Now that person also loves me a lot, which I cannot ignore. Please help me.
-piyu
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Assalam alaikum Piyu,
I hope that I can offer you some words and advice that is beneficial to you based on some of my life experience.
First of all, it is unclear to me if you are still married to the same man that introduced you to praying and fasting.
Beginning with the abuse, without an ounce of doubt, what your father did was horrible and on top of that your mother was not helpful due to her own challenges. All this meant that your childhood never existed. I know you are seeking love, but part of this feeling comes from the gaping hole left inside of you from what your father did to you. This gaping hole will never ever be filled by the love of any man--the reason why is because this is the result of your father taking advantage of you and not being the father he should have been. I am afraid that this is irreparable and therefore it is dangerous for you to not understand this.
Now, please don't get me wrong, I don't think this is a hopeless situation, I just think your solution isn't going to be found in love from men--but the odd thing is, you will probably try to seek it there, which is exactly what you shouldn't do because it makes you very vulnerable. I suggest that you find a female counsellor and/or psychologist who can offer you therapy. You will begin to heal once you understand how these feelings came to be and what they mean. Healing will involve you understanding your emotions and what leads you to this kind of attraction to men, coping with the very difficult memories of the past, and finally moving on in a positive path in your life.
If you are not married anymore and are single, please do not even entertain the idea of meeting a man alone no matter what he says--no matter what promises he makes--if a man wants is sincere, he will have to marry you publicly in the presence of your wali--in this case, I would suggest that you speak to a local Imam OR if you are not able to, seek the help of a female Muslim friend.
If you are still married to the same man you need to find out from him why he is treating you the way he is. Ask him to be clear with you as to where you and him stand--and if possible, get counselling. You deserve better sister, way better. It is difficult to comment on this much without more information.
Finally, with respect to your sins, will Allah help you and forgive you? I believe that Allah will absolutely help you and forgive you. Be sincere in asking Allah for forgiveness, spend a lot of time reciting the Quran, making du'a for yourself. Allah is there for you.
Al Quran [2:152]
Do not doubt the Forgiveness of Allah swt--it is greater than the evilness of shaitaan and our own selves. We should be sincere to Allah and when we realize and accept our mistakes, then as much as we can, we should seek His Forgiveness.
Al Quran [39:53]
May Allah ease your pain and burden, strengthen you emotionally and spiritually, May Allah's guidance bring you out of the darkness and pain that you feel, Ameen.
Piyu: After that he also taught me namaz and roza. I also try to practice it 5 times a day. For 2 months everything was good, but after that my husband's physical needs ended and he did not touch me or love me as before
Do you mean after 2 months your husband stopped doing it. Now you are having affairs with other guys.
You and your husband should get some marriage counselling/sex therapy..
You need to stop affairs with other men. Your husband most likely will leave you if he finds out about your affairs.
but I am mentally very weak now. Even writing all this makes me weep. I failed because of continuous, hurtful situations and not finding love and physical intimacy from my husband. Will Allah ever forgive me? I know this is a test, but my situation is not to take this type of tough test as I am mentally weak. Now that person also loves me a lot, which I cannot ignore. Please help me.
What do you mean "I am mentally very weak now"? According to you "your husbands physical needs ended after 2 months of your marriage. You are not getting any love and physical intimacy from your husband. You have found a man who loves you and is taking care of your physcial needs. Do you think this other guy will marry you if you leave your husband? is this other guy a Muslim? Is he married or unmarried? Does he know you are married?
Looks like you have fallen in love with at least three guys. Do you know many girls even don't fall in love once, they just get married and life goes on.
What exactly you want to happen in your life now?
I understand your bad child hood for your difficult life but now at this stage you are matured and accountable for your actions . Having affair with other men despite married to your husband puts you in a bad light .It seems you are haviing affair with multiple people .
So now if you divorce and then marry a new guy and after few months when life becomes dull life so again will you start having affairs with other men ?
This behavior will describe you a bad character girl who cant build home .
I am xory, I don't know how to relax u, bt it is you, r the one 2 change... I think u r still married to the same person.. if ur hus were abusive, u should b patient and ask Allah (saw) 4 the help, bt u didn't.. now do one thing, repent to the almighty, cut the relation from ur new bf.. namaz 5 times and ramdan is on our door steps, dat is a golden chance for ur problems, use it well...