I am not a good enough or suitable partner for my wife
As Salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah
My name is Abu Tariq and i have a very complex problem, in shah Allah someone may be able to give me some rightly-guided advice. (i will apologize upfront for errors in syntax, puctuation and capitalization; I'm just trying to get this set out quickly. ps all that is right and correct herein is from ALLAH and all that is incorrect or bad is from myself or the Shaitan.)
My wife and i have been married for 13 years as of June 01 2008. She has two children from a previous relationship - daughter Khlila, 18, and son Muhammed, 17. We also have two younger children together - Tariq, age 8, and Zaki, age 4. My wife has been the guiding and driving force behind our family's deen since we came to Islam perhaps 14-15 years ago. I, on the other hand, have constantly struggled with even the basics of maintaining my salaat on a day-to-day basis. Many times, since my wife has had the ability to far outpace me in speed and depth of learning, i feel as if i am the 5th child in the family, and she tends to address me as such. Adding to our burden, for the past 10 years i have been employed as a DJ in various Adult (exotic dancing) Nightclubs, with 8 years tenure at my current venue. To excel in that position, i find that i put on a psychological costume, so that i can more successfully promote drinking liquor, lust, and wasteful spending of one's resources. For a long while, it was sufficient as our sole source of income; recently though i have had to add a day job to make sure our needs are met. This setup has me working a 9 hour shift for my day job, a brief nap period, and then a 6 hour night shift. Besides not sleeping much, i also don't have much time for study, and with many bodies in a smallish townhome, not much opportunity for spousal familiarity, nor time for talking, sharing, laughing,etc. Toss in a few extramarital episodes with night-job co-workers, and we have a recipe for a disaster of a marriage. (i must add that my wife has never once been in any way unfaithful, nor allowed the possibility of any indiscretion to occur.)
We have (or rather my wife has) been able to maintain and persist and hold things together "for the kids" as we say. She has times when the hurt from previous infidelities combine with something I'll say or do and she will order me out of the home, only to recant within a few hours. I have strong feelings of guilt and shame, and often wonder, between my past and struggles with iman, if i am indeed a suitable and equal marriage partner for her. when I have suggested that she may try to seek better, I am accused of being a coward. I have recently come to the conclusion that, although i remain devoted to the children, that our differences as spouses are unable to be corrected, and that she deserves a more fitting husband than me. She says that i should just change so that i can be that proper husband; i feel that if such a change were still possible it would have taken place by now. I am reminded of Surah Al-Baqarah, in which ALLAH (SWT)'s message translates to: "ALLAH has set a seal on their hearts, and on their hearings, and on their eyes there is a covering." It continues later to say "In their hearts is a disease (of doubt and hypocrisy) and ALLAH has increased their disease." I worry that even though I try to keep up with even the most basic of principles, making salaat, the result is like ice skating uphill. furthermore, since there is such a vast disparity in our comparative levels of knowlege, i often feel that practicing Islam in view of my wife is showy and fake, and in shah Allah I don't want my actions to be received as hypocrisy. I begin each rakaa being mindful of ALLAH, but the whisperer creeps up and goes "HEY LOOK AT ME! I'M BEING A MUSLIM!! LOOK OVER HERE AS I PUT ON THIS SHOW FOR YOU AND JUMP THROUGH A HOOP!" and sours my concentration. Also, out of frustration, my wife very frequently scolds and corrects me as if i were one of the children or a wayward pet doggy.
This brings me to my actual question:. is it better to stay and try to fix what has yet been unfixable (because all is possible with ALLAH) or should i stop greedily imprisoning this woman who is so many grades my superior, and try to get my iman reconstructed outside the confines of "her" house? At one point I had spoken with our Imam, when she was set on divorcing me.. The words that stuck with me from then were "lose everything (on earth, if you have to) but do not lose your Islam.". I am in desperate need of some good advice, and it is mandatory for us to advise our brothers and sisters in Islam.. Please, in shah Allah, help me if you are able, and may ALLAH grant you his bountiful blessings and peace for doing so.
Jazakum Allah Khair,
Br. Abu Tariq
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Brother i read your post and although i may not be qualified to give you advice regarding your problem but i would like to share with you how i feel about this. I personally know something about the struggle of balancing a modern lifestyle and pious lifestyle and i know for a fact that the guilt that you feel comes from recognizing the right path but being unable to follow it because of your job and your lifestyle. If Allah had indeed put a seal on your heart and eyes then you would not have been able to see the difference at all and would have followed Shaitan's path without any remorse. If you were pre destined to lead a unscrupulous life then the concept of day-of-judgement, heaven and hell becomes meaningless.
Allah gives us multiple trials in our life .... sometimes they come in the form of a life altering tragedy while other times we face difficulties in our day to day life. But no matter what form these tests take, they are nothing more than an opportunity to prove ourselves worthy. Allah promises in the Quran that HE never burdens a soul beyound its capacity. Whenever you are put through a trial you are also given the strength and resilience to surmount it but of course it is left upto us whether or not to use that strength. In your case this power has come to you in the form of being able to see the difference in right and wrong but it is your discretion to choose your own path.
I believe that Allah brings different people into our life to serve a purpose. Some become the personification of all that we detest and some are there to give us inspiration. Maybe your wife is the beacon of light that can guide you to the right path. You can use her superior knowledge of religion as a source which can help you achieve better understanding. As far as the differences between you and your wife are concerned, dont think that either of you are going to find a perfect match because there is no such thing. There is always some level of friction between two people. The reason may not be always religious or moral standing but when you spend a lifetime togather you are bound to have differences. lets look at this from a simpler perspective, what do we do when we find our dream job...with a handsome salary package and all the perks that you could dream of ...but once we start working we find out that the work is really demanding. Do we quit and settle for something less or do we try to fulfill our responsibilities ... i will let you be the judge.
I suggest that you take some time out to communicate with your wife and let her know that the way she treats you is not helping you to be a better husband and a better muslim. Tell her politely how she can change her behaviour because as a husband you are entitled to her respect and it is her responsibility to share her knowledge with you and with everyone else who seeks it. Your work seems demanding but communication is essential for every relationship. establishing an effective channel between you and your wife may only take 15-20 minutes of your time and patience. It may take a long time for things to improve but its never too late to start and remember Allah loves you and all you have to do is to pray for HIS help and he will guide you.
salaams,
You are a lot like my husband. His coworkers and friends all have the same attitude. He started drinking just so he could fit in with them and move forward in his job. We have been married 5 years, 3 kids. I can understand your wife's position extremely well. My husband had an extamarital affair for the last 2 years with a coworker. It destroyed our marriage and ruined our lives. My childre, 4 and under, and 2 with some special needs should not have been put through that. He was more ruthless. He walked out on us but pretended to be going to work and didn't contact us at all for awhile. Imagine how it would feel to leave me alone with a huge mortgage and an uncertainty about how bills would be paid. He devasted my older son who started almost an anorexia = refused to eat and would make himself vomit. That dirty and disgusting woman is older than my husband and me and she was never married so she was doing everything to get him probably because he's a doctor. Even though he is, he is an extremely selfish man who has left all the parenting to me, he hardly looks at the kids and has his woman and another past girlfriend to stay emotionally connected with. Your wife is probably just overwhelmed and she really hopes that through prayer everything will come together. My husband has also told me I should find someone more suitable and he has also claimed he is not like me...but this is pure irresponsibility and immaturity on his part. I have sought advice from some of the best people I know, and one of the things I have realized is that nobody wants to come from a broken home. The other thing is that for the wife, the infidelity and mistrust is just too much to deal with, especially when we have children to look after. How can we pretend to be happy around our kids when we are crying inside? Our kids pick up on it and we are not the best parent we can be. I really admire your wife for holding it all together. I left my 4000 square foot home to stay with my parents in their small cramped home with hardly any space for a year with my kids. Unfortunately, I can't take that kind of emotional distress and my husband continues to this day to lie about things. I am seriously contemplating divorce because whenever he comes to see us, he sometimes comes with such a long face and a rotten attitude...he acts like a child, saying very irresponsible things. I have had chest pains at one time, now my father is also in the hospital with heart problems and he is an extremely devout person but we just cannot bang heads with my husband. Please, Please, I implore you, at least if you can also hold it together for your wife and kids the way she has, do little things for her... a card, a single flower to make her soften up (even if you don't want to) I think it might help...if you want, show her this email...I am so angry with myself for letting this woman and my husband get to me so much that I could not give 200 percent to my son who is autistic...I had been on the verge of making him better but this woman and my husban'd's affair made him regress because he walked out on him. I wish I had been stronger so my son could come out of this...I am finally beginning to put my husband out of my mind and try and focus on the kids but it is really hard...single parenting is insane. I don't have the time or the energy to do all the things I need to get done and my husband is not doing anything at all to help and if I ask for his help, he gets his girlfriend to assist and Idon't want her involved in my family. Do you see how destructive extramarital relations can be? My children are sufferring and they have a father who is a doctor but he has turned his back on them. Please do not do the same thing to all of your kids!!! You will regret it when you are older and have body pains and cannot DJ anymore....you will need them to help give you comfort!!! Like your wife, I tried to make my husband more religious but it didn't work, I was told to not push religion on him but being alone with the kids, it is a real conslation for us women if we see our husbands pray...it makes us hope that because he is praying, he probably won't cheat and we can breathe easy again...this is why I wanted my husband to pray too because I thought the shaitan would go away.