IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Assaalam O Alaikum,

I am having severe problems with my oldest brother and I don't know what to do anymore. I am the youngest girl in my family with two older brothers. My parents are the most loving and supportive parents anyone could ever ask for, but are completely naive when it comes to my oldest brother and his bad habits. When he first moved away from home ten years ago for university, he began to develop a drug problem, became extremely lazy and no longer cared for his education. At this point my parents were unaware of his drug habit, but noticed a change in behavior and felt that he was suffering with depression or loneliness. After 10 years my brother is still the same way, he still does drugs and despite years of my parents paying for his university tuition, he has no degree to show for it. He's 27 now and lives in a big house that my parents bought for him.

A few years ago I also moved away from home to the same country for university. I noticed his drug problem as he openly did it in front of me, but I was too afraid to tell my parents. I did not want to be a snitch, nor did I want my parents to feel any kind of pain, like I felt watching him throw his life away. I tried to be there for him and talk sense into him about how he was smart and capable, thinking I could get through to him. When that didn't work I tried to scare him, that if he didn't give up then I would tell our parents. He took it as an empty threat and continued with his habits.

Once when my mother came to visit, she opened up to me about how she was so concerned for him? How there must have been something emotionally wrong with him which made him the way he was and she was obviously heart broken that she didn't know how to help him, and would constantly buy him expensive things he wanted to try and make him happy. I could no longer handle seeing her that way, and told her calmly that there was nothing wrong with him and that he had a habit of doing drugs, and he needed to stop. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and that now I would have support in getting him to get his life back on track. She told me not to tell my dad, since he was getting older and she was concerned for his health.

I just assumed after telling my mother this, that she believed me. Why wouldn't she? But when she did nothing about it (she continued to spoil him and bend over backwards to get him what he wanted), she told me she had asked him, and when he denied it, she believed his word over mine. I felt extremely hurt by this, but felt that maybe its better for her to not have to deal with the thought of her son having a drug problem. Initially after that incident, he was angry at me for telling my mom, and said that I was just driven by jealousy and wanted to get him in trouble. I explained to him that I only told because I was concerned for him. He continued as he always did but attempted to keep it hidden from me, even though it was still completely obvious that he had not quit (he would leave the stuff lying around etc). I felt that I had done all I could and tried to ignore his problem and treated him normally.

My problem is with how my parents treat him? He can do or say anything to me, swear at me, or be extremely rude to me, and my parents will say nothing to him. When I get angry and respond, I get lectured for being rude to my older brother. I get accused of being jealous of him all the time by my parents when we fight. The more and more this happens, the less I am able to tolerate that my parents always defend him, no matter what he does. He is not only rude to me, but other people also, to the point where he no longer has any friends left. My parents will always defend him and say that he is just depressed and vulnerable. My middle brother has the same issues with him, except even worse. They have not spoken in years, even though they live together, and fight all the time, while my parents, as usual, always defend the oldest.

A few weeks ago my mother came to visit again, and though I live in another city for university, I went back to my brothers' house to spend time with my brothers and my mom. Once again, my oldest brother said horrible things to me, and I could not contain my anger anymore and burst out yelling at him in public. And as usual, my mother took his side, lecture me at how rude I was becoming and how I am out of my mind. This made me even more enraged. I did not talk to my mother or my brother until the next day when my mother confronted me again for misbehaving, at which point I yelled at her and said hurtful things to her, about how I no longer want anything to do with her or my family. I ran away from home and got everyone worried about me. My mother came from halfway across the world to visit her children, and I ruined her trip by leaving things in such anger. She tried to call me many times to get me to come back, but I was too overcome by my anger to answer her calls.

It has been weeks and I have been ignoring everyone in my family except my middle brother who is the only one that understands my issue. I refuse to talk to my oldest brother because I am sick and tired of forgiving him every time he pulls these stunts, only for him to provoke my anger again and again. My mom and dad, for always defending him despite them witnessing the horrible things he says and does to me (implying that I am a shallow and promiscuous girl), they seem to completely undermine how serious the situation is. My middle brother is the only one who understands but, he suggests that I ignore it in my head like he has learned to do and accept that it is a fault in my mother and she is the way she is. He tells me how sad my mother has been lately, and how she is sitting by the phone waiting for me to call her. He also tells me that my father has not been able to sleep, and is extremely worried about me, even though I made sure they knew I was safe.

I feel absolutely horrible for being rude to my mother and yelling at her and making my parents feel so sad. It pains me to think that I have caused this. I know how big of a sin it is and I am constantly praying and repenting but I don't know what to do about it now. I am tired of dealing with my brother, who I no longer have any respect for. The worst feeling is being misunderstood by my parents who I have worked so hard for throughout my life so I do not disappoint them and in return they misunderstand me for being jealous of him and for being the one who is disrespectful. I've tried to talk to my mother so many times about the double standards, but she denies that she treats any of us differently. I don't know how to bring myself to talk to her again. I am extremely upset that my brother has torn me away from my parents. I could not be more thankful to Allah for blessing me with such wonderful parents but there is no way I can distance myself from my oldest brother and not distance myself away from my parents at the same time.

I can no longer deal with my brother as even when I try to suppress my anger for years, he will eventually push me over the edge like he did a few weeks ago. I feel like I have tried my hardest to bond with him and help him, telling myself that he has no one else but his family to care for him, but I no longer want him in my life. I do not know how to fix my relationship with my parents without going through this same pattern over and over again. Them forcing me to be there for my brother, him provoking me to get angry, me responding with anger, and everyone blaming me for being rude and causing problems. I am very confused about what to do? my parents mean a lot to me and I depend on them so much, but I cannot tolerate this anymore, and I cannot help feeling hurt by their blindness towards his behavior.

I have not talked to any of my friends about this issue because I do not think they could understand. I was hoping by posting my situation here I would get some helpful advice on how to deal with this issue without committing more sin and becoming infuriated at my parents who have given me so much in life, which I am truly thankful for. I cannot accurately express in words how upset this is making me, and how much of a toll it is taking in my life. I have never felt more alone and guilty for causing my parents so much sorrow.

Sophia33.