Confused about my position in a happy marriage with a stingy husband
I am a completely devoted housewife and stay at home mum of 2 kids. My husband works 8-10 hours a day, and when he comes home I make sure he has all the comforts and peace of mind available plus hot food and a cheerful atmosphere.
He earns roughly $3500-$4000 per month mashAllah, and we have a comfortable house we are renting, and maintaining our own cars. From his salary, he gives me $600 to run the household expenses which includes all the energy bills, utilities, groceries and childrens school dinners/sandwiches.
By the end of the month, every single penny has been used up for milk and bread etc. I never get a single cent to spend on myself. My parents give me $100 every month, and that too is spent on the bills and groceries. I never ever have money to buy myself anything. Even to buy things for the children I have to ask him over and over again to either give me money or take us shopping on his days off, for even basic things like school uniforms.
I have been shivering in the cold and do not have decent coat. he does not give it any importance. I do not even have the stamina left to tell him things I need. I buy the most economical clothes and shoes for the children. More often it is my parents who are buying things for me and my children like clothes on Eid and children's seasonal clothes.
He says we are saving up to buy a house, which I totally agree with as we are renting at the moment. But when it comes to him spending, there are no limits. He will book foreign trips for us, hold lavish dinners for friends, spend whole heartedly on anything he wants to buy for the house. But in my case, I have been constantly reminding him we need curtains for the house, even cheap flimsy ones would do but the sun is very disturbing sometimes, and there is no privacy even though our house is in quite an isolated place.
I started working to fulfill my own desires, such as buying books for my children which they love reading, sometimes my niece too who I love dearly. My sister is not well to do, and I like to treat her to nice things sometimes.
But unfortunately, when I started working, even though part time, my whole household system got disturbed. Every evening I was totally tired by the time I got home, lacking energy to give my family any quality time at all, as I was always burdened with responsibilities ie cooking, washing up, laundry, ironing, preparing for next day. Sometimes I had to stay back a bit longer due to work committments (I am a teacher), late parents, or talking to parents, or after school meetings and plannings , which angered my husband. He thought I was taking my job too seriously, whereas I was brought up in an environment where we were taught to do everything we did with full committment and sincerity.
As a wife, do I deserve some pocket money for myself from my husband, knowing full well he can afford it. He hates spending money on me. In 15 years of marriage he has never bought me any presents, clothes or Eid clothes.
My parents, God bless them end up taking care of everything. I have told them very clearly that they should not do it anymore. He needs to realize. But he does not give such things any importance. If I want to buy a coat, he will say to me, Summer is approaching, you are only wasting money. I am a hypothyroid patient, and cannot tolerate cold, so I go out with 3-4 layers of clothes and the a skimpy jacket which I ordered online because I seemed so odd in the cold wind standing there in the childrens school without a coat.
I know he loves me in many other ways, he is very very dependant on me emotionally, wants me to be around all the time, and worries if I get angry, or cry. I just dont know how to deal with this. Our intimate relations are perfect, we have a fabulous life Alhamdolillah, just that I dont know if I should be getting more money from him
I have even told him the other day that I dont want us to buy a house. We will live in rented accomodation for as long as we have to.
His family is quite caring, and used to look after me well when they took me as a daughter in law. My husband seperated me from them as he wanted complete control over me and brought me to the states.
Sometimes I think he is punishing me. His parents, just like mine are comfortably well off, but we do not recieve any help from them, which to be honest we don't need as Alhamdolillah my husband is earning well enough. But where do I stand?
PS: I have sat down with him on numerous occassions to explain how much I spend and how much I need. I am a mother, when my child wants to buy a book (Alhamdolillah they are not demanding children, but they love books), I hate saying to them I dont have money. I have no power as a mother. I hate it this way. I should have enough money to buy the essentials. I have never bought gold or anything expensive, and neither am I a big spender. It is just small expenses I am struggling with.
-Salima
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Salam sister.. Of course he owes you too much as a Muslim husband. Yourproblem is not petty at all. Very frustrating and hurting. Maybe you express better in writing and should show him your post.
Salima, I'm sorry to say that after reading your post I have a very low opinion of your husband. He is selfish, self-centered, and insensitive. He's a poor husband and a bad father.
Maybe one of the other Editors or readers can give you some calm, rational advice - Amy, Sara, Leyla, Professor X?. But I can't be calm about this. In fact I am quite angry, because to me your husband represents the worst qualities of a father and husband. He may not actively abuse you and the children, but he does it by omission, by just not caring, not providing. He's not a real man.
A real man takes care of his wife and children before he takes care of himself. A real man makes sure his wife and children are fed, even if he goes hungry. A real man ensures that his family is clothed and warm, even if he has to shiver in the cold. A real man is a provider, a caretaker, and a protector. A real man would struggle, sacrifice and even fight to make sure that his family is taken care of.
It is said about the Prophet Muhammad (sws) that he was more generous than the wind, and that he never said no when someone asked him for anything he could give. He (sws) was our example. He said, "The best among you is he who is best to his wives; and I am the best to my wives."
That's how a Muslim man should behave, or any man for that matter.
Don't give up your teaching job. Keep on working, and save money if you can. Ask your husband to share equally in the household chores, and if he will not, then let his clothes remain dirty and let him cook his own dinner. As long as you allow him to keep on taking advantage of you and treating you like a slave, he will.
And that's what you are to him, a slave. A slave labors without getting paid. A slave shivers in the cold, and cannot demand anything for herself.
I'm guessing that your husband was spoiled by his parents and never disciplined nor asked to share anything. He grew up thinking that he was the center of the universe. He doesn't know how to be unselfish and compassionate.
I suggest that you sit down and give your husband three options:
1. He gives you sufficient money to provide for yourself and the children every month. Give him a specific amount, like $1,200, or whatever.
2. You keep on working, and the two of you share the chores.
3. The two of you separate. You take the children and go back to your parents, or live on your own if you can.
Hopefully your husband will have the common sense to choose option number one. Just remember that endless requests and appeals are pointless. A demand means nothing if you can't back it up in some way.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
Despite your passion about what's going on, I believe you still succeeded in giving rational advice. Not sure that I would be able to add anything to it.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Could not put it better myself, i echo your everyword brother wael.
great advice by brother wael. couldn't agree more. i can understand her frustration cause i grew up with a father like this.
So sorry dear even my husband too he is like this to my daughter if we ask anything he can get angry. But if his family wants anything he can provide. Last winter my daughter was walking with foot and it was so cold. Does that mean Muslim man are stingy or what?
Exectly!
Asalaam alaikum,
As Br.Wael stated, it's very alarming to hear that a Muslim would treat his wife in such a way. I was just reading about a poor doorman in Egypt who only earns $54 a month and I am sure that is plaques his mind as to not being able to afford things for his wife and family. Seeing a wife shiver in the cold is a cause for any husband to take off his coat and give it to her at the slightest breeze, but to neglect her as you have been by your husband, for so many years, is incredibly worrisome.
For it is none other than Allah Almighty (swt) who says that husband and wives are "garments" for each other. Allah (swt) does this in a verse (2:187) in which He forgave us the right of intimate relations during the night in the month of Ramadhan. Why would Allah (swt) use the word translated into "apparel/garment" during the mentioning of physical intimacy and why is this relevant to the problem at hand?
Think of it in this way: clothing shields our bodies from society, but with a spouse, their bodies are allowed to be seen, touched, used as pleasure and comfort between each other. By this, a husband acts as a means of modesty and chastity for his wife and vice versa. Therefore, when they are together in private they cover each other with the other's body in intimate pleasure. Providing means and clothing for a wife is not only only a way of giving her modesty and protecting her chastity, but it also is a means of the husband to metaphorically pleasure her, touch her and protect her.
Furthermore, it would be inappropriate for a husband to provide these similar means for a woman who is not his wife or to be intimate with her. Nor would it be ethically or morally acceptable for him to give these means to others when his wife is without these things, herself. So it becomes obligatory on a Muslim husband to clothe his wife in all manners as this is an extension of being a "garment" over her. The husband's pleasures, his dignity and his respect are reflected to a degree in this case.
Allah (swt) would further go onto explain to us in Sura 7, Verse 26, the further embodiment of what 'garment/raiment' means by calling it an "adornment" and that it is of "righteousness, that is best." This verse and the preceding one are in fact related to the story of the first humanly creations, Adam (as) and Eve (as). Pay careful attention that Allah (swt) has revealed this verse again in relation to both men and women. Yet, it's the following verse that carries further the realization of the consequences of not understanding the importance of this context.
O ye Children of Adam! let not satan seduce you in the same manner as he got your parents out of the Garden, stripping them of their raiment, to expose their shame: for he and his tribe watch you from a position where ye cannot see them: We made the Evil ones friends (only) to those without Faith.
Incredible how Allah (swt) explains to us the intricacies of not only life itself, but the responsibility between husband and wife! So it is imperative that your husband be taught to realize how his neglect towards you is stripping himself over his 'spiritual garment' causing the shame of his soul. Surely this is a path on which Shaytan tempts to astray us.
For many men, taking care of a wife is one of the most dignified attributes of being a husband. To provide his wife with nice clothes, affectionate gifts and reminders of his love for her is something that produces great virtue and worth as a man. It seems to me that your husband does not identify with this issue because he does not take heed of what Allah (swt) has revealed and/or how his manhood is belittled when he has the means but refuses the opportunity to provide for you in a more ample fashion. So your husband must be made aware of his shortcomings in this matter regarding the Qur'anic view and especially since by his behavior, he is oppressing his children, as well.
As Br.Wael mentioned a hadith by the Holy Prophet, it is also understood that the same hadith goes further in-depth by saying: “The best among you is the one who observes the rights of his wife in the best possible way and I am the best among you to observe the rights of my wives.”
Not only does the hadith narrate about being good to the wife, but observing her rights. This is an essential part of understanding the need for your husband to honor you in this manner. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) also would say, "One who ignores his wife's rights is deprived of God’s Mercy."
The Prophet (saw) also said: When a man goes to shop for his wife, he is similar to one who takes charity to the house of the needy. When he gets home, he should first give what he has bought to his daughters. This is so because one who makes his daughter happy is similar to one who frees a slave from Ismael's (as) generation. And one who makes his son happy by giving him something is similar to one who cries for fear of God given that God shall take such a person into Heaven filled with blessings.
Also, I do see one additonal action to be taken that was not mentioned: speak to his parents. I think they might be very disturbed to hear that their own son is not giving you the means that they offered to you when you were with them. It would be shameful for any man, let alone a grown one with the means, to hear from his parents what the reality of his lowly character is in his regard.
Brother professor x Why so graphic with your answer, you could of left it at husband and wife are garments for each other i think people understand the meaning of that.......
Asalaam alaikum,
I did not see the answer as graphic, but perhaps that could be the case with some readers. Perhaps I should clarify my point a bit more. So when I say "pleasure her," does a woman not receive happiness by having nice, new and proper clothes? Yes, she does. When I say "touch her," the clothes will touch and cover her adornments and this is a way for a husband to express his 'covering as a garment' over her when he is not present with her, which bear the third aspect of to "protect her."
It should be acknowledged that a man does receive masculine pride in doing such things (providing clothing) for his wife. So in this instance, the poster's husband is in effect neglecting his own instincts and his duty to cover her not just physically, but figuratively in a modest, chaste and even physical sense. Therefore, it is one of his responsibilities to see that she is adequately clothed and provided for so that she is protected in these ways and more. If he were to understand this part, he might well understand the gravity of his failure regarding her. Remember than this man has taken this woman from her father's house where she was always protected. The husband bears the same responsibility to clothe her, provide for her and protect her in these ways.
For example, I knew a husband who actually took pride in buying his wife's feminine products, because he saw this as a way to care for her when many husbands would balk to do so for their respective wife. In retrospect, are there not many fathers, especially single ones, who venture to buy those same feminine products for their daughters when the later reach puberty? I believe the poster's husband has failed to understand how his duty is manifested in these ways and he is failing his obligation.
Please understand the verse in question to be read:
It is made lawful for you to go unto your wives on the night of the fast. They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them. Allah is Aware that ye were deceiving yourselves in this respect and He hath turned in mercy toward you and relieved you. So hold intercourse with them and seek that which Allah hath ordained for you, and eat and drink until the white thread becometh distinct to you from the black thread of the dawn. Then strictly observe the fast till nightfall and touch them not, but be at your devotions in the mosques. These are the limits imposed by Allah, so approach them not. Thus Allah expoundeth His revelation to mankind that they may ward off (evil).
So if the husband fails in his duty to have taken care of his wife in the sense of clothing her, then is he failing also to protect her chastity and modesty, too? I believe this to be so. One of the beauties of Qur'an is that Allah (swt) does not omit the nature between husband and wife and gives the just prescription to keep matters fulfilled between them.
Let me take this a step further into shedding light on the realities of the deviated Shaytanic path: It has been known by many men who prey on women to shower them with gifts, which is of all things, clothing, shoes and flowers. Especially for a woman who feels neglected, this strikes at her inner nature.
My point is not to dwell on sheer acquisition and materialism, but when a woman doesn't even a proper coat for the winter, is not the husband hurting her very nature and harming her? Is he not setting up an opportunity to drive her away? I believe this also to be the case.
This man has a wife, has intimacy with her, but does not clothe her properly? Do you see how he is violating the verse in a metaphorical and literal sense?
Masha'Allah brother x i see your point, i wish Muslim men would see how much Ajar they could get with the simple act of bring a glass of water to their wives.
Jazaak'Allah for all your advice and support, it made me feel so good that I have brothers and sisters to hear me out and support me.
I must admit though, that in my frustration I have ended up painting a horrible image of my husband, though I know he is not a bad man by heart, just needs to learn and open hearted with regards to spending on his wife.
I had this feeling from day 1 of marriage that he wanted me to utilise my education and add a few dollars, even if it meant to make my own pocket money. But I felt, if I had to look after the house and kids and still make bucks to fulfil my own requirements, what was the use of having a man in my life, I was better off in my fathers house.
Emotionally, as a husband he is the most understanding and loving person, he is involved with the children, their education and their fitness. He is wonderful with my parents, despite some descrepancies that took place due to business in the early years of my marriage, a topic which I never bring up infront of him or my parents (as I know my parents were in the wrong).
He has supported me, hugged me and comforted me when my own parents have hurt me.
It is only now after 10 years of marriage that I have put my foot down and demanded some extra money for myself as the money he gave me ( a fixed amount every month) was jsut about enough to cover bills and have a 3 square meals a day.
I failed to understand why he wouldnt buy me a coat, not that he said no, but he was constantly putting it iff. But it has become warm in a few days, so I cant complain anymore.
UPDATE:
I told him I did not want to run the expenses of the house anymore, and that I would be much more relaxed and happier if he stopped give me the house running money and did all the groceries and bills himself.
I did not argue with him or fight with him, or cry.
He, as a result agreed to $200 p/m dollars as my pocket money, which I am unanswerable for, and can spend anywhere I want, in the house, on kids, or on myself.
In my heart, I still feel like a loser saying all this, as a wife this should have been my right from the day he started earning a decent income, but I have always wanted to make thingas easy for him as possible, and when he was not yet qualified, I worked just as much as he did to make ends meet.
And even now, I am willing to make up for any financial ups and downs we ever go through in life
by putting my masters degree to good use, but otherwise I feel, I am doing a better job at home.
🙂 I am not Muslim. I stumbled on this link looking for an answer for why my finance was so stingy with me. He just proposed and joked he was getting me the ring from a cereal box. Based on other important days I actually believe him.
I learned from this and I am grateful to you all. We have a right to the expectation of kindness, generosity and thoughtfulness from our partners in life. Your teachings and feedback make this clear as a universal truth even if I am not Muslim. Thank you 🙂 E
Elaine, I'm happy that you benefited from our website. As we say in Arabic, Alhamdulillah - praise God.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalam aleykum brother and sisters , mashaAllah this is amazing website, just came across coz i was searching for answers regarding getting married to stingy husband and I can say i learned a lot Allah barik
Sister
ZK
Thank you for this post and for sharing your hearts. Just like Elaine, I'm a christian, searching for answers to why my seemingly good husband doesn't care financially. I almost have to beg him to give me monthly allowance for housekeeping. I work and contribute equally. Lately, I have bEen feeling resentful and angry that married to him has depleted my pockets. I end up having to keep the house running as even the allowance is not enough. This problem intensified especially when he got promoted at work. All I ever hear is money is not enough. He earns as much as I do and we share all home expenses equally.....on paper. I fulfill my end of the expense while I make up for his.he loves me and d kids yes but doesn't see the need to take care of us.