Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How should his ex act around him?

Extingish Disrespect

Asalam alekom,

I was recently visiting my husband.I live in the USA while I am trying to bring him here. I had seen some things that I do not feel is acceptable behavior from his ex wife, who by the way is his third cousin. he married her when she was 16, and she asked for a divorce from him when she could not handle the life of being married and starting college. He granted her the divorce after three years of marriage, and she went back to her parents but left the child with him to raise.

Like I said, while I was there I saw some of her behaviors that are not acceptable to me, and sometimes her attitude with me was like she was older than me. I am 25  years older than her, and my husband is only 3 years younger than me. He keeps saying she is a child and has the mind of a child, but in all she is still a woman, one that is permissible.

I am in need of finding out the right way an ex wife is to handle herself in front of her ex husband because they have a child together, but they have been divorced for over 6 years and he married me about 4 years ago. I love my husband very much, and I know I can trust him with my life, but I feel there are some things that are not being said to me and secrets being kept. We were suppose to have an open discussion at one time, but it never happened. Anytime I go to him to talk about these things, it is like he runs from the subject. We have issues that need to be addressed, but he is always nervous to talk about things with me- including intimate things. In spite of everything I still love him very much and want our marriage to work.

I got a new cell phone here, and it backs up my pictures on my phone to my google account online. Also he has another phone I gave him before I left, and somehow the pictures from that phone came to my google account. Inside those pictures is a picture of his ex wife wearing very light clothes, and I see his feet in this picture and it was the day before his birthday. I knew she was there with her mother and brother to see her daughter. This picture also showed her sitting right beside him in these very light clothes. It has upset me because she is not allowed (from what I know)  to dress like that in front of him. She can't even be dressed like that in front of her father and brothers, so why is she like that in front of a married man- my husband? When I am there and she comes, she does not dress like that. One night I was sitting in the living room waiting for him to return home and I was wearing something nice but respectable for him, and he got upset with me and told me not to wear that again in there.

Also while I was there, he did not show me any affection the whole time. There were only a few times we were alone because it seems others came to stay with us up until I left. It upset me so much that we had no time alone together while I was there. Someone was always around. I felt like I was being ignored, and all I wanted was for me and him to spend time alone together and with his daughter, and have privacy in our home to do what we wanted to do and reconnect.

His ex wife has also put me in a tight spot. She told me things about when she married to him- how his acts with her were. She told me she only married him at that time to get out of the house. She also revealed to me that she never wanted to be a mother at a young age,  and she kept telling me he is like his father who I do not know. She came back late one night with his daughter and he yelled at her for it, and she told me under her breath 'he is crazy'. I told her 'whoa wait a minute, that is my husband you are talking about'.  I told her that she was wrong and if she could not find a ride home, she should have called us and we would have come to pick them up. There is no reason to have a child outside past midnight.

Also she begged my husband to let me go outside to hang out with her, and he told her to keep her eyes on me. We left and then I found out I was only an excuse for her to go and see someone, because she left me with my husband's niece in front of a clinic she was at. She left me standing on the street for over 30 minutes while she went to meet some one, which I believe was a male because if it was a female she would have taken me with her. I was so upset over this and was angry, but still I didn't say anything to my husband for fear of what he would do to her.

I want to show this to my husband, but I don't know how to bring it to him, especially during Ramadan. I am trying to wait until after Ramadan to do this, even though it is getting to me and I want to say something about it. I do not like keeping anything from him because that is no way for a marriage to be, no secrets or lies.

I have learned from what I know about Islam is that she is supposed to cover in front of him at all times when she goes with her family to visit her daughter at our home. She is not to have any physical contact with him as well- no hugging, no touching one's hand as in to remove keys from his hands.  Help me to understand here please. I ask Allah to help me as well and protect me and my husband and our marriage.

-trying to understand

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4 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Ok. So she married him at 16, and he divorced her 3 years later when she was 19. He stayed single for six years, then married you when she was about 25. You all have been married 4 years, so that would make her 29, right? Since you're 25 years older than she, that would make you 54? And your husband 51?

    You're old enough to know that's what going on is inappropriate. Does the ex know it's inappropriate? I don't know, but I'm willing to bet your husband does. In spite of that he seems passive to it, or actually seems to encourage it. The fact that he has recent pictures of her on his phone, and pics of them together without you being around, is something that shouldn't be ignored.

    I am wondering if they are truly divorced. Sometimes men don't put their foot down because they are still married and know they can't deny the other wife's rights. This would explain why she comes at him with the seeming lack of manners as well. Even if he's not still married to her, it seems as though he is certainly still attracted to her. With that being the case, the odds of him fixing this situation to what it should be and putting distance between him and her are less likely.

    The biggest issue of all is the relationship you have with your husband. You say you cannot communicate with him or solve problems like these. What do you want to come out of it, if you are the only one who is trying to address what's going on? The bottom line here is that you can't change her, and your influence over him is limited- so you can't change him in end either. The only one you have complete control over is yourself, so I would suggest looking at the situation in a way that if it doesn't change, and things continue to go this way between them, what will your response be?

    -Amy Editor

  2. How did you meet your husband? I hope he is not using you to come to USA? Keep checking pic he is taking. I don't know why is his ex even talking to you. Is she trying to mislead you by giving reasons or wrong indications about her husband? Do you know any one who can find out the truth, check how often your husband and his ex meet alone? I don't know about your husband, but one woman who married a foreigner was introduced to his wife as his cousin sister, when she went to visit him in his country.

  3. Is the daughter going to be coming to USA get green card also? That explains why the daughter was there. Need to find out if daughter still lives with him when you are not there or his wife and daughter both live with him.

  4. I agree check on to this it doesn't sound right, you have to find out the truth before you start out doing any kind of papers because these days people use each other a lot for papers. Good luck insallah everything work out!!!

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