Hurting and forced to accept things in my married life
Salam,
I am married for 2 years already. As I had mention on my earlier post I got married to my husband without knowing that he is married. After our wedding few weeks later I learned about his marriage, but he kept me on dark side for so long. Letting me believe that their divorce 2x and just needed the last in the court.
For 1 yr and 6 months I waited for him to came out from jail due to financial problem from his business. During those times for 5 months he make me believed that the police people brought him to court for his divorce and he had the papers. then 3 month before he came out of jail then he told me he lied to me that his not yet divorce and his still communicating with his ex. But he promised me he will divorce her once he's out.
Then when he came out things become more complicated the hurtful. I learned that he had promised his ex-wife the he will bring her back and will come straight to her once his out, same thing he promised me. Although he came straight to me that time. He had lied so many things about his marriage, that I feel like I have the right to know.
He loves me, and he doesn't want me to leave him, so he decided to leave his 1st wife, which he always promised me before. Then the wife make a complain and make stories in the court that for 5 years he didn't make a house for her, that he left her, just a story that she make to make the case worst. Too much drama and problems she's making. Me and my husband is fighting because of her. I always start because of jealousy and his lies from before is eating my brain. I cannot trust him when it comes to his ex. Plus when their talking I cannot understand their language. Many things he had hidden from me. And his reason was, because he doesn't want me to get hurt or so i will not be upset. But worst thing he told me, that it's not my business whether he will take her back or not.
And today was their court, he told his 1st wife that he will take a house for her and will not divorce her, and that they will start a life again. And even though he will not leave me he will keep us both, it's hurting me and breaking my heart so much. I allowed him to get a house for her so she will not complain but he promised me he will not go to her house anytime. All his promises has been broken. I feel like that their playing with me. My heart is totally broken but I cannot complain. Last night he told me that if he will not divorce her i cannot do anything, just shut my mouth and be quite. Is this really the Islamic way of life? He also use his cousin as an example.
Now I just want to run away from all of this, I want to die so I will not get hurt any more. I have no one this foreign country, my family was in our country and no ones that I can talked with. My heart is full of pain. Please give me some words of encouragement to continue with this life. I want to give up already.
~Aziza09
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Salaams,
Sister, I had to go back and read your first post to get a little more context. First, let me tell you the truth about this situation: you are NOT forced to accept this type of a marriage. You do not have to accept this type of treatment (including what you mentioned in your previous post, if it is still happening). You asked before, and you are asking again, "Is this really the Islamic way of life?" The answer is an unequivocal NO, it is not.
In real Islam, this man would have told you from the start that he is married, so you would have the free and open choice to continue with him as a second wife, or let him go. You have the right to be in a monogamous marriage. Just because polygamy is allowed in Islam, doesn't mean that all women are required participate in it. We have the right to opt out of that, and we have the right to know if we are going to be entering such a marriage. Even in your situation, where you were essentially deceived into marriage under the pretenses that it was monogamous, you have the right to request a divorce because of his fraud.
In real Islam, a husband is honest and truthful and open. He doesn't live a "double life", or keep things from you that will impact your interests and welfare. Muslim husbands will show his wife love, affection, care and consideration. If he has two wives, he will treat each other equally so that neither feel that the other is getting a "better deal". He will not belittle, berate, or make derogatory statements to his wife. He will spend his time and his words helping her to experience her value as a beloved creation of Allah, not tearing her down or making her feel like she is nothing.
In real Islam, a man will keep his word unless something happens beyond his control. He will be wise enough to not promise something he can't or is not willing to fulfill, and everything he does promise is reliable. He is devoted to his Lord, his mother, and his family. He strives every day to better his character and be more like Prophet Muhammad (saws), and to better control his nafs so that it doesn't hurt anyone.
Real Islam is beautiful, sweet, dynamic, invigorating and inspiring. Your marriage (by your account) has been dreary, hopeless, painful, draining and depressing. Real Islam builds certainty, but your relationship with your husband has only increased your doubts. What you have been experiencing is about as far from real Islam as one can get.
What is the solution, sister? The solution is to leave this facade of a marriage. Ask for a divorce, go back home to your parents and start to work on discovering real Islam. Find some Muslim sisters in your parent's area and make some friends. Look for opportunities to study and experience the Islam you've been missing, the real Islam. With time and strength, you will be ready to marry again, and that time Insha'Allah it will be to a lovely brother who will share with you a life of true submission, respect, and love.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
you have a right to leave this marrage if u dont accept polygamy hes lied to u and thats disrespectful men can have four wives but you dont have to stay u can divorce in a islamic divorce also a civil divorce seperatly and make clear to the next hubby u dont accept polygamy . u must b so upset wat hes done is selfish and disloyal get away from them in ur cpuntry and b safe wiv ya family inshallah or u can accept up to u x
Salam,
Thank you for your advice. Honestly, I don't have any strength to leave him, my love for him is holding me back. And now his facing some tensions in work, financial and with his divorce, and I know he needs me now on his side. For the last 1 week their divorce is already on process, but his 1st wife is making the process more difficult. She's making complian to get a money from him which she knows that he cannot. I don't know, I cannot understand my self anymore. Im reading quran to help me ease the pain in my heart. I know he is wrong, but I also know his trying to correct things. But his ways of correcting is hurting me. My sacrifices from our marriage is another thing that holding me back.
I am type of person who can forgive easily but never forgets. I tried to leave him but his crying for me not to leave him. A muslim friend advice me also that this time he needs me on his side, and I have to be strong. Same thing my sister in law told me.
If you can give me DUA's to make me strong, be patient more and bring back the trust and love in my heart and in my husbands heart. I know prayers and only Allah can help me.