Seeking Help for leaving drug addiction of my Husband
Fit to be a father? What do you think?
Assalamualikum
My husband is a heroin abuser since 2001.
I love him still now but suffering from his addiction. He takes drug regularly. When he takes heroin he is totally changed.
I have a baby 4 yrs old. When we made any quarell in front of her that time she started to cry. I don't wanna leave my husband. It's not possible for me.
Give me any amal or doa for leaving from his heroin addiction.
~sarahAhmed
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Wa'alaikumusalam wa rahmatullah sister.
I am not a scholar but you should ask Allah Ta'ala for help and also contact the proper
authorities (but not the police!) to have him forced into drug rehabilitation.
He will be very grateful to you when he sobers up in treatment.
If there is no treatment facility then I suggest talking to the Imam of the mosque or whoever
is appropriate and have them force him to sober up.
I don't recommend jail because he could be abused there or worse, drugs are available in many jails.
Please do whatever it takes to get him locked up in a treatment facility.
He might refuse but because he is under the influence of drugs, he might not know what he is doing.
The last resort is that you can divorce him, but please exhaust all other efforts.
May Allah Ta'ala help you and your family to be healthy and happy. Amin.
I'm sure, insha'Allah, he can quit heroin in a treatment facility because I am a smoker and doctors say that _smoking is more addictive than heroin_ and that ex-heroin users said that quitting smoking was harder than quitting heroin.
may Allah allows him to stop the addict. pray to Allah for help
Assalamualikum
Thanx brother.
Pray for us.
kya ap k husband nay heroine chor di plzz mje btain plz me be kisi ki wja say bhttt preshan hu plz sis i need ur help
I feel your pain sister as I too am a heroin addict and can't stop and was a good Muslim at once now I got my poor wife addiicted
Sister, I believe that you are in denial. No one can help a drug addict. Even rehab will not help if the addict is not there willingly. The only answer is to leave him. If you say that's not possible for you, then you are condemning yourself to a continued existence of misery.
I've written about this before, so rather than repeat myself, please see some of these similar questions that we have answered:
Help.. My husband is a paraplegic and a heroin addict
Husband not practising Islam and is using drugs
My Husband is Addicted to Drugs – Should I Wait for Him to Change?
PLS HELP! 23 year old with 2 kids and husband is a liar, gambler and drug addict
My boyfriend was on drugs and is now violent as I cheated on him
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thanx for ur reply.
It's really hard to leave him.
Is there no amal or doa in Islam to leave this addiction habit?
Plz tell me does the following amal will work?
Overcome bad habits like alcoholism, adultery, drugs..etc: YA BARRU (The Source of All-Goodness) or YA BADEEUL AJAAIBE BIL KHAIRI YA BADEEO (O The ORIGINATOR OF ALL STRANGE THINGS WITH GOODNESS OH ORIGINATOR OF ALL THINGS) or YA MATEENU (O The Firm One) or YA QUDDOSU (The Most Holy) or Ya Muqalli bal Qulubi wal Absaar (O The Transformer of hearts and eyes) or Ya Waliyal Hasanat (Oh He who sponsors good things!) or YA QUDDOSU YA NOORU(O The Most Holy, O the Light) . Should be blown into some water or sweet or food and given to the person to eat or drink or if not possible to “blow” only make intention it should be sufficient.
Pls give me reply.
I m waitting for ur reply brother.
give him water which called ab e zam zam i believe that it will work Inshallah
dearest sister
firstly I pray Allah azzaWajal accepts your wishes and efforts and bestows peace and blessings upon your family especially during these difficult tested times. I can empathise your hardship as I'm a former addict myself and can tell you from first hand experience as how difficult and painful the path and cycle of recovery is. I admire your determination and perseverance and I know this post is nearly 3 years late but I would strongly suggest you consult professional addiction therapists or a highly learned scholar of Islam. never would I recommend you to leave your husband as this will only cause further destruction to your welfare and his too as he will lose the support love and encouragement you give him and further lead to a perpetual cycle of misery. Do not let idiotic advisers that read from text books or media advise you on your family affairs. I pray Allah has helped you and your husband to recover from the troubles and darkness of addiction disorders. It would be great to know how your family is doing.
read plenty of authentic duahs and keep up the amazing work. may Allah swt safeguard our imaan keep us steadfast and accept our humble efforts .Ameen
from your brother in islam.
[Editor's note: I have removed your contact details. We do not permit the exchange of personal contact details on this site. Please do not include these in future posts.]
you should never encourage a married couple to end theire marriage, if this strong sister wants to help her husband because she loves him then who are you to tell her to leave him?! if you cant provide support at least dont give bad advice. if you really think the only answer is to leave her husband then you my friend need more education before giving advice to anybody.
First I want to say it's positive that you sisters are discussing these challenges, as this can be a healthy way of coping with the difficulties your family is going through. I want you to know that there are millions of people in active recovery from this destructive, powerful, habit, where the brain justifies a love/hate relationship with something that can quickly change the mood.
After all it's not the porn/drug your husband is addicted to. It's the predictable and fast mood change he's addicted to. This problem is powerful. The brain has been highjacked by the addiction and it is taking over its job of maximizing pleasure and avoiding pain and taking it too far. You should know that you have done nothing for this problem to rear it's ugly head in your life, but you could be making decisions that makes it easy for it to continue. I want to mention some of these things that may help you.
“destructive, powerful, habit where the brain justifies a love/hate relationship with something that can quickly change the mood.”
1. The first thing I want for you to do is to help, develop and build yourself up! Build your mind by reading books from the library about thinking positive and about self growth and take time for self reflection where you acknowledge the good things you do every day and what you have room for improvement with. Take care of your health by eating wholesome food that is halal and tayyib (Islamicaly permissible and wholesome), and exercising on a regular basis and fasting. Feed your soul through dhikr and Quran. Some times we can focus on life's problems so much we forget to give our own body it's rights.
I was out hunting once and I got lost so bad I was just wandering around and around. I ran out of water and it was getting late. I had to stop, sit and get a new perspective of my situation. After I did that I knew the way I had to go. You may need to do the same. You can't help anybody if your a wreak, and the journey of self development is rewarding in so many ways and is never a waste of time. It also feels good! Maybe you already doing these things, I can tell you there is always room for improvement.
I tell my clients if you have a major problem that you’re having a hard time getting over, but you don't have a library card and you haven’t read at least 4 books on the subject, you're not serious about solving anything you just want a pity party. So go to library, learn about porn/drug addiction, and self knowledge. Maybe it's been a long time since you've worked on self development, or maybe you never have your entire life. Now is a good time to start. What resources do you have available to help you? Write them down, this will let you know what your options are. I'm part of your resources as your brother in Islam and a Muslim Sober Companion. Helping people with problems like this is what I do. Please visit my website and feel free to call if you like. Also join our email list to find out about conference calls. http://www.MuslimSoberCompanion.com
2. When you start to learn about the addictive process you will learn that inside your husbands mind is an addictive side that tells him he is making a good choice with porn/drugs and a side of him that wants to stop and be sober. We'll say side A, and side S. The more he or we connect with the A side, it gets bigger and stronger. The more we connect with the S side,it gets bigger and stronger. We connect with the S side by getting him to reflect on different parts of his life like relationships, feelings, activities, goals, culture etc, and point out things that bring him closer to the A side or things that bring him to the S side for example. Ask him to write down the time of day, events and ideas that come to mind before and after he he acts out and have him write it down in a journal daily. You will see a pattern develop and you can use that information to help him. Also ask him what his goals in life are and show him how porn contradicts his goals. Remember his brain is not like your brain. It is always trying to “justify” the use of porn for him. This is the “A” side and it is real, powerful and confusing but it can be made small by strengthening the “S” side.
3. Don't argue and yell. Just like your husband will never be satisfied by using porn to cope with problems because the porn it's self is part of his problems.
Arguing and yelling is part of your families problem. Here is why you don't want get sucked into yelling and screaming with him.
This is how his brain works:
a. Pain makes him think about acting out (taking part in an addictive behavior to change mood and cope)
b. He acts out
c. He gets more pain from acting out (wife mad and yelling,not paying bills,shamed he can't stop etc)
a. Pain makes him think about acting out (taking part in an addictive behavior to change mood and cope)
b. He acts out
c. He gets more pain from acting out (wife mad and yelling,not paying bills,shamed he can't stop etc)
and on and on and on etc...
4. Don't do anything for your husband that you wouldn’t do for him if he didn't have an addiction related problem. Don't pay for something, fix his problems, help him to avoid consequences of is actions, or do anything that could indirectly help his addiction. This takes self reflection. It's like how some parents of children addicted to cocaine will continually write a check to save them from getting kicked out for not paying rent, or paying a car note to keep the car from getting repossessed. Or lying to their child's boss at work about why he didn't show up for work. You must disconnect from him with “love”. Don't be mean. Do it with love.
Think about this for a second. You’re a grown man, your rent is paid for,your belly is full of food, you have a roof over your head and you don't work. You are comfortable in your addiction. You are getting paid to watch porn or use drugs! Why would you change if you don't get any negative consequences for your actions???????? Don't help the “A” under any situation.
The heat of consequences is what helps people to wake up and see themselves for what they are, sick, spiritually broke and going nowhere. He needs to feel his consequences no matter where it leads him. But do offer him encouragement and love but not much more then that. You can't do it for him you can only develop yourself and point him in a better direction. You can't overly concern yourself about him and get “addicted to taking care of him”. That just won't help. Be his helper in recovery not his adversary or caretaker.
5. Make him aware what you love about him and how you want to help him without criticizing and shaming him. Connect him to positive stuff we would do before the addiction. Tell him with adaab, “I will no longer support the 'A' side”. He might have no interest in improving. At that point, your job is to get him interested by showing him with love how addiction is causing him life problems, in a matter of fact way, without lecturing and sarcasm. You can do it sisters, place your trust in Allah! You might be able to get him into treatment. Try to talk (not yell) to him about it sister to brother. If that's not possible encourage him to join an online program for people struggling with porn (some are Islamic). If all else fails after education, after you've stopped helping his addiction, and after your own self development, you will need to learn how to organize an intervention yourself, or hire someone who can help organize one, and do it. A intervention is a way of speaking a language that a sick person struggling with addiction can understand. The language of Love. If you’re going to do it, you must do it right. I will be happy to speak with you about these issues. Call if you can use any advise.
Know that if your husband is beating you, his stopping the use of drugs/porn is not going to stop him. His beating you is a separate issue then drug/porn use. You need to involve your family and his family. Here is an ayaat you don't hear a lot about in sura Nisa. Here Allah is talking to bystanders of domestic problems. When we know people are having problems he wants us to intervene in the situation and not stand around and look. Allah says what could mean “And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it to happen between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].”
If you know you are having problems don't be super woman. This is a family problem so be open with the family. Why go through it alone? When you got married you had a wali. You, pick up the phone and call your wali right now, and let him know whats going on. He has a mother, aunt, sister, father, speak to them together. Have a family meeting and bring a relative from your side of the family. You should always know what your options are. If you don't know, get a pen and a piece of paper and figure it out. Writing things down and seeing them on paper separates us emotionally from the situation and lets us think clearly. Sometimes a woman feels like she has no options, but she does. Now isn't the time for fear or weakness. Also we take ayaat with hadith. We don't just take Quran by it's self we take it with the explanation and examples of implementation from hadith. The prophet was reported in saheeh Muslim to never have hit a servant,woman or animal. He gave animals rights he also taught people not to beat or overload them. He told people the best among you are those who are best to their wives. A person who beats his wife is a person out of control and Allah gave such people stages to cool off and not just react with anger. He taught us that those who hit wives are not the best among you. If it's getting worse for you, then what do you think will happen if you do nothing about it?
Summary
At this point I given you a starting point = personal development. I given you a way of understanding the problem= S side and A side. I given you a way to interact with him=not to yell and argue but do point out his contradictions as a “helper”, not as a “caregiver” who helps the “A “side in him get stronger. I told you some resources you can tap into= online help of people struggling with porn you can search for and my web site http://www.MuslimSoberCompanion.com . I told you about worse case scenario=intervention (do this before divorce. It works 85% of time) I told you about who can help you= his family, your family along with your wali at your marriage, and your local Islamic center.
Question
Now what are you going to do? What is the first step you know you should take? Take it.
Dear Brother
I want to add that my husband family put him rehab without his willingness may b 2005 for 84 days.
I live in bangladesh.the center was not good coz they r not financially capable. After back from the center he don't have any desire to go the center though it is faar away from his city.
it was situated in another city.
then 2007 again after my marrg he admited another well know center in our country for 2 monts. he was cauth by the center people.He never will to go any center.
After 2 months of the tratment he come back from center and stay clean for 10 monts. then again slip.
Again we caught him to center. it's for 21 days.after 15 day again slip.
then given another center for 15 days. then after 2 monts again put another rehab for 81 days. then again for one months , after4 that again for 84 days.
All we admit him without his willingness.
coz he has no will.
Now more than one yrs we don't admit him in any rehab.
we lost our wish or financial capability to admist him again.
What can I do?
Plz tell me.
.
I was interested in your intervention theory mentioned in but tired to contact http://www.MuslimSoberCompanion.com you mentioned. My husband is in Uk but cant or wont seek help because he is so ashamed - do you have any intervention or contacts in Uk please for mutilpe addictions including porn/sex.
I do so want him to get help he prays but Allah alone will not help as satan in blocking this
Salaam, I have been reading this thread and am in a worse position.
I'm 23, mother of 20 month old son, 3yr old daughter.
My husband has been abusing heroine for many years, I have put in numerous rehabs, paid to privately have implants put in his body where drugs will have no effect on the body for 6 months, I have tried getting him clean at home, locking him away. Still had no luck
He has stolen things from my home, robbed people, robbed his family, and his own child.
He has made many excuses, last Ramadan I kicked him out.
I have been supported by my family but have not told them the depth of my situation, he was in prison for 10 months and released 3 weeks ago. I have told him I'm going to divorce him, as I found out he was associating with a drug addict of 20 years.
He wants to see the children, but I hate him, his face disgusts me, I have so much anger towards him because I have done so much 4 us to be a family.
Now I work and provide for my children all on my own.
Please help me decide what to do aside from my prayers. Wether to stick by him or to start the divorce.
P.s I don't trust him at all to be anywhere near me because of the past. I can't forgive what he has done to my children, my 3 yr old cherished her baba, she still cries 4 him and asks y her daddy doesn't come back from work
Please please give me ur thoughts or suggestion, anything will help no matter how minor it seems.
Walaikum asalam b&s's
sister my eyes filled up with tear to hear ur story.
I want to leave him. But don''t get support from my family.
But I m trying to convice my family.
My parents r not capble to bear my and my 4 yrs daughter expenditure.
I have several problem.
I pray for u.
U can just pray to Allah and if it is possible give him divorce.
Salam
I have the same case. I don't know what to do? Do things get better over the years or do they get worse? My husband has relapsed 3 times and is using heroin since many years. Nothing is helping. I'm so depressed
Whatever decision you decide to make feel confident that up to this point you have done a your best according to your resources and understanding of the problem. May Allah reward you. You have stood by your husband and gave him some of the best years of your young life, all for his sake. If you were to just walk away and separate from him for a year or two you would have nothing to feel guilty about.
With that in mind I would like to ask a few things.
1.What is the longest length of stay he has had in a treatment center?
2.What type of treatment centers where they, alternative with meditation, hiking etc, 12 step or something else?
3. Was he getting Methodone therapy?
4.Did he start off using prescription pain medications and switched to heroin?
5. When he gets out of treatment, at what point does he start to break down. 1 week, 2 months or is he looking forward to using the second he gets out?
6. Has he gone to the exact same rehab every time?
7. How does he pay rent, get food, and live?
5. What type of after care does he get when leaves treatment? After all the after care is the most important part. 12 step meetings, http://milatti-islami-program.ning.com/ , http://www.lifering.org, http://www.egetgoing.com/ ?
6.Have you thought about having professional recovery coach stay with him? http://www.Muslimsobercompanion.com (my site)
7. Do you always say to him "I'm going to to this and that if you use again, but never do it?
8. In the past when you asked him to go to treatment does he go willingly or did you have to do a intervention?
9. Does he want help?
10. Where does he live right now?
11. Does he have a sponsor?
Ws,
Thank you for your reply
1st the longest he has stayed is 11 days in rehab just over a yr ago
He was in a rehab centre were they are closely monitored, they have talks, he was on methadone and within a few days of lowering dosage he was off.
I'm not sure how he started but it was when I was pregnant with my daughter and he was working away long hours with friends who were also users.
Once he has come out of rehab it's about 3 weeks roughly to my knowledge that he uses again,
The first time he went he left that very night, second time was 11 days..
I have threatened him and kicked him out a week or do in the past but never actually left him.
But since last Ramadan I made my mind up because it was effecting my kids and me too much and also I moved to a new house after alot of waiting, eventually on the first day of Ramadan my prayers were answered and I started a fresh.
I have not seen him in almost a year, but a part of me does not want to divorce him although I have told him I will after this ramadan. He now lives in his flat that he has always had, I'm not sure how he is surviving, it does worry me but is it still my duty of care?
I pray to ALLAH he will change for my children.
Should I leave him?
I don't have the time or energy however to help him out because I feel like he is not a man, a man looks after and loves his family and does everything right by ALLAH. Instead he has bought 2 innocent children here and left them fatherless. Personally my dad is my world my mum is my rock.
I don't want my kids to hate me in 10 yrs but I know I tried hard.
Divorce is not something I take lightly, I fear this to be a grave mistake. By ALLAH what else do I do?
Thank you once again for your time to read and reply,
May ALLAH swt reward you greatly sister tahsin
May Allah have mercy on those men who have neglected the other half ov their deen inshallah
Jzk
Just so you know I am a man (no problem). It sounds like to me you already made your decision on what you want to do. What is making you hesitate seeking a divorce, when you are no longer willing to get him help? What are you hoping will happen? Take a look at the videos on my blog.May Allah make things easy for you.
I beg your forgiveness for my mistake brother,
I think a part of me is hoping that he does just change, I think they say with addicts no1 can help them until they help themselves.
Brother I fear what others will think if me and how people will look at my children. I know I am strong but deep down it matters, I come from a family where divorce has never happened because ALLAH has blessed ereryone with happiness. I understand every marriage has hard times, but is this just a hard time or is it time to end it is my issue.
Thank you brother so much, this means a lot to me.
Also sister, does he have a family? Do they not hep because they don't know how or because you have been keeping stuff a secret?
His brothers have washed their hands off him as they have tried so much but have had no luck as he can't break the cycle of friends. The one person who has put him into this positions has no contact with him any more.
His mum is concerned and tries talking to him, but it hasn't made a difference.
Now he is pretty much Alone
He has also dOne a lot wrong by them such as stealing from their homes to fund his habits but sad as it is he did by any means try and provide some sort of finance towards his children but I don't believe it was through halal means, may Allah have forgiveness
It is not your issue sister.IT IS A FAMILY ISSUE!!!!. I can tell you right now he will not change by himself. If you have checked out of the marriage then don't waste one more tear on this matter . Develop yourself, and move on. If his mother wants to help him, have her look at my website and videos. She can call me if she likes. I offer a unique way of dealing with these types of issues.
Going back and forth will get you nowhere. You should be in it or out of it, but not stuck in the middle.
My fiance is drug abuser and i came to know last night. I love him so very much i cant see him like that pls help me pls other wise i ll die about this
Sameera, please read the answers already given to this and other similar posts. One word on your comment: you will not die.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I couldn't find.. Pls tell me in detail.. I m very upset so tense