We are married, but my husband refrains from sex
No Love...No Intimacy
Salaams,
I recently had nikah, with rukhsati to follow next year. I am in America and he is living in a different westernized country. We talked for ten months primarily via email once a week before we got our nikah done. Our rukhsati will be next summer inshallah.
What hurts is that not only does he still only communicate with me once a week, but also that he does not want intimacy. After our nikah, I wanted to have sex but he said he wanted to wait until after our rukhsati next year.
Now this is very puzzling and hurtful for me. It also makes me feel so unattractive and undesirable. (I did not let him know that he hurt me deeply though, I did not want to create problems.) I know that socially, we are supposed to wait for the rukhsati to have sex, but these days I know that most people do not wait for the rukhsati, especially in westernized countries.
Also, we have both never had sex before, I thought that once it is halal for a Muslim person, why would he/she wait? We already have to wait so long until marriage to have sex. (Makes me wonder if he is gay or something.)
This process with him has already been so long and drawn out. Other boys that I talked to before marriage were ready to commit to me after just a few months of talking; he took ten months. So I thought, okay well once he commits at least maybe then things will go a lot faster.
But that didn't happen either, we still only communicate maybe once a week, and he treats me like a friend rather than his significant other. I am 26, older than a lot of other girls when they get married; I have wanted marriage since age 16. I thought that if I waited for so long for the right guy, maybe then things would go faster at the finish line.
I've tried to do all of the right things in life, hijab, praying, studying hard. But no, it's like Allah wants me to just wait and wait and wait and suffer. It's like there is no such thing as delayed gratification, only "delayed", no "gratification".
I feel like all of my attempts to advance our relationship has been rebuffed. I want to talk to him more than once a week. I've tried initiating texting and chatting on top of the phone calls (we have progressed to phone calls)-- nothing. I've told him that I want to talk more frequently.
I don't think he was forced to marry me; this is what he said in his email, " I know it’s YOU who I want to marry, it’s just that now isn’t the right time, if that makes any sense.
I’m the one who is not ready yet. So for me, this Nikkah will have to be an engagement, meaning that we are committed in front of Allah to spend our lives together, but that all the “other things” associated with marriage are something we can discuss after Nikkah."
Any thoughts?
~ asdf
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Salaams sister
i know what you are going through i know someone who was in the same position as you they both were virgins too. Turns out the guy she married was not ready for sex, and kept putting it off, she wasn't even allowed to talk to him or what not before the marriage she respected her parents wishes. So when the time came when they married after 3 weeks they divorced. That girl since hasn't remarried because how he made her feel and top it all why did he marry her if he wasn't ready for a husband and wife relationship. That girl even excepted him has her husband what shocks me is arrange marriages like this are becoming common and i am too very puzzled why a guy would do this because that girl suffered due to him making lime excuses and false promises.
When i read your post i am sorry but points out the same situation as what my friend went through and that is he isn't attracted to you, and dont want to be honest with you. My strong advise to you is think long and hard and find out more about what he gets up to and also it does appear to me that he may not be into women i could be wrong may allah forgive me and sister i hope inshallah you make the right decision, thin long and hard because marriage only happens once do not let it be the wrong person what ever you do please, listen to your heart and mind the signs are there dont ignore them
DEAR BROTHERS AND SISTERS ALL I JUST HAVE TO SAID IS THAT EVEN THE BOY OR GIRL YOU WANT TO MARRY IS FORCING YOU FOR SEXJUST TELL HE OR SHE TO WAIT UNTI YOU BOTH HAVE MARRIGE.BECAUSE IS FORBIDEN IN ISLAM RELIGION TO DO SUCH A THING.
After nikkah sex is not forbidden even before ruksati they are legally married and are allowed to have sex... sorry but you need to increase your knowledge
Before ruksati she can't even she in nikah but ruksati is must.
No, Noor is correct. After nikah they are married. Rukhsati is merely a cultural custom, not an Islamic requirement.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
If in such a situation a girl got divorced after 2 years of mariage nd not having sex with her husband.. But then she wants to marry him again cz the boy is now ready wo husband wife relation.. Is halala necessary for such a situation of remarrying.. They had no relation after mariage nd the reason for divorce was actually that.. And now after divorce of three months they developed some understanding now nd they want to live together.. Is halala necessary??
Kindly give me some legal islamic argument in this situation.. Plzz email me on this address
********
Maham, there is no such thing in Islam as halala. That practice is haram and condemned. If the couple have been divorced only once, then they can remarry with no problem.
We do not offer advice by email, so please do not post your contact info here.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
If you have already had the nikkah, you are already married. This is defined by Allah, regardless of what culture dictates. So of course, as a wife which you now are, you have marital rights of intimacy upon your husband just as much as he has over you.
I am not sure if your husband is just misinformed about what constitutes a marriage which permits sexual intercourse, or if he is just being stubborn. He needs to be educated that it is not required to wait for a rukhsati to consummate the marriage. In fact, he is actually sinful to wait to fulfill the rights you have right now. He needs to understand that at the time of Prophet Muhammad SAWS there were no such things as rukhsatis. There were walimas, which are a reception that takes place soon after the nikkah....not something like a year later. In any case, Islam didn't require Muslims to wait until their walima was completed to join together in the marital bed. They could go straight from their nikkah to do that if they wanted to.
I really hope your husband will change once he understands all this better. If not, then that means he is in active disobedience against Allah for denying your rights. This could be considered a grounds for divorce, so you need to really take the time to understand his motives in taking this stance and determine if it's tolerable for you. For all we know, this could be one sign of him being totally uncaring for you as a person and a wife, even after the rukhsati. I certainly hope for your sake it's not, but nothing can be factored out at this point.
Have a serious talk with him. If he's receptive, then great! If not, then you have some reflection to do on what it may mean for your marriage in the bigger picture. I hope that everything works out for the best, insha'Allah.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam Sister,
think of this, Assume you had sex with your man now, and for a reason things don't work out after a while and you will left divorced,,, what happens here then,, you loose 3 things at once, first of all your virginity on a guy that doesn't deserve, second, you are divorced, thirdly, you are divorced without even moving in to your own house,,,,
I really think you should take this as a chance to get to know him better if you can wait until rukhsati. Marriage is only ones and that's because you will be virgin only ones, ones it's gone there is no way you can take it back so make sure you take this step wisely. you said you have waited so long for marriage, do you really think it's this easy for you to give your virginity after waiting it for so long?
Sister be-careful with your act, don't just follow your feelings and emotions. make sure you are using your mind to think and not your heart which is full of emotions.
I am myself engaged, haven't had rukhsati yet, we both agreed not to have sex until we move in together. honestly life will be more difficult than you can imagine been pregnant in your families house or been away or separate from your husband. I really thank Allah for guarding me n for still keeping me virgin even after engagement. i really like to value and respect myself, and i don't think i would give up my virginity without having a place of our own where i can call my husband house....
Sister AMY, what you said is true at the time of the Prophet SAWS, but the Sahabas even though they didn't have anything, ones they make nikah, they take the girl with them, the husband doesn't tell the girl to stay with her family and have sex with her. I don't think it's appropriate for a female to be married and stay at their families house while the guy lives somewhere else and yet wants to have sex with her. I think sisters nowadays should have respect for themselves. you can't just throw yourself out there just because you waited for so long... something like this should be valued above all and shouldn't be given so easily despite the kind of man he is until he fulfills his responsibility of given her a place of her own.
Sister, one thing i will tell you, before you demand for you rights of sex, ask him to rent a place just for the two of you to move in together and to have a family of your own. you move to his country or he moves to yours whichever that's convenient for you guys. believe me sister, any man would want a women as long as she dresses up, smells good when with husband and always obeys him and is always clean. don't think you are not attractive enough for him, it's probably that he didn't see that beautiful side of you, but if you live together, he'll know. Just be patient as you have did in the past, and fast when you can. Tell him to first do rukhsati and rent a house for you and takes you to his house, then you both can freely have sex without a question.... the life you live in now, will just bring you more confusion and you will start seen him as the wrong person because he doesn't fulfill your expectations and it will not stop untill you two move in together.
Marriage life is difficult but with patience and the help of Allah, you will always overcome the obstacles on your way.
May Allah Protect you both and puts barakah in your marriage.
Salaams,
Sister, I have to disagree with you in that she shouldn't be putting off her marital rights if that's the way she is feeling. Marriage is a shelter against sin and temptation, and her husband is only making it worse for her. It shouldn't be her fault, or anyone elses, that a particular culture came up with a phenomenon called "rukhsati" and makes married couples live apart unnecessarily. If a couple isn't in a position to live together for whatever reason, they shouldn't have the nikkah until then. That's true Islam, and everything else has made things more complicated not easier.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu Alaykum, Sister Asdf
I agree with Sister Amy, you need to be sure you understand fully what his reasoning is, what he is waiting for. However, no matter what his reasoning or justification, he is not following the way of Islam, of submission to Allah. It is his role and responsibility to provide love and affection to you, his wife. If he will not or cannot do this, either way, he is not being a proper husband to you.
That said, I would guess that in every marriage, there are times when a husband is not a proper husband to his wife, and there are times when a wife is not a proper wife to her husband. I'm not sure what is going on, here, but do your best to get to the bottom of it. Do not speculate in your mind that he is gay, or has some problem. He may just be so nervous he cannot speak of it. Getting him to talk, well this may well be hard. Try your best, as it seems you are doing.
I do not recommend sharing this with anyone else, because no matter how innocent or simple a discussion of such matters may seem, if it got back to him that you were discussing this with others, it could cause a major problem. Imagine his best friend coming to him and saying "So, I heard you are unable to please you wife sexually, what up with that?" This would not be good.
So continue to talk to him. If he refuses, there is something else up. You need to have a husband who fulfills his duties. If you are considering divorce, once you have decided, pray Istikhara to confirm your intent.
Until then, pray to Allah for guidance. Once you get to the bottom of this, it may end up being a minor thing, and well worth the effort. I pray than ten years from now, you and he will have children, and be living the happy life of pious Muslims.
May Allah Guide you. Amin.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
first thing first is nikah done or not? "this Nikkah will have to be an engagement, meaning that we are committed in front of Allah to spend our lives together, but that all the “other things” associated with marriage are something we can discuss after Nikkah." i think u should make this matter clear first with an alim to see if the nikah has been done or not, because it seems he has done the nikah as a way to engage rather actually intending to do nikah as nikah, if u know what i mean.
secondly, it seems like u have been in haram relationships, by talking unneccessarily with non-mahrams that too possibly without a mahram being present when u made the contacts. im assuming so because u said 'Other boys that I talked to before marriage were ready to commit to me after just a few months of talking; he took ten months.' u may need to increase ur knowledge in this matter, so that u can at least teach ur kids about it in shaa Allaah
thirdly, ur not being very understanding of ur fiance/husband. ur jumping to conclusions! and others on here are encouraging that. stop being ethnocentric people!! yes, nikah makes the couple halal for one another, but in some cultures it is not expected for the couples to be intimate!!! now, it seems that this is the case for you too, as u have mentioned. yes, some poeple in the west may not go with this, but some still do!! now, if in between this period divorce or death takes place, and u have lost ur virginity, then the person that u marry next may well doubt ur character, because as u said it is not expected socially (in ur culture) for the couple to be intimate before rukhati, and though u may say that nikah had happened and u lost ur virginity to ur hubby, but will he believe u?? that is the question, which we cannot answer. whereas when u lose ur virginity after the announcing the wedding and living toegther, then if u lose ur virginity it isnt an issue because it is natural to lose ur virginity then and expected socially too, because that announces that basically u are ready to consummate, whereas, before ruskhati that announcement isnt made, so he may doubt u, as it wont be expected, and he may think that what if u had sex with somone else. now this may sound unfair, but im just telling u about the society. u are living with the people from ur culture, not with the poeple who allow sex before ruskhati, hence, if anything happens ur the one who will face the consequences.
i know u have waited a long time, it must certainly be hard for u, but u need to keep faith in Allaah; we all go through challenges, but its not right to lose hope in Allaah. this is not the right attitude.
now, i dont know what the reasons are for ur fiance/hubby keeping a distance from u, but it is probably cultural reasons, he probably isnt getting close to u for YOU so that if tomorrow anything happens YOU wont get pointed at !!! anyway, have a chat with him if u want to about this, but dont frown upon him, frown upon the culture that have made this restriction, its not the husband that doesnt understand your feelings and desire, but its the culture, and he is only going with the rules of the culture in this case, because he doesnt want u to be called a prostitute by the poeple in ur society if u lose ur virginity before ruskhati !! now if this sounds ridiculous, well, its not me or him that have made these ridiculous laws, its by society, we are just warning and preventing u from being called a prostitute by society, not us individuals.
someone made a comment, which i think is pending, i saw it on the dashboard, but its not on here yet. he was saying that virginity can break after ruskhati too, so u may as well not have sex after marriage either, in case divorce happens... he obviusly doesnt get the point, but i hope u will do, now that u have read this.
http://www.islamqa.info/en/ref/74321/after%20nikah%20before%20wedding u may want to read this fatwa.
i think u and others need to stop being so critical of him, because he could be making this distance for her honour, and he may be keeping in touch in limits so that temptations dont rise from it making it more difficult for her... just because someone is silent, doesnt mean that they dont care about u. if u want to know his reasons then ask him, but thinking so negatively is very very wrong! even if u dont agree to his view, but u need to be understading, sometimes u have to look from the others point of view, we are all individuals with differences, u have to understand that sometimes people dont act they way u want them too, and theyll care for u in their own way that they think is best for u, but that doesnt mean that u take them to be uncaring! im not saying dont talk about this with him, but be understanding and positive, not ethnocentric!! instead of seeing urself as unattractive think of it positively that he is making the distance because u are temptingly attractive!! and isnt having sex with u not because he doesnt understand u, but he is thinking into ur future, he doesnt want u to be in any risks!!
i dont know what the issue is here, but i think u and the others need to be more positive and understanding, otherwise u are just going to upset urself and possibly hurt the relationship by ur negativity.
get urself into good hobbies, that will keep u occupied and divert ur attention in shaa Allaah also lowering ur sexual desires in shaa Allaah, which are normal for humans and ur not any different... get into hobbies that will be benefial, not just time pass. Learn more about islam so that u can teach ur husband too in shaa Allaah. the closer u get to Allaah the better for ur this life and hereafter in shaa Allaah. also fast more often, that will supress the sexual desires in shaa Allaah and it will become easier for u till ruskhati. spend quality time with family and righteous friends and so on. this will in shaa Allaah help u get through. Be patient and understanding, and more importantly, keep faith in Allaah.
once nikah is done its not zinaa to get into a sexual reationship with ur husband, however, u would put urself under huge risk of being called a prostitute if u do this before ruskhati, choice is now urs.
take care
Salaams,
Personally, I think it's more "ethnocentric" for individuals to continue to engage in an unislamic cultural practice, and then make explanations as to why this happens. I really don't understand why people of ANY culture cannot simply postpone the nikkah itself until they are able to freely have sexual relations and live together etc. What is the point in having a nikkah at all, if you are still living as though you were single for weeks, months, or even years?
I am not coming from a western opinion. This is Islam. If you want to marry someone, you marry them and then begin living with them. You give the spouse their rights, and they give you yours. If you can't give them their rights until a future time for whatever reason, then simply don't get married- just wait until you are in that position and then have the marriage. There have been way too many posts on this site alone about the complications that practices such as rukhsati cause, when if it didn't exist to begin with there wouldn't be this dilemma of "what if she gets pregnant and ruins her reputation, because everyone expects them to wait to consummate....then they will have to divorce etc etc". All of that can be bypassed by following Islam.
I am sure I sound very passionate, but it just seems so counterproductive to me to see generation after generation sabotaging themselves by continuing these types of practices. If those who are now young and just getting married want to see the cultural changes that have been needed (by the admission of countless posters) they need to stand up against what is unislamic in their regions! Just because something is a local practice and deeply entrenched, doesn't mean it's worth perpetuating. Young Muslims need to be brave and bold and stand up for true Islam against all the malpractices that masquerade as Islam. Especially in today's world, sticking our heads in the sand and letting culture dictate what we do as Muslims will only cause more ruin to the ummah.
I apologize if I seem intolerant, but I just feel there are too many instances where Muslims let things "slide", all for the sake of culture when there could be so much more benefit in trying to change their culture so that it conforms more with the sunnah.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam sister Amy,
I couldn't agree more with this statement of yours;
Young Muslims need to be brave and bold and stand up for true Islam against all the malpractices that masquerade as Islam. Especially in today's world, sticking our heads in the sand and letting culture dictate what we do as Muslims will only cause more ruin to the ummah.
I can't see any other way around these situations and uprooting the evil practices that prevail in many cultures, surely we should/must take charge of our own lives. Parents deserve respect, care and love but that doesn't mean that we should let them ruin our future and same goes for so called culture/society who don't offer any support but are quick to judge, gossip and back bite. They only need a topic to discuss or rather waste their time as they don't have anything else to do.
May Allah (swt) have mercy upon our Ummah. Amin
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
:(,
Sister whatever the reason for this brother behaving in such a way, it's not acceptable unless they both agreed to live separate or not to be intimate (for whatever reason). I absolutely agree with you that people shouldn't assume the worst, and honestly I had hard time reading some of the comments who even suggested that he might be gay. I mean it's not impossible but we need to think the best/positive about our fellow brother and sisters. Also, it may be that this brother wants to get to know her better before as they both may not have been able to discuss things in a bit detail despite getting to know each other for 10 months or so.
Allah (swt) knows best.
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Salaam sister,
I come from a pakistani background.My cousin had the nikah done but not the ruksati yet.
He was living abroad and she in Pakistan.But in our culture we have sex after ruksati has been done.Meaning after the woman gives her marriage party and departs from her parents house.So having sex before is allowed but does not happen.
You mention he lives in another country. How you can have intimate relationship while living apart? Secondly, if rukhsati is not done, likely you are still living under your parents hood, how intimacy thing is going to happen? Don't you think less communication is because you guys are living in different timezones or maybe he is not a good communicator? Lastly, if you can wait for so long, why not another few months, paints the wall red in privacy of your own home rather then your parents home.
Honestly, to me your post seems like more of an emotional outburst then a genuine problem. May be you are just tired living with parents/siblings.... and blaming your husband for all the shortcomings.
this is what i hate when the man is apart of the problem.
if it was a lady who wanted to wait to have sex after nikah or marriage then lots of people especially females would of said, oh you are a man complaining of your wife because she wants to wait to have sex and that the man is a sexual predator of some kind and that is is not being understandable to the feelings of the wife.
In this case it's the husband who is wanting to wait to have sex even though they are allowed to because the nikah makes it halal to have sex. the husband is still accused of being bad. people give reasons to why husband does not want sex of course especially females again i wonder why. the reasons are either 1. he is not interested and not attracted to you 2. he is gay 3. he is already secretly married 4. he is cheating on you 5. other reasons unknown. either way the man/ husband is going to be belittled and let down also be accused of any and everything. sorry if it sounds harsh ladies and all you good righteous wifes' but you all know this in your subconsciousness minds salam people.
Brother,
I disagree with you on saying that "lot of sisters" views are biased on many issues regarding fellow sisters on this post or others. Yes, there are very few sisters but majority of them masha Allah give a very balanced advice and I have been on this forum long enough to confirm this. There are a few posts where we see biased opinions from sisters as well as brothers but we moderate such comments. Then you went on to say;
In this case it's the husband who is wanting to wait to have sex even though they are allowed to because the nikah makes it halal to have sex. the husband is still accused of being bad.
I would agree if this was mutual and this brother would have spoken about not being intimate or starting a family immediately and they were both happy with the arrangement and went ahead with marriage. But, no where has the poster suggested that there was any such agreement or if she agreed.
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Muhammad1982 i know what you are saying. but the sisters who do have a biased biased view i have seen a lot and don't like them very much and i know just like you that most sisters on here are good muslimahs too and sorry if i offended anyone.
asalamolaikum sis,
plz dont get confuse with the discussions made up there and clear ur mind..thats v rite not to drive ur slf with emotions n think sensibly...i ve also had nikah ths july n my husbnd is also livin abroad m in pakistan n im also 26 n i also wanted to have sex with my husbnd i actually talked about it with him..he had no issues only that he asked to w8 until he comes back to pak. he also wants to hav sex as much as i want...he cares for me n is v understanding...if ur husbnd isnt intimating with u thn thr is smthing hidden...its nt necessary that hes gay cz sm1 i know whr i wrk was gonna get married even he was a gay...more over that is true in my opinion if he isnt responding to ur needs as a husbnd should aftr nikah thn he certainly had nikah with you cz of other reasons n actually isnt interested in u...even if he is shy i think being his lawfull wife having all the rites over him as a wife ..u shd discuss everything very straight abt wht u want wht r his responsibilities over u n if he isnt interested in u or has no interest to start sexual relationshp with u..then u should better take a step ..may Allah guide u n protect u from the evil whisperings of shetan n ppl..ameen
Hello my dear sister,
This is one of your muslim sister Sana. I am in the exact situation that you were with. Please tell me what happened till now of your marriage life? I swear when I read this article I felt a strong pain in my heart. it is exact story with me. Please for the sake of Allah SWT tell me. Is your marriage is success? your answer will save my life. I am waiting
Salaam sister a marriage should be an intimate relationship between a man and women not only physical but emotionally too. Everyone needs to feel love by there husband or wife that's the reason why a person want marriage. You need to talk to you're husband about you're happiness. Everyone deserves happiness with their spouse inshallah he'll understand if not you can't live in an unhappy marriage no one deserves to feel alone. May Allah bless you with you're decision and guide you.
bros nd sis nowadays 1 thng is best nd that is love marrige girl nd boy should see meet nd talk to each other then they should get married after knowing each other very well... arrange marrige is useless nd now mostly it fails because when boy nd girl dont know each other minds thoughts doesn't match they cannot b successful... it's just like having sex with prostitute in arrange marrife because the boy nd girl never met never knew each other nd slept together... Love Marrige is the best nd successfull...
If he is not hungry for sex and likes you anyway, consider yourself lucky. Because once the intense phase of love making is over, such guys still care about their spouse
I think he is very much afraid of sex 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁
give him medicine
My opinion is that this was arranged marriage and the heart is either with someone else or he is too invested into his western life that he can’t imagine going through the whole thing and adjusting to this new life style. May be the marriage was just done to keep the family happy. If he was Gay he would be already with the other person and she would have know him as his best male friend. There is a secret life and as mentioned he is or was a virgin that can’t be proven.
Salam Anna,
It doesn't have to be that. In their culture they have an event for giving away the bride called a "Rukhsati" which means departure. It signifies the moment when the girl's family is no longer responsible for her and her husband becomes responsible. The nikkah they do as an engagement to make it halal for the couple to spend time or talk together or basically date without consummating the marriage. It also shows a level of commitment and the girl and boy come off the market.
There are a couple of advantages to doing it this way. The guy and girl can figure each other out more and decide if this relationship is going to work. If there are any glaring issues a divorce would still keep the chastity of the girl/guy and make it easier for him/her to get remarried. They're not bringing a child in too early and it's easier to pick up a good catch while the son/daughter is still not quite ready to support a household and isn't fully on the market.
The OP is feeling not as desirable but there isn't much of a relationship here. She's e-mailed him once a week for 10 months. That's 40 e-mails before jumping into bed and they have a long distance relationship. If I were in the guy's shoes I'd probably want to do the same. Long distance relationships are tough, might as well get the engagement and wait until the person is actually present and then delay consummation until we're sure this is going to work.
Assalam alaikum..
I want to share my problem too,, i am stressed out can any body hrlp me.. i need some advise
Only you can help yourself by analyzing your response to your problem.