My husband is taking advantage of my parents’ hospitality
No money.
AOA
I have been living in USA since 11 years. I got married 3.5 years ago in my home country and sponsored my husband which took about 2 years. Now he has been living with me here in USA since 1 year.
I was student when I got married and whatever I earned from my co-ops, I basically spent on the visits to see him. He lives far away from here so the trips cost a lot of money.
However, his family did not treat me with respect. His mother took away the gold jewelry set that was given to me from his family and also kept my wedding dress as well.
His behavior was very nice with me when I used to visit him but now that he has come here, his behavior has changed. He says bad things about my family and about me even though we both have been living at my parents' house ever since he came to US. He does not appreciate that my parents are letting us stay with them.
My parents are old and they both work to keep the household running. It makes me very upset that I have been married for so long and still living with my parents, and now that my husband has come here, he is also living with them, and still not appreciating or respecting them at all.
Once he came here, his family asked him to send them money because his sister is getting married. So whatever he is earning, he is sending to his parents back home. This is making me very upset because the only reason why he can save money is because he is living with my parents. If he was to rent an apartment and do all the grocery, he will not be able to send even a penny back home.
Whenever I tell him that whatever you are doing not seem right to me because you are not taking my responsibility, he gets all grumpy and starts talking loud and says rude things. He thinks that I want him to not help his parents, but I always tell him that you have to give me the rights as well not just your family and that if you were to live on your own, you would not have been able to save any money to send for your sister's wedding.
In addition, his family back home has recently bought a new car which seems to me that the money he is sending is not going towards his sister's wedding but to buy things to show off.
This thing has been going on for a very long time now and I dont trust that he is willing to take my responsibility. In addition, living with him at my parent's house is taking away my self-respect, no woman wants to live with her parents along with her husband after marriage.
- Sarah
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I think it's outrageous that you have gotten married and not only put the responsibility of supporting you on your parents, but also the support of your husband. YOU chose to get married, so why on Earth are your old parents the one who are picking up the responsibility of YOUR choices? Personally, I would feel like the worst person if the world if I allowed my parents to spend even a penny on my husband - because, quite frankly, it's the husband's job to support ME.
As the cherry on top, he disrespects your parents - again, it boggles me how any woman can allow anyone to talk badly and disrespectfully of her parents. Truthfully, I would kick a man to the curb if he even once talked badly of my parents. That's just not okay, I ahve too much respect and love for my parents to be able to accept that anyone talks to them like they're trash. By the sounds of it, it's really your husband and his family who are trash and I don't understand why you're putting up with all he and they are doing to you and your family.
If you don't want to leave him, maybe you should just give a lesson the hard way. Pack his things in a suitcase, leave them in front of your parents' house and tell him to take a hike, he's not welcome in your family's home when he disrespects them as he does, and does not help them when he's staying at their house. Seems like it's going to be his loss, not your's or your parents.
Honestly, people only do what you allow them to do - so your husband is taking advantage of you and yur parents, talking to you disrespectfully and neglecting his responsibility to you, because he never suffers the consequences of not stepping up the plate. Be a woman and stand your grounds! Not just for yourself, but my God, also for your parents!
Assalamualikum.
Adina is absolutely right. Your husband probably can disrespect you and you may forgive but never the disrespect to your parents!
It is quite right too that your husband is acting the way he does simply because you are allowing him to do so. And disrespectful to your parents and non-support to you are already 2 big reasons for you to wake up and act what you think is right.
Such a husband is not worth living with. If he is good by heart, you can feel it at start. Anyway, it is only ALLAH ta ala who totally knows each one of us. Pray and insha ALLAH answers to your burdens you will be granted ameen.
You have to sit and have a chat with ur husband. Lets make a plan, look for new house coz you 2 r moving out! Stop letting him taking further advantage. Move out and u'll see he will be forced to become responsible. Zazak Allah.
Assalaamu alaikum,
You are better off getting rid of this freeloading parasite, for that is all he is. This is a bad start and will only become worse for you and your family. So cut your losses. These people don't change only get worse and he is shameless enough to reveal his true self whilst being funded by you and your elderly parents.
I might as well have copied and pasted from an answer I gave to another sister, but these marriages with spouses from overseas are rarely genuine on the foreigners part. They only want a fast track to wealth at someone else's expense.
You don't say whether you have kids but send the fraudulent creature back to where he deserves to be. I'm assuming he doesn't have US citizenship yet.
I very much doubt he would even consider moving out of your parents home since he's having a free ride there. He insults your family when his own are cash hungry snakes. In the thick of it, I suppose you failed to see them for what they really are when they stole your gold and dress.
Hit him where it hurts and get rid of him. People should be enlightened on the reality that exists when aiming to marry someone from third world countries. The mentality is totally different and there are far too many cases like this where they are very calculating and callous. (Not saying every inhabitant is!)
FINALLY SOMEONE GETS IT!!!
I keep telling people that, if you are in a richer country such as America or England, it is best NOT to marry someone from a third world country such as India or Pakistan because majority of the people there would sell their souls to the Shaytaan himself just to come into those countries and they will use you! Why a lot of people haven't realised that is beyond me.
As for the sister, yeah get rid of him. If I had a wife who was being openly disrespectful to my parents without a genuine reason, such as they are giving her a hard time or being mean to her, I'd tell her straight and if she continues then I'd throw her out the house.
This man ain't worth anything if he is acting this way so my advice to you is to leave him.
May Allah help you.
Br. Asim,
it is not about not realizing it just like this or that--it is about education as Sister Zara mentioned below.
at the end of the day, families perception of Islamic values or LACK thereof has fueled these type of marriages. Quranic iyahs are taken out of context to make women feel they are less than men. Parents marry their daughters to men back home because they think it is a good idea to keep their daughter under control. They think also maybe the men back home will be more family-type men and won't go to clubs. The mentality is NOT limited to this, but it is screwed up!
On top of that, I think a lot of parents DONT KNOW HOW to marry their daughters. They think it is shameful if their daughters minutely even like a man and IF she would suggest a suitor to her parents--they will think immediately think "WHAT, is he your boyfriend!?!?!" The wouldn't entertain the idea that you can actually like someone before marriage--it would have to be their choice.
obvioulsy, we have a lot of work to do as an Ummah. we have to make clear to our youth what is Halal and what is Haram and not make Haram what is Halal for them. And cultural thinking needs to sail off on a ship forever if it is opposing to Islamic views.
It is sometimes true that gradually we were stripped of our culture and language and tradition while thinking that we were treading the path of progress . We made the enemies our reference, we overlooked their horrors and crimes , we thought these were the price we have to pay for the betterment of humanity in general , and we were ready to pay the price as high as it proved to be . Palestine was taken which was a big thing in itself and then our resources were exploited and taken , our language our heritage were declared useless , our traditions outdated , our society inadequate, our thinking reactionary , our heritage empty .
This is what our enemy made of us : a complete failure , leaving us in want of everything , demonizing us thus, making us convinced that our culture and civilization were defective and in great need to be straightened and redeemed . This process of demonizing touched especially the Ummah. The western monster demonized all keeping all the good attributes to himself and acting in the name of God and religion and welfare of humanity while helpless we watched this usurping of the morals and principles in which we had faith. Indeed the modern western civilization is extremely corrupted and many of our brothers and sisters in Islam are being influenced by it and so they must always remember the rules of Islam, fear Allah and must not make halal what Allah declared haram.
I do think we have to be a little careful about what we call the "Western" culture, because I do not necessarily think negative when I think of this. I see this world as Allah's world. I think of Western countries as an organized system, where there are clean roads, a place that has a system, a place where we voice our opinions openly--I realize that there are negative things, but I'm not sure we can blame others for our own shortcomings--and I never understood why we put the Western Culture down, but continue to flock to Western Countries by lying and deceitful means.
At the end of the day, the place you live or where you come from shouldnt be a problem or hindrance if your belief system has strong roots in Islam. You will know what it is wrong and what is right. Islam should be the ultimate guide--if men and women knew the list of rights and responsibilities for marriage, the sister above wouldn't be facing this problem!! Islam was meant for protection for women where before that time a woman was no more than property. Islam was meant to protect us from the very situation that is being described, but lack of proper education leads us to this situation. I have been there, and as we can see, many other girls too.
May Allah guide us on the straight path. Ameen.
It is going to get perpetually worse! I think the previous response was harsh regarding you chose to get married--i know in my culture this is a very common practice to get their daughter married back home, sponsor the boy/man, and pay for him forever!
I did it and I would never allow my daughter to go through this! Funny, even my now husband who I went through said he wouldn't let our daughter go through this!!!! Strange how the picture changes.
Honestly, this will get worse. Do yourself a favor and put some conditions on him. I know that divorce is not liked, but living like this is no marital blissful life--how about make him leave and tell him you will join him when he makes something of himself? Tough love is the road you may have to take, but he is not going to do things because you or ur parents want him to--in urdu they say "larkhi walay hain"--the one with the daughter--it is a crime to have a daughter in certain cultures.
You are not wrong to expect your basic rights--read more about what you are allowed in Islam and exercise those rights. My husband was sending his full paycheck back to his parents too after we got married and I know how this feels. I took it and i thought i could handle it, but i feel bitter and resentful especially because he is not appreciative of this and never will be. you can't change anyone, but you can change urself.
InshaAllah, stand up for urself and things will be better--whatever outbursts occur, they are bound to happen and once they are over, both of you can focus on what is better for both of you, right now he is only thinking about himself and his family and you are merely a stepping stone.
Good luck!
"i know in my culture this is a very common practice to get their daughter married back home, sponsor the boy/man, and pay for him forever!"
I don't care about your culture, it sounds really messed up, no offence. Plus, I don't belong to your culture, neither do most Muslims - Islam is what matters, not Pakistani or Indian culture. Islamically, this is not a normal practice at all, it's NOT the parents' job to "sponsor" their married children and their spouses! And I still have a really hard time comprehending how anyone can let their parents, with good conscience, financially support one's spouse. It's messed up and unislamic. Allah has clearly stated that a man must provide for his wife. Period.
I do not support any culture, but what you have to understand is that if this girl tells her parents she wants a divorce, it isn't as simple as they will back her up. Even if they are being disrespected--and I do not care for these cultural practices either, but doesn't help to say to someone "how can you let your parents be disrespected?" when the parents themselves support these practices.
It is ingrained and taught rather than the PROPER Islamic practices--so in how to deal with this situation, it makes it important to know the cultural thinking.
I was not in support any of the unIslamic practices of any culture; nor do I suggest this girl (or any other girl!) accept or condone them either. So although you quoted me, please understand what I was trying to convey. If you grow up in such a home, you don't even know that it is wrong.
Am too WAS married to one from this culture and our time was too painful for me to live. at the beginning of our marriage I was the one who supported my family thinking that when he luckily finds a job, my condition will be reversed but I wrong. the time he was earning his wallet I cannot see in our home. He doesnt want to buy even milk nor one cloth for my son as to him, what is the use im having job. He bluntly told me I need to spend my earnings in home.
He doesnt want to give something for my son but was fighting that he MUST support schooling of his 16 year old brother and needs of his father's family.
Disrespect for my 67 year old mom was there, putting zina on her image.
Bad words here and there.
All these killed my feelings if I had and hope. So clear that he is one kind of a person whom a wife cannot entrust her and her children's future. Result, it made my heart so hard and I filed for a khula which was granted by the court.
Our sister here will have her specific time and she will make the right decision insha ALLAH.
I just wondered when families and ladies from their culture asked me this " why you married from our culture when we ourselves donot wish to marry our men".
Well everything happens for a reason and ALLAH ta ala only knows what reason is that.
I hear you Maryam. Thank goodness for this website and the editors, they will get endless blessings (inshaAllah) for educating the Ummah and helping to correct the injustices that are suffered. I deeply appreciate their comments and their efforts--these topics are very sensitive and when you have NO ONE to turn to, a person can come here and say what is in ur inner thoughts to discover if you are sane or not. Alhumdulillah.
No woman should have to endure unIslamic cultural practices. I know Pakistani/Indian cultures are mentioned, though I didnt say that--I do not think it is necessary to mention that particularly because women of ALL cultures suffer. Also, as far as I know that cultural practices are not wrong UNLESS they are haram--I certainly didn't realize how immensely culture is taught as Islam by some parents, but unfortunately it is. If Islam was taught perfectly, I doubt this forum would be necessary!
Again, Alhumdulillah for this site and the editors. You have influenced my life in ONLY a postive way. JazakAllah.
I'm really glad we agree :). I didn't consider that it's the parents themselves who want their children to get married like this and sponsor their spouses. I have a really hard time understanding how they think it's a good idea...
Sister,
This is not a marriage...this is a matter of convenience....for him and his family. He is a freeloader and biting the hand that feeds him to boot. If you love him and want your marriage to work, give him an ultimatum. He either get the two of you an apartment or pack his bags, go home and grow up. This man has absolutely no self respect at all for himself.
Salam
Assalamu alaykum sister,
Sorry but how can you let him disrespect your parents?they are old and you let them to work for yourself and your husband???is not their responsibility is your husbands!!!and on top of that he doesnt appreciate it and is disrespectful to your parents?why do you let him to do that to you?why dont you leave?honesty i would never ever stay one year with a man who disrespects my parents and doesnt support me but instead his family?it doesnt sound like a man to me sorry.if i was you i would run as far as i can …. is your choice if you want to let him to treat you and your parents like that or if you want to live another few years with him.i really dont understand how people complain about their situation but dont make any effort to actually change it?you do not only have responsibilities but also right which is given to you from your Creator so why dont you make use of them?if you do not stand for yourself and for your rights how do you except your situation to change?
salaam
my dear sister i think the best way for it to hit you and take action is by setting him a test
stop giving any money to him if you are living with your parents house then pay them rent pay your share of the bills if you have joint accounts seperate them ask him for spending money food money and if he does not do not put food on the table for him do not wash his clothes if he cannot give you your rights he is not intitled to his and you have grounds for divource
and i have been there myself and i have two kids i dont beleive that even if you move out that he will pay the rent or bills been there they dont i know how you feel but cut your losses now mine took my gold off me aswell so i know how it feels but situation was a bit different i let it go to protect my izzat from his father some of these people can be really nasty
get youself out of the situation get the authorties involved and get him sent back do not tell him that you will send him back rather tell the authorties and get them to pick him hold him, in custody and send him back on the next plane
he could get physcial if you tryed it on your own or he could go into hiding
any way
still do istahara and start your jurney and go with it
i pray for you and hoope for the best
allah hafiz
Ohh yes! Perform Istikhara..
as-salaam-u-alaikum-wr-wb ukhti..
right.. I think you know the answer.. what do you think you should do?
Is it right for him to be using your parents & you this way.. It just seems like he's used you & also your parents just to get here & he's transformed himself in to a money making machine for the sake of his family..
the selfish thing doesn't seem to appreciate anything! to start off with a roof over his head! It just seems to me as though he's taking everything for granted.. he's thinking.. "right Okay.. I've got everything going all kushti for me.. no one really objects as such.. everything's running smoothly here.. so I can get away with having no INPUT whatsoever!"..
I think he should pay towards the grocery shopping or at least something! he needs to have his input at least.. & you should really be saving money for your property.. I hope he's not thinking it'll go on like this forever?
well start off with.. you need to communicate with him in a civilized manner.. tell him of where he's going wrong & exactly what this all leads to.. so he can take this situation seriously..
Also.. try to educate him in terms of how Islam teaches men to treat their wives.. through lectures? articles? anything really.. so he can understand and put a stop to his foul mouthing..
Sister,
I agree with all the above. In addition to this do NOT give him citizenship! Do not fall for his love or affection they will do anything to get the passport.
This is a common desease with marrying a man from back home. Their only motive is to obtain citizenship and be the breadwinner for their family. You are only the means that he can attain this.
Take action now. Do not let him ask you for time believe me I have been through this when you move out it wont get better!. You need to sort it now. Throw him straight into the deep end.
First of all move out from your parents, find a cheap rented flat. Sit down with him in front of your parents and relatives and tell him about your plans to move out and that from now on he needs to pay the bills as this is his islamic responsibilities. You will no longer pay a penny as you are not obliged to. Tell him and his parents that he has to pay all the household bill and after that what ever is left over he can send back home! make it crystal clear.
Also he also needs to save for the future to buy a house so you need to keep track of how much he is sending. He needs to discuss the finances with you.
Also when you move into your own place if he doesn't pay the rent, you don't pay either or pay for food. just pay for your own food. let the freeloader starve! Then if you get kicked out for non payment of rent you can move into your parents but do not let him in. Tell him to organise a place for you until then he has to sleep rough!
Sister do not put up with it. The more you sit there doing nothing the worse it will get. If you want to bring about a change in him you have to give him the hard life ASAP, or else you he will be forever living in paradise while you live the hard life!
I hope he becomes the perfect husband and son-in law inshallah, x
This guy seems quite acclimated to the culture of making sure your wife gets treated like a maid while you free load off of her. Honestly sister if it was me, i would move on, not look back and try to marry where you live wherre you share the same culture
Salaam sister,
I wish something would be done for girls from America and Europe to make them realise the most likely outcome of getting married to guys from back home. I think parents also need to educated. Im not saying everyone does this but majority of girls experience this very situation you are going through. Whatever im saying is from my own personal experience.
First they are very loving, respect you and your family. Once they get married and come over, get their rights to remain in the country things change. Their true colours appear and its not nice. Their family takes PRECEDENTS over you, your family and even any children you have with them.
They will keep sending money back home it doesn't matter about you. They will take advantage of your parents and disrespect them. It doesnt matter if his parents didnt do a thing for them they will always come FIRST also his brothers and sisters. Its ok to send money back home but there should be an extent or limit not to ignore your own family.
I would advise you to try and reconcile if you can but don't bring any children into the picture . There may come a stage when this man may gets violent and his parents and family wont care about you. They will never bother about advising their son that don't treat your wife like this because they are afraid if they go against him the money will stop.
I wish somehow awareness could be brought to sisters thinking about marrying abroad. I believe their are many women like us. Another thing i have noted men like that have bad friends or migrants who also advise them to leave their family and commit haraam such as have affairs etc If theirs any other sister who has experienced the same i would like to hear your story lets bring awareness instead of it being swept under the carpet.
If you cant reconcile and his family wont support you cut your looses short and move on find a guy as the previous commenter said from the same country as you.
May Allah guide you & keep you safe Ameen.