I regret losing my virginity and I am very ashamed!
Hi, I am 15 and I lost my virginity before marriage about 8 months ago. I've had a sexual intercourse with 4 different men. I don't know what I was thinking? I had a best friend and she was actually a very open girl. She gave her body to every guy. She was very sexual. And when she told me her stories. I was having the desire to also have sex before marriage like her because I thought it was "cool". I got very bad influenced from her. She influenced me to of things that are haram.
I've done every haram thing in this world besides murdering. Like I've drank, smoked, had sex, and I have been touched by different men. I really regret it and I fear Allah. I fell in love too and I got heart broken. My mom always warned me about losing virginity and about having boyfriends but I never listened to her and disobeyed her.
I am very ashamed and disappointed at myself. I cant even share this matter with anyone because every one will point there fingers at me and taunt me. My mom always wanted me to marry my first cousin. He's a very good Muslim and is a virgin. I dont know what I should do. I live in the USA so thats why I got influenced badly. He lives in Pakistan and hes very cultural and religious. I want to marry him now because I believe whatever my parents choose for me is the best for me. He always wanted to marry me. We live so far away from each other. But soon, we will inshallah get engaged because that's what our family and us have decided.
But I feel really bad that he's a virgin and I am not. And the fact that he doesnt know is really sad. I dont know how to to tell him that I am not a virgin. Should I even tell him or not? I am really confused. How do I ask for forgiveness. Will I go to hell now? Will I be punished. I am really scared.
~ Annie
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Annie, As-salamu alaykum,
First, have you stopped the haram behavior that you were doing? You need to completely stop the sex, smoking and drinking, and make a sincere tawbah to Allah. That means that you regret what you did - which you clearly do - and never plan to do it again, and ask Allah's forgiveness.
Also stop associating with the friends you did these things with. These are not the kind of people you need in your life. Try to find friends who are more religious, who respect themselves and believe in Allah.
You are young, and you made some bad mistakes. Someone corrupted you, and you went along with it. Make a sincere tawbah, and Allah will forgive you, Insha'Allah. Do not think that you are going to Hell or any such thing. Allah is the Most Forgiving and Most Merciful.
The matter of marriage to your cousin is another thing. First of all I have to say that I am against first cousin marriage. It's unhealthy and brings an increased risk of birth defects in the children. However, Islam does allow it.
Secondly, I feel you are too young to get married. I don't think American law even allows marriage at 15. Focus on your education, learn about your religion, get involved with a Muslim youth group. Give yourself time to grow as a human being and get some distance from the mistakes you made in the past.
When you are ready for marriage, you will face a difficult decision of what to tell your prospective partner. We've had many posts about this subject on this website so I will not repeat all those discussions. Maybe one of our other Editors or one of our readers can look those posts up for you and give you the links.
I will only say this: do not reveal your past sins, but also do not lie. I think you should say something like this:
"When I was younger I made a mistake, I had a friend who misled me, and as a result I am no longer a virgin. I have made my tawbah to Allah and I regret what I did. I will not discuss any details or say any more than that, but I wanted you to know. I hope you can still accept me."
Some men will reject you because of this. Other men will be willing to overlook and accept you, Insha'Allah. That's a burden you will have to face.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother Wael,
Isn’t saying that "I'm no longer a virgin" revealing that past sin? Would it not be better that she gage prospects who place chastity on a high scale?
As I’ve read numerous cases of sisters here who were honest about their past (and sincerely regretted it), their husbands initially accepted it but after marriage turned the tables around and became abusive. If a person has sincerely repented from a sin should they not keep it between Allah swt and them?
-Helping Sister
Salaams,
We all make mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes are pretty big, and we have to live with the consequences for some time to come. However, there is no sin or mistake we can make that Allah won't forgive when we ask Him with sincere repentance.
You can't undo the choices you've made. You can't take back the past. The reality of that should be your motivation to avoid making future mistakes. What you can do is make tawbah to Allah and live each day doing the best you can to be in obedience to Him. Allah loves to provides a means of redemption for those who are seeking it, so I believe if you do marry a good Muslim man you will find comfort and acceptence that will help to heal the pain of your regrets.
Love is a miraculous thing. When we are genuinely loved by others, we find the strength to be the best we can be. We find the motivation to fulfill our God-given potential. We learn to become better lovers ourselves- lovers of Allah, lovers of others, and lovers to our own souls. It is a dynamic force that creates hope and renewal in a world tarnished by the hazards of sin.
If you care about this cousin, and he cares about you, that love can grow into something that will encourage you to be the best Muslimah you can be, while putting distance between you and your past. We are not obligated to disclose our faults and past mistakes to someone voluntarily. If he asks you about things you've done before, you can honestly tell him, "I've made a lot of mistakes that I truly regret, so now I'm trying to live the way I wish I had been back then. Can we move forward based on who I am now? That would mean a lot to me."
I can't tell you if you will be going to Hell or not or what you will or won't be punished for. We are all begging for Allah's mercy in this; whether we've done better or worse than yourself. One thing is sure-Allah did say that He will be merciful more than angry:
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may ALLAH be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of ALLAH (peace and blessings of ALLAH be upon him) said:
"When ALLAH decreed the Creation He pledged Himself by writing in His book which is laid down with Him: 'My mercy prevails over my wrath.'"
[Muslim (also by al-Bukhari, an-Nasa'i and Ibn Majah)]
Don't let shaytan trick you into giving up your present and future by keeping your mind in a constant replay of what you've done. The past does NOT predict your future, and the one you have ahead is full of the most abundant opportunities and lovely experiences. Dream about those, and put the old nightmares to rest.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Well what would I say
Firstly , my reaction is that u did wrong and I want to say something harsh but it won't make much difference would it
Let face the fact anyone including your parents or other relatives curse u or talk hard about the issue well that's natural and also even how much u curse yourself or do anything
The fact remain that whatever is done is done u lost your virginity u done bad or haram things and its done u can't change it or do anything about it
" no matter how hard u try u cannot changet ur past "
Secondly , well u must ask for forgiveness from allah regarding this
Thirdly , regarding hell I don't think no mortal now till the end of times is capable of telling who deserves hell or heaven .
so think ull go to hell is not right , start building your road towards heaven.
Lastly , well regarding should u tell your future spouse or not well many will say no u should not reveal your past its " between u and allah "
but my approach is a little different I feel that a marriage is build more on trust rather than love , love is something different it brings excitement in a marriage , but trust is the first or core block in an marriage , if its broken than only god can save the marriage
So in my opinion u should confess to your spouse , I know the difficult in this that this might also ruin your marriage also he might come to find out that u r not a virgin
Offcourse others will tell , that there might be many ways to prove that virginity can be loss and now " we also have a doctor "
But every foundations based on weak blocks on day collapses
But that my opinion its your life , ur future decision should be your only keeping in mind your future
sister, may Allaah forgive you and me.
asking for forgiveness involves, abandoning the sin straight away which alhamdulillaah you have dont.
it involves regretting what you have done which is the title your post.
and fisrt and foremost, putting your hands up towards the heavens and asking Allaah to forgive you.
it also involves hiding your sins from everysingle person, not telling anyone after this, ever.
and also, inshaallaah, replace the sins with good ddeds, praying on time, reciting qur'aan, fasting voluntarily, al birr towards parents.
Assalaam Walekum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu sister Annie,
Welcome back, better late than never.
I would advice you what Huzoor Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam had told about beginning a new life after marriage: Its better not to talk about past .This goes for both husband and wife.
This may be because He aap Sallallahu Alaihi Wa sallam was aware of how capable an ordinary man and woman are as far as forgiving is concerned.
Now concerning the trust between spouses.Even the likes of prophets have been tested with regards to their spouses.Ibrahim Alaihi Salaam and Our beloved prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam were tried out.
Trust should be only in Allah Rabbil Izzat for keeping our sins covered.And nothing is more displeasing to Allah the most beneficient, than seeing his servant being disgraced and embarrassed by His creation.
Regarding your to be Husband's virginity, as mentioned by you He is pious( Allah knows better),If Allah paak wishes He will never have to go through the pain of finding out this secret of yours.And if you expect him to be ok with you and reveal the secret to him, then you will be putting his faith also to trial.Your past sins are not related to him, you have put your soul and body in trouble by acting wrongly,so your repenting should be limited to Allah alone, the keeper of all secrets.Its against Allah that you have committed attrocity , so ask for his mercy to forgive you.And also make it a habit to be merciful and covering sins of others as a reminder for Allah's favour on you for keeping your secret.As Allah says: THOSE OF YOU WITH POSSIBLITIES, WONT YOU PREFER ALLAH'S MERCY ON YOU, IN RETURN OF YOUR MERCY TOWARDS MY CREATION.
After all this if still one day secret is revealed, then do not lose faith In Allah.For He knows better what good lies in for what He does.
Its very hard to live normally once you know a secret.Unless one has strong faith.Life is not a movie.Its referred in Sahih Bukhari that people have been put test for what they preach.As its very displeasing to our lord that we say something which we do not follow ourself.May Alllah the treasurer of all strengths give us all strength to do what we say and have mercy upon us if we fail.
All I will say is try to be firm footed on your Taubah, fight the evil thoughts, by teaching the horse of your heart likes and dislikes of Allah Subhaanwataala, which will be helpful to you when ,shayateen will put thoughts of your past in your married life.Your friends are not worthy of you, cut all connections with them.ALL PRAISES TO BE ALLAH AND HIS WORK, FOR MAKING YOU REALISE TO COME BACK HOME.
May Allah the most mecrciful and only one who is capable of forgiving all sins of mankind and others have mercy upon all of us. Aameen
Allah Hafiz wa Nasir
Dear sister Annie,
Please do not get married:
1. You are only 15
2. You have wronged yourself and so you need a lot of time to set back and understand what this life is all about
Please do not reveal your past to anyone and never utter word of it to any soul. Your past is only and only belongs to you and noone else! The least you could do with your past give it some respect- keep it to yourself for rest of your remaining life. Talk and cry to Allah a lot. Allah (swt) is All-Hearing and All-Seeing, so please turn to Allah and ask for forgivness. You ate in need of Allah and no one else. Grow and become strong. Make dua to Allah (swt) to give you strength to live this life. Never give up hope on Allah.
Please do not marry your cousin. Sister I know of a girl of your age who married her cousin. At first the cousin liked her a lot anf always wished to marry her but unfortunatley something similar to you happened and so girl's family found out and the only way the family could hide the shame was to marry her with the cousin. The cousin cried like crazy that he does not want to marry her but he was forced to marry her and the family assured him that by marrying her later in years he can marry second time round to girl of his choice. Therefore, sister pls be kind and do not marry your cousin. I am not saying that.the samething will happen to you but no one knows the future.
Instead please focus on youself! Turn to Allah. Ask for forgivness a lot! Focus on your studies. Takr the opportunity complete your university (if possible). Get a decent job. Become financially secure. Become independant. Become successful. Become self-assured and happy.
Break all your connections with those bad girls who tricked you in the wrong path. Avoid having friendship with any boys- even if they are God-fearing! Dont let anyone to take advantage of your past mistake. Dont let anyone to emotionally blackmail you. Become friends with good muslim girls. Learn about your beauitful deen. Learn who and how Great Allah (swt) is! start to do your prayers- if you dont know how to, go to a masjid and ask a sister and inshaAllah they will be more than willing to help you. Or get a book on salah. start to read tne Quran. Take Qur as n classes. Attened islamuc talks. Fast during the month of ramadan. Do charity work. Help good people. Become extremly kind to your mother. Observ the beautiful hijab. Become part of your mudlim community. Love those who loves you for the sake of Allah (swt)! Never give up hope on Allah (swt). Take one step at a time towards the path of Allah(swt).
I wish you well sister and if you want to talk to anyone of us then we are here to listen and help you.
Oh Allah Forgive me
Look after youself,
Parveen
-x-
There sister, my truth and honest advice to you is dont listen to those that said you should'nt get married... It all depends on you., if you feel it will be difficult for you to control your sexual desire, or you know you are hyper sexual., to prevent further sins, please get married as soon as you can. Marriage will not stop your education if you are in school, alot of women which i know are students whilst still married and every thing is moving fine with them.. You can as well plan your marriage and prevent the pregnancy until you have graduated from your school.. This way you would satisfy your needs with your husband and you would maintain your moral conduct, your friends and class mates would respect your pasonality and integrity... Another thing is dont reveal your sins to anybody and of course dont lie.. If your fiancy ask you, tell him that your past is btw you and Allah and if there is anything you 've done wrong in the past, you 've already as Allah for forgiveness.
Salam, I will just say this much, don't reveal your past sins to anyone including any future husband. Your sins are between you and Allah only. I found this on sunnipath " An 'effective virgin' is a woman whom people consider still a virgin, even though she may have had sexual intercourse in the past without this being presently known about her. This is because virginity is something of great social weight in Islamic society, and for a past error (from which the woman has presumably repented) to affect her honor and future would be wrong. [Radd al-Muhtar, Majma` al-Anhur]".
salaam:
as someone who was lied to, i will tell you DO NOT HIDE YOUR PAST---my husband made me believe he was a virgin, and i found out after a couple of years of marriage taht he had lied because my pap test showed that i had hpv---
that was oe of the worst news of my life--but what was worse was for me to find out that it wasnt that he had been with just one person, but a few---
i am having the toughest time forgiving him---i have had no other man besides him in my life so, it is a tough decision---i think the person who is about to marry you has the right to know the truth---if they accept you despite what you have done, then they are a better person but if they reject you then you have to accept that because you made some bad decisions in your life and therefore you have to deal with the consequences of your decision---that is why islam is a religion that always forewarns you---our actions have consequences---we are responsible for our actions--you cannot keep blaming your friends---did she physically take you to the guy and take your clothes off and made you sleep with him? no---yes friends influence makes a HUGE differences, however, ultimately the decision to act or not act lies upon us and if we choose to do something vs NOT do something then that is OUR fault and no one else's---the reason i say this is that unless and until you accept that you did wrong and that YOU made the decision to do that wrong, whatever the circumstances, you wll never be truly repentful and therefore your asking for forgiveness will sort of fall short--Although, at the end of the day it is Allah swt who will forgive you---so accept where you are wrong, do NOT place the blame on your friend, but realize that bad company does affect you, but at the end of the day it wasn't her fault that you did what you did, if you feel she will continue to be a bad influence, then slowly distance yourself from her---
also, i agree about you being too young to get married---if ur fear is that u will be sexually inclined, then fast to keep yousrelf away from sex with random men---also, fulfill your life with other things, positive activities so you do not have the need to go have sex with random men---get closer to yoru family as well---i would take some time before i would think about marrying anyone --u have a lot of self-repair to do and if u are broken and taken on marriage, you will ruin both your lives---
i wish you all the best
Asalaam alaikum,
The above post put it forthrightly: have yourself tested for sexual transmitted diseases (STDs) before marriage. If you are positive for any of them, you have an obligation to tell your spouse about your health condition beforehand, as they would contract the same disease from you.
If you turn out negative for any STDs, please have yourself retested in 3-6 months from the time of the first test to reaffirm those results, provided there has not been that amount of time lapsed between your last sexual encounter and your fist test. In other words, from the date of your last sexual encounter you should have two tests to determine STD status within 6 months.
Giving a STD to your sexual partner may make you civilly liable and criminally guilty, if the disease is a fatal one like HIV, the disease which causes AIDs. Several verdicts in the United States and abroad have been favored to plaintiffs wherein they contracted a STD from their sexual partner.
While I agree that you should keep your past sins private, in the case of STDs, this is not the case if you are positive.
Also, no mention was made that in having sex with males over 18 years of age, you have been sexually assaulted by the definition of law in the United States. Were there mitigating circumstances such as intoxication or drug use during your sexual encounters? Were you intoxicated during any sexual contact, etc.? If so, then you have legal grounds to bring about rape charges to your local police enforcement. It may be a case wherein these men have sexually assaulted underage females before. You need to assess this issue and talk to your mother about what has happened.
How old is your former friend? If she is 18+ and she facilitated your sexual encounters with these men, was she acting in the manner of selling you? This is an important question to ask yourself, as well. These occurrences have been known to happen, unless of course, you sought these men on your own.
Please seek counseling for what may have occurred to you. In fact, I believe that you need to undergo a self assessment of your sexuality before engaging in marriage with anyone. The violation of rights of your sexual dignity cannot be overlooked by thinking that it will not become a problem in your marriage. Because of your prior experiences, it is common to misunderstand your sexual impulses and misuse your sexual inclinations, as well.
I mention this, because your cousin is a virgin while you have had several sexual encounters. Sexually you two are on different planes of sexual experience, though of the same age and thus, you may not be matched correctly in sexual expectations. Please consider this fact before taking a virgin spouse.
These questions must be answered before effective remedy can be ascertained and proper forgiveness from you with due sincerity.