I want to marry a Bengali man
How do you overcome families who play the race card?
I am in love with a Bengali man and we want to marry once his studies for his masters are finished. The problem being I am not Bengali. I am a white British Muslim woman he is US Bengali. He comes from a lovely family but his father is very traditional and says that as we are from different cultures this cannot happen. I am heartbroken but we dont want to give up our hopes to marry. Any advice or help that anyone could give us to overcome and maybe appease his family to change their minds would be greatly appreciated.
I don't understand why it is a problem, I am a caring, decent person, my faith is strong and I am educated and if they would only give me a chance to show this to them maybe they could see that they are actually gaining a daughter that would care and love them as if they were my own mother and father.
What can we do to get through this?
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Sister Naimah, As-salamu alaykum. Have you actually met his family yet? Maybe if you were to meet them in person and they could see that you are a good Muslim woman, and a decent person, they might change their minds.
Also there is the question of whether the Bengali man you want to marry is standing up for you with his family. Is he meek and submissive with them, or is he letting them know clearly that he wants to marry you and that he feels strongly about it?
Lastly, I would suggest that if the above two points have been met, try bringing an Imam from the community to speak to his family and let them know that discriminating against someone on racial grounds is not the Islamic way. He could also quote to them from the Quran and Hadith to remind them of the brotherhood and sisterhood of all Muslims.
One other point. I don't mean to question your faith, but if you are a practicing Muslim then how is it that you are "in love" with this man? What sort of contact have you had with him? Feelings of love are not wrong, but unmarried Muslims are supposed to observe codes of modesty and proper behavior with each other and it would be difficult to get close enough to fall in love without violating these codes. If your behavior with him has been improper in any way, then perhaps that is the basis of his family's objections.
And Allah knows best.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam Sister,
At the moment they disagree with you "in principal" - however as Wael says, this may change once they meet you, and realise how intent this man is to marry you. That take a combination of courage and dedication from you both to win them over - which should be easily done if you are both good, determined and God fearing people inshaAllah.
Peace,
L
hello,
My problem is some what of the same. I lived in UK for my Post graduation and I fell in love with a Mauritian Muslim, while i am a Bengali Hindu of India. My parents agreed on this marriage and took it to a stage of engagement, with one condition that I should not convert and be allowed to practice my religion.
On contrary my would be inlaws wanted me to convert and do the nikah. So i and my boyfriend made a meeting of both side parents in India. The whole situation of the meeting so messy and melodramatic of me willing to change the religion but my parents being dead against it and not allowing me to do so made both my and my boyfriend break the engagement.
Initially my BF parents had only one criteria that i should do the nikkah and convert in order to do so and that our children should follow islam. I was very willing on it, but my parents from the 1st day was against on if there are criteria now to change religion later they will force you to do Muslim activities that you are not use to which might give a rebel and lead to fights in the wedlock couple.
I and my BF dont want to give up the relationship and I am all for changing my religion and accepting my new form of name and lifestyle. I more so don't want to give away the religion is I am a divorcee and my BF knows it and his love decreased Inspite of this truth, in fact he fell in love with more. He has been thorough my tuff times of life and made me a strong and courageous person. Can you please help me how to make both side parents come to a compromising position as we don't want to hurt any of the party
Thank You
shirin
Dear Sir/madam,
I do not find why so much debate on interfaith marraiage.Marriage in the same faith,culture and economic level and the is encouraged because of harmonious relations and possibilty of less friction between couple.For matured people marriage with anybody of his/her choice is permitted under special law and when you are marrying for love then why there is the question of religion.Your children may follow any religion may not follow any.For good people law of the land and constituition should be the only criteria.Be bold and proceed accordingly,
I believe Islam upholds the view that a Muslim should strive to build an Islamic family. This is rooted in the philosophy that accepting that which is true is more important than our own desires. As such, I believe that raising a family that observes that which is true from the Islamic perspective (i.e. the Islamic way of life) is essential as Allah (swt) deserves that we worship Him properly (i.e. by following the way of life He has bestowed upon us).
Of course, love is important, however, if it is possible to revert to Islam, one should certainly do so if they are marrying a Muslim. This is essential towards building a stable Muslim family which follows Islam. Also, of course it is important to observe the laws of a land (so long as they do not contradict Islamic practice entirely and leave room for religious practice), however, a Muslim is still obligated to follow Islam under such situations. To answer your question simply: Religion is important to consider as it is one of the factors of compatibility. Psychologists have now discovered that compatibility (personalities, beliefs etc.) is the determining factor for a strong marriage. Love then becomes a function of this compatibility (i.e. it is the product).
Marriages solely based on "love" have often collapsed as we see so often in the West. At times such marriages are entered without considering many factors. Love will only hold a marriage successfully together if it is reinforced by an overall worldview that allows for a family to understand one another.
I want to share something with you. Me and my husband are both from the same country, and I asked my parents if I could find somebody myself, they said yes. I never had boyfreinds, so I went online to a muslim matrimonial site, and put my ad up. When I met my husband online, I asked my mom again. She said it's okay. Then they even sat us i n the living room when he came over and asked us if we are serious about marriage. We said yes. And this was all some sort of act I guess on their part. They were afraid we might run away and humiliate them if they had said no, or I might complain my whole life about the spouse they would choose for me. Even though on the outside they were trying to make it look like they are letting us do as we please, they actually had another game going on. They continiously lied to him about me, I guess they thought he would leave. They intentionally made comments to put me down in front of him, so he would think I am not good for him. Even after I was married and had a baby, it was only when I was already with them and my baby on the way to my parents house (my mom wanted me to go to her house because she claimed that people will say they did not take care of their daughter after childbirth. This is a tradition in Pakistan. The girl is taken care of for 40 days after childbirth, and they convinced my husband this is why thery are taking me) just me and my baby with my parents leaving my husband behind, that they started talking about how I cannot go back to my husband because they were gonna do some lies and stuff.
Another story of a bangali woman I want to share is that she says her son likes a girl and I even asked her if she is muslim and wears hijab and she answered in the affirmative to both questions, but since she has her own ideals of daughter in law, she will not let him marry her. Even to the point that the girl has to be from her own caste. So this is how our culture is. This is completely out of line with Islamic values. In Islam, its your right to choose whom you want to spend your life with. In islam, it is a great sin to cause bad things between a husband and wife, and to think about things like castte and nationality is unislamic. Our southasian culture is very complex. I was raised in the west so it was a shock to me how my parents behaved with me, and then when my in-laws came into the picture. Over there marriage is very superficial. A girl thinks its all about money. The husband has to be educated and earn enough for her. The more the better, because she will get more respect in society if she has a educated and good earning husband. And plus, these are poor, third world countries. It's not like the west where almost everybody can eat and have clothes and cars. Over there is no value for a human being. A person's value comes from superficial things like beauty, money, caste, wealth....If you don't have this stuff, you get mistreated. If you have it, you get everything. Which again is not in line with Islamic values, but these people don't even know about their own faith enough. And they worry a lot about what others say. Because of others, your value in society increases or decreases. And because of what others will say or think, you make descisions about your kids, and life. In the west, you decide what to do with your life with out thinking, " if I let my son marry my freind's daughter, what will happen between me and my freind? our relationship might sour because of the couple's marital troubles" . Maybe his father is really genuinly concerned about the cultural gap. Do try to explain to him how you will overcome it. It is a big problem. Even people who are from the same country, but raised in different countries have trouble with this. Their will be differences in how to raise kids, how to eat, what to eat, what a wife's role is, what marriage actualy is, what a daughter-in-laws role is, what you think is bad or good, and many other things.
I agree with you fully. Im 17, bengali and i want to marry my 18 pakistani longdistance bf. But my parents will say no, but his parents know about me and are fine with it. InshaAllah we can marry in a few years... Ameen.
best u go out from this closed circle, happend to me same, like u , was very painful,
i kept waiting ......now they destroyed me and am sad.
my response is for " Naimah"