Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m 17 and I’m in love with an American soldier

United States Marines marching

United States Marines marching

Question:

Assalamu alakum!

My name is Emanne, I am 17 years old. I know that talking to boys alone is haram, but recently I started talking to this guy who used to go to high school with me. He is 20 years old and he is in the U.S. Marines. Right now he is stationed in Japan. At first I was just asking him how his life was going, but slowly we started to talk more and more. Eventually, we both admitted that we liked each other. Now we always say I love you, and I really do love him a lot. He really seems perfect, he loves me so much, he's so kind to me, and he thinks i'm perfect!

My parents don't know we're talking of course. He is Christian right now, but we talked about marriage, and he told me that he would convert to Islam for me if that makes my parents say yes. I know someone should only convert to Islam because of Allah and Islam, but I'm sure eventually he will love Islam and become a good Muslim.

I am a Syrian. My parents are veryyyy very strict about who I should marry. He has to be a Syrian Muslim, and have a good job. My father is a doctor, so they want me to marry a doctor.

I don't know what to do. I really love this guy and I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I can imagine marrying him and having children with him.. So could you please tell me what I should do? Please?

He's visiting in December and then he is going to Afghanistan. Then he will come back and stay in America after half a year.. I have considered waiting until I finish high school and then elope with him if he converts. I don't understand why I can't marry someone if he becomes Muslim. That is not haram. But I don't want to disappoint my parents.

I have asked all my friends fpr help, and they all don't know what I should do.. They feel very bad for me.. Please help.. I love him so much, and I want to be with him forever.. What should I do?

Thank you so much.

- Salaam- Emanne

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I see that some of the comments have taken a soft line with you, but I cannot force myself to do so. You say "I know I'm not supposed to talk to boys" but then you went ahead and did it anyway. This relationship started in the haraam and only the haraam can come from it. You are not "in love". You are a child who is infatuated with a young man who does not believe in Allah and the Last Day. Trust me, love does NOT conquer all. By engaging in this forbidden relationship, you are committing many sins. You are committing zinah, yes, zinah of the tongue by talking to him, zinah of the eye by looking at him, zinah of touch even if you have not engaged in the ultimate zinah of fornication. I think you are looking for someone to tell you that it's okay to be "in love" and that everything will work out if you simply let him do a sham conversion to Islam and wow your parents. Well, I'm here to tell you that that is not the case.

Your duty now is to understand that what you are doing is wrong, wrong like a robber robbing a bank, wrong like a person drinking alcohol, wrong and even more serious than those crimes. You are robbing YOURSELF of goodness, of chastity, of Islam. You are harming yourself for an imaginary "love" to someone who has no religious commitment. What will you base a marriage on, if Allah forbid you were to run away with him or marry someone who only pretended to believe? Sex? Physical looks? These fade with time and if you don't have a strong committment to Allah then there will be no long-term success. By long-term, I speak not just of this world but of the world to come. Are you willing to spend an eternity in Hellfire for this man? If so, then do whatever you want. If not, you must cut off all contact with this man, and sincerely repent to Allah for the mistakes you have made. You should spend time learning about Islam, for if you truly knew your rights and responsibilities as a Muslim woman, you would never have made this mistake. Busy yourself with prayer and fasting. Stay away from places where there are a lot of single men. Make sure you are covered properly so that you do not attract the gaze of ment. Work on yourself so that you can become a better person and a better Muslimah and ultimately find a good strong Muslim husband who will complete half your deen. To do less than this is to sell yourself short and to lead yourself into more heartbreak and strife.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I want you to wake up from your fairy tale. There will be no good outcome from this. Allah will not allow a good end to come from a haraam beginning, so you had best get on with your life without this young man in the picture. May Allah give him hedayah, too, for his own soul's sake, but that is a totally separate issue from his relationship with you.

Fi aman Allah,

Noorah

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21 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum.

    hi how are you? hope you are doin well, ok after readin your question i can some how understand your situation, but he is only gonna convert to islam to please your family so he could marry you, not for the sake of Allah. jus to let you kno if you dont pray then you cant consider yourself a muslim. muslim is not jus a name which you carry. in order to be a muslim you need to do what a muslim does and prayin is the most important factor. ive seen similar relationship as yours and they dont really work out.

    tell me what your goal is? meanin you lookin for a brother who will help you reach jannati firdous or jus to pass some time in dunya? you need to look at the bigger picture, you want a relationship that will last a life time not a few weeks and get a divorce, anyway hope things work out

    ma salama

  2. Asalaamualaikum Sis...

    Dear its hard to see any sense when your blinded in love...its very unfortunate.

    If you want a genuine marriage with this person, then he has to have taken the Shahaadah for the right reasons. If he takes shahaadah just to show you that he has reverted and not because he believes in the true message of Islam, then this is not a sincere reversion to Islam.

    Maybe you could ask him to revert before and you can give it some time to see if he is actually really practicing. Even then, you'll have to be clear about his intention too. Put him contact with some good Muslim brothers for dawah...if he is sincere, he will take up your offer.

    And one thing sis...'I love you' is really meaningless unless said for the right reasons...
    Why do you love this guy? Why does he love you?

    Make a list...it may help to clarify....

  3. hello Emanne,
    c i can understand ur problem ...but my dear sister........i think u urself know what is right for u.....ur father must be loving u nd his love is genuine coz he has taken care of u ...it has been 17 years .......nd this guy whom u say u really love......knows u since when..?? 1 or 2 or may b three years not more than that ......c frnd .....parents are the most precious gift that ALLAH has given us......some ppl are orphans ......we are lucky to have our parents by our side.......nd even though u lve this guy once ur gone as in what ur planing abt eloping with this guy...........u might loose ur parents......plz its my request to u first think abt ur family ...ur parents ...ur siblings .....they might face problems bcoz of this act of urs.........my dear sister this is my request to u plzzzz..............pray....ask ALLAH............nd He will surely show u the right path......!! InshaALLAH ...........HE will help u!!

  4. Salam.
    Well first of all , you are too young to decide yourself.but if hes ready to become muslim that is great .
    Forget the people who say hes converting cos of love. Dont Look at that way. You Have become a source for him to convert to Islam. What can be better than this .But i hope and pray hes honest and truthful to you. But make sure hes nt into girls , drugs and drinking. Inshallah everyting will be fine..Good Luck

  5. assalamu alaikum.... dear sister uhmmm grrrr i get such a fit when they say that line 'ur 2 young'doesn't it sound aweful? dont u just wana choke that words. i understand ur situation,life is short and things happen so fast from ur words i c ur a intelligent teenager just lost and lonely.If u really love him tell ur parents whats going on and u really never meant 4 it 2 happen that way well go 2 the parent u feel is more soft hearted dont worry b strong Allah is always with u and everyone else dont let it go it will ruin u later.u met the guy a christian who knows maybe Allah wants 2 guide him and is using u 2 give the msg of islam 2 him.everything has a reason .just always be good and nice and show d guy that islam comes first

    • omg yes it is annoying!! Even though now I am much more religious alhamdillah and i know they were giving good advice, but that's still annoying to say.. lol. I wasn't a child then.
      Thanks for the advice though sister!
      salam!

  6. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    I see that some of the previous answers have taken a soft line with you, but I cannot force myself to do so. You say "I know I'm not supposed to talk to boys" but then you went ahead and did it anyway. This relationship started in the haraam and only the haraam can come from it. You are not "in love". You are a child who is infatuated with a young man who does not believe in Allah and the Last Day. Trust me, love does NOT conquer all. By engaging in this forbidden relationship, you are committing many sins. You are committing zinah, yes, zinah of the tongue by talking to him, zinah of the eye by looking at him, zinah of touch even if you have not engaged in the ultimate zinah of fornication. I think you are looking for someone to tell you that it's okay to be "in love" and that everything will work out if you simply let him do a sham conversion to Islam and wow your parents. Well, I'm here to tell you that that is not the case.

    Your duty now is to understand that what you are doing is wrong, wrong like a robber robbing a bank, wrong like a person drinking alcohol, wrong and even more serious than those crimes. You are robbing YOURSELF of goodness, of chastity, of Islam. You are harming yourself for an imaginary "love" to someone who has no religious commitment. What will you base a marriage on, if Allah forbid you were to run away with him or marry someone who only pretended to believe? Sex? Physical looks? These fade with time and if you don't have a strong committment to Allah then there will be no long-term success. By long-term, I speak not just of this world but of the world to come. Are you willing to spend an eternity in Hellfire for this man? If so, then do whatever you want. If not, you must cut off all contact with this man, and sincerely repent to Allah for the mistakes you have made. You should spend time learning about Islam, for if you truly knew your rights and responsibilities as a Muslim woman, you would never have made this mistake. Busy yourself with prayer and fasting. Stay away from places where there are a lot of single men. Make sure you are covered properly so that you do not attract the gaze of ment. Work on yourself so that you can become a better person and a better Muslimah and ultimately find a good strong Muslim husband who will complete half your deen. To do less than this is to sell yourself short and to lead yourself into more heartbreak and strife.

    I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I want you to wake up from your fairy tale. There will be no good outcome from this. Allah will not allow a good end to come from a haraam beginning, so you had best get on with your life without this young man in the picture. May Allah give him hedayah, too, for his own soul's sake, but that is a totally separate issue from his relationship with you.

    Fi aman Allah,

    Noorah

    • thank you sister Noorah,
      I had no idea you responded til now!
      But you're a wonderful woman and that was great advice you gave.
      May Allah reward you for your good deeds.. ameen
      ~Ema***

  7. Asalaamualaikum Noorah Haalan,

    I must say, I feel your advice here and on the other posts is always maashaAllah excellent and extremely to the point.

    Its good to have you on board : ).

    Sister Z

  8. walaikum as Salaam, SisterZ.

    Jazaak Allah Khair for your kinds words. InshAllah I can bring a bit of my 40+ years of life to the forum and inshAllah assist these people who are asking for help. We are all striving for Jannah and it is important to help one another learn the truth about our wonderful Deen.

    Fi aman Allah,

    Noorah

  9. Now, i know my opinion may not be valued here as i don't know your religion. I am British. But you have feelings for this soldier? Have you seen or met him at all or had a video chat? Because this would help the both of you. And you are 17? you are almost an adult and have the right to chose what is best for you. You are actually the same age as me and i am currently in a relationship with a soldier, and yes, love does conquer all. Your happiness is the most important thing.
    You say you love him, but this may be an exagerantion. You like him and the word love cannot be used until you have met him and the two of you are seriously sure about your relationship.
    I just hope you make the right decision. I understand that you don't want to dissapoint your parents, so maybe discuss things with them after you and your soldier have known each other a little longer and you are atleast 18.........an adult.

    I wish you the best of luck 🙂 xxx

  10. Well you are becoming an adult to where you make your own decisions. The only one who can help you threw this is Allah . Love is something very difficult cuz every girl has a time in which she thinks she is in love sweety I'm happy for you that he's decided to convert but sometimes your not really in love you just think you are but if you are sure about it talk to your parents about it and make sure that you keep worshiping Allah 🙂 goodluck

  11. hello all,
    this is the same girl that originally wrote this question, and i had no idea it got a response.
    thank you for all the comments and thank you for the response Sister Noorah.

    I wish I had seen it at the time, but alhamdullillah I have found my way.
    He is a complete part of the past and only that, and now I have become muchh more religious alhamdulillah.
    I actually recently finished reading the Quran in Arabic and English and I regret liking this guy and everything that happened with him in the first place. I hope Allah will forgive me for the zinnah I committed.. i was young and naive then. Sure, I'm 18 now, only a year older.. but alhamdillah I have changed SO much since then.

    I can only hope that no other Muslim girl will go through something like that... Inshallah all the Muslimin in the world will stay on the right path and keep away from committing sins... ameen.

    Again, thank you all for your support and advice!

    ~Ema***

    • Dear Eman, Asalaamualaykum,

      Glad to hear you that you moved on and in the right path, maashaAllah.

      May Allah keep you strong.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. Hmm.
    I'd say you have a pickle of a situation.
    And it's been very interesting reading the respondance you were given.
    I came across your question by chance, google does that. I'm currently in love with a solider as well and I was looking for support groups since he is currently deployed. I can see our cultural backgrounds are very different so it's hard to offer suggestions or even my point of view because it's probably not culturally correct for you and our religious views are different. But I wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you and praying for you to have resolution. I wish I could lend you more of an ear.
    My little tidbit, even though I'm far from your cultural and religious understandings, is maybe he will see the truth in your religion through you. People are windows that we can use to see something that is not possible through our own window. I know for a lot of religions being born into the religion is more respected than converting in, personally I would disagree since a baby doesn't have choices and an adult does but any way there is tge possibility that Islam will envolpe him and he will see it as the truth.
    Besides "hope costs nothing"

  13. Dear Noorah .. You're wrong .

    Emanne you're just 17 and I think it's kinda early to think about marriage .I think you have to concentrate on your studies more in order to become strong and independent in good way .

    Next if the person to whom you have feelings can wait for the right time then it's good .

    I am marry to a muslim and I respect the way my husband believe to God . God is one for the people ..doesn't matter white or black and any religion as well...we are belong to one God .My family accept and bless our marriage .but my husband try several times until my father said yes .The most important issue was that my family Christian and they don't want me to marry muslim .. It's all about how serious both of you about marriage and also important to keep good relationship with your parent..So your future husband will have to at first talk with your father and mother if he is really in love with you .

    Love respect and more even important in marriage and in relation with your future husband .

    Don't marry to cousin or to a person to whom you don't know or to one that your relatives prepare for you.
    Many Muslims do that but It's Haram .so dear Noorah in Islam and many other religion man and woman is equal ...muslim girl has right to marry non muslim and muslim man has right to marry non muslim women

    Emanne you're to young to think about marriage right now .My suggestion it's to concentrate on your studies .

    • Sister Irina,

      You wrote:

      Don't marry to cousin or to a person to whom you don't know or to one that your relatives prepare for you.
      Many Muslims do that but It's Haram .so dear Noorah in Islam and many other religion man and woman is equal ...muslim girl has right to marry non muslim and muslim man has right to marry non muslim women

      The above is your opinion, but not what Islam teaches. Therefore, you are wrong to call it haram as we cannot make haram what Allah has decreed as halal.

      A muslim woman has the right to marry someone of her choice with the assistance of her Wali because private interactions between men and women are not allowed. The Wali ensures that the lady has her rights fulfilled and is not being taken advantage of and most importantly, the Wali is there so that the man interested in the woman knows that she is not alone and therefore he is more apt to be accountable.

      There are reasons for everything and true Islam is not bent on diminishing the value of a woman, but rather uplifting it. You are very seriously confusing religion with culture--and sometimes those two mix like water and oil. I invite you to learn more about what Islam says about women, rather than make general comments about Muslims.

      Thank you for taking the time to read my comment.

    • Assalam.

      Здраствуйте Ирина.
      Я извеняюсь, но по вашему комментарию видно , что у вас нет достоверных знаний об Исламе:

      You said "...muslim girl has right to marry non muslim and muslim man has right to marry non muslim women...- "
      This is totally incorrect.

      In order for marriage to be valid in front of Allah (SWT) Muslim women are allowed to marry Muslim men ONLY.
      Muslim men are allowed to marry Muslim women and those women from "People of the Book" (Christians and Jews).
      Muslim men CANNOT marry atheists and pol′ythe′ists

      Please, refrain from posting comments about Islam without knowledge.

      May Allah SWT increases our knowledge about Islam and keeps us in His True Path.

      Salams.
      Всего Вам доброго

      • Muslim men are allowed to marry VIRTUOUS women of the book. In other words, virgins.

        There are also some hadiths that say the above is only permissible where there are no Muslim women available. In our current global village, this would be a very difficult condition to meet (not to mention that the majority of non-Muslim women lose their virginity before marriage).

        • Are you implying here that, the majority of non-Muslim women are non-virgins and therefore have no VIRTUOUS? Does this also means that, a non-virgin Muslimah cannot repent and be married?

          In any case, Muslim men are allowed to marry the chaste women among Muslims, and the chaste women among the Jews and Christians. However, chastity is not virginity-- you can be a virgin but not a chaste, and vice versa.

          "Today all good things are made lawful for you. And the food of those given the Scripture is lawful for you, and your food is lawful for them. So are chaste believing women , and chaste women from the people who were given the Scripture before you (i.e. Jews and Christians), provided you give them their dowries, and take them in marriage, not in adultery, nor as mistresses. But whoever rejects faith, his work will be in vain, and in the Hereafter he will be among the losers."

          (Quran 5: 5)

          • Sorry, the word chaste as used in the English translations of the Quran means those who protect their morals including those girls who refrain from sexual activity outside of marriage. At least that has been the interpretation of the ayah in all the tafsirs I have read. So yes, I unintentionally mis-spoke when I said the women of the book had to be virgins -- they can certainly be divorced or widowed women, who are not virgins but certainly chaste, if they did not have sex outside of marriage.

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