It’s our wedding soon, but I don’t want to go ahead
I don't know if I want to go through with this wedding
I am very confused about my wedding that should I get married or not.
My wedding date is coming closer but I am not happy.
The guy I am getting married is very nice. We know each other for past seven years. Starting six years our relation was going very smoothly because we were not mature enough and we were just having fun. We used to never discuss about marriage and all. But this last year changed my opinion because I find him very suspicious. He doesn't like me working, talking to anyone. I always gave him freedom but he was always over possessive about me. We always fight with each other. That Charm is not there only in our relation.
Now I feel that I am not going to be happy with him. Our thinking doesn't match. I feel that I am going to spoil his life. I only need time to know him better. I really need time. I am not ready for this wedding. Should I tell this to my Parents?
I told him that we need time for our relationship but he doesn't think the way I do. He tells me that everything will be fine after marriage. But just tell me that if I am not satisfied with this relationship and I am not sure, then how can I keep him happy?
Please advice. Should I marry or give time to my relationship or leave him?
It may be that I dont love him anymore.
Regards
Shagufta Shaikh
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Salaam My Sister,
It is quite natural to get last minute jitters and worries before getting married, however if you are genuinely concerned for your future, or you feel that you have seen dangerous or negative qualities in him then I would recommend that you ask for more time, and yes you should speak to your parents about this.
It is up to you whether you want to wait or leave it altogether, this is your decision and only you know what is happening and what you feel about it all.
What I would say is definitely do not go ahead with anything that you do not want to go ahead with, you will only resent it later and this will cause problems in your marriage and in your life.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Dear Shagufta, Asalaamualaikum,
You said about your fiance:
- I find him very suspicious.
- He doesn't like me working, talking to anyone.
- I always gave him freedom but he was always over possessive about me.
- We always fight with each other.
- Our thinking doesn't match.
- I am not ready for this wedding.
Having acknowledged such concerns as have been mentioned above, one would be very foolish to proceed to marry this man without resolving the issues first.
Shagufta, although your relationship with this man has lingered for years, now is the time to stop and to think and question seriously. Highlight all of your concerns and discuss these issues with your fiance. If you cannot find mutual resolutions, then it may not be sensible to marry. It will be difficult to halt the wedding at this stage and you will no doubt face hostility, but if you do not deal with the issues now, you will have deeper and more serious problems later. If you marry a man with whom you are not satisfied, things will not just get better after marriage, they will multiply and you will find yourself unhappy.
The things we look for in a potential spouse obviously differ, however there are some things that are basic essentials. Some of the basics I would be looking for are:
- Common love for deen and good character
- The ability to communicate well with each other
- Respect for one another
- Trust and Loyalty
- Intellectual and physical attraction
- Compassion
- Comfort level
- Sharing similar ideas on how to raise our children
- Sharing similar ideas on how to develop in our deen together
Shagufta, put your wedding plans on halt, until you have discussed things openly and honestly with your prospective, whilst observing the correct Islamic guidelines and pray Istikhara. Remember, never marry someone due to pressure, only marry someone because they have the qualities that you believe a good spouse should have.
Best Wishes
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
SisterZ
Salaams Shagufta,
You have been offered very sound advice, in particular by Sister Z. Be brave, hold off the wedding, it is your life and you will have to live with the consequences of making the wrong choice, if you go ahead now. Follow the recommendations of Sister Z. Your most important aim is to please Allah, so don't worry about dissapointment from your family.
I wish I had done those things. You may go ahead with all your reservations, have children and live in misery and regret every living day, either bearing with it and suffer or get out of it after and still suffer. It is your future.
Regards
Hopeful
Sister if I were u I would list out all the things u told us to him. Discuss it with him. Make him sit down and tell him how u feel. Don't move on until tat feeling goes away. Because if u do u will live in misery and also make him live in misery. Good luck with everything. Keep us posted.