My father is unwilling to marry my sister to her 7 year boyfriend.
"my parents caught her with a hotel bill in her purse... naturally they assumed the worst."
Salam to all my muslim brothers and sisters;
I would like to discuss my current family situation and hope I can get some guidance from anyone willing to share their opinions, knowledge and experiences. The following is a situation involving an Egyptian Family who is against the man that my sister wants to marry.
It all started about 7 years ago when my sister was in high school. My parents caught her seeing an Egyptian boy and despite the constant anger, screaming and punishment my father would impose, it did nothing. She continued to see him throughout the years and the worst possible thing happened, my parents caught her with a hotel bill in her purse. Naturally, they assumed the worst.
I believe (but was not witness to it) that my parents took her to the doctor to verify if there was any possibility that she engaged in intercourse and the doctor said he saw no evidence of it. I am mentioning this part of the story in detail because I feel, this is the one thing that stands out over everything else. Not to mention that my mom has been consistently upset with my sister because of what the islamic community is saying or might say about this forbidden type of relationship.
The man's family has come over my house several times, only to be screamed at and rejected by my father. Now, seeing that there is no hope, my mother has "given up" and has told my sister to go ahead with the marriage, in her eyes, it's better for her to be married to this guy than in a forbidden relationship. I too was against this guy but am starting to see my mom's point.
My mom has asked my father to be witness as guardian for the marriage contract, but he refuses. My father is a very wise man, who has read the koran many times over, which is not easy. He is also a shiekh and often times directs prayers at the mosque on Fridays. But, he is from the old fashioned way of thinking. He feels this shame and disrespect that this man has done by not confronting my father much earlier (as well as the hotel incident) can not be forgiven, ever. He has said very hurtful things (I'm sure out of anger) to my sister such as "she is dead to me" or "even when I am buried in the grave I will not accept this marriage".
I know that he will never change his mind and this will destroy the relationship between them. This man that wants to marry my sister doesn't really have a career, he does work, making about double the minimum wage. In order for them to live, both he and my sister would need to work. My father is big on education so I know that is another thing my father is not liking.
So, based off my research, I have different information. I read that;
"Parents should not interfere between a daughter's choice for marriage, given that he is a muslim with religious integrity"
HOWEVER I also read;
"A father can forbid a marriage if he feels the man is not trustworthy or can not support his daughter, in which case the marriage is invalid according to islamic law"
BUT
"The past should be forgiven, as Allah has"
I know this is a very tough situation, what should we do as a family?
Thank you.
- Mohamed
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asalamu alaikum,
hi how are you? hope you are in good health and imaan. sis im running out of time so il get to the point. after reading i can understand how your father is feeling, and its natural to be angry. even i would have got angry at my daughters if they did that but to a certain extent.
when a brother asks a sisters hand in marriage do you know the 2 requirement they should look for in this brother? its his religion and charecteristics. if those too criteria is met then the father should not object to this marrige.
hows your sister charecteristc like? does your sister practice islam properly? what about her boyfriend? if not i suggest you tell your sister to start practiceing, then ask forgivness from your parents and tell them you have repented and not willing to do haram again. show them that you have learnt from your mistake and now you wanna live a halal life, show it through good deeds. wait awhile until you get married. if her boyfriend doesnt practice islam then it will be hard fot the father to accept.
i also understand education is important but to a certain extent, but you gotta realise jannati firdous is the real goal.
also its best to talk with your dad and find out why he is against it, and see if there is anything your sister can do in order to accept her marriage etc.
your father is a shiekh yet he acts immature. when you said when the boyfriends family came to only be screamed at. thats just wrong.
anyway hope things workout
ma salama
Assalamu aleykum brother
I am not here to judge your father or to hurt you but what i am going to say is the pure truth.
Islam promotes marriage in two things is the husband a good believer can he take care of his wife if both questions are yes then i do not understand why your father do not want to go along with that. Our enemy in islam is our cultural background why because being a doctor is a plus in money but does not mean that you are going to be a good husband plus if your father read the Coran from cover to cover his heart is already melted and he should know how to deal with situations like that but instead he is following his culture there nothing to be mad of your father failed to raised your sister in islam ways and now he is hurt because she is not listening to him. to raise a child in islamic way is a journey that start from the womb of the mother not after the girl is a teenager remember that. only thing to do is forgive the past and ask Allah for guidance Allah MA Ak
Salaam, it sounds as if your father is being stubborn - sometimes, when we have made a very big deal about our argument and have caused a great deal of pain - its difficult to go back on it and let it go.
This is especially true if you are a sheik, well known and respected in your community - there will be some pride there as well.
I would recommend that your sister persist - and make clear to her father that 1.) she loves her father very very much and has not dimished in her respect of him 2.) that she is not going to give up this man 3.) that she begs him for a reconcilliation to her problem of loving her father desperately and wanting to marry this man at the same time. 4.) be patient
Maybe if she talks to him from a position of heartfelt love and humbleness before her father and not disobedience, his love for her will soften him a little and he may start to budge.
He is, after all, he father and he loves her very much - or else he would not care who she married. He does not want to disown his daughter, and I am sure he is just angry. He will come around, but she has to also do things in a way which shows respect, love, gratitude and patience to get there.
Salam,
i have been thinking over issues like this and have studied them in my life,to make it short i have come to realise that what they do in western cultures is more correct and making sence in evry point.
parents have responsibility only to a certain point to raise and teach and educate their childrens,after that,it come all to their choice,you can only give them advise and of your experince and not to force them to do your choice, that is how we as human being learn and grow,with excecising our agancy to choose,good or evil,and then to learn of consequence of our choice.
God bless