Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband beats me up and cheats on me but I still love him

Salam, what it is that i have been married for six years now and i am confused in my marriage. well i had been with my husband before marriage for 7 years we really loved each other and got married.

abusive husbandI got engaged first and then realised that he became really controling like dont  go out, wear a hijab, did your male  etc cousins come round, why do they come to your house etc. He also use to hit me but then he use to say, its because your away from me, thats why i feel like this.

After all this i said to my family just get me married because he would always create a scene at my parents home. After i got married i use to get constantly beaten up by my husband and he would torture me in away that i felt i was interrogated about which guy did you use to talk to etc. I would honestly just like to say that i had never cheated on him in anyway.

I stayed patient and thought it will become aright but one day i got beated up so bad that i had to call my parents. I stayed there for a bit and then my husband came round apologizing begging me to come back saying he made a mistake and he wont do it again. But i when back and everything was the same again.

His family did use to try and make him understand but he didnt listen much. After a couple of months, I found out he was cheating on me with another women. My world broke apart, I mean i love him so much that i even wore a hijab for him, left friends and family because he didnt like them, didnt even go in the same room if his brother was there because we all live in the same house and even took his beating and abuse just because i loved him very much. So how could he cheat on me after everything i had done for him.

After finding this out i left him and when to my parents house. He did admit that he was with her at that time in the car but it wasnt an affair but because i didn't have no contact with anybody in the outside world when i went to my parents house, i had got in touch with my friends and they had told me more things about seeing him with other women. I thought to myself im never gona go back but when he had come around to my parents house a couple times and ask for forgiveness and cried, i just forgave and went back.

After that time, I have caught him out 3 times cheating on me with proof and had left him and come back to  him with just him saying it wont happen again i promise you and i love you so much. When i do come back to him after a couple weeks he comes to his real self and start breaking all his promises and he always says that i can stay in touch with my family but when i go back he says no i dont want you to talk to them.

The last time I caught him cheating was when i found a phone from his car which was hidden in the car boot with just girls numbers in there. They had different texts from different girls saying when his going see them etc but even though I took him back again. His family says he is strict with his wife because he love me to much and that he is religious but he is just a hypocrite.

What has happened now is that i have just found out that he has got another phone with just girls numbers in there and txts saying see me and stuff. He hides it in his car but he doesn't know that i have been to his car and I know about the phone. He picked Allah kasame that he would not keep another phone without my knowledge but he has done it again.

I love him very much and just knowing that if i leave him i'll have to get married again and that another man is going to touch me makes me sad because he is the only person i have  gave everything to. I have also gone in depression because always crying when im on my own and i feel hopeless.

Please give a quick answer.

Thank you,

- hurt

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29 Responses »

  1. Salaam,

    May Allah give you the strength to overcome this disasterous chain of events. May Allah give you comfort and guide you in a time when you are most vulnerable.

    1. End it with him. If it was the first or second time you'd given him a chance I would say give him one more chance, but he's messed around too many times and he won't change.

    2. Do not give your heart to a selfish, violent, insensitive and vile creature such as your husband. He is not worth a single moment of your time.

    3. Don't wear the Hijaab or practise Islam for anyone but yourself, yes people can guide you, but you must do it to please Allah and not your husband.

    4. Once you've ended it with him, take some time apart to yourself to focus on Islam and read particularly on the Prophets life and how the Prophet PBUH was to his wives. You will find that none of the wives suffered all were extremely happy and the Prophet treated all 11 of his wives with the respect all men should aspire to treat their wives with.

    I pray that you find the strength to leave this man, you have given him too many chances, do not allow compassion to factor in on your decisions, he lost that privalage many eons ago.

    Once again, May Allah give you the strength and accept your continued patience and righteousness through this difficult time. Ameen.

  2. Sister, I do feel sympathy for your situation, but women like you confuse me also. He used to beat you when you were engaged, so told your family to "just get you married"? How does that make sense? Why didn't you just break the engagement?

    Now he beats you, he cheats on you, controls you, and yet you go back to him again and again and you say, 'I love him very much." When I read this it makes me think that you don't really understand what love is, or what it is supposed to be. And since that's the case, I don't really know how to communicate with you.

    All I can really say is that I agree with everything Mohammed said in the previous comment. You need to divorce this man, then you need some serious therapy to find out why you are so addicted to being abused, and how you can become a healthier person and learn to value yourself and your rights.

    Wael Editor

  3. Sister,

    A man who commit adultery is a man who worship idols. Allah says both are much sin. The reason they are the same because he vow to love you the only one just like he vow to worship Allah, the only one. You must know the man who follows Allah's guidance is the one who will love his wife, his only other companion. With that being said, leave him and Allah will show you happiness.

    I was in a similar situation and as soon as the man went against Allah or even swore on his name he would treat me better and did not, I left very quickly.

    Please sister, you sound like you know the answer, open your heart to Allah and he will help you.

    If my words help you, thank

  4. Salaam my sister,

    I am sorry that you have reached this stage where all you know to do is suffer.

    Its is clear to everyone, including you, that you must find a way to leave this man. I will not repeat what other's have said (I agree with what has been said here) - but I would advise that you read about Stockholm Syndrome and learn about the psychology that is driving you towards this unhealthy bond.

    Editor, Islamic Answers

  5. thank you very much brother Mohammed, you make me fell strong already.your advise is very helpful. I don't speak 2 anybody about my problems so I just think its my mistake when he treats me like this because that what he tells me. and that's what intend to believe then because he emotionally puts me down.

    sometimes you need to tell your problems to someone besides the person whos giving you these problem to hear the truth.

    wael also said that why did i marry this guy if he was like this before marriage. well he use to say im like this because your away from me and i love you so, and me like a silly gal believed him. thank you very much for all your responses. well appreciated.

    • There is no situation under which it's acceptable for a man to injure and abuse his wife. It doesn't matter what reason he gives you.

      He could say, "I did it because I have a terrible illness."

      It's still not acceptable.

      He could say, "I did it because I love you so much it makes me crazy." He could say, "I did it because when I drink I don't know what I'm doing and I can't control myself." He could say, "It's your fault because you argued with me and made me angry."

      It doesn't matter what he says. They are just pitiful excuses for his own bad behavior. It's not acceptable, and no woman should stand for it, or remain in that environment for even one single day.

      Wael Editor



        • I dont understand your society dont accept divorce!, which society is that? What country is this??, you are a muslim sister and i beleive your husband is a muslim.. You cant stay in a marriage that you are mentally and physically abused- A marriage that you dont have peace, happiness and rest of mind.. In islam, Allah has given you the right to divorce your husband if you are not happy with the marriage.. There is even a hadith that speak on this... Humarra, as a muslimah, you are leaving you life by the code of islam and not any society law... So sister, when ever he tries his stupidness, just tell him that you are tired of the marriage, pack your belongings and your children and go back to your parents (or any relative's) house.. When he comes to you seeking that you go with him, dont even attend to him.. How would you be seeking for death while Allah gave you your precious life as a gift from HIM for you to enjoy it??

        • I dont understand your society dont accept divorce!, which society is that? What country is this??, you are a muslim sister and i beleive your husband is a muslim.. You cant stay in a marriage that you are mentally and physically abused- A marriage that you dont have peace, happiness and rest of mind.. In islam, Allah has given you the right to divorce your husband if you are not happy with the marriage.. There is even a hadith that speak on this... Humarra, as a muslimah, you are leaving you life by the code of islam and not any society law... So sister, when ever he tries his stupidness, just tell him that you are tired of the marriage, pack your belongings and your children and go back to your parents (or any relative's) house.. When he comes to you seeking that you go with him, dont even attend to him.. How would you be seeking for death while Allah gave you your precious life as a gift from HIM for you to enjoy it?? How would he be beating you and later at night, he would try to call you to satisfy him in bed?? To me this sound absolutely crazy.

  6. A man only beats his wife because he is weak, he has a desire to control, he has a hard heart and lacks mercy. He does not know how to love without being obsessive, this makes his thinking and his heart twisted. He can only live with a weak submissive woman, because any woman with an ounce of self esteem and self respect will reject him.

    A man who 'loves' his wife, does not have a desire to control her, he encourages her to develop her personality and does not supress her from thinking and speaking. He is compassionate and merciful and does not blame his weaknesses on others, instead he takes responsibility. He will never lay an agressive finger on his wife and will never want to see any tears but tears of happiness in her eyes.

    So Sisters who are being abused, please quit living in delusion. If you are still confused about what a husband should be like, look to the examples of our beloved Prophet(saw). He was never anything but gentle to his wives. Even when his wife Ayesha(ra) was falsely accused of adultery - something that could tear a marriage apart, the Prophet(saw) never spoke a harsh word to her. In his mind, he was very confused and upset, he wanted to find out the truth, but he did not confront his wife(ra) for a whole month because she was unwell. Even then, he did not shout and scream or beat. He chose to communicate in a respectful manner, under all circumstances.

    If your huband wants to behave animalistic, shouting, screaming, beating - that is only his own fault. He is 'choosing' to be a tyrant. The only way your situation will change, is if 'you' change. Alhumdulillah you are physically free to seek a better life; you are bound by nothing but your emotions. Some people are physically chained by their oppressors and have no choice - you do have a 'choice'.

    I pray that Allah replaces your absence with real love.

    SisterZ Editor

  7. Leave him. Beating you is not a sign of love and respect. The wife is the crown jewel in the husband's crown. Since he has tarnished and betrayed you, it shows that he neither respects or loves you in return. End it with him.

  8. A dove shouldn't be caged or beaten, its shouldn't be forced to eat a treat either. It should have the freedom to fly as it may and taste of what pleases it.

    May Allah help you and make things only better and easier for you.

  9. What can sisters do who are stuck with a child? What can we DO?! NOTHING! We are stuck in this misery, we are stuck living with a man who will emotionally and physically abuse us. This is the curse of being a woman. For the sake of your child(ren) you are FORCED to stay. Esspecially if you have a girl, how can you be selfish and leave? How can you do this to your child? You cant ever get married again because you will worry what if the man whos your second husband who is a non mahram to your daughter , what if he ever abuses her?

    I dont know what to do. sometimes i think theres no religion in this world

    • woooow why would you talk so negative. Yes being a Muslim women its hard..My husband is a good guy but yeah i would say he does emotionally abuse me. I love him n I have to girls, so like u said i\I'm stuck!! 🙁 n for you "Hurt" please your my Muslim sister LEAVE HIMMMM

      • 'Anotherhurtsister' and 'Munch',

        You are Muslim women, but its seems to me that you have very little knowledge of Islam and of your rights as Muslim women. You seem to be blaming your bad marriages on the fact that you are 'Muslim women', but you couldn't be further from the truth.

        If your husbands are abusing you emotionally and physically, that is not because they are Muslim. Its is because they are bad men like all the bad men who abuse their wives, regardless of what religion they claim to follow. Likewise, you are both putting up with the abuse from your husbands, not because Islams expects you to, but because like many other women regardless of their faith, you/they have chosen to do so.


        If your husband is abusing you, why are you still with him? Your husband is choosing to oppress you but you are choosing to oppress yourself and your child by settling for the abuse. You use your children as an excuse to stay with these bad men, but your children will still be negatively affected by the abuse they see, even if it is not directed at them. The bottom line is, you cannot find the strength to leave, so please do not blame this on the deen of Allah.

        Sisters, marriage is gift from Allah, He(swt) says:

        "They are your garments and you are their garments" (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187).

        "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions) of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72)

        "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

        Marriage will always be full of tests, like with any other relationship, but tests are normal, abuse is not. There is great emphasis placed on obedience in marriage, the purpose of 'obedience' in this relationship is to keep the family unit running as smoothly as possible. It does not mean blind obedience. If your husband is abusing you, you stand up for yourself. You involve family members or the police if necessary. You try to get through to your husband that unless he changes, you will leave him and if he still continues to abuse you, you leave him for the sake of your soul.

        With regards to your futures, you are worrying about what you do not know. There are good men out there aswell who are willing to take on someone else's children sincerely. These men are striving to follow the Quran and Sunnah and if you focus your minds this way too, you will find husbands like this insha'Allah.

        Zaynab al-Ghazali was a Muslim Islamic activist and said the following:

        Islam has provided everything for both men and women. It gave women everything--freedom, economic rights, political rights, social rights, public and private rights. Islam gave women rights in the family granted by no other society. Women may talk of liberation in Christian society, Jewish society, or pagan society, but in Islamic society it is a grave error to speak of the liberation of women. The Muslim woman must study Islam so she will know that it is Islam that has given her all her rights.

        So sisters, note that over 1400 years ago, women were given many rights through Islam. Some of these rights have only been established in the Western world recently and some still do not exist. Islam is the fastest growing religion on earth and the largest group to join are women, simply because they find Islam gives them the rights and respect that no other faith can give them. Please learn your deen, this is the only way you will be able to empower yourselves and be strong.

        SisterZ Editor

  10. Salaam Brothers and Sisters,

    I often see the advice to women with children who are facing abuse to LEAVE. But how do they endeavour to leave if they have no family around , no friends (often they had to cut all relations) because of the abuse. How do they look forward to live with kids on their own. Is it not a risk to live another hell?

    • Assalamu'alaikum Sister,

      If you are in a situation where there is abuse, then only you can make the decision to leave. Only you know what your circumstances are. If you have the ability to remove yourself from that abusive household and you know that you and your children will be safe then by all means you should get out as soon as possible.

      This can be a very dangerous time for any sister attempting to leave a husband who is physically abusive. Depending upon where you live there are support groups who can help you develop a plan of action to leave. These organizations can also provide shelter. If you have decided to leave then you need support from someone to help you execute that plan. Make sure it's someone you absolutely trust, Remember, you are doing this for the safety of yourself and your children.

      I can understand your concern for those sisters who have no support. It's very easy for us who are not going through the pain to tell someone to leave. There may be many who are unable to do so, but for those who have the ability to get out safely then you should make sure that your support network is in place and leave as soon as possible.

      Insha'allah, what I have written has answered your question. Please don't hesitate to write in again if you have more concerns.

      Your Brother in Islam
      Abdul Wali Editor

  11. SisterZ - I have knowledge about Islam, you shouldn't judge people you do not know. What I meant there is no religion is no body even cares to follow Islam anymore. Men are after their little "virgins" trying to gather 4 virgins for their own when not even knowing the actual reason for Polygamy was to help widows and divorcees. Marrying virgins means no women for the single brothers. Aside from that, I am not talking about my marriage or my husband, but seeing all the women suffer, that is what route they have to take and it scares us women that we actually have no where to run. Whether your husband is abusive or he passes away, you are STUCK living alone, because as a Muslim mother you are terrified of marrying a man who will become non-Mahrams to your kids, and possibily worrying what if he abuses her. You can never trust anyone. For the sake of children, women stay put with their husbands, it is a very selfless thing to do, also the hardest.

  12. Assalaamu alaikum,

    NO sister has to put up with this...I didn't. To those who claim that your STUCK blah blah..especially if you have a girl etc...Well, I am a mother to a beautiful little girl and sisters, if you know your rights, you can make life a lot less stressful for yourself.

    There is a religion and way out - Islam. Our beautiful Deen has given us solution for everything.

    I was cheated on repeatedly, alhamdulillah it didnt reach the point of physical abuse even though he would raise his hand. Had I not left the marriage, perhaps someday that hand would have hit me.

    I have understanding towards loving someone who treats u ill because thats what I used to do,...and now that I think about it, I think gosh, why did I do that?!
    He used to chat on me and I used to run to his arms again to seek comfort...ironic isnt it?! But its an insecurity..which you need to get out of sisters. I did alhamdulillah so you can too. This is not me. I thought it was love and despite him cheating on me, i thought i couldnt survive without him , blah blah...but a few years of his continuous betrayal ..and listening to others and stickign firm on my decision to leave him (though at the time i was crying and thinking i dont want this)...and now i am thankful that I did that. Alhamdulillah , thumma alhamdulillah.

    We have to give logic and reasoning preferance over our feelings...then inshallah we will prosper.

    Was salaamu alaikum

    Um Imaan

    • Alhamdulillah,I'm really glad you are out of that,

      After reading such stories and contemplating about my sisters ex marriage, I sometimes wonder if its even worth it to get married. I think the only driving factor left are the words of Nabi (sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) :

      "Nikkah is my Sunnat." (Ibn-e-Majah)


      "Whoever turns from my sunnah is not from me." (Bukhari, Muslim, Nisaee)

      May Allah Ta'aala grant us all good spouses,who are the coolness of our eyes and bring us closer to Allah.Aamin.

      • Ameen to your dua.

        "I sometimes wonder if its even worth it to get married."

        Sister I went through a bad marriage and all my experiences hasnt put me off marriage altogether so it shouldn't put you off seing others, lol :).
        All you got to do is one thing - make sure its with the right person otherwise yeh, your better off single than to be in a miserable marriage of course.
        Make sure you follow your brain and not your heart when choosing a spouse. Remember two main things and inshallah you wont go wrong - his akhlaaq and taqwa. The two fundamental things, that come before other important things, like even knowledge.

        Marriage is and should be a beautiful bond gifted to us by Allah, dont allow people who don't understand this and their responsibilites towards this put you off as a whole. 🙂

        Was salaam

  13. thank you very much for all your responces,i thought i would neva get to talk to anybody about my problems.i just wanted to add that i do not go out at all.if i am lucky he'll take me out in the night time for a drive because no one is about.the reason he gives me for not taking me out is because we might see someone you had a relationship with and if someone looks at me then he,ll say to me who was that,he was looking at properly one of your boyfriends. I have to look down most of the time when i go out which is another reason I don't like going out with him because when he does that i start crying but when I think to myself life's short and not going out i can life without even thou I fell like I have to relie on him all the time.i would love to go out but if it means we,ll have a argument if we go out I rather stay at home but when i start thinking about my future and having kids one day, it scares me because then I will have to go out with him and get stuff for kids. ,id just like to say the reason he says these nasty things to me when he takes me out is because before I got married I was a girl who worked,wore western clothes and had girl friends who had male friends.but today i am a practicing Muslim.he says he loves me but he doesn't trust me but I know Allah kasame that I have not committed adultery whilst married and the only person i have committed adultery with is him when i wasn't one response said if someone loves you how can they make you cry.he neva fells bad about cheating on me when im home waiting up for him obeying his every command.

    • As salamu alaykum Sister hurt,

      You have done the first step to solve your situation, this is talking about it, you already acknowledge you have things in your life you don´t like, the second step is that you should acknowledge you need help, and the third step is looking for it.

      This is the quickest answer I can think of.

      Thank you very much for opening your Heart.

      All my unconditional Love and Respect,


  14. AOA Brothers and Sisters! I have three kids and I am in the same situation. My husband beats me up, humilates infront of his family memebers, doesnt want me to stay intouch with my family. He swears infront of his sisters and i always tell him that if there is an arugument between us just don't shout and scream we can solve it in the room but he still makes and issue of everything. I am so fed up of him. We knew each before we got married so as other sisters mentioned that their husbands think bad about them same with him, he doesnt have any respect for me and we have three kids now. He loves his kids but almost every day he tells me that he shouldn't have married me i mean how much would i get hurt after hearing this....EVERDAY...the rest of my story is almost like other sisters and i cried alot after reading all of it.
    Thanks for reading mine.

    • May Allah Ta'aala make it easy for you and for all those women suffering the same plight and may He let them make the right decisions. Aamin.

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