I love her but her past is bothering me
salmo 3alekom ,
I’m Egyptian Muslim and I meet American girl here in Egypt during her study abroad, so we totally in love!! And she want to convert to Islam, and she really changed in everything and now be able to convert BUT when she told me about her past (sexual) which's was a part in American’s life I start to feel weird about keep this relationship and about marry her, she totally changed in everything like everything I see that and become to my standards as Egyptian's Muslim, but the issue now become my issue that I can't get over her past!
What should I do with a girl totally Repentance and regret about everything she did coz she wasn't understand the right from the wrong! Like really what should I do I love her but I can't get over the past?
I really need advices, thx
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As salamu alaykum, brother amr,
Thank you for sharing, I would like to make an observation here related to the generalizations everyone makes of western life style, not everyone is around having a wrong sexual behaviour, many people choose to be chast and pious and they don´t have to be muslims, the same that not all the muslims are chast and pious, then the girl of the post conducted her life the way she knew the best at that moment of her life, now she has other knowledge and has chosen other path, she is acting differently, Alhamdulillah.
Not everyone is guided straight but many are, Alhamdulillah. And between those who are well guided some go astray, and between those that we could say had all the tickets to be astray are straight, then please, once again, in this kind of issues treat every person and their life experience and unique, this way we will help others that are coming out of the shell to be free from stereotyped projections, insha´Allah.
Related to your question, I would advice you directly without any doubt to let her go. After seeing so many cases, what you are feeling may be intensify when you marry, then brother none of you need to go through that suffering. Not everyone is the same and you are very honest telling that bothers you, it is fine, but act consequently and let her go.
You will be a good friend but you will ruin both of your lives if you marry her. If you take a look through the site, you will see how many painful situations are developed because she or he has "past" and the spouse cannot handle it, Alhamdulillah you have seen it before you married, you are still on time, Alhamdulillah.
All my unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with Ms.Maria . You will not be able to let go her past and eventually your marriage will fail. There are couple of things which are intolerable and unforgettable . This issue is one of them . This is something which MUSLIMS can't let go, no matter how hard they try and its not their fault .
I am a Muslim and Alhamdulillaah, I can let it go.
Oh really....... Then you better find some body with a past .
I don't have to find, Allah will send one my way if He wills.
Whether she has a past or not, whomsoever Allah will send, Insha Allah will be the best.
I trust Allah.
I agree with you completely. Therefore inshAllah when I get married, I will never tell my husband of my past no matter how much he begs me to, because once it gets out he will never look at me the same again. And this is from past experience for myself too. When I used to have a boyfriend (Alhamdulilah I do not anymore) I would always bug him about the relationship he had with this other girl & no matter how much I loved him I kept comparing myself to her. Sometimes, people just never get over these things. You just have to tell the poor sister to never let her secret out to whoever she gets married to.
Allah gives us permission to keep certain things a secret & this is one of these things. Once you sincerely repent to Allah (swt) it is as if your sin has been wiped out.
The alternative thing you can do is forgive her, & let the past be the past. This takes strength & some do it for a little bit, then go back to the problems again. If you wish to stay with her you should forgive her completely but if you can't now, chances are you never will, so you should move on with your lives.
Excellent insight Pepper,
you have given great advice based on your past experience. I guess for all the brothers and sisters who have sinned and repented, it is best that we remain silent or else the outcome is that of this brother who has written in for help: confusion and pain.
May Allah swt conceal those sins of ours that can potentially ruin our blissful future, ameen!
-Helping Sister
salaam alaikum brohter,
the best thing if Allah swt can forgive then humans can forgive, and this your worry over a partners past is a disease, trust that marshallah she has changed adn atleast telling you the truth, maybe many egyptians have done worse but will never tell you truth.
Dont let it hurt you, you need to have patience adn look past it.
And it would be veryyy extremely weak reason to destroy a butiful potential marriage and parter, esp converting to islam and being aware after reading what Allah swt forbids and most loves it only makes sense that she is on the right path, and you should 111% disregard her past, if you sure she really is converting to islam for Allah swt and not you.
Assalamu alaykum Brother Amr,
May Allah make things easy for you.
You may like to read my post to here : http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/my-past-to-my-husband-to-be/
Insha Allah, scroll down to my replies to haniyyya and Soul which Alhamdulillaah cover the subject of virginity and Muslim male husband's outlook to it, how it should be like.
I hope you will find some answers in it. But don't forget to scroll the page and my replies to the people I mentioned.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Salaams brother
Re-consider everything before you marry sister as you may be insecure about the issue at least she was honest with you. Please do not abuse this woman because of her past or make her suffer. If you love this woman marry her and forget her past live with the present you have with her and say ulhumdiallah. How many men would tell their wife to be the truth about their past? Or how may girlfriends they had before marriage? I hope you find the answers you are looking for w/salaams
It is much easy to say then to do it .
@ Soul,
You fail to cath the spirit of Islam, life in jahiliyyaah should be kept as past.
You should encourage a behavior to accept them.
If reverts to Islam with back grounds of multiple unlawful sexual relationships approach Muslims for marriage, and like you said " This is something which MUSLIMS can't let go, no matter how hard they try and its not their fault ."
Should those reverts remain single? Do not they deserve Muslim husbands who are religious and can help them develop themselves as good Muslims?
This "psychology" is one of Jahiliyyah.
May Allah give hidayah to our brothers and sisters to accept other "muslims" who repent to Allah as they are without digging up their past or thinking of it.
Salaam.
@ soul I am a Muslim and I can let it go even as a woman it does not bother me. And yes it is easy if you let it go then destroy yourself of wanting everything to be perfect. What you got to remember is not all humans are made perfect everyone has good points and everyone as bad points but the ones who repent in my eyes deserve a second chance, the rest is your choice.
brother munib has made very good points may allah reward you for your work
Fornication and adultery is a deal breaker for me ..... I don't know about you people
At Samina ,Yes , you are right that every one has good and bad points but fornication and adultery is some thing which is a very very huge crime .
Brother munib .... You always tend to become highly offensive when some one doesn't agrees to your opinions .... If this thing is jahiliyah to you then it is just for you
DON'T TRY TO IMPOSE YOUR OPINIONS ON OTHERS .
As salam aliekum brother,
Why forgive only a convert? What if d girl were to be a truly repentant born muslimah?
Waleykum assalaam Sister,
I mentioned convert because the person in question here wants a convert to Islam and the brother is not feeling good about her past.
Of course, every Believer, man or woman, who truly repents to Allah and does good deeds should be accepted with a good welcome and not rejected due to the past.
When Moses (peace be upon him) met Pharoah, he told him, did you forget our favors upon you? and you also killed a man and were of the tyrant?
What reply did he give?
He said that was in the days of my ignorance, now Allah has guided me.
If the people of Egypt would have told Moses, O Musa ! You are a killer, you are a killer, you are not a prophet, you are a killer, would that be fair to deny his Prophethood just because a man got killed by him in ignorance?
Even Allah shows by this, that if He wills to choose and purify someone, even if that person has done some wrong, Allah will purify him and increase him in wisdom and stature and raise him up as a Prophet.
So we should open up our "outlook" to life by the eyes of the Qur'an. Keep the past as past, see the present sincerity of a person.
We never know even about our ownselves, we may believe this second and becomes disbelievers the next. Only Allah knows and we should pray to Him to keep us guided and cause not our hearts to go astray.
Salaam,
Your brother.
I do not think brother Munib's comments were offensive.
You've said fornication and adultery is a deal-breaker. For me this statement is too general. The two are not the same. If I came to know that someone had committed adultery in the past, I would never be with that person, because such a person is not trustworthy.
But if a person had previously been living a life of ignorance and had possibly committed fornication, then repented and became a good Muslim, I would not care about the past.
In any case I would not pry into someone's past. I would never ask a Muslim woman if she has committed zinaa in the past.
Lastly, when it comes to converts it's a different story. There is an understanding that whatever they did before the time of conversion is forgiven by Allah, and is not to be held against them in any way.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yes I know that the two are not the same but they both happen with consent . Although adultery is a much grave sin than fornication but each of them must be dealt strictly .
Salaam.
Brother ...(Question deleted. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post. IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
your answer is really helpful !! 🙂
@ Soul,
Of course sex without marriage is great wrong, a huge sin, but when a person repents to Allah truly, Allah forgives all sins, this is His promise in the Qur'an and Allah is of vast mercy.
Wa huwal ghafuurul waduud - He is the Forgiving, the Loving.
Why should I or any Muslim forsake those who have been forgiven by Allah?
That would not be Islamic behavior. You have missed out the message of Islam.
Those who do wrong in ignorance and repent to Allah, surely Allah is forgiving towards them.
If Allah forgives them, their creator, who are we to keep a grudge against them?
I give "replies" to posts which you call as me getting "offensive", I don't mind.
Insha Allah, my duty is to make myself clear to the best of my ability.
The rest is up to the readers. I am not here to fight with anyone.
Salaam.
@ Soul I have respect for your view I know where you are coming from but we have to change the way we think the world is changing we have to adapt to change with understanding, knowledgement, kindness, love and respect for others. What good will this help sister’s reply or other muslims out there who need our help. I am sorry to say as myself being clean and virgin you still get labelled like everyone else not everything is black and white. There is no value left in this world to appreciate our brothers and sisters anymore look around carefully brother what do you see?. Everyone is out to use someone for there own sick games even if it is an arrange marriage or love relationship. However way you look at it, it is you who will chose what you feel is right for you regardless of what ones think after all you are the adult of your faith (kismet) in the future. Follow as a true muslim believer and to help other brothers and sisters get though there difficult times I hope this shines some light w/salaams
@ soul I do not think brother muniib is ever offensive but I think you are actually missing the point of the conversation.
Fornication and adultery is something which I cannot deal with . They both happen with consent and both parties know exactly what they are doing .
You may tolerate it but I can't and every person has its own views on it . I know that most of you who are posting here are living in the west for a long time .
I myself have studied for about 8 years in the west and I don't know about you people but I have seen muslims whose judgments have been clouded by western ideas .
I know that my view point is supported by majority of muslims .
We are different sides of the same coin . Lets respect each others decision and end this argument .
@ Soul,
I am living in the East and not West.
I am not saying about people who commit adultery and continue it secretly.
I am saying about those who committed and repented to Allah and are now on the path of Islam and they may even be stronger in imaan and practice after their repentance then Muslims who may not have committed adultery.
Allah knows every soul's secrets. We cannot generalize.
All I say is that whosoever repents to Allah and does good after words we should not blame them or treat them differently due to their past.
If Allah forgives, who are we to keep a grudge.
If you get this point, Alhamdulillaah, if not, then also Alhamdulillaah.
Salaam,
Your brother.
like brother soul said different outlook. here i agree with him and disagree with you completely, because i to once wanted to marry a muslim girl and she herself told me she had a friends with benefits in the past. that is something i personally cannot look past . but doesn't make me or soul any less muslim. whatever she did was out of free will. its not about forgiveness but acceptance. many of us want a beautiful wife. so why not someone with less of a pas than this. and i apologize if any of my words hurt you or you took in the wrong way bro. may allah guide us all ameen
@ Soul i strongly disagree with you
@ soul regardless if one from east or west you will find both sides are the same. I have seen the same in east that Muslims are clouded ideas of west as well with greed, corruption etc. If you’re from east don’t you see east is influenced in the west idea’s as well so what’s the difference do you see people who care, no they don’t. I can easily say if east don’t like west ideas why was you here studying why don’t you stay in east and give east the benefit the likes of you. Why you walking around at our west thinking you have the right to make assumptions whilst east is just as bad look what’s happening in Pakistan humans killing humans like animals. It doesn’t matter where you come from people generally all around the world think the same I am sorry to say the tradition, culture is becoming fade. Each to their own what you got to realise is not everything is black and white. You have to forgive and move forward, you may not prefer this sort of person but there are others who will. Sorry if I have made harsh comments there but people got to understand there are people who repent to past mistakes and they themselves have proved only to Allah. We, you nor I have no right to hold this against someone who has changed there path. I rather gladly accept this sort of person then except someone who is fake and always covers up by looking good in front of others. Only Allah knows best what’s in the other persons heart and kismet
I don't agree to your post at all .
You have made false assumptions . You can have your view point but you can't change mine and I am glad that there are many people who would agree with me . You only represent a minority
I would even go as far as to say that if I was given a option between a woman who is a maid , poor , uneducated but pure and there is another woman who is rich ,is a beauty queen and have all that materialistic things but was a fornicator . I would go for the maid ... I can use my resources and would equip that woman with all the skills necessary .
"the pure men are for the pure women, and the pure women are for the pure men." [36.24]
Soul,
I have deleted your comment as it was full of both arrogance and ignorance and had nothing to do with the original question in this post. You made some flippant comments about people living in the West, yet you yourself lived and studied in the West for eight years.
There is nothing wrong with living in the West if our presence can be a positive influence on our non Muslim fellow humans. And since one of our duties on earth is to do dawah (ie to invite others to Islam), I see no better place to be than in a non Muslim country. I could say alot more on this subject, but this is not the place for such a discussion.
I have noticed though that your recent comments have been filled with much hate and negativity. I don't know why you are behaving so, but its not healthy. In future, please ensure that your comments are directly related to the initial question in the post and nothing more otherwise they will be deleted.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I only replied in that manner because ms.samina attacked me regarding my educational years .
@ soul exactly. What sisiterz have said is what I was trying to tell you but it is you that seem to have so much hate towards people and have said negative comments towards brother Muniib. I even found some of your words and comments highly offensive especially about my west culture, when I was trying to explain the point across to you reasonably. I was sticking up for my brother in Islam who also was reasonably stating the facts but you don’t get the point.
@soul I did not attack you or even about your educational years. I stated the full facts to you. I found you highly offensive when you made such remarks about the west and for that I felt I needed to say to you why did you come to west if you do not like west ideas. When you are in west people need to adapt to west if you can’t go back to east and give benefits to your own country in east and say ulhimdiallah.
When you are in west people need to adapt to west if you
You mean leave islamic rules and adopt western laws ... Wow
@ soul no one is saying leave Islamic rules it about discipline and line of respect for others the rest is up to you as you see it or not.
Soul and Samina,
Your conversations back and forth have drifted far away from the original post and this really is not the right forum for your deviated topic of discussion.
I think its about time that you both agree to disagree otherwise comments will be deleted, don't you?
If you have something helpful to say for the author of the original post, then you are most welcome to write away.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams Sisterz
you are right i apolgise and i leave it at this may allah guide us
@ soul I have said nothing to do assumptions I have stated you the facts that is happening in this world. Read my comments carefully. No one is forcing you to change your way of thinking but you have to realise there are people in this world who make mistakes no one is perfect. There are good points and bad points in people whether you agree or not. There are people who are pure or not and get mocked for being virgins so there are pressures surrounding them everyday with the socity, culture they live in. What you got to realise is the outlook of it is not black and white fact. What you said about west with west ideas I found highly offensive because why did you come to west to study if you generally do not like west ideas don’t you think you should have stayed and studied in east. For example if you went to another country such has Dubai you have to obey the countries law and adapt to change each country is not the same in culture wise. The rest you do is your choice but what you are saying and applying and applying is now offensive.
There are people who are pure or not and get mocked for being virgins so there are pressures surrounding them everyday with the socity, culture they live in.
Wow .... Let people talk ... You must follow your religion and btw mocking is nothing compared to the persecution suffered by prophet and his companions ...
Salaam my brother,
I am sorry you are having to deal with the pain of indecisiveness.
Whatever bothers you in the beginning, will amplify and multiply during marriage. Anything you force yourself to accept will come back and torture you. This is the truth as I see it.
If you doubt....do not proceed with this. It is not fair on either of you. Whether you are right or wrong to feel this way is irrelevant. Some people are OK with these things, some are not. What will dictate your marriage is how you feel about this, regardless of if it is right or wrong.
You both deserve 100% love and acceptance in marriage, if you cannot give this, your marriage will never reach the deep connection it needs to develop and become strong. There is a man i. The world who will love and accept this woman, past and all - and she deserves that. And there is a woman out there who will fulfil your criteria and fill you with conviction rather than doubt.
Do not be convinced into doing what you may later regret. Marriage is a life long commitment. If in doubt - stop.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Asalamoalaikum brother,
I am sorry to hear about your struggle and may Allah swt give you the wisdom to make the right decision for both yourself and the woman you are confused regarding.
Firstly, I’d like to say that if you can find it within you to let go of this woman’s past then that would be the ideal route to go. I can understand that it may very difficult for you to do (especially if you have no past) so I am by means forcing you to let go of her past. It really depends on how well you can cope with it and if you feel that you can live with her happily after this truth.
However some points to consider before making a final decision is that we all sin: small or large, but we all do it. The best of us though are those who turn towards the path of repentance and never walk that path again. You see, if a person has committed fornication in the past, asked for sincere repentance and never walked that path again—this in itself speaks volumes of this person’s character and intentions. I say this because they have awakened their “dormant” desires but alhumdulillah have enough strength to go against their nafs—their biological drive and not commit the sin again. A person who has never engaged in such an act is at an advantage as they may not struggle with this aspect. So try to weigh things accordingly; you have said it yourself that she is marriage material but this issue is weighing down all her good qualities.
Now coming to my second point, if however, despite all this you feel—your heart feels, that it cannot accept her past, then kindly let her go. Do her and yourself this favour, because by choosing to marry her and then making both your and her life a living hell (due to her repented past) it won’t bring any of you happiness. Maybe Allah swt willed it to be this way—that she reveals her past to you as Allah swt knows that you may not be able to accept it and this may be a sign for you to let her go—I really don’t know. But what I do know is that if you cannot find it in yourself to accept her along with her past then kindly let her free and yourself also.
There is no pressure on you to forgive or not forgive her—it really depends on the condition of your heart. Of course, Allah swt will be truly pleased with you if you do forgive her but there is no punishment if you don’t. Try to if you can though.
In the end, if you do decide to leave her, do it in the kindliest manner as Allah swt is the to most merciful and the most kind—He forgives us all the time, so as humans if we cannot forgive someone, we should at least be kind to them and let them free with gentleness so that the other person does not feel further damaged due to their repented past.
-Helping Sister
Assalamu alaykum,
Why should she seek forgiveness of a man when she is not even his wife yet?
She should seek forgiveness of Allah only as she is still single.
Yes, if while being wife had she committed open immorality she should have asked her husband to forgive.
But right now, if she is repenting for her deeds, she is the best girl.
She repents to Allah and has no needs to be sorry to any man, not even to her future husband.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Brother Muniib,
Yes, you are correct and that is exactly what I meant--asking sincere repentence from Allah swt. In fact, she does not need to seek repentence from this man because this is her past and not something she has done with him to hurt him, etc.
Apologies for not writing clearly; i'm having a mind block today.
-Helping Sister
Ahhh.... Sister no need at all for apology.
Just wanted to make a point that the girl is under no duty to seek forgiveness of future husband for her past.
Happy to see Alahmdulillaah your post after a gap of days. Hope you are doing good. Mind blocks come, so remember Allah's guidance, they will unblock themselves.
Salaam,
Your brother.
JazakAllah khair brother. Yes i've been quite busy with University but will be on board in a couple of days, inshAllah.
-Helping Sister
Salaam brother,
my wife was a muslim and she has a past that i found out after marriage. I shared my story here and learned a lot however i am still going through the pain of her past. though i am trying my best to accept her but it is hard for me to accept her as my wife. i dont say anything to her because i dont want to ruin it. but i know that i hate this situtation that i am in where my wife has repented and forgotten her past and is a better muslim now, doing all what a good wife should do but i am forceful to fulfil my responsibilities.
my advise to you if you already know the past then you have to leave this past behind with this thinking that she was a non-muslim when she had done anything wrong but now she is converted and she knows what is right .if you cannot accept that right now then please don't marry her otherwise either you will spend a life like me or you will make her life miserable.
Brother Akbar I am really sorry for your pain you are feeling. Brother I totally agree with what you are saying. Your wife's past is the past, whenever you think about the negatives of your wifes past think of the postive time you got with each other now. Ulhumdiallah you both are married and has you stated she is a good muslim now. I think what upset you and any other person is that the fact your wife never told you of her past and i think that will take time for you to forgive and heal the scars you are suffering. But please dont ruin your marriage, let all the thoughts out of your head, your wife is your wife and she is fulling her duty to you as vice vera you are too. Surely making your marriage work would mean something for you as you must love her and she does to you. I hope you too get through this pain you are feeling and heal within time ameen.
For this brother in question think long and hard before you marry this sister at least she was honest to you before marrying you that shows to me your girlsfriend is decent and the rest is up to you because what you do now will be your future. I hope this goes well for you too.
Asalamoalaikum brother akbar,
I’m sorry to hear about your struggle and although this is not your post, I still felt this need to write to you.
I wont’ re-iterate the excellent advice both brother Wael and sister Samina have given, but if you don’t mind me asking, did your wife confess her past to you after marriage or did you find out through some other means?
Brother,
I know it is very difficult for you to forget her past and unfortunately sometimes we make huge life lasting blunders in our lives, but many of us do regret them; trust me. It would be a blessing for your wife to be given another chance in your eyes due to her repented past. Please, try to find it within you to let go her past life. You have said yourself that she is a good Muslimah so don’t let her past, something that no longer exists ruin your blissful marriage. Shaitaan is trying his best to send you negative whispers so you further suspect her, get into a fight and Allah forbid you know where this stuff leads to eventually.
I myself have sinned in the past and I have sincerely repented from it. Trust me; my duaa to Allah swt day and night is to conceal my repented sin in this world and the hereafter. I really don’t want to be in your wife or any Muslaimah’s situation who has repented from her past sin. I realize the enormity of my sin and I really pray that Allah swt forgives me and gives me a pious husband, inshAllah.
Your post makes me think of my future and brings this fear within me, what do you recommend I do when I get married: be honest with my husband or never say anything? I know this is not my post and I do apologize but I am asking this question only because this brother is a married man who is in dilemma right now that I can somewhat relate to.
Apologies to the editors if they feel that I am deviating from the posted question; I just really want to know what married brothers would recommend although it is desired to conceal one’s sin in Allah swt’s eyes.
-Helping Sister
Clarification:
Brother Akbar,
you have wrote a similar response in another post that brother Wael has also replied to and I didn't realize that you again wrote a similar response on in this post also. That's why I wrote that both brother Wael and sister Samina have given you excellent advice (referring to the other post in which you wrote and brother Wael has responded too).
Apologies for any confusion.
-Helping Sister
Helping sister .... I really have sympathy for you . I pray that you find some one who will accept your past ....
Listen ur heart dude and leve the past,guys who live in the past dont have future, i was in same situation i blame my girl i make her suffer a bit just to pay for her past,but now when she pay when she showed me how much she rly love me i make her the happyest girl in the world 🙂 i addmit it was evil from me...but like i can see every1 have past....hmmm musli dont have sex until they married....thats a bit hard but.... LOVE IS THE ANSWER! 😀 (just my opinion)
Im in the same situation; bothers me a lot. I go through months where it's not an issue and then all of a sudden it comes back - it's something you look at in the bigger picture. I'm a bit of a hypocrite myself as I have sinned in the past, so I therefore can not make judgments at her. Also, it is known that " judging someone by their past is like carrying dead persons on your shoulders", i.e. a waste of time.
I think you should accept it and move on; you love her and you are her opportunity for a new beginning. This is what I have told myself at least. I can understand if you are a virgin, then it is very difficult accept it but still, she has repented and reverted insha-allah. Let Allah be the judge of you both and trust your instincts.
I wish you all the best and would love to know the outcome. This subject is very touchy and often subjective as everyone is different. I hope insha-allah I hear that you two get married and share many beautiful years together.
I would also like to say that you should keep praying and ask for advice as Allah is the only one we can turn to.
Brother.
Assalam o Alaikum brothers and sisters,
All of you brothers who are struggling with this should watch this video. It's unfortunate that a lot of sisters go through this especially when most of brothers themselves have done haram deeds in the past. You always have a choice, be honest about how you feel and remove yourself from such a situation if you think you can't look past their past or else accept them but never bring this up in the future. Here's the video; hope you all like it iA.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7UJVVsIS8A
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
brother every1 here telling u to let go of past .. Its past.. See good side.. Have no clue what it feels like to be in such situation... They are just bystanders... Brother i loved my girl alot .. More than u can even imagine... The first 2 yrs when the love was new i never thought abt her past... But then slowly slowly it started to eat me up... Brother ud never get over it.. In the beginning it will feel like maybe ud get over it ... Ur brain will stop functioning .. U will loose the value in your life... Let alone ud never be able to be intimate with her... Bro ill be open with u... U will be so much troubled with the thoughts that it will make u suicidal day in and day out... U wnt be able to do anything properly... Ud think and think and think... If u dnt have a past LEAVE!!!!! Slowly slowly thoughts abt her past sexual partners will eat u .. Ud think whos better... What did they do.... Ud even go to the point of measuring ur self with them... Everytime ud even think of making love to ur wife ur brain will throw a whole movie of her past... Ud touch her and ud think ohh who else would have touched her here.. bro it will drive u crazy... And eventually ud just leave... ud leave her but then the lovers remorse will start eating u up..... BRO dnt listen to these ppl telling u past is past... Its only getting stronger and id tell everytime ud compare to her past partners ud always loose... Even if they were the shittest theyd always win.... The deamons will kill u bro... My advise pls marry a virgin girl... Ud be very happy... Let her find sOmeone else... if u have kids with th u wnt even be ablle to love them either.. Leave broooo !!!! Leave.... Before u fall for ur girl even more.... we finished and i still cant get over her and her past....
Asalamu aleykum,
I totally agree with this post. I am in this situation as we speak. Wallahi, its something which is very difficult to get over.
This Gheera that Allah has created within us muslim men, alhamdulillah its a blessijg as it allows us to protect our women. But it is a very strong feeling which makes the past sexual lives of our wives a very difficukt pill to swallow, if not impossible. I found this girl who is marriage material. And have been trying for months to get over it. Wallahi almost every sentence brother Ali mentioned, i have to agree. Iv promised myself not to marry this sister, yet i still cant get over it. Its literally drives you suicidal. I pray for this sister for everyday to Allah to purify her and she has changed. But its reallly tough.
If it helps anybody already within this situation then id like to share a hadith which may bring some easy. If you are thinking of getting yourself into this situation, sincere advice from a brother in islam, dont.
The prophet pbuh mentioned 3 things eradicate the past, 1) accepting islam 2) hijrah 3) hajj.
May Allah make it easy for us all. Assalamu Aleykum.
Assalam alaikum,
I wanted to share more on gheerah:
So, as you said that Gheerah allows a man to protect his wife...but you then spoke of gheerah and related it to suicide (as did brother Ali above): Its literally drives you suicidal. Are you sure that gheerah is what gives you suicidal thoughts or the whispering from shaitaan? Are you sure that you are not confusing the two? Of course gheerah can help protect your wife in the current situation, but no one can do anything about the past and even the first Muslims married and there were those that had a past--but we should focus on the present, not the past especially when a person has repented. At some point, one has to draw a line between yourself and the sins of another person (which are between them and Allah swt). Of course, there will always be situations that should be avoided in which we should be cautious and use wisdom.
Assalaamualaikam
Well said, sister. MashaAllah.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Lal-Khattab said "no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future" Hence the quote.. What is in the past, is history. You can't change it now. That guilt you feel, don't live with it. Rather, reference it. Make sure you never feel that guilt. As for the future, you can worry all you want but what is not meant to come to you, will never come your way. Worry about what you have now. As long she repented to Allah That's all matters