Questions about husband not finanicially supporting son.
Assalamualikum.
May ALLAH ta ala bless us and give us all his abundant blessings here on earth and thereafter Ameen.
My concern is about my ex-husband who has no love for his son, nor has been supporting him since he was born until now as we are divorced. WHAT IS THE ISLAMIC RULING and what are the things that I can do? Advice will be very much appreciated, especially from those who have undergone the same issue.
I reverted to Islam 15 years ago, and alhamdulillah lived the islamic life since then. I got married with a man from Pakistan (single man though from a broken family as he said) 10 years ago. The deception started right on the day of marriage. We never talked about me asking for Mahr; it is required but just I did not force any amount on it. When the judge asked him if Mahr was given, he said yes and for him not to be insulted, I said yes too when the judge asked me. But in fact, I did not receive any mahr from him.
In our married life, he only got a good job for a max of 3 months, and the employers easily terminated him for reasons only ALLAH and them know. He as a husband did not really support me. In fact, I was the one supporting him and our daily needs. At first, it was okay for me because I thought that he would also do the same once he got job, but I was wrong. When he got money, I never saw his wallet anywhere in the house. Lots and lots happened, and from there I started feeling hate for him. I started counting my financial rights and problems became more. Plus, he started talking bad against my mother (saying that my 69 year old mother is a whore and that all of us are whores, astagfirullah). He repeated this many times. With all these grounds of non-support, bad talking, even calling me a kafr, and some beating...I filed for khula and was granted it after 11 months of going back and forth to the Court.
During the Khula process, we were given muslim arbitrators. They asked us about our wishes and discussed how our son should be supported. He clearly told the arbitrators that if our son was to be with me (mother), he will never give a penny, but he wanted to get his son and send him to Pakistan.
The Court granted the Khula, with him to pay a certain fixed amount for the expenses that I paid for the during whole process, and the monthly support for my son for those 11 months (as this is from the date I filed and the date Khula was granted). This amount did not include the monthly support he has to give to my son now, as I have custody of my son.
After one year from the Khula date, he has not given any support to my son- yet he demands to see him whenever he wants. For me not to make an issue for others to see, I am letting him see my son. As for him, he cannot support his son because he still has no job. For almost 10 years he has not gotten a good job, and this is because he is the kind of person who is not willing to take low salary jobs and he says he needs a salary of more than 8K (at least) a month. He has this ego that he is only good for managerial jobs because he has a masteral education. Now he is living in Dubai without employment, and has a visa which a good samaritan gave him just for him to be able to stay in Dubai.
I already filed the case for him to pay this certain amount after divorce. But according to him, he would rather go to jail than to pay this big amount-especially because he has no job.
I made an agreement with him that I don't want his money, but I need to relocate my son at least for one year (with my mother) for me to be able to pay my remaining debts and to save for my son's education which is to start next year inshaALLAH. But he just told me loudly, "No I will never let my son go into your family."
The big turn here is that he wants to get his son from me and bring him to Pakistan without him supporting him financially.
My questions are:
1) What the Court can do when and if he will not pay the amount? This is contempt of the Court's ruling.
2) Can he take my son away from me even if I'm the one suffering just for the good of my son? His small brothers are not even studying because no one is supporting them. How can I entrust my son to him?
3) What is the age a son must be in order for the father to apply for custody? What are the grounds he can use?
4) What are the grounds I can file on in order for my son to remain in my custody even if he reaches the right age?
5) Can I also file for custody and guardianship at the same time? I am doing these both anyway.
6) Can the court give me written permission for my son to go out of the country even if the father is not agreeing? This is making me insane. I am the one giving all the needs of my son yet JUST BECAUSE HE IS THE FATHER, it seems that the control is on him? Can this really be true?
My apology for my long letter, I need help. I have a salary which is just enough for our expenses. I cannot even go anymore for medical check-ups or have much more to save. I'm afraid of something happened to me or my son here, then who will support us? If something happened to me, will he just happily take my son without the sacrifice?
Your advises will be highly appreciated.
Jazzak ALLAH Khair.
Haneen
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Assalam alaikum,
Congratulations on coming to Islam--mashaAllah, that is wonderful.
I am really sorry to hear about your marriage and the troubles that have piled up since your divorce. It would really help to know which court made the ruling and where you are right now. I am not sure if anyone would really be able to answer your questions without this information--because most of your questions are legal.
You mentioned that you told the court that your husband had paid mahr when in fact he did not--Dear sister, there is no point in protecting his image when he doesn't even protect it himself.
I see you going through more pain in this situation if you continue to hold any kind of expectation from this man--do your best for yourself and your son and I wouldn't necessarily be so accommodating. Yes, he has a right to see his son, but when you are the one that is completely financially responsible, he can't just make demands on you. Do not just give in to his demands--if the court is imposing, that is a different matter--but make very clear to the four the situation without protecting the father of your son.
Make a lot of du'a to Allah swt--especially because you never know when a difficult situation can become better.
Al-Quran 94:5 "For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease."
I am sorry that I don't have more to offer--May Allah ease your pain and difficulties, Ameen!
Dear Sister,
I feel a lot for you and i pray to Allah (Swt) to help you out and to make things easy for you .ameen
i cant advice you anything legally as laws differ country to country. i would recommend you to meet some lawyer to get guided correctly as per law of your country.
in general i would say that try not to let the custody of your son go to your ex husband as he seems to be manipulative bad person and he can affect your son's personality, he can even manipulate him against you. Your ex husband's motives are doubtful hence you should not risk to send your son to him ever.
Recite as much as you can
HasbunAllahi Wani'mal wakeel= Allah (alone) is sufficient for us (Qur'an 3:173)
Your Sister
Salam Sister,
Your ex husband is in contempt of court and you need to go back to court to fight for your sons rights. If your ex husband would rather go to jail than provide financially for his child, I say let him go to jail. When my parents were divorced, the courts decided what amount of money he was to give to my mother. My father walked out on my mother and left her with 4 very small children. He never paid any money and because I do believe that she still loved him, she would not take him to court. Who suffered as a result? Her children did. Many times we did not have food or heat in the winter. Did he care? Not at all. He went on with his life and enjoyed himself.
Your ex husband is not a father at all. A father would contribute money to his child's well being and do whatever necessary for him to have a decent upbringing. Your ex husband has no right at all to demand anything of you especially if after a year he is not working. There is no excuse at all to not have a job...none. Sometimes we take whatever job we can especially if we have a child to provide for. I know of grown men with Ph. D's driving taxi's in this economy!
If your ex husband does not have a job and is not willing to take a job in order to help support his child, how does he expect to support his child in Pakistan? This man is not a father in any sense of the word at all. A father does not abandon his child and make lame excuses for not finding work. A father does what is necessary for his child in so that he/she can have food, clothing and shelter.
You need to go back to the court, make them aware that your ex husband is not fulfilling his financial obligations to your child...his child. You didn't make this child by yourself and you most certainly should not have to carry the full weight of the financial responsibility of raising him alone.
Your ex husband can and should get a job but he chooses not to. You should not be concerned what others will see or think in regards to your husband not fulfilling his duties to his son, however you should be concerned with your son and how he is being denied what is due him. Ten years and no job? I call that kind of person a bum, plain and simple. I know of a "bum" who lets his wife support him. Same story..."I can't find a job". When he gets hired, he is no sooner fired. He doesn't want to work and enjoys letting his wife do it all. Pathetic excuse of a man.
A mans ego does not pay the bills. My husband has a PhD and given the market, he makes less than what he feels he could or should be making. However, he works and works hard. There are bills to be paid and mouths to feed and that is reality. To not work because one feels the salary isn't enough, especially when one has a child is utterly selfish and ridiculous.
Why are you making agreements with your ex whether you relocate your son with you mother? He has nothing to do with him anyway!!! You don't need his permission at all. What you do need to do is go to your local court and explain the situation and let them decide what is permissible. Your ex husband does not hold any cards right now...you do. You are being a mother to your son...you are the one who feeds him, clothes him and takes care of all his needs. You are the one who tucks him in at night and kisses all his fears away.
Your ex husband is not in control of anything at this point. Not over you nor your son. When you let the court know of your intentions of how you want to take your son to your mother for help, it is they that will decide what you can and cannot do. They will want to make certain that the fathers rights are protected and will look at everything in front of them. Your ex husband at this point in time has no grounds for anything. He is an absent father who has never paid what the courts ordered and he is in contempt of court as we speak. No court is going to rule in his favor given the information you have provided.
All of your questions can be answered by the proper authorities at your local court. Stop worrying and get moving. Your son is looking to you to do whatever you deem is in his best interest. You keep being a good mother to your son, get back to court and you do what you need to do to take care of both of you.
May Allah keep you and your son safe and protect you both always.
Salam
Assalamualikum.
Thank you so much for the encouraging words, great help.
I've decided to send my son out, without or without consent of anyone. It's me who is suffering day by day I'm falling into debts. Just waiting to finish some documentations.
He fight or file case against me in court, I will face him no matter what, when and where. ALLAH knows how much I am suffering and I have no more way.
Same as your mom, I did this mistake of not making serious moves against him. Not that I love him because I really don't, but thinking that he is a human and without job. Been telling him for long time, drive a taxi but hes just sayin that a taxi job is a doggie job.
Jazzak ALLAh Khair...