We both wanted to marry but his mother doesn’t agree because I am a revert
Assalam O Alaikum,
I was Christian when he came into my life as a stranger and we became friends later and he started teaching me about his religion Islam as I found it interesting. I was eager to learn more and later as I made attempt to embrace Islam; the beautiful religion we started falling for each other. That time he was very practising Muslim who did five prayer in time and taught me a lot of good deeds. After a short while I started to pray five times. But by then we both had already committed the biggest sin of adultery; he promised to me that he will be with me forever as he claimed that he was also in love with me. We both were virgins and also said that he was waiting to marry me. He informed his parents and told them that I am a revert and he is in love with me and wants to marry me. His parents who he claims are very religious Muslims strongly disagreed to it as I was a revert and my parents were catholics. What is with this statement.
Muslims should be blessed to have a revert in their family as their duas are always given first priority by Allah (swt). Why did they not like me? His mother also wanted to have a girl who has a family which in my case is not possible as I am a revert. After all those comments he didn’t give up on me and tried to push his parents. Suddenly, his health started to go down and he had to stop work. He had to completely depend on his parents but parents warned him that they won’t help him financially if he doesn’t cut ties with me. I was able to afford for one of his surgeries and I did help him with that but that’s all I was able to afford. I prayed and made dua for him to get better but later on he changed and wanted to stop. He said that he will marry the girl which his parents will choose for him. Suddenly, his sources started to accuse my mother of charming him for us to stop our relationship and for him to suffer so much but I was not aware of any of these.
I asked my mother but she scolded me and said; why would she do so? I was so hurt and sad as I loved him like my own flesh and blood and was ready to sacrifice anything in this world for him. I couldn’t bear the pain and still can’t; I went to the extent of begging him to not to leave me to show that I was committed and obidient to him. I changed my whole lifestyle when I embraced Islam. After all that; he didn’t care as though he was the most heartless person to forget all what we have been through together in the past; broke all the promises. He scolded me a lot and then the month of Ramadan started but still I couldn’t give up on him. Later he asked me to speak to his mom and if she agrees then we will get married. By then he had already hinted her about our intimate relationship. I called his mom and tried hard to convince her but to no avail; she said that she can find me another revert just like me to marry. I told him and he said that their was no other option as he needed his parents’ blessings while I was ready to leave my Christian parents for him.
I couldn’t take it anymore and told him that I will be changing my contact numbers. He called me one last time and said that he really loved me but had no choice as he depends on his parents. He said that he will keep in touch via mail which I doubt and said that he will try once more with his mom because his mom was very upset about our intimate relationship. He told me that don’t give up hope and make a lot of dua. I am still so hurt and I am going crazy without him beside me; at least to hear his voice once a day. I miss him so much and I am praying to Allah to give him back to me and cry a lot.
Please help me; what should I expect and do next? I have committed adultery with him and I need him in my life as we always used to consider ourselves husband and wife.
Wasalam,
Zulaiha.
Leyla's Answer:
Salaam Zulaija,
I am sorry that you have gone so far with this relationship and that you are feeling so much hurt and pain now.
You did not commit adultery: premarital sex is "zina" (fornication). Coming from a Catholic background, there is much in your previous religion regarding chastity and so this should be a familiar story for you.
“And come not near to unlawful sex. Verily, it is a Faahishah (i.e. anything that transgresses its limits: a great sin, and an evil way that leads one to hell unless Allaah Forgives him)” [al-Isra’ 17:32]
Although you have become very attached to this boy, it is absolutely essential that you recognise this attachment is one that is happening in a haram manner. Therefore, it is not piety or Godliness to see this relationship as something that is right for you or meant for you - this is sin, and the pain that you feel at not having what you wanted is the pain of lust. In order to reach piety, it is important for us to step away from our desires and look at what Allah intends for us and what his rulings are, and change our behaviour to fit in with what is Islamic and not with what we feel we want or desire the most.
I would ask that you do not feel any anger towards his parents. Although you know the "full story" or your relationship and your emotions, his parents experience is that one day their son comes home and tells them he has met a girl, and then some time later - that girl calls them and says that they have slept with each other and they want to marry. No Islamic parents will respond with "Oh, OK - now that you have slept with my son outside of marriage - please come into my home and accept my blessings" because from the Islamic viewpoint, you would be leading him astray. I am not in any way saying that you have led this boy astray - I am simply trying to highlight the parent's experience and to demonstrate that even though through your eyes their actions seem wrong because they have led to a conclusion that you do not want, but in their eyes, they are doing the right thing and protecting their son from harm and dissension from Allah.
Chastity is a quality that everyone must strive to achieve.
“Whoever guarantees for me (that) what is between his legs and what is between his two beards ( his mouth). I guarantee for him paradise.” (Bukhari)
Once we have broken the vow of chastity before marriage, we have invited non-pious elements into our decision making process and we have forgotten Allah. When we forget Allah in our actions and our thoughts, all we get at the end of it is chaos - internal chaos as we try to reconcile our internal devotion with the external act of disbelief: to establish the five daily prayers, and then to get up and fornicate: this is a tremendous conflict. Faith is not simply the act of 5 daily prayers, but the embodiment of the rules that we believe in and live by.
You feel as though you are in love, and that you cannot survive without this boy. Naturally, you are hurt and torn by his actions - however instead of devoting yourself to him, and devoting yourself to the pursuit of him - what is better for you is to recognise and take responsiblity that this situation has arisen because even though you believed yourself to be in devotion to Islam, it has emerged that what you were doing was simply following your desires. Premarital sex is not a route to marriage (the first time or any other time), and no one is going to choose a wife on the basis that she slept with him or no, and no parent is going to advise their son to marry a girl because he has lain with her.
For you, there is much to recover from and the first step towards recovery is to work on giving up your desire and seeing these events as unjust. What has happened now has happened, and part of religious life is to accept the consequences of our actions and decision and turn to Allah, rather than chasing an outcome that will make things better. It is absolutely essential that you desist in this path. If you can muster up the strength to let go and make peace with what has happened, if you can focus inward on mending yourself rather than looking outward and holding others (such as his parents) responsible for what has happened - then you will feel a change in yourself where you will cultivate a great strength and emotional self-sufficiency which will build a way for you to see more clearly in the future and protect yourself from this kind of harm. Take one essential Islamic virtue at a time and focus wholeheartedly on it until you master it and change your focus to this activity and remove your focus from your desires and from being a victim. There have been many religious breaches which have led you up until this moment, and so, by remedying them one by one - you can take your steps back to Allah, and achieve a state of piety which was not there before. In doing so, you will transform what feels like a bad situation, into a blessing.
Motivation to improve ourselves is not always positive, sometimes, it takes something very painful to push us to the right path and the right road in life. The truth is that you feel off the straight path some time ago, in your willingness to forsake your parents, in fornication, in overwhelming desire for a human being. Elhamdulilah, this is an opportunity now to really and truly understand how true are the virtues of Islam, and how beneficial they are to those who accept them and practice them. Elhamdulilah, there is much to be greatful for in this situation - the fact that it is over now, the fact that you have an opportunity to stop suffering, you can learn to forgive, you can refine your practice, you can be close to your parents and overall, you can truly understand and know how to protect yourself from future harm of this kind.
Step away from him and your desire of him, and step towards practice and the accomplishment of piety by taking one virtue at a time. Although you may feel that this boy is what you want the most right now, once you turn that desire into a love of Allah and virtue: you will feel the true happiness, the one that no one can take away from you.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
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Leyla's Answer:
Salaam Zulaija,
I am sorry that you have gone so far with this relationship and that you are feeling so much hurt and pain now.
You did not commit adultery: premarital sex is "zina" (fornication). Coming from a Catholic background, there is much in your previous religion regarding chastity and so this should be a familiar story for you.
“And come not near to unlawful sex. Verily, it is a Faahishah (i.e. anything that transgresses its limits: a great sin, and an evil way that leads one to hell unless Allaah Forgives him)” [al-Isra’ 17:32]
Although you have become very attached to this boy, it is absolutely essential that you recognise this attachment is one that is happening in a haram manner. Therefore, it is not piety or Godliness to see this relationship as something that is right for you or meant for you - this is sin, and the pain that you feel at not having what you wanted is the pain of lust. In order to reach piety, it is important for us to step away from our desires and look at what Allah intends for us and what his rulings are, and change our behaviour to fit in with what is Islamic and not with what we feel we want or desire the most.
I would ask that you do not feel any anger towards his parents. Although you know the "full story" or your relationship and your emotions, his parents experience is that one day their son comes home and tells them he has met a girl, and then some time later - that girl calls them and says that they have slept with each other and they want to marry. No Islamic parents will respond with "Oh, OK - now that you have slept with my son outside of marriage - please come into my home and accept my blessings" because from the Islamic viewpoint, you would be leading him astray. I am not in any way saying that you have led this boy astray - I am simply trying to highlight the parent's experience and to demonstrate that even though through your eyes their actions seem wrong because they have led to a conclusion that you do not want, but in their eyes, they are doing the right thing and protecting their son from harm and dissension from Allah.
Chastity is a quality that everyone must strive to achieve.
“Whoever guarantees for me (that) what is between his legs and what is between his two beards ( his mouth). I guarantee for him paradise.” (Bukhari)
Once we have broken the vow of chastity before marriage, we have invited non-pious elements into our decision making process and we have forgotten Allah. When we forget Allah in our actions and our thoughts, all we get at the end of it is chaos - internal chaos as we try to reconcile our internal devotion with the external act of disbelief: to establish the five daily prayers, and then to get up and fornicate: this is a tremendous conflict. Faith is not simply the act of 5 daily prayers, but the embodiment of the rules that we believe in and live by.
You feel as though you are in love, and that you cannot survive without this boy. Naturally, you are hurt and torn by his actions - however instead of devoting yourself to him, and devoting yourself to the pursuit of him - what is better for you is to recognise and take responsiblity that this situation has arisen because even though you believed yourself to be in devotion to Islam, it has emerged that what you were doing was simply following your desires. Premarital sex is not a route to marriage (the first time or any other time), and no one is going to choose a wife on the basis that she slept with him or no, and no parent is going to advise their son to marry a girl because he has lain with her.
For you, there is much to recover from and the first step towards recovery is to work on giving up your desire and seeing these events as unjust. What has happened now has happened, and part of religious life is to accept the consequences of our actions and decision and turn to Allah, rather than chasing an outcome that will make things better. It is absolutely essential that you desist in this path. If you can muster up the strength to let go and make peace with what has happened, if you can focus inward on mending yourself rather than looking outward and holding others (such as his parents) responsible for what has happened - then you will feel a change in yourself where you will cultivate a great strength and emotional self-sufficiency which will build a way for you to see more clearly in the future and protect yourself from this kind of harm. Take one essential Islamic virtue at a time and focus wholeheartedly on it until you master it and change your focus to this activity and remove your focus from your desires and from being a victim. There have been many religious breaches which have led you up until this moment, and so, by remedying them one by one - you can take your steps back to Allah, and achieve a state of piety which was not there before. In doing so, you will transform what feels like a bad situation, into a blessing.
Motivation to improve ourselves is not always positive, sometimes, it takes something very painful to push us to the right path and the right road in life. The truth is that you feel off the straight path some time ago, in your willingness to forsake your parents, in fornication, in overwhelming desire for a human being. Elhamdulilah, this is an opportunity now to really and truly understand how true are the virtues of Islam, and how beneficial they are to those who accept them and practice them. Elhamdulilah, there is much to be greatful for in this situation - the fact that it is over now, the fact that you have an opportunity to stop suffering, you can learn to forgive, you can refine your practice, you can be close to your parents and overall, you can truly understand and know how to protect yourself from future harm of this kind.
Step away from him and your desire of him, and step towards practice and the accomplishment of piety by taking one virtue at a time. Although you may feel that this boy is what you want the most right now, once you turn that desire into a love of Allah and virtue: you will feel the true happiness, the one that no one can take away from you.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Salaam alakum,
This is to all the Muslims out there specially brothers, they start teaching Islam to non-Muslims sisters and most of them end up committing fornication with them, how can you do that, don't fornicate, don't fornicate,don't fornicate,don't fornicate,don't fornicate,don't fornicate,don't fornicate,don't fornicate,don't fornicate,don't fornicate,don't fornicate,don't fornicate,
There is a promise made by Prophet himself (peace and blessing be upon him) and that is whoever promises that he/she will never misuse two things in their life
1: one which resides between the two thighs (sharamgah) i.e. remains chaste and
2: second which resides between the two jaws (tongue) i.e. never speaks ill about anybody or use bad language.
if a persons promises never to misuse this two things in his life then Prophet (peace and blessing be upon him) promise he himself will ask Allah ta'allah for Jannat for that person and when Prophet (peace and blessing be upon him) himself askes how can Allah ta'allah refuse.
sister
salaamualaykum to you and your family.
please tell this man to man up.
he is a MAN for goodness sake, HE DOESNT NEED A WALI, OR TAKE HIS PARENTS WORDS IF THEIR JUDGEMENT IS BASED ON NOTHING BUT RACE.
tell him to man up!!!!
he doesnt need his parents to provide for him finnancially, Allaah has promised to assist 3 types of people finnancially.
1. a young man/woman who wants to get married.
2 a slave who seeks his freedom
3 a mujaahid in the cause of Allaah.
this is in an authentic hadiith, wallaahi.
so tell your husband that he DOESNOT have to obey his parents in this case, they will definately come around soon or later, they'll get used to it.
please tell him to rely on Allaah and man up.
i wish i could talk to him for your sake, but thats not possible.
and if he leaves you, then no problem, Allaah will certainly replace him with a better husband for you.
there are lots of good muslim boys out there.
both married and unmarried[virgins], reverts and born in muslim families.
Allaah ma'ak.
Good Answer !
Good advice. . . . I second that
AA;
First of all, I am glad that you embrace Islam and still praying and making Dua for him and for you and for things to get better Inshallah.
He needs to man up and take control of the issue! Talk to him and tel him he is a Man and he does nto need his parents permition,blessing because he is not doing a Haram deed! He is getting MARRID! And as for the Money, ALLAH will provide. Not to mention, usually in cases like this where the parents might be stubborn about something which is not bad, usually they will get back to their senses once it is all said and done. I am sure the mother is upset cause she wants someone from the family, or someone she can show to her friends ( I am justg uessing here since I was brought up over seas, not sure where you two live), things like that. Not based on religion.
With that said, I would also like to mention that background and cultural differences are hard for marrying couple. Things might be given for you that are not for him, and vise versa. Parents might be acting like that based on this, but then again who knows.
So, for you, pray Istikharah, please talk to him again, see if you have friends to talk in between, or even if the Imam of the mosque can help with his parents, do what ever you can to mend it. And then put your faith in Allah and trust that he will do whats best for you. Even if you do not see it, Allah knows best. And if it is nto for this life, it will be for you ion the life after.
Keep the faith, keep your head high, and your chin up, and be proud. May Allah give you patience and guide you to the correct path.
AA
Salaam sister,
When he did haraam, he did not need his parents advice or permission. Why now waiting for parent approval to do halaal thing.
Marriege does not cancel out zinaa, but we are teaching revert that muslim man can except haraam over halaah relationship. Second, we potray ourselves as being rasist.
If he knew it was impossible to marry you, he should have never approach you in a first place.
may allah heal you with time and give you a good muslim husband you soo deserve. Sister our dua are with you !!
Amna