Troubled by past relationship – Again…
Assalamwalaikum,
Before you read on, let me simply say that I am not asking any questions, nor expecting/looking for advice. I am simply venting out my feelings, and I will appreciate your responses. Also, this post is in relation to my previous post "Troubled by past relationship".
I am feeling sad because I feel that I lost and gave up on someone I loved. I also did not know myself any better, nor did I have any courage to face her with the truth when many opportunities presented themselves. I know my wrong-doing and mistakes now, and I am slowly making amends to my own self. I do not know how to grieve or what can heal this wound.
Also, I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. Is this what keeps drawing me towards Islam and Salah? but why can't I maintain the same level of devotion when things are going good and I am not wounded? Is it only when I am afflicted (especially with this grief) that I would worship Allah and seek His help? Its like a person who goes to a friend only when he needs something and won't give back in return, nor have any appreciation or gratitude for the help he gets!
This reminiscent and bitter feelings of grief seem to have been triggered on this morning (of 30/12/2014) as I was dreaming of her being in my presence, only to wake up to the reality that she is in a different place and time now with uncertainty about how she feels or whether she cares or how she too would be different from when I knew her.
"Arrrrgh!" I want to scream so loud! Also, when I get these feelings, I do not want to be around anyone and want to be left alone, away from people and away from friends. I feel like breaking all connections when such feelings come to me. I don't know what to do, and feel so pathetic!
Writing all of this seems to be somewhat comforting, but does not seem to alleviate my grief. Will this wound never heal? Even after all the time that has passed? Even though I did not know her for long? I don't want to be alone, help me please, someone! Ya Allah! I am ever in your need!
It occurs to me to write to her. Say "Hi Hunnybun [a term of endearment as I shall not name her]! How are you? How's life?" and maybe she might respond, or she may not? or I don't know [so many scenarios can be played in my fogged mind]!?
The "dreams" I had (in some part of my foggy -and mysterious- mind) were of companionship, spending an eternity with someone, growing old with someone, going through different stages of life, etc. were dreams I visioned my Hunnybun to be in! And from what I can see, none of those dreams, wishes, desires would ever turn into reality because Hunnybun is no more in my life. Or these dreams could take place with a different character?
Ruminating, denying and imagining a future (or distorting reality?) where me and Hunnybun are together and my "dreams" are being fulfilled! Is this love? Or is this delusion? Anyhow it seems to be providing a relief! But either way, it is also causing deeper psychological wound.
I wonder, if she feels this way too? or if she never looks back? Ah! I want to cry now, but don't have enough tears! Nor do I have any courage like her to harm myself physically so as to make even our scars!
These feelings seems so repetitive on an emotional level although I have come to terms with the mental and spiritual aspects of my loss. It seems to come and go. "Arrrrrgh" again! This is painful and tiring as it makes me not want to do anything and just lie down in deep sleep and never to be awoken!
I wish she could see and know how I feel for her, and do not expect anything in return. I wish she knew that I admired her beauty from the day I first saw her. I wish she knew how tormenting the same admiration has become for me now. I wish she knew the courage it took me to tell her "I love you!" and how disregarded I felt when she said she hated me or cooly said "me too!". I wish she could see how broken I felt and how damaged I already was due my own ignorance of my own life and how blind I was when I was dishonest about myself. I wish she knew how I secretly loved her to put her arm in mine, and at the same time felt fear as I did not believe in a "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationships but rather marriage, and marriage seemed to serious as well as complicated with issues of religion and culture at the time. I wish she knew how I would still shatter in fear for my heart loving her again if she came in front of me.
ARRRRRGGGHH! Ya Allah! Please make this pain go away! 🙁
JazakAllah, if you have taken the time to read or respond!
khiskisay
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Dear borther Feel sorry to hear how much pain and bad times ur going trough. I can understand how hard it is for u to go trough all this. But never forget all this is a test from allah. Insha allah evrything will be fine. I wil pray for u. May allah makes all ur hard time easier for u.and may allah help u forget her and bring peace in ur life and mind. Ameen.
Assalam alaikum,
The following is just my personal view--it need not be helpful, but if it is, I hope that it brings some peace, inn shaa Allah.
I had a chance to briefly read your previous post on this topic and see that the girl you have very strong feelings for was someone you were in a relationship with for 2010. Since then, you have sincerely continued to feel this way and you have also changed a lot.
It appears that in losing her, you found yourself. At the time, you didn't have the knowledge that you now have of Islam and since then you have changed a lot. Also, your sincerity in feelings to her has become your weakness--a point that shaitaan has picked up on.
Weaknesses are not just negative points in us, sometimes they are our strengths that get manipulated. The one who has managed to survive major sins often reflects and obsesses over their good deeds--The one who is sincere, has their sincerity shifted towards something else, distracting them from Allah swt--The one who is known for their good character starts to look forward to compliments from others rather than reward from Allah swt---in all these, the strengths of a person become distorted and rather are turned into weakness.
You are sincere and your feelings are real and you expect nothing in return from this girl. But your sincerity towards Allah swt is battling with your sincerity towards this girl. You expect nothing in return from this girl, but at the same time, hidden in your "no expectation" is the wish that the girl had knowledge of your admiration, torment and all the feelings that you had. This all means: YOU are human.
You should know that:
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Ibn Taymiyyah writes
So, being human hurts. We are fools--we think our strengths make us strong--but it is our weaknesses that make us stronger. So, whatever you are experiencing whatever you are going through--it is bringing you closer to who you should be, you found yourself because you were lost, not because you were already found. It is okay to hurt. But, this is a time to recognize who you are, what your purpose is and then turn towards your Creator. Allah swt has a plan for you. Rather than living in the dream world that you have, the pain is there to "pinch" you back into reality and help you. Of course, it is easy for me to say that to you-even if I have experienced pain as well--pain is a strange thing. Even if we know that someone else has experienced it, still, in the moment, when we feel it, it consumes us. All I can say to you is that pain, especially emotional pain, isn't meant to make you stuck in the moment, it is meant to be the ladder out that hole you have fallen into. Climb back out. This world isn't the world we were made for -- so start preparing for the real world inn shaa Allah, one moment, one day at a time you will make it through.
May Allah swt give you the strength that you need right now and help you to realize your greater purpose, Ameen.
JazakAllah'u Khair for your insightful comment. It has been very helpful in bringing some clarity to my affairs.
You see, I had forgotten most of my past, moved on and put an end to this chapter of my life. This bitter feeling only came after I saw the dream that resulted in my memories being refreshed again. For a moment, I forgot my real purpose and felt lost again. Thank you for this beautiful reminder. I would always read this if those memories come back again to remind myself.
I am happy that it helped you. Please remember me in du'as.
Let pain and bitterness serve a purpose in your life, to bring you closer to the line of your correct path. Inn shaa Allah, this is all temporary and He Knows best what is for us. This life always seems to revolve around wanting and attaining--but they are all distractions. Just imagine what they are distracting us from....Remember, the distraction has to be real good in order for us to forget our real purpose and real destination.
JazakhuAllah khair sister Saba, what a beautiful reply MashAllah.
JazakAllah, Please remember me in your du'as.
Dear Brother
I wish to add something to the beautiful answer given by Saba.
The real matter with ourselves is that we dream from our young age of spending an eternity with some special loved one. All of our poems and literature has sprung from that fantasy. In reality this fantasy may or may not convert to reality. Some people have to sacrifice their romantic love in this world and even in the next world too. Some people are lucky enough to attain their romantic love in both of these worlds.
Islam gives us another dream or goal to live with and that is to spend all your life in this world and also in the next world not with some special person but by following laws of Allah and expecting to be with Allah only in the next world.
The romantic love is but only a small stream as compared to the ocean of love of Allah. So loosing it in this world or next world may be tragic but not comparable with the loss of love of Allah.
So it is wise to live one's life with a sensible fantasy.