Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Troubled by past relationship.

One should come to term with one's past to live a happy present and future


I need some help, advice and all your generous duas for my situation. Before I share my story, I would like to say that please don't misunderstand me, I haven't been involved in anything that could be deemed as majorly haraam. Although, what I've gotten into does feel like a mountain has been placed upon me.

Some time ago (in late 2010), I was in love with a girl (well! I still do love her) and we were deeply and emotionally attached with each other. This is the first time that I've felt such strong and intense emotion for someone. I admit that I have been stupid and naive when I was with her and I was dishonest with her about myself when there really was no reason to be. I could go on to make justifications for my dishonest behaviour; however, the bottom line of my lies was rooted in my own low self-esteem, unawareness about Allah and inadequate knowledge of Islam. One day, she broke all communications and contact with me, which left me devastated to the point where I was literally standing at the edge of a high rise building and began to contemplate suicide. But Alhamdulillah, Allah has His ways of saving and guiding people and I went on to take professional psychiatric help instead because, well! I didn't really have the courage to jump nor did I want to do something so drastic as to take my own life, I know it's a straight ticket to hell.

I would like to mention that this girl is not a Muslim. I know and understand the challenges that would arise had we been together, especially related to religion and family. Even though I know and understand that she's not a believer; that she's a polytheist and I can't marry someone who doesn't share the core belief of believing in one God, Allah. Knowing all of that still doesn't seem to reduce my love for her. Contrarily, I feel like making dua for her guidance. I don't understand why I'm making dua for Allah to guide someone who has become a cause (and it's not that I blame her) for my agony.

Now, even though our ways have parted, I still seem to have feelings for her and I've been caught in a mix of emotion, where one part of me insists to forget her and another still wants to care for her despite all pain or suffering. I would think that this chapter of my life has ended and that it's all "over". But in reality, I haven't had any closure. I don't know if it was my stupidity which drove her away from me, or if there was something else. I have made sincere repentance to Allah and also apologized to her (by writing an email) for what I've said and done which seemed to have provided momentary relief. I know my faults and I'm taking the necessary actions to correct myself.

My parents and other people ask me about marriage and I deny them saying that I don't want to get married. The truth is that I feel hurt and heart-broken over what has happened and they are not aware of how I feel nor is anyone else, except Allah. I do not blame nor hold anyone responsible for how I feel. I think and also feel that it would be unfair for me to be with someone when I know that I'm feeling this way. After all, why would anyone want to be with a person that cannot fully reciprocate nor appreciate the love and affection that they are genuinely giving? I know that I wouldn't. However, let's assume for argument sake that there is someone who doesn't mind that their love is not being reciprocated or appreciated, how would that make me any good?

Alhamdulillah, after all what has happened with me, I really don't want to marry anyone and I don't mind being alone by myself as long as it may take me to get rid of these feelings. I don't mean to disobey what Allah and His messenger (PBUH) has encouraged for us in Islam of marriage and I don't deny that I have desires, I know for a fact that I do. But, how could I be with someone feeling the way that I do? It simply seems unfair, unjust and only selfish on my part.

Whenever I think about love, intimacy or being in a relationship, I seem to breakdown. I don't seem to have let go. I can't seem to do anything and feel like I'm a cold-hearted, stubborn and a selfish person. I feel like I'm distrusting Allah of what He has decreed. I feel like I'm denying the blessings which Allah is so generously giving and I know that I can't deny even the smallest of blessing that Allah gives. I've often been advised to have patience, that time (rather, Allah) would heal your wounds, but I don't think that sitting and looking at the clock, waiting for time to pass while you're getting on with your daily chores is helping to remove or change these feelings that seem to be so ingrained in the depths of my heart. Furthermore, the thought of all of us being brought back to Allah on the Day of Judgment, and if she's brought in front of me, makes me die before I actually do. How can I change the way I feel about this girl? What can I do?

Please I need advice on how I could move on,

JazakAllah Khair,


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10 Responses »

  1. WalaikumAssalam,

    I have a question first, did u ask this girl to revert to Islam while you were with her? If you did ask her and she denied then I am sure you know the answer. It is just not possible to have a relation with someone who isnt of the same religion. Think of the complication it would cause your children and the hurt and pain it will cause your parents. Even right now as your're denying getting married, even this aspect must be causing your parents a lot of pain. I am sure that it will be really hard to forget her and every time u think of moving on memories of her will drag u down. There is a saying that, time doesnt actually heal things you have to heal them yourself. You will need to work on yourself on a daily basis and try to wipe out the memories. Is there any way that this girl will now want to revert to Islam? If there is then there is nothing better if she changes herself. If not then, as difficult as it may seem, you will need to move on with life.
    Also what you are saying is correct. You must first be ready to move on mentally. The other girl who comes into your life should be a new leaf and new beginning for you and you have to be there mentally present. It is important that you try your best to overcome any memory of this girl if you do plan to move on. Inshallah I hope that Allah makes this easy for you. I also have one advice that before going into a relationship consider all aspects and even consider what future lies in the relationship. It is not pleasant for both the girl and the guy to go through such experiences. I hope you overcome this obstacle with the help and guidance of Allah

    • @Samia: Unfortunately, I did not have the chance to reveal to her my real self let alone speak anything about Islam. I did not know who I was, I did not have much knowledge about Islam and I had no credibility to speak about Allah at the time. I was in blind belief myself, following and believing in that which my parents followed and she is no different. Alhamdulillah, today I can say with some clarity, understanding and firm belief that there is no God except Allah and Muhammad (PBUH) is His Last Messenger. I wish I had the chance to show her who I am now and if she were to walk away from me, I would not shed a tear, for my heart would accept her rejection and let her go. But she does not know who I am now and she probably will never see the real me or how much my heart ached for her and loved her. Atleast Allah knows and that is enough for me. I really appreciate your advice and support. It was very reassuring! πŸ™‚

  2. Khiskisay: "Some time ago (in late 2010), I was in love with a girl (well! I still do love her) and we were deeply and emotionally attached with each other....... I was dishonest with her about myself when there really was no reason to be.....I would like to mention that this girl is not a Muslim."

    There are many single/divorced Muslim sisters looking for men. Just marry a Muslim girl and your feelings for that non-Muslim girls will go away.

    • @SVS: Easy said than done! Yes, unfortunately there are many divorced and not-yet-married muslim sisters. No offense intended but, I think you fail to recognize my emotion here and the seriousness of the psychological aspect to this situation. It is not that simple, it could in fact be more damaging. In my personal opinion, getting into another relationship after one has ended is not a wise choice but a foolish one, unless that person never really loved or cared. It would be highly assumptive to think that by marrying, the feelings you have had for someone previously would simply vanish. What would you do if it did not work? You would have ruined not one, but two lives, plus families. In doing so, I feel that would make the girl I would marry a "rebound girl" and my former love as someone with whom I had a mere "whimsical desire". I would and have chosen to grieve in order to relieve my heart from the pain and love I felt for her. Not-yet-married and divorced muslim sisters are not there to turn to when you fail in a relationship nor to relieve the feelings of former love. How can you experience loss and love at the same time? I would like to get married someday to a muslim sister, but for the right reason, which is, to complete ones deen, to follow the way of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), increase the number of muslim ummah πŸ˜‰ and ultimately obey Allah. πŸ™‚

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    The whirlwind of emotions you felt with this girl may have been intoxicating and like love is in the movies, but that isn't true love. True love is built within a marriage, through years of shared experiences, trust and communication. Films and stories are filled with the "grand passion" of lust and "falling in love", but what viewers need to remember is that unlike these stories, real life doesn't stop at the "and they lived happily ever after" once the hero and heroine are married - in reality, husband and wife then have to build a life together. Marriage is the beginning of a couple's love story, not the end.

    In time, your heart will heal, inshaAllah, and you will reach a point where you feel able to consider marriage. When this happens, remember the lessons you have learned here, and look for a girl who is Muslim, with whom you can be honest, and with whom you feel you could build a stable and supportive life. You may not necessarily feel the "rush" that you felt with this girl in your past, but once you are married and in a halal relationship, you can start to build a stable, secure love that will be far more long-lasting, inshaAllah.

    There's no rush to get married, and no sin in taking time to repent and recover from what has happened - you have been through a lot emotionally. If people are trying to pressure you into marriage, maybe explain to them that you need to focus on your own health and life at the moment, and you will consider marriage at a later date, inshaAllah.

    May Allah grant you a loving Muslim wife who will support you and be by your side in this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • @Midnightmoon: Yes, I do believe that happily ever after only exists in Jannah. I may not necessarily agree with what you call as "true love". Yes, what you mention would definately be "halal" love and you could equate that to being "true" love. For all I know, my heart truely loved this girl. If Allah were to question my heart... my heart would be shaken by Allah's question and would tearfully answer 'Yes, I loved and desired her very much and at a point in time, even more than You. But You guided me to what is right and I am a sinner'. I am afraid, I might not have the heart to see marriage as a love story anymore, rather I see it as a commandment. Perhaps, Allah will revive the romance in me at a later time. πŸ˜‰ Alhamdulillah! My parents are understanding although they do not know yet and I don't wish to bother them with this. πŸ™‚

  4. Salam,

    All in good time brother. It indeed feels like a mountain over ones' head that you cannot shake off.
    Diverting attention works only so well. But, Allah's love is the only truth,
    Its hard, its tough, seems impossible to fill your heart with anything else but with emotions for that girl.

    Of course the one and only, Salah. Pray it on time, slow, take your time understanding and pronouncing Surah Al Fatihah and the following Surah properly, know that Allah is watching you, and is aware of your every move.

    But it does also help to get out, be around people, study together, work, gym etc.

    Know this, nothing good comes out of illegitimate relationships, least of all with non-muslims who show/have no regard for the true religion. Hence, not a shock if the relationship ended the way it did.

    Also know, and embed this in your mind, you are an amazing creation of Allah, not to be taken for granted and not to be dealt such grievances. Every muslim is special and powerful, for he has the support of Islam with him, if fellow human beings fail you, Allah will not In sha Allah. Be great full he took you out of your haram relationship. Count you blessings.

    So be content you have food, water, clothes, education etc. Count your blessings, cherish them. Do not be ungrateful by being depressed over a relationship.

    Yes i speak from what i have seen myself, hence i am aware.

    Hope that helps.

    • @Wulk: It may be that a person sins and he enters paradise for it, and it could also be that a person does good and he may fall into hell. When it was asked as to how this was possible, it was said (or what was meant that) a person sins and repents for it and Allah is pleased and enters him to paradise, or it may be that a person does good and then becomes ungrateful or arrogant and thereby falls into hell. (I don't remember the exact book or hadith number, but I am pretty sure it is in the Sahih Sitta). The reason I am saying this is because I would not have understood Islam as I do today, had I not fallen into an "illegitimate relationship". Isn't that surprising? πŸ™‚ That is definitely not to say that people should go about falling into illegitimate relationships. Alhamdulillah, for all what Allah has given us, Allah is the best of guides and this has been my route so far. πŸ™‚

  5. Assalamwalaikum to all,
    I really appreciate all your duas, advice and support. ^_^

    I do apologize for my late response. It had been long since I had written this post, but it was not published until early 2014 and so I lost hope to get any response. In my reminiscence of the girl I first loved (and still do), I felt like checking this post once again and am really glad to see these responses. πŸ™‚

    As of today, I have come to terms and accept what I have done. May Allah forgive myself and her, Ameen. Even after so much time has passed by and even though me and her are literally 7 seas apart, I still miss and love her which is why it crossed my mind to check this post again. However, I see the as past as a blessing rather than a burden. If this girl were to come in front of me even today, I would fall in love with her just the way I first did and that's okay!

    Every heart is between two of the Fingers of the Most Beneficent (Allah), Lord of all that exists, if He wills, He makes it straight, and if He wills, He makes it stray.

    Ya Allah! Keep my heart firm on Your religion, Ameen! πŸ™‚

  6. Give yourself the time you need to heal from this relationship. You do not need to get married and until you are ready. Marriage is a big step so do not hurry yourself or let yourself be pressured by parents. You will know in your heart when you are ready to meet someone for marriage. Let yourself heal from the pain and memories you have of this girl. Marriage should be about finding someone you want to share your life with and it should not be pushed. It is not so simple and not just economic but finding a partner for your life. Let Allah guide you and maybe its time to be close to Allah now. There is no need to rush in to another marriage when you need to just hurt and cry and heal from this past girl. Give yourself the time you need and get closer to your creator. May Allah bless you and guide you in wisdom.

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