Trying to leave my violent husband but the guilt is stopping me
the cycle of violence
Hello
First I want to say that I appreciate any advice anyone has for me. I am a 27 year old woman living in the Unites states. I have been married to my husband for 10 years and we have 3 amazing sons Hamdillah. My husband is verbally abusive and angry all the time. He has physically abused me and it happens about once a month. We have been divorced once before because he was not faithful to me but I went back to him because he begged for forgiveness. Everyone is shocked by the fact that I am still with him but here is my dilemma.
We fell in love at a very young age. I was married before him to a very abusive man and he beat me constantly until I miscarried twins. I met my present husband shortly after I got divorced from my ex. Because of the things I went through I became very defensive. I have been this way since then. I am not a perfect woman I have my bad habits that I am trying to break for my benefit and for my children. I am a stay at home mom and always make sure my husband and kids needs are always met. My husband has qualities in a man that other women would only dream of: he trusts me with everything but it is to the point where I want boundaries. He is very generous, he has helped my parents financially and they have shown little appreciation. I never asked him to help anybody, this was out of the goodness of his heart but then he throws it back in my face.
We have been arguing and constantly fighting for the past 5 years straight. He also sits on a online game called world of warcraft as soon as he gets off work. About a year ago we moved in with his teenage brothers because their mother went off and got married and left them. Then my parents got evicted and moved in with us also so the whole family was fighting constantly. All the pressure was on him, all the bills. Nobody ever offered to help. Now my parents moved out in January and his abusive behavior got worse.
We get intimate maybe once a month. 4 months ago he beat me so hard in front of his brothers and chocked me to the point where I couldn't breathe. I woke up the next day, grabbed my kids and moved out. He moved in with me 2 weeks later. Things were very intense all the time. He would spend all day after work on his game and when we did sit together there was absolutely nothing to talk about, anything I ever had to say would not interest him and he made that very clear to me. On the weekends all we did is fight. He's always asked me not to talk back and not to get loud and when I moved out I made that promise to myself to change and even when I didn't talk back he would start verbally abusing me and pushing my buttons so hard and it would take all my strength for me to get in my car and drive off in the middle of the night to avoid getting hit.
A month ago we had an argument and he packed his stuff and left. Said he was going to stay with his brothers until we work things out. He is angry all the time. he comes over to eat and see the kids but avoids me. Then he tells me he loves me and the next day he hates me. Then he says he needs me to change and submit to him because he knows better than me. He refuses to go anywhere with me because he wants to sit on his online game. He doesn't compliment me unless he wants to get intimate, doesn't notice or appreciate anything I do for him. He always says I am stupid for not having good common sense and other things so horrible that would not be appropriate to post on here to me and towards my family.
My point is he goes back and fourth and I am sick and tired. I am emotionally numb and very exhausted. My parents left the state and I thought he would at least try to come home or something, anything! then he calls me and tells me he would die without me. Recently I found out he has been hiding something from me when I figured out he was meeting with a man to work on some things and he says that it is none of my busyness and that I would never find out.
I honestly don't think there should be anything kept secret in a marriage. I hope I didn't confuse anyone like I am. Please keep in mind that I tried communication. He doesn't let me talk. counseling is not an option for him he is very stubborn and has a strong personality and was raised to believe pride is everything. We are still separated and it is not affecting him. I still love him but at the breaking point to where I need to do what is best for me and my children.
Basically if he doesn't stop and change his ways I want a divorce but the guilt trip is stopping me. PLEASE HELP ME!
- Aidan
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Salam, sister
Guilt ? What do you have to feel guilty about ? He's the one who's violent, beats you and humiliates you. He's the one who won't stop hurting you, who's neglecting you. He's the one who should be feeling guilty. And even if he is feeling guilty now and says he can't live without you, he is never ever ever going to change. How can you love a person like that ? I don't care how many qualities he has, you deserve to be in a harmonious, loving and peaceful marriage, and if you can't have that, you're so much better off alone.
Don't wait for him to "stop and change his ways" : that's never going to happen. Please open your eyes and stop fooling yourself: you deserve better than this.
May Allah help you do what's right inshaAllah.
I'm praying for you
Wafa.
Assalamu alaikum Sister,
I agree with angelmr. You have nothing to feel guilty about. This is a cycle that will not be broken. Your husband will continue to abuse you over and over again. Then when he wants to get intimate his attitude will change temporarily.
You are only 27 years old. Think to yourself, do I really want to go through this torture for the rest of my life? Another thing you need to think about is your children. How do you think the abuse will impact them? This is not healthy.
The other thing that I am concerned about is that this is not the first abusive marriage you have been in. After the first abusive marriage why would you stay in a second? What type of man are you attracted to? You don't say how long you were married to the first man but you have been in abusive marriages for at least 11 years. Again, your only 27 years old. Will you decide to move on after he puts you in a hospital? This man choked you in front of his brother's. The next time he could kill you.
Please sister think about what you want for the remainder of your life. What type of environment do you want your boy's to grow up in. Another thing to think about is your sons seeing their father abusing you may make them think that this is normal behavior. When it's time for them to get married they may do the same to their wives.
Please sister, you need to get out of this as soon as possible. Because you are living in the states you know that there are resources for you if you need help. You should never stay in an abusive marriage. I'm not going to tell you it will be easy for you to move on. It may be very difficult but you have to find the strength to do so.
If you have additional questions please don't hesitate to write back to this forum. Again, if you need help there are abuse hotlines and organizations where you can get assistance.
Your brother in Islam
Abdul Wali Carter
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamualaikum
It seems your husband is addicted to online gaming which seems to be the cause of these problems
salam o alaikum sister...
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.I pray that this message finds you in a state of peace.
Those who have suffered abuse often blame themselves, seeking to find some explanation for the abuser's behavior.They simply get confuse.Please understand this clearly,You are not at fault for what happened.....Noone has right in light of islam to abuse anyone..any kind of abuse be it verbally,emotionally,physically or sexually.All this comes under domestic violence and maltreatment...which one needs to understand.Your husband has voilated his rights towards you...he will never ever change...he will keep on abusing u ...n den will say he loves u n can do nything for u....he is just playing with ur life.
one thing which i would like to tell u is that he is suffering from mental disorder...SCHIZOPHRENIA..u can search about its symptoms on internet or even ask from a physchiatrist....when u will search...u will find numerous stories about these kind of person..and will b astonished to see that anyone who accidently get married to such kind of mentally upset person end up their relationship ONLY through divorce.
PLZZZ dont ruin rest of ur life instead stand up for urself n for ur children.
just leave him...he doesnt deserve u...
n do reply or post on my comment if u agree wid me ....
Salaam My Sister,
Most of what I would say has been covered, and so now I am going to speak to you about the guilt that you are feeling.
You are showing the classic characteristics and interpretations that abused women show: which is sympathy for their abuser and feelings that he needs help, and that you can somehow help him. This is a survival instinct that is triggers in abused people. What you have been through is a series of negative emotions: fear, distress, and now guilt. What you must do is use a different language to describe the psychology of your situation.
Here is a new perspective, say the sentences out loud:
Fear is a negative feeling that makes me feel bad, fear is the result of abuse. The fear is a set of shackles binding me to this type of life.
Distress is a negative feeling that makes me feel bad, and distress is the result of abuse that I have been feeling. The distress is a set of shackles that is binding me to this type of life.
Guilt is a negative feeling that makes me feel bad, and guilt is the result of abuse. The guilt is a set of shackles binding me to this type of life.
These negative feelings are the last barrier between you and freedom and so you need to re-label them for what they are: shackles of negativity binding you to miserable life. Once you identify and label these feeling in this way, and see them as symptoms and side-effects of abuse, you should be able to operate successfully in spite of them and see this process as removing shackles, binding you like a prisoner to this life you are trying to escape.
You know the correct action to take, and you know what you need to do and what is the right thing.
The skill of life, the skill of every aspect of life, is to be able to operate according to the right path in spite of whatever is going on, and in spite of the difficult emotions that we are faced with. We must develop the ability to operate outside of emotions that lead us astray from what we know is right. The person who is gripped by fear, must develop the ability to protect themselves in spite of the fear, and be able to operate in the midst of overriding emotions. The fearful fire fighter, must still walk into the burning house to rescue the child, the swimmer who is afraid of the sea must still jump into to rescue the one who is drowning, and the mother who feels guilty about sending her drug addict son to rehab, must still send him there - because we must all operate outside of our emotions and identify right from wrong in spite of them.
You must now operate independently of your guilt and do what you know is right, and take action in spite of it. This is what is best for you and this is the action that will reward you the most.
InshaAllah, my sister, you will make it.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
I cant believe u are living in US and letting this happen, just one word..Divorce..
Hello Aidan.
I'm very sorry about your situation. Irregardless of what anyone tells you, only you know what you need to do. It seems you have already tried many times over to make it work with this man. I am sure you also considering your children. I think you know in your heart that you need this marriage to be done once & for all, but you are looking for the strength and the ok to do it.
After a situation, there is a period of calm & you begin to believe this may be the last time. But it's not. If this is his nature, there will always be a new trigger. Your husband plays a guilt trip on you. You believe he feels like you do so you feel sorry for him & want to help. I am sure he loves you-in his own messed up way- but I do not believe he carries loves the same way you do. He is manipulative, angry, controlling & abusive. Many of these types of men are narcissistic as well. He is the abuser yet he looks to you for forgiveness which makes you believe you are the one in control. So take the reins & be in control. Be done. Your husband already left the marriage years ago when he started abusing you. You are young. Your children are young. The best thing you can do for all of you is to get yourself out of this situation. If not for yourself, then for your kids. They will learn this behavior. When they get older they will swear to not be the same but they will do what they know.
My exhusband was nearly the same as you describe. They could be twins. Only difference was my husband would not leave the house -so in that regard consider yourself lucky. I sought out counselling from a local organization. It was the best thing I could have done. I felt awkward at first but I now feel it was my lifeline. Combined marriage counselling does not usually work when the man is like you describe but Individual counselling will help you immensely & I hope you seek it. It will help you even if you decide to stay in the marriage. They will help you deal with individual situations & problems -not just by telling you to leave, but they will actually work within your abilities.
Btw- as for my husband & you may want to see about yours --while playing his games, he chatted & used voip (headset). He played more & more. I thought the game playing was making him a bigger jerk. After we FINALLY split, I found out that he was involved in an online romance with another player. He actually began a relationship with her shortly after. Yours sounds similar. Protect yourself & your kids.
It sounds like he is getting ready to make a final break. Aidan, if he does, please just let him go.
Peace to you.
Jenn
Oh my Jenn! mine used the headset too! and I noticed there were females playing...It doesn't matter anymore I left him and we just divorced on Sunday. I am miserable thinking where did I go wrong to be divorced many times.??
All the reading telling me one thing that none of the people have correct knowledge in Tauhid and Aqidah. May Allah protect me from all the evil.
Assalamu alaikum,
Your username says "just advice". Are you a Shaikh? So far you have given no advice at all. All you have done is accuse people of not having correct knowledge of tauhid and aqidah.
If you have the answer then explain tauhid and aqidah. Help the people who have written to this website understand how tauhid and aqidah will help them with their problem. Don't just quote from Quran and sunnah without telling how they can apply it to their situation.
You have chosen to come to this site for what???? No one here has said that they are scholars. We are only trying to give practical advise. No one is making Fatawa. We leave that to the scholars. If there is a question that cannot be answered then again is should be taken to the scholars.
If you can't do that then you should find another site where the ignorant like to debate.
Salaam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i see a chip on someone's shoulder!
I agree with the sister. He seems to have a narcisstic personality disorder, blaming others for his
own mistakes in order not to deal with his own shortcomings. Maybe he feels overchallengend,
you mentioned that he had to pay all the bills when your parents and his brothers moved in.
Helping and assisting family members is important , but there have to be boundaries-
you and your husband need your own private home and your intimacy. Getting intimate once
a month would be a reason for divorce( I suppose...) , I thought it should be at least once a week.
He shouldn't neglect that. And in terms of Internet etc I really love surfing on the Internet, but some
people can't withstand the temptation- then they do either chat in facebook or myspace or they
do useless things- maybe you could have a kind of blocking for special sites......
So allowing family members to live with you is always problematic, interference guaranteed......
Domestic violence can never be justified, never. Under any circumstances.
If you want to salvage your marriage, nevertheless, you could consult a family counsellor, but
in that situation, it would be better to leave him.
Jazakallah
divorce him (tel you why )
i hope the children don't be there to witness the violence if they do i am really sorry to say your husband is never going to change if he can't control himself when his 3 children are there do you think he gonna control himself when it's just the both of you.
hello everyone
Thank you so much for all your comments. I took some time since I sent this over a month ago and i thought really hard. During that process I made a promise to myself for my children s sake and that was to leave if the violence ever occurred again. Sure enough, it did. So we divorced this past Sunday. I still feel some guilt but my bruises speak to me and tell me to stay strong. I feel a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. My boys are okay, they don't know about the divorce and i don't know how to tell them. I have been struggling financially but I know Allah has a plan for me. There is no way to help him, his violence will never end.I just couldn't take it anymore.....Again thank you for all the advice
Salam
Salam, Aidan
Alhamdulillah !
I really believe you did the right thing. Don't you worry about the future, for Allah will provide you and your children with everything you need inshaAllah. Be strong, have faith and be happy.
Oh, and most importantly stop feeling guilty. Wallahi, he's the bad guy in this story, not you.
I wish you the best of the best of luck.
Your sister in Islam
Wafa.
salam aiden...u took a right decision finally....dont u worry about past......dear its already GONE....let bygones be bygones... u n ur children hav survived dese humialiation with a lot of distress n pain..its finished by d grace of ALLAH swt...he will surely make a way for u...i was a test from ALLAH...HE will inshaallah reward u immensely..aameen...
ur sis sanaa
I am writing to thank Leyla: Her commetns are incredibly insightful and helpful. Could you metnon the source? Or are these your own original ideas? I am not a member of your faith; but just happened to chance upon this website;
i am in the same situation. we wedded in march this year(2012). my bigest challenge is that i live in africa and culturally and biblically am not justified to leave the marriage because of abuse. i am heart broken. my husband is a medical doctor and thinks he knows everything and when we argue he justifies resoting to violence becouse he is a man and i am a lady who should just say say yes to his behaviour. he is trying to silence me so that he will appear to be a good husband outside-to those who see us.
Hello,
I take it that you are Christian? There is nothing that says that Biblically you have to endure abuse. He is just using a book of religion to justify his abusive behavior to parlay his inability to control his own temper. If you let us know of where you are residing, we may to direct you to a NGO or UN organization that may be able to help you.
thank you professor x, actually this happened on sunday 3 june and now we at a silent treatment, none of us is toking to each other. i am 2 months pregnant, when i think of my child`s welfare after dirvoce i get worried so deeply. i live in zimbabwe and i am feeling lonely. i love visiting my sisters and friends but he doesnt like it.
Hello again.
We're all God's creations, so you are either my sister in faith or in humanity. However, you also need to be careful about using the internet if you fear that your husband may find out and abuse you. Here are is a website with some tips on being safe.
http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/
Try this contact in your country. There's email address and phone number to the right side. It's made up of women lawyers in your Zimbabwe that may be able to direct you to some aid.
http://www.escr-net.org/members/members_show.htm?doc_id=685545
http://www.zwla.co.zw/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=54&Itemid=84
Here is a vast list of organizations in Africa. Try looking under "women" or human rights categories.
http://www.kubatana.net/Html/sectors/sector_cont.asp?sector=ADV&details=Tel
If you are Catholic, perhaps you can reach out to this organization, as well. Down on the page are addresses to various churches.
http://www.zcbc.co.zw/ccjp.html