Which proposal is meant for me?
Hello,
I am usually struck with a lot of anxiety and depression, and it is very hard for me to get out of situations which cause such issues. I have been trying hard to get rid of them by devoting myself as a good Muslim, and thankfully it works at times, but when it doesn't I have made myself content and believe that faith is from Allah.
My issue is quite common, as many girls go through how to choose the right man for marriage. But because I am undergoing so much anxiety from this recent proposal, I have to get some help before I sulk in my misery.
Initially, I would try to find a good man for my own proposal, however I failed miserably and I realized I should leave this whole process to my parents and Allah who all would decide the good for me. Meanwhile, I tried to do more good deeds and pray regularly. Different proposals started to come in. One day a very religious proposal came in, however somewhere in my heart I was not so comfortable. Then I thought it is not so bad to be wed into a religious family, because I'll remain out of bad deeds.
Somehow simultaneously another proposal came up, and the first party automatically said that I didn't match their needs. So then the new proposal seemed a bit more promising- not so religious, but they seemed good. With our parents consent we both starting chatting. Initially, it seemed it was going good. I constantly did my Istekhara, and I felt a strong emotional link.
In between another proposal came up, and my anxiety levels rocketed sky high and doing normal home routines had become a task. I could not bear having another proposal in between. However, the boy's family wanted to see us in person as they are not in the same country as I am, and they asked for a few months time before they could travel and then give a final verdict. Now the problem has started that the guy has reduced his messaging, sending them only once in two days...or like now- I have not received a message at all in 3 days! Not that we were always indulging in messaging each other on a regular basis, but at least there was just small, decent chit chat to understand each other.
Looking at this whole situation, I am confused if this is some message from Allah that this is not right for me, or is it just a test? Because I never wanted to get involved emotionally with a guy all over again, and now I feel I am. Is it a test from God, or am I over thinking? What should I do? Should I wait for his message? What is the best thing to do in the light of Islam? And how long should I wait for them to come?
Thank you for help!
-dailylight
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بسم اله الرحمن الرحيم
الحمد لله رب العالمين
س
Salam
Marriage is only by the s-word. Women honored by honorable men honorable male guardian. In western culture there used to be jousting tournaments to receive the favor of a woman...later Italian men would jump porch balconies to see a woman. And they are still doing so today minus the porch or any exertion except for their need : not considering the vulnerabity of the lady or...
A medinan woman received three proposals of marriage at once so she went to the Profit of Islam to ask what she should do. He said as for abu Jahm he carries his stick above his shoulder meaning he beats women. As for muawittah he is a poor man. Marry usamam. So she did. That's a message from the Messenger most honorable looking out for a woman as his own daughter. و الحمد لله رب العالمين
Asalamoalaikum,
Speaking from experience, there are a few things you are doing that are wrong and therefore confusing you in making the right decision.
When a marriage proposal comes and your parents have allowed you to communicate with a man it is strictly for you to figure out compatibility. Often, people forget about asking the most important questions (e.g., religious beliefs, living accommodation, finances, personality characteristics, lifestyle) and get into this phase of “just talking”, as if we will gauge compatibility through irrelevant conversations. You need to get straight to these questions and don’t need to set a “friendly environment”. Once you’ve received the necessary information you need to make a sound decision and at this phase you do not need to speak to the guy. You can kindly inform your parents that you either feel a sense of connection or not and they can inform his family. These conversations won’t take days nor will they take hours.
When I was going through marriage proposals I came across one guy who wanted to get know me and then make a decision after six months of speaking to me. I was very hesitant and uncomfortable. Eventually I refused the proposal after speaking to him a few times since I wasn’t okay with his “getting to know you” style. I wasn’t okay speaking to a non-mahram man for this long with no guarantee that he may change his mind. If he was a mature individual, he’d be able to guage that I was suitable for him (or not) within the first few conversations and make his decision. Many a times women become emotionally invested and begin dreaming about this potential prospect they’re talking to, where as the man is not ready to commit, he is merely “getting to know you”. That is why this open ended process can be quite dangerous.
I highly suggest you write down the qualities you are looking for in a partner on a piece of paper and decide which prospect meets most of your criterion. Then do istikhara, consult with your parents and close family members and make a decision trusting that Allah swt will do what is best for you. Please do not try to over analyze the situation. I received many proposals at the same time and I’d get confused as well over thinking about why this guy came along when I’m already getting to know this other guy. It is just a process and you have to keep yourself grounded and focused by knowing what you are seeking in a partner.
-Helping Sister
Assalaamualaikam
It might help to view finding a partner as more of an active process, to give yourself more control over what's happening. As Helping Sister suggested, it might be a good idea to come up with a list of things you want in a partner (maybe sit down with your mother and do it together?) and then your parents can use this as a checklist to filter out proposals that aren't suitable.
When a proposal comes that could be a good match, make sure that all contact with the man and his family is in accordance with Islamic principles - so, no private correspondence, no 1:1 meetings with him, etc. It's reasonable to want to get to know a potential marriage partner, but make sure that if you do, it's Islamically appropriate! Find out about him by maybe having a couple of meetings between your family and his family, and your wali could have some conversations with him as well? But private messaging is a definite no-no.
I'd also advise setting a time-frame for a proposal to be considered and decisions made; as Helping Sister mentioned (MashaAllah sister), there can be quite a few problems when the process is open-ended and "getting to know each other" can become more casual and less focused. You could talk about it with your parents and establish a time-frame you all feel comfortable with (for example, if after 2 family meetings you and/or your wali aren't convinced that the man is a good candidate for marriage, you could agree to decline that proposal?) - that way you would inshaAllah be less likely to become emotionally involved?
Remember to pray istikhara as well. It might be useful to read the resources on this site, if you have any questions about istikhara.
May Allah guide you to what is best.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Asalamalaikam,
I also agree that it is important to know what it is that you want from a future partner as marriage is a lifetime commitment. It is also especially important to rise above simple chit chat and know what the person is like on a day to day basis, especially if he lives in another country.
Before I married my husband, I had a proposal from another via his sister and her husband. Mashallah his sis and husband were forthright about the man's weaknesses. I decided that before making any decision to marry, I would travel to the man's country and see him/his actions on his own turf so to speak.
His sisters stayed with me in one wing of the family home. I met his mother whom I very much liked, and he and I were able to have good conversations while chaperoned by others. I found him to be witty, intelligent, handsome, but a slacker. He never went to mosque or woke for fajar, he rarely rolled out of bed before noon, and though his BIL bought him a shop, it was often closed while he hung out with friends, and he was always asking others for money. When a man is approaching 30 years, this behavior is immature in my eyes. After weeks of visiting, I was able to realize that although we got along well, his lack of work ethic and deen would render us incompatible for the long haul. Therefore, I did not accept his proposal.
Some may say my approach was not done Islamically. However, I am glad I took the time to see his actions with my own eyes before I ended up with a husband I would have to raise like a child.
If you know what you are looking for, then you need to ask hard questions and really research who he is via your parents or other relatives. Don't worry about how many times a week he is chatting with you, worry about who he is when he is not chatting with you.