My wife never wanted to marry me and now she treats me poorly
Her emotional distance makes me unhappy
I feel my wife did not want to get married to me at all. It was because her family told her to. She has said many times that she's better looking than me.
Even the treatment I'm getting makes me feel this way. She seems to move away when I get close to her. She tries to start a fight over little things.
I just don't know what to do. I need more attention. I have told her but she doesn't listen.
- annas
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Salaam my brother,
I am sorry for the feelings of neglect and not-being-loved that you are feeling.
From the behaviours that you have described, it does sound as though she doesn't want to be with you. This could be for many reasons, of which not wanting to get married is only one of them.
She may be harbouring feelings that she feels that she cannot share with you. Women seek emotional closeness and friendship in order to feel love, and females have very close friendships due to their ability to completely honest emotionally.
I would recommend that you ask her how she feels and then listen to what she says without responding negatively such as with anger, threats, tears or some other negative quality. Start with a phrase like "I feel that you are distant from me, can you talk to me about what is going on here?". Let her know that she can be honest with you. After she is finished talking, you should be able to identify what her problem is. If anything does not make sense to you - ask her to clarify it. If you feel that she is being unjust, then ask her for evidence. Even if you disagree with her evidence: take some time to absorb it and do not respond in anger when you seek explanation. Once you have identified what her problems are - walk away: and think. Think about your own emotions and wait until any harsh feelings have calmed down and you are thinking clearly. Once you have finished your thinking time, and you have absorbed everything and understood it and decided what your response will be, (without anger, fear or aggression) then you can decide on whether the problem between you is one that can be solved, or one that cannot be solved.
If the problem is one that can be solved - such as a miscommunication (i.e: she takes some of your actions in the wrong way / you take her actions in the wrong way) or discontent (such as you never have fun any more) then you can try to solve it.
If the problem is not one that can be solved - such as "I never wanted to marry you and I still don't and I never will" - then part in peace between you.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Salamu Aleikum Brother,
First I'd like to tell you that I can understand very well how you feel and that it hurts you . I only
agree with Leyla on a few points she made. Physical appearance is something that you see
before the marriage, ok, the spouse may lose some hair, gain weight or have an accident
that he survives with a face full of scars, but normally you don't marry someone whose looks
you don't like-unless you have a mental problem. I'm a woman , too, and although we need emotional
closeness and caring words, it doesn't mean that we can behave the way we want and men have
to tolerate everything we do. You should talk to her about her feelings and not start a fight for everything
will be worse, but at the same time she doesn't have the right to humiliate you. Offending looks is
insensitive and ruthless and it may lead to a low self-confidence and severe psychological problems.
Maybe you don't look after yourself the way you did before, maybe you neglected fitness, but that's not
a reason to go and offend people. You can address that in a sensitive way. So try to ask her about
her feelings and emotions and at the end of the day, you can divorce her. But still: I don't understand
certain people.
Secondly: I do believe, from a female perspective, that your wife has a low self-esteem. Why does she
have to attack your looks? if she is more beautiful, she knows it herself and doesn't have to say it. People
who bully others and insult other people's looks are highly frustrated, unhappy with themselves and need
to change their priorities. Try to make her understand that the true beauty of a human being lies in akhlagh.
Women tend to be superficial and think the world revolves around them. Maybe her confidence is so low
that she needs the attraction and confirmation of other men in order to feel precious and worthy. I think
that your wife has a mental disorder. But you have the right to go , for if someone treats you like that,
you have deserved someone better.
hi thanks for the replies.
the thing is, i always ask her peacefully why is she keeping distance.
she denies everything. she reckons she is doing all that she can to keep me happy
and to be honest, I have monitored this to see if I might be wrong. at least 2 weeks go by and she doesnt come near me.
whenever i try to discuss it with her, its all back to square 1 like above. she says "i am doing my hardest to keep you happy. i always touch you. i always come near you"
then again i tell her that she doesnt then back to square 1.
the only thing is, if we divorce, i cant live for a second without my children and they cant too.
i just feel as though let her do what she wants and just accept that shes never gonna change and just be together for the sake of children.
it is a good idea to stay with her just for the sake of your children. that is good, buts he should know that you have rights to alot of things. first before getting married men and women both should know the basic rights of husband and wife. it is really common in people to have these kinds of issues. actually when i got married 9 years ago i had the same problem, with my husband. i didn't want to live with him, and i didn't like him, i hated it when he came near me, i just want to smack his face. i guess that was because i didn't know anythings about marital rights and how to treat my spouse, i was not thought that either. So i decided to give him khula just because, i wasn't in love with him. but my khula didn't get processed they where wasting so much time, so i thought to give my husband a chance, after praying a lot to ALLAH. So after a year i decided to move in with him again. and I have not hated him since then. I love him more then my life, I am ready to sacrifice my life for him. I changed myself, because I wanted to live with my husband, even if I don't wanted to then but now I do.
we also had some cultural differences. so i felt that my life was going downhill more then upwards. but now he is way better then me and there is not cultural difference. i should of have given him time then and stood by him. who knows if ALLAH would of done all good things for me then. I guess I am being punished by ALLAH for misstreating my husband in the beginning, because we are trying to have kids and we don't have any since 9 years of practice. but alhamdulliah i have given my full permission to my husband to get married so he can fulfill his wishes, inshALLAH.
Dear brother I pray that ALLAH gives you more patients and gives your wife a heart and soul to love and understand you, if not you have 100 percent right to marry one more wife, only if you can afford her and treat both wives equally.Who knows after you marry someone else your wife will love you more and understand her mistake. sometimes us women learn the hard way.
May ALLAH bless you and your family ameen.
Anna
Masha allah Brother, you are such a compassionate and endlessly patient person. But too much is too
much. For you own psychological well-being, you need a partner who loves you and treats you
with respect. You are a Muslim family father, you can keep and raise the children. You have authority over the
children, that won't stop after the divorce. The way
you described her, I think it's better for you and for the sake of your children.
Good luck
The post is old before i got married.
F. Imran, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor