Will I be punished if I don’t marry?
Salaam, this is my first time writing on here, I am stressed about whether I should look out for a Muslim man to get married or not?
I am 30 yrs old, divorced and have a wonderful son; he is around 8 years old. Since last year my friends and family members have been asking me to get married. I did speak to few men, however they all turned out to be liars, cheaters etc. All of this conversation with guys has made me feel a sad person because of the attitudes all men seem to have in general about having relationship (sex, gf/bf) before marriage etc.
I feel that if I don't speak to guys or in other words don't look out for a husband in life I would be better off. However, I am worried - will Allah be happy with me if I don't marry?
- tawaqul
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Salaams,
Getting married is a personal choice. Marriage is a sunnah and described as "half the deen" Islamically, so certainly there are people who pursue it -though they may not be personally inclined to it- because they wish to please Allah alone. Those types of decisions should be made with sincerity and pure conviction, and no one can tell you to do or not do it for those reasons...it has to come from within.
Other than marrying fisah-billah, I personally think that if you don't want to marry again, you shouldn't. Whatever your friends or others think of your choices in life is irrelevant; you have to choose the path that means the most to you and no one else. I especially feel that since you have a child already from a previous marriage, you can't be too cautious about involving another man in your life because it will affect your son.
There are women who have divorced and can't stand being alone, and try to find another husband as soon as they can. You have a freedom in this where others don't, so don't feel ashamed of it! Chances are that you may one day meet someone you really feel comfortable with, and will consider marriage once again; and it will feel right to you at that time. Until then, don't let your friends or their relatives stress you out. Politely tell them to mind their own business, and enjoy this time you have to focus on your life with your son and growning as a Muslimah.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam Amy,
this is a very basic question and perhaps not a forum to ask but if you can briefly explain what is meant by marriage is ' half our deen'. I always hear it people say this at marriage related talks but never understood it.
people who are not married are they missing on half the deen.what if they never got married. is it about the responsibilities that come with marriage and delivery of rights?
i understand when they say 'cleanliness' is half the deen but not this.
jazakallah khair.
Salaams,
I'm afraid I won't have a scholarly answer to that one, and to be honest I never really thought about it since my deen came after my most recent marriage.
But if I were going to answer based on personal experience, I would have to say that I imagine it means that being married gives a plethora of opportunities for one to work on their character and follow additional sunnahs of the Prophet SAWS, and perhaps those are not as readily available to single folks. Being married is challenging in ways that no one can imagine unless they've done it; but at the same time it is also infinitely rewarding. Those challenges can shape someone into becoming more humble, compassionate, mannerly, and conscientious in the most consistent of ways, since marriage is a 24/7 affair. Some folks have even said that self discipline doesn't even really start until one marries, lol.
Again, that's just my personal answer. I think it's a great question, so hopefully others will have a more educational response as well.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamu alaikum,
The Prophet Muhammad SAW advised us to guard the tongue and the private parts. By getting married, the spouses are like a garment protecting one another from the act of zina and the gaze is lowered. Also in a blessed marriage, the spouses support each other in maintaining prayers and provide companionship in the journey of life, encouraging one another to righteousness, which can be more difficult to achieve alone. Hence marriage is completing one half of deen as it helps to avoid major sins.
Unfortunately there are many cases where marriage doesn't seem to stop some people from wrongdoing, but in those marriages people either get married for ulterior motives, get married following haram relationships or where men get married when they cannot afford to take care of the wife.
There is a criteria to follow when choosing a spouse and marriage should not be taken lightly, nor be done for the sake of it or for pleasing others. One has to be mentally ready to commit wholeheartedly, be willing to compromise and be patient. Reality is not happily ever after either and you have to be prepared to take the rough with the smooth.
asalamualiakum ,
i totally agree with sister Amy in what she has wrote in her reply, you have to do what islam has asked you to do and nothing els, ALL men are not horrible because I'm just a simple guy and all thanks to Allah but the shaytaan got the better of me in a moment of anger to which i regret so please dont give up hope of finding your sole mate inshallah
Sajad
Salaams sister
I totally agree with posts above Amy has given you really good advise, please take that on board.
No you wont be punished for not marrying what is written is written by Allah there is nothing no one can do. All i will say to you is marry because you want to not what others are saying to you. Spend time with your son he needs you to be strong and set a better example of him. Also yes there are SOME men who prefer no marriage or commitment to have sex outside marriage BUT please respect yourself more for your son sake that whatever you want to do in life that the choices you make are for you and are the correct ones. We all humans make mistakes but dont allow yourself to be pushed to make others happy, do what makes you happy and dont look back look forward and be grateful with what you have for the better inshAllah.
Salaam.
I dont want to reiterate but I think marriage has to be done for the right reasons. And one essential reason is the person genuinely needs to want to marry. So doing it because your family and friends say so is not a good idea. Only you know yourself, sister. Marriage is not fardh (obligatory) in most cases but it is highly recommended and I believe that most scholars say it is an emphasized sunnah and so should be done if one is able. This is what I have heard anyway.
I agree with you that it is your decision. If you want to marry then do, if you dont then don't so I agree with Amy's advice. You also want what is best for your son too so Alhumdulilah that you saw those guys for what they really are.
I have heard that the scholarly advice on this issue is that it is only fardh upon a person who is struggling to keep their desires in check. So if you are struggling with your desires or feel a strong need for companionship then I think the scholars say it becomes important or in the more 'urgent' cases, fardh.
If you are OK and happy as you are then Alhumdulilah 🙂 focus on your son and be aware that no one should tell you what to do. Allah knows what is best for us and we also know ourselves better than our friends and families. So respect them but do whatever is best for you and your son.
Dear sis,
your friends n family are your well wishers. they are asking you to marry again so that both you and your son can have a full family experience. sometimes when one is of a type that will not look out or seek marriage then family n friends tend to persuade a bit more. but be assured they mean well.
remember parents have spend more time on earth than us, they have been through different phases of life and they are giving advise from experience.
seeing,some good for nothing guys, should not put you off marriage. there are all sort of people in the world. it is difficult indeed to find a reasonable man. i think you initially seriously considered marriage but ofcourse meeting such proposals will desuade anyone. if it was a reasonable man iam very sure you would have given yourself a chance.
i would say, keep your option open for marriage.inshallah Allah will bring a man your way, who is good for you here n the hereafter and will make you pleased with it.
may be you can utilise your ( bad) experience to triage proposals now. like prepare a list of screening questions before you actually see them. most of the guys who are not serious about marriage,would talk about everything under the sky except marriage or coming to see the parents to ask your hand. they will also not be interested in knowing what kind of a person you are and what kind of a wife you will be like. they just simply enjoy female company in what ever shape or form, to whatever extent they can get.
so, if a reasonable man ( not super man) comes across, do consider marriage , if people want to introduce to you someone, dont just say i dont want to get married, say you would like to ask them few questions before you actually meet them. this can be over phone or through someone.
may Allah make it easy for you.
Salam.
I did not want to get married at all but had to to make my parents happy and save them from the humiliation of keeping an unmarried daughter at home. And hence I am never happy since the day I married my husband. Last year. I miss being myself. I never complain but deep in my heart I am sad . Please help.
Ayesha: Why are you not happy? Can you give some examples why you can't be yourself any more?