Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am worried I will never get married so I am considering anyone

I am a 28 years old Muslim lady.

A man recently proposed to me, but I am not attracted to him.

But I am confused and scared that if I do not marry him, I will not get another man as I am not getting any younger.

What should I do?

- HAFSAT


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16 Responses »

  1. Salaam My Sister,

    I know in our cultures and customs there is a great pressure to get married at as young an age as possible, but our cultures developed in a time when people were adults from age 13 onwards.

    In today's world, with school, university, work and everything else - many people do not even leave home until 25 or so. So I would consider 28 as still young.

    On the subject of marriage - it is important that you marry for the right reasons for the marriage to work and be happy. Marrying "because you are not getting any younger" is not a good reason to get married. This attitude will also cloud your ability and your judgement: you should be seeking deen, compatibility and shared life goals rather that simply the goal of getting married, and so my advice to you would be to relax, stay calm, there is nothing unusual in modern society about being 28 and unmarried and take your time in seeking a partner who will be good to you, and do not be clouded by this kind of thinking.

    When people marry someone for no good reason, what happens within the marriage is that resentment builds towards your partner - and you start to see them as representative of missed life opportunities. At the moment you are seeking the world through this label you have give yourself "unmarried", and this is highlighting parts of your world which reinforce the feeling that you should be married.

    Once you are married, your vision will change. If you married for the wrong reasons, your world will now suddenly shift and highlight for you all the reasons that you should have been patient.

    The best way to go about things is to nurture the vision that you are a wonderful human being, with every potential in the world and that any man is lucky to have you and so you are waiting for someone whom you can love. As you nurture this vision you should start to feel in yourself a sense of patience growing and a new perspective and you will start to view potential marriage prospects in the way that you should: through terms of assessing compatibility levels.

    The average age of marriage in the UK for women is 30, so take your time, be confident and make good decisions for yourself inshaAllah,

    Peace,

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers.

    • "When people marry someone for no good reason, what happens within the marriage is that resentment builds towards your partner - and you start to see them as representative of missed life opportunities...

      The best way to go about things is to nurture the vision that you are a wonderful human being, with every potential in the world and that any man is lucky to have you and so you are waiting for someone whom you can love."

      Very good points Leyla.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I have never been married. I am now 67 years of age. Been looking for many years. Brothers that I have spoken to.. end up referring me to Polgyngy groups on fb. My Imam referred me to a Muslim Marriage site. Told me that I need no Wali, because of my age. I know of no Brothers that want marriage to an older Sister. I no longer can have any more children. So many have had so many marriages, as well as many divorces. I am also over looked for women not of our faith. I know that I cannot live forever. My question.. Am I forbiddened Jannah?

  2. Assalam Mulakim

    Sister our prophet Muhammad(PBUH) said that men marry women for 4 reasons and they are Beauty, Wealth, Reputation, and religion. And then he said marry the one with religion for it will never go away from the heart. Beauty goes away after you get old as you have mentioned, Wealth decreases through out time, And you wont alway be famous with your reputation.

    So my advice is if he has good Deen(faith) then go ahead and marry him. Love will come later on as you learn more about him. You will see lots of similarities between him and you inshallah. If you wait who knows you might never marry anyone as you have said or you might get married when your really really old. So don't just look at the beauty. In a marriage look closely at Deen,Character,and then beauty.

    I am really sorry if i said something that bothered you. Allah knows best. I wish you a happy life with a wonderful Islamic Family.

    • Wa Alaykum As Salaamu I have no offers of marriage. I sometimes feel as if I am begging. I read, as well as study. The pandemic keeps me from my masjid.. I have been forbidden to go. the limit is 65. My last friend has passed. I look everyday. I keep trying Sabr. Just want to know.. Is Jannah.. will that be forbiddened with no marriage. My mother passed when she was 83. Maybe I am trying too hard. Allah knows best

      • Khadija, of course Jannah is not forbidden. Why would you think that? Being married or not married is not a criterion for entering Jannah.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • As Salaamu Alaykum.. Been looking for a solid answer. Everyone that I ever asked.. told me I can't. Now I di not need to ask anyone again. Jazak Allahu Khair dear brother.. As Salaamu Alaykum

  3. salam alikoum,

    i am sorry i disagree with Ali. Marriage is wonderful when decision is taken with wisedom. many sisters got married like her without any attraction, only cos in some culture says ''it is time''. and many sisters were really unhappy and disappointed.

    I advise you sister, to make estekhara and think well before to marry a man who u dont feel any attraction. i mean dont marry anyone only cos it is time. Love doesnt come 100% later, love is not automatic, u need to feel in your heart u want him for his personality also.

    i agree with leila , 28 years old is not old, u can wait more, it will woryh. see if you find a man that u feel can be a good life partner. I was about to make same mistake. and i m happy i waited.

    wish u all the best and inshallah

  4. The prophet said: Look at the person you want to marry. For if he or she has a trait you

    may dislike before marriage, they are not gonna lose it after the marriage

  5. if hes charecteristic is good and his religion? then you should accept. but on the same note dont rush into anythin you not sure about jus cos you gettin old. age is nothin but a number, im married and my wife is older than me,

    peace......

  6. Assalamu alaikum,

    Sister, if you are not attracted to him then don't accept the proposal. Marriage is too important for you to jump at the first proposal that comes your way. If you are not attracted to him now what makes you think that it will change in the future?

    Take your time. In your post you referred to yourself as a 28 year old lady. If you continue to refer to yourself as an old lady then you will feel that way. Twenty eight is not old. Be patient. Allah has something better for you. When that person does come along make sure you get to know him in a Halal way. Ask all the right questions. Make sure you have something in common.

    When choosing a spouse you should be attracted to him physically, he should be able to take care of you financially, good character(people can vouch for him), and religious.

    Ask Allah for what type of person best suits you. You should be specific. Then be patient.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. Salam my dear Sister,

    I agree with the others when it comes to the priorities in an Islamic marriage, but don't forget : Islam

    is not the religion of extremes, rather it is the religion of balance . Of course you should feel

    attracted to your partner for you are going to share a strong physical bonding with him. But

    the main priority is the religion. That has to come first. It is the only characteristic that ur going

    to share in the world as well as in the Akhira, insha allah. It's going to stay forever, if it is molded

    in your heart. Physical attraction is also one very important aspect before an Islamic marriage

    as the Prophet encouraged us to look at the partner. But if there is no physical attraction at

    all, the marriage is not going to be successful. Our faith wanted to close the door to fisad

    and fitnah and in order to avoid them, there should be mawada(reciprocal love) and rahma

    (mercy) between the spouses. So just look for the balance. And don't worry about the age.

    For our holy Messenger, our Rahmatul al Alamin, married Khadija a.s., who was 20 years

    older and married twice before him. He didn't reject her, neither for not being a virgin-

    another stigma- or her age. And she was the only true love of his life, so that many of his

    wives were jealous of her as he used to cry whenever her name was mentioned. Try to

    take the marriage of Rassul Allah and Khadija as ideal example and ur never going to

    be unsuccessful in life.

    I wish u all the best, may Allah send you the best of husbands.

  8. salamu alaykum

    do not marry in a rush just to be married. the headache down the road mat be more trouble than u bargined for. trust me.

  9. So what if he's not attractive, look at his deen if that is strong and if hes respectful of women's I say go for it.

  10. I m 31 yrs old and unmarried ,and i have the same prob,No proposal comes to me . I believe if i am destined to someone then i will get married. If not then no one can do for me to get married.In Our society ,If woman is 28 yrs old, It becomes hard for her to get married.The Man wants to get married with younger girl , even if he is old or young.
    I also have seen many girls who are old and having younger husbands and living happily.i know , we the girls have to face the pressure from our families to get married.So leave it on Allah.Make an Istehara, If results are good then accept him.Don't look at beauty.See the internal beauty. Nikkah is process , i heard that when we accept a man to marry , Allah automatically creates attraction and love in your heart for your husband , if you have the believe.This is special thing in woman of Islamic society is that marriage is arranged or love,After marriage,they start to love their husband.
    Wish you happy life ,make your decision with your prayers.InshaAllah ,You will get good results.Ameen

    • 'Someone' - you are right, we should trust in Allah. But at the same time, we should be making calculated decisions about marriage and then putting trust in Allah.

      SisterZ

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