My mother will disown me if I marry him.
Asalam alaikum.
I am in need of some urgent advice. I am in a difficult situation and want to do right by islam. I am 24 years of age, I have been divorced and have a child, my marriage was chosen by myself, and my parents did not agree to this, I married a man who converted to islam and he was english, the marriage didn´t work and ended and I am now divorced islamically, I have a child from this marriage and have moved back with my family with my child.
I am a independant person, I work and study and inshallah will graduate this summer, with the intention of working away from home, my parents say islamically I am unable to do this until I am married which I completely understand. I have met somebody to marry, the problem is AGAIN he is not of the same race (he´s somali and has 3 children, which is the main reason me parents disagree), he is however a born muslim and we want to get married.
My parents are in the meantime trying to arrange for me to marry someone of their choice which I don´t agree to. Which are my right in this situation, and what are my parents limits?
My mother refuses to see or speak to me if I go ahead and marry this person and says she will disown me and I´m not sure what I should do, they use a lot of emotional blackmail towards me in order for me to do what they want but I don´t agree to what they want for me.
I have been open and honest with them in what I want but they don´t seem to compromise with me at all, they say I had my choice the 1st time and now I should leave it to them. I feel that I had broken their heart the 1st time I married and I know that they are not over this matter as they keep bringing up the past and make me feel guilty, they compare my previous relationship to this situation and try to convince me that the man they want me to marry is one of a kind but I´m really not interested.
All I want is to have my rights and do right by islam. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
leavethepast
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Assalamu alaykum Sister,
You have a right to choose. No one can force you to marry someone whom you do not wish to marry.
Sometimes Allah is not pleased with our actions. Think about the past relation, what your parents intended for you? And what you choose for yourself? What are your criteria for selection of a man for marriage? What happened in this marriage? Why did it not work out?
It would be great if you had put in some of these details in your question.
As far as choice is concerned, you have all rights to choose. Your parents brought you up, they cared for you before and they care for you now. We cannot say they are wrong and you are right or you are wrong and they are right. Only Allah knows.
But once such incident can cause worry to their parents. They have seen a lot more years then you. Once you went by your own choice and it failed, we cannot say it failed due to your choice; it was in destiny so it happened whatever the reasons may be.
But your parents seem to be compassionate and do not want to see a second failure in your married life due to a wrong choice.
If you have decided to marry Somali man with three kids, consider all the criteria of Islam – His practice of Islam, the integrity of his character, inquire well about his past and present, see for what purpose he wants to marry you and most importantly – how much He fears Allah – is the factor which I would always look for in a spouse.
My advice: See the guy your parents are willing to marry you to. Do not let your liking for the Somali man create any bias or injustice towards your parents. Meet him, see how he is like, and then you may decide for yourself which of the two would be better for your dunya and aakhirah.
Seek Allah’s guidance by Istikhara, you have a link about it at the top of the page. Read the Qur’an, perhaps there may come out some answers to your life’s questions from the Qur’an, as it is Allah’s guidance and a healing and mercy for those who believe in Allah.
You may recite Surah Al Fatiha with your whole heart all through out the day whenever you feel so, recite the names of Allah, and seek His guidance walking, sitting, reclining and Insha Allah you will see a way ahead.
Next to Allah, the status of parents is high in Islam and it is “fard” upon us to be kind to them.
May Allah give you the best of dunya and the best of aakhirah.
Consult with parents in kindness.
Be patient and take all decisions after saying Bismillah and deep thinking.
Salaam.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
Sister "leave the past", I think brother Munib has given very well balanced advice and I suggest that you follow it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
The sister makes no mention of her parents forcing her to marry someone, but she does make mention of her parents disagreeing to both marriages. The first marriage failed, the parents perhaps knew better than she does. Whilst I'm not saying we should do everything our parents say, we sure need to take their advice in important matters and what matter is more important than marriage.
If you do marry this man without the support of your family it will be the 2nd time and can you blame your family if they disown you? Sister you need to take the advice of your parents, they know best. Elders know about these matters more than you do.
Whilst there is nothing wrong with marrying of your own choice, I would not advise it, in fact more often than not people who pick their own partner their marriages end up in failures more than those marriages which are under the advise and suggestion of the parents.
Sister please listen carefully to the advice of your parents, who knows maybe they can make you see things through their eyes.
"can you blame your family if they disown you?" - Of course we can blame them. Family is family, and no one should disown their own children. In fact the concept of "disowning" a child does not exist in Islam. Your child is your child and always will be, whether you agree with his/her decisions or not.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wael, question for you. If in Islam the concept of disowning is prohibited, what should parents do if their child goes and marries someone they disagree with? Should they dance around and join the party as if it doesn't bother them?
I believe this is the biggest reason why the Ummah is in total and utter chaos today, people do not heed the advice of the elders, particularly their parents. Too many young people think they know better, but who knows someone better than those who've raised them and protected them all their lives.
Assalamu alaykum John,
No one knows better than the other. Only Allah knows what will come through. Parents may see the same criteria in a guy which their children see, yet their choice may differ. In that case what do they do?
We have to realize that a person who wants to marry, he or she is the one who will be getting married and not the parents. So the last decision should be left to the child.
I know parents want best for kids, and when kids do not understand it hurts and when they are hurt, even Allah is not pleased. But if Allah makes the kid's choice to be happy marriage, the parents are happy afterwards and if turns out to be a bad one, the blame is upon the choice of the kid.
We cannot generalize. All cases are different.
The reason why the Ummah seems to be in Chaos is because people have adapted culture and not religion as their way of life. They have surrendered to traditions of culture rather than the revelations of Allah.
Islamic married life is simple, yet culture has made it look very difficult.
Islamic married life can be summed up in short as : Marry someone you like - if he/she does not turn out to be a good person - peace process fails - seek divorce and move on - marry another one Allah send's your way - if he/she does not turn out to be a good person - peace process fails - seek divorce and move on - go on - until you find the right person.
By the above process I do not mean we should start and end so quick, all I mean is Allah has made a system for us, without any flaws, without causing any hopelessness.
Allah has kept all good options so open and easy for both male and female partners that they remain happy and their lives are not stuck in to sadness. Allah has provided such a beautiful system without any element of shame or guilt in it.
Remember in among many Catholics, divorce is considered as a grave sin. So we should Thank and Praise Allah for making our Deen, Religion easy for us.
But cultures have made it look tough. If a girl is divorced soon after marriage, she is looked upon with different eyes, sometimes suspected, people do not approach her as easily as they would if she hadn't been married once. Cultures make an issue of marrying a girl who has a kid out of her marriage and is now divorced, culture make it look bad to marry a widow. So cultures have caused lot of harm to the Ummah.
We need to cling on to Islam, the principles it is built upon. If we do so, we shall have success in dunya and aakhirah and if we don't our matter is with Allah and He is the best of judges.
109. Is he who founded his building upon duty to Allah and His good pleasure better; or he who founded his building on the brink of a crumbling, overhanging precipice so that it toppled with him into the fire of hell? Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk. - Surah Tauba.
No one should do acts like disowning, nor dancing as you wrote above when their children marry against their wish, but should wait and be careful and see how their kids choice goes and Allah has all options open for our good, Masha Allah.
Salaam.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
Brother Munib,
You have a very balanced sensible way of thinking.
"Islamic married life can be summed up in short as : Marry someone you like - if he/she does not turn out to be a good person - peace process fails - seek divorce and move on - marry another one Allah send's your way - if he/she does not turn out to be a good person - peace process fails - seek divorce and move on - go on - until you find the right person."
I agree completely with your above comment. Its better to try and see if it works than do nothing and waste your life or worse still risk falling into fitnah. Many parents or cultures should I say, seek to make more problem than solution.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You give me hope. Every time I look up Islamic answers and advice to problems and issues I struggle with, I seem to be disappointed by the "gap" in thinking and time that most answers suggest. Thanks for your balanced and thoughtful answer.
PS. Culture is killing religion. Most people in my country would not touch a divorced woman with a 9 foot pole. Also, a woman can be divorced for not being able to bear children or a male child. Is that even Islamic? Please tell me its not.
John, the sarcasm is not necessary.
Let's assume for a moment that the parents are not rejecting someone based on race or other superficial characteristics, or because they were offended by some remark made by the prospective spouse's family, or some silly thing, which is often the case. So let's assume that the parents are actually right in their objection, and that the child is marrying someone who has bad character. The answer is, the parents can continue to express their displeasure, and try to guide the child to what is right according to Islam.
What is accomplished by "disowning" a child? The child becomes alienated from the parents, and most likely continues on the wrong path, and sometimes gets even deeper into it. Often the contact between parent and child is completely lost, and the relationship is destroyed. Is that a solution?
If I say to my daughter, "You are not my child?", am I telling the truth? If she's no longer my child, then whose child is she?
Allah has emphasized the importance of silat ar-rahm, the family relationship. It should be maintained at all costs. These ridiculous threats of "disowning" a child are little more than emotional blackmail, and have no place in a healthy family relationship.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with John.. except that yes the concept of 'disowning' is non existant in the deen but it happens in that parents get so unhappy, they cut off with you. However, that doesnt make it right and just like we are open about how wrong the children are in disobeying parents, we should also be explicit about how wrong parents are with this whole 'disowning' thing thats going around. Its a cultural things and needs to be wiped out.
Other than that, yes every case is different and needs to be judged accordingly, however seeing what this sister is saying, I agree with John with what he is saying.
They are not 'forcing' you to marry this other man. What is the harm in simply trying to see if, after one failed attempt which made ur parents unhappy, atleast give this other guy a chance? To make ur parents happy...and to be genuine about it, not letting ur thoughts/feelings about the somali man affect how u see this man. If for nothing, it is worth it just to bring a smile to ur parents face.
You are a parent now yourself, so inshallah you should understand ur parents better than you did the first time round.
Was salaamu alaikum
Salaamu alaikum sister,. . . I find it interesting reading ur story as there are much to gain from it. . . . . . . . . . . Really racism is not a criterion to consider when choosing a partner for marriage. . . As far as islam is concerned, every muslim is d brother of every other muslim and in islam, there is no racism and no tribal influence. .d best among mankind is d one who love's and fear's Allah d most (ie enjoins what God orders him to do and forbids what He stops him from doing) irrespective whether u are arab, or british, or somalian, or american etc. . . . . I guess ur parents are well awear of this and if they have forgotten, i think this is right time to remind them. . . . . I also assume that why ur parents reject ur offer is simply because they gave u a first chance and it turns out bad and maybe they are afraid of giving u another chance , and not because u are not of the same race. . . . . However, in d fold of islam you have d full right to make ur choice (as regard d husband u whant to marry) and also don't forget that ur parents ve full right over u. . . . . U ve to treat them with all d care, love and respect. U ve to be very carefull with them and do ur utmost not to hurt them. . . . Ur mum took u in her womb for 9 month and went through pains after pains b4 u came to d world, breast feed u for 2 yrs and also took care of u at ur tender age (with all d suffering and problems u gave her when u are small). . . But in a case where ur parents disobey Allah, then u should'nt be loyal to them. . . . However i want u to think critically b4 taking d next step. . . . . . Do u think dis somaly guy is faithful to u?? Do u ve d guarantee that he will love and take care of u and ur child?? What level of surety do u have as regard him not mistreating u do way ur ex did????? Is he worth staying with (Does he has d quality of a good husband)?? . . . . . Study all this from the somalian and also from the guy ur parents wants u to marry., and then decide for ur self whom to choose among them . . . . If it turns out to be d somalian, then u ve to take d trouble of explaining to them d processes u went through b4 choosing him and also, explain to them d concept of racism in islam. . . I trust they will support u after all this INSHA ALLAH. . . . . Lastly i will urge u to seek Allah's guidiance and InshaALLAH, HE will support u. . . . WASSALLAMU ALAIKUM WARAHMATULLAH... . . . . . . . . . Mohd
Assalamu alaykum
Shukr Alhamdulillaah Sister Z.
@ Sister Z & readers,
Assalamu alaykum,
Satan caused me to forget one more point in my previous post: Allah has made it more easier for women as well as men that they do not have complusion to have sex immediately after marriage and it may leave any sort of impression/ memories which a man or woman may not want to remember. So seeking the right spouse is Alhamdulillaah, fairly easy in Islam if we obey Allah.
As there is always a provision of Divorce without even touching women. So Allah has beautified the Faith as He says:
236. It is no sin for you if ye divorce women while yet ye have not touched them, nor appointed unto them a portion. Provide for them, the rich according to his means, and the straitened according to his means, a fair provision. (This is) a bounden duty for those who do good.
237. If ye divorce them before ye have touched them and ye have appointed unto them a portion, then (pay the) half of that which ye appointed, unless they (the women) agree to forgo it, or he agreeth to forgo it in whose hand is the marriage tie. To forgo is nearer to piety; And forget not kindness among yourselves. Allah is Seer of what ye do. - Surah Al Baqarah.
49. O ye who believe! If ye wed believing women and divorce them before ye have touched them, then there is no period that ye should reckon. But content them and release them handsomely. – Surah Al Ahzaab.
Subhaan Allah Walhamdulillaah ! Masha Allah, what a beautiful life system Islam is and Allah says - forget not kindness among yourselves.
So that a woman and a man may marry, know each other in the bond of marriage, acceptable to Allah and to the society, see each other's conduct and then they may decide on going ahead with the marriage or separating. And without touching a woman, there is also no waiting period to be reckoned.
Masha Allah. If only people's hearts were open to accepting the revelations of Allah and if only this Ummah would cling on the Qur'an, we would be content in Dunya and in Aakhirah. Insha Allah.
Salaam.
* * *
Maashallah you have raised a very good point, its a shame that verses like this are not mentioned enough.
Walaikum salaam sister,
I read your post and completely understand your situation
I agree with all our brothers mentioned here that you should listen
to ur parents. You made ur choice first time which was a failure, parents know
this worldy life more than us, you should give ur parents the second chance to help u
settle. Marriage will be blessing and boon if differences are minimal, the more the difference
the more it gets difficult. At the beginning spouses adjust to the differences but as years pass by these adjustments starts to feel burdening So my advice to u is marry someone from ur own community with ur parents guidance, sister pls dont get yourself in another trouble relationship. I am telling you from my own experience. Also do istikhara and seek Allah's guidance.
I second that.
W'salaam
I completely disagree. As I disagree with John. YOU are marrying this man, you will live with him day in and day out, only YOU know whether he is truly suitable for you.
Many Muslim parents unfortunately approach choosing a husband for their daughters the way a headhunter does - what is his education? what is his background? what is his reputation? what is his family's reputation? But you know what- that is all NOISE. Excellent qualifications on paper do not necessarily make him a great spouse. A rich man, an educated, a supposedly pious man...none of that means your personalities and values truly complement each other.
I knew a sister who married the man her family chose for her - engineer, good family, very "religious", always at the masjid, good income, same cultural background. 1 year in and he was beating the crap out of her during drunken fits. 2 years in she left him and he kept their only child and prevents her from seeing him. She cries all the time. The courts will side with him of course if she makes the divorce final, and she will have absolutely no legal right to her children and will look "tainted" to all future suitors.
Give me a break. Muslim teachings have to reach out to the young Muslims in a way that we can understand, respect, and aspire to honour. If archaic cultural standards always trump and get lumped in with religion than I venture a WHOLE LOT of young Muslims will be losing their way in the next few years.
Many Muslim parents unfortunately approach choosing a husband for their daughters the way a headhunter does - what is his education? what is his background? what is his reputation? what is his family's reputation?
What do you think is the best things to look for by the girl's family? I think unfortunately many parents don't look for these things you mentioned and just try to marry their daughter to one of her "cousin".
Aslamo Alikum brothers and sister,
I am in a lot of problem, please help me out if you can. So my parents are forcing me to marry someone else I don’t want to marry, I know in islam its haram to have a boyfriend but I have been in love with this boy for four years, and he is also a muslim, infact a sunni muslim just like I am. We are from the same province, Punjab in Pakistan. He wishes to marry me and has brought his parents over, but the issue is my parents disagree to this , they had arranged my wedding with someone else in Pakistan and when I told them I have the right to marry the boy of my choice, they got angry at me and said that they are the only one with the right to arrange my marriage as I am their daughter and that they have raised me for 18 years. For some reason I get very depressed and do not understand what to do other than ask Allah for help in my prayers. I think I have the right to decide whom I want to marry, once I told them that islamically I have the right to perfom nikkah with the boy I want without my parents permission, they started to threat me that they would kill me and the boy and his family. That scares me a lot, my parents are putting me under a lot of pressure and forcing me with the question of their respect and reputation in the Pakistani society here in Canada and back home in Pakistan. Dear brothers and sisters please help me as I have even thought of committing suicide because I dearly love this boy and as I am sure it is also haram to force someone to marry. How can my parents understand and let me marry the man of my choice . there is nothing wrong with him, hes also a muslim, he’s also a Pakistani. Someone help me please how can my parents heart be softened for me? They say I am not old enough to make the decision of whom I can marry, but then how can I be old enough to be forced to marry? My dad says that I have given word to the other people that you would become their daughter in law, but I have not accepted the rishta, all my parents say is don’t flush our respect this that. Its really depressing marriage is a life time commitment, help me someone please.
fiaqa, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi
Wael you make some great points.
I was disowned at 16,im 31 now.Its Ramadan at the moment and i dont know any muslims i find it very hard
I agree with Lumi.
Young Muslims who come and seek advice on web forums actually want to know how they can excersise their right to marry of their choice and convince their parents to see their point of view. So telling them to simply "obey your parents" is not really helping them, especially in the cases the sisters have presented here.
Parents should not cause hindrances in Nikah unless their reasons are acceptable according to Shariah. Which fundamentally is religion. So if the boy and girl are Muslims, and consent to marrying each other the parents should not delay the marriage. It's the happiness of the child that should matter, not the fear of the parents losing their respect in society!
And everyone seems to miss this very important quote from Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him):
"For those who love each other, nothing has proven as good as marriage.” (Sunan ibn Maajah, Verified to be authentic by Sheikh al Albani in As Saheehah)
Peace!
Hi,
I am married to a guy whom is my parents choice...
[Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]
@zaynah_shafiq follow me on Twitter ladies it would be much appreciated. I will be posting some inspirational quotes and images on my page for women who are going through this on a daily basis. Please follow