stuck in no win situation
My parents married me back home to a man that is my fathers nephew. I was not given the opportunity to consent to the marriage. We have nothing in common and although hes a really nice guy i am still not taken by him. I find it difficult to communicate with him and more crucially i dont fancy him. I've been tolerating the situation for four years and that was for the sake of my family and partly because i dont know how to end this marriage and the reaction i will get.
People i talk to just tell me to work at the marriage, but the truth is i never wanted to marry him in the first place and i still feel the same. I dont feel like its for me and worth fighting for. I just feel like i want it to end so i break away and start fresh.
WHAT should i do? follow my heart? is lawful in islam for me to leave him now?
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Assalaamu alaikum,
I like to base my answers totally on the Sunnah, if you don't mind. According to the Prophet (sallilahu alaihee was salaam) the marriage is considered not valid. In Hadith Al Bukhari, vol. 7, #69, it says: "Khansa' bint Khidham Al Ansariyyah narrated that her father gave her in marriage when she was a matron (i.e. married before) and she disliked that marriage. So she went to Allah's Messenger (sallallahu alaihee was salam) and he declared the marriage invalid." A young virgin girl came to him with the same issue and he gave her the right to choose on her own or leave the marriage. She chose to stay in her marriage but she was upset because she had not been consulted and it was not of her choosing, which is a women's right. Marriage between the two has to be consentual and not against the will of the women or if she finds the match unappealing. You need to explain this to your family. Either way, it ill be sticky because of the two families involved, your spouse and you and all the drama and feelings that will surface because of it. Break it to your family easy and tell them that you are unhappy and that it is haram to make you stay in a marriage that is islamically invalid.
If they are not agreeable with this, then you have to decide whether you will divorce him anyway and how to deal with the issues that form because of it. I personally say, if you are unhappy and it was not a match that you picked or agree with, then do what you have to do to obey Allah (subhanna wa ta'alah) and get out. Stayng has not made things better, so why continue?
This is in reply to "totally agree in tex" comment on December 30, 2006 • 2:05 pm
I want to ask you, how could you say that this marriage is invalid? Do you have any authentic source to base this idea on?
As far as I know, even though both the woman and the man should be asked if they want to marry a particular person, even if the marriage took place without the consent of that woman, her marriage to him is still valid because they had the nikah.
This is my understanding. If anyone can highlight the true approach on this matter, it will be great.
Jazak Allahu Khair!
Assalam alaikum,
While the response above is correct it does not take into account that many scholars have determined that the time to object to a marriage is at the time of the contract signing or before consummation. Unless you are willing to accuse your husband of rape and maintain that you were forced to remain in his residence - the marriage can be viewed as legally valid as your consent was when you did not stand up for yourself.
I do not think this is what Allah or Muhammad intended here, but that is the commonly derived understanding of silent consent. If you are genuinely committed to divorce try your case, InshaAllah you will have success.
I agree you should spread the word that a woman cannot be forced into marriage. It would benefit not only yourself but the women of your family and community.