IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Question:

I am a Muslim woman and I am ashamed of saying this but I do not practice my religion 100% I have started to pray and would like to get closer to Allah. I have been married for 5 years now. During these years my husband has been physically abusive since day 2.

He has gone to jail for 2 days because of this and has also gone to counseling.  This has not helped much as every now and then he will become physically abusive.  Moreover we have nothing in common he goes out with bad influences who are divorced druggies and also leaves me at home a lot.

When he is home, he is gambling online and/or in the bedroom not talking to me. We have been separated for 9 months before and I begged him (wrong I know) to come back.  He has gone out with women behind my back although he says they are just friends. He has banned me from seeing half of my family and when I do see them he causes problems.

He speaks to me rudely and dismissively. He is emotionally abusive and verbally abusive and finally he has been doing drugs... all of this and I still have hope that he will be the man I once knew and take care of me and our 2 year old son. I am compelled to divorce him as he is has been doing drugs over 1 year that I know of.

His family says to be patient but I am afraid of losing my son if the authorities were to find out. I do not want to make Allah mad at me by leaving him and I am afraid that if  I do leave him he may actually get his act straight. I have threatened many times that I  will leave him and he says he doesn’t care.

As soon as I do start to leave he stops me.  He is very stubborn and honestly I have become the same. I am tired of trying to make things work and tired of being a single mother while I am supposed to be married.

I am 27  and I believe that somewhere there is a man that can treat me the way I deserve. I am smart, hardworking and provide over 3/4 of the rent, food and bills for the house. I have asked him to divorce me amicably and all I want is full custody of my son since he is a bad influence. He has mentioned that it will never happen... I am so lost. I love him and don’t want to hurt him but this is destroying me inside and out. What should I do ?

He blames his whole life crumbling down because of me because he hit me and went to jail. He says that I ruined his life and he would be much happier without me and when  I go ahead and say lets divorce he switches again!

I should have known it would be this way as his father was abusive to his mother and now he is always out while his mother is always home. His older brother abused his fiancé who left him. It seems a pattern with the boys while the girls of the family are educated, amazing, and hard working and have happy marriages.

- D

Leyla's Answer:

Dear Sister D, As-salamu alaykum,

I am sorry for the agonies that you are facing, but you must stop making excuses for this man and accepting excuses for this man. Allah will not be angry with you for leaving a bad man in search for a good one, our religion does not tell us women to suffer under the hand of an drinking, violent gambler and the Quran clearly states that if peace cannot be made between husband and wife then let them part ways - we are permitted to separate from an unhappy marriage, so the first thing to do is acknowledge that there is no religious obligation upon you to stay in a marriage in which you suffer endlessly.

On the issue of wanting an amicable separation - sister, when a man can hardly provide you with an amicable marriage, he is hardly going to hand you an amicable separation. You have to except that this is the struggle that you must endure in order to separate and plan your exit carefully before you follow through, keeping yourself safe, and secure as violent men get more violent when you try to leave them.

So you must acknowledge that this is going to take strategy and you must plan in advance - organise where you will go to, how you will get there, seek legal advice in advance of your divorce, secure yourself and your children legally and then leave the property you share with your husband and then tell him that you are divorcing him. You will need strength and determination to do this without being bullied into changing your mind, but the stress will be worth it in the end when you are free from this painful situation and able to create a new situation.

On the issue of responsibility - not one single one of us is responsible for another person's actions or decisions. This man is blaming you for his misery which is an incredibly emotionally backward way of thinking. Whilst he continues to blame you for his behaviour, he continues to resist the very actions that will mend his behaviour. By leaving him, you may even be assisting him to look at himself and sort himself out, because often alcoholics, gamblers and other addictive types need to hit rock-bottom before they will accept responsibility for themselves.

On the subject of you and your children, sister there is nothing more beautiful on this planet than a strong woman who makes hard decisions so that her children can live peaceful and more moral lives and I commend you for taking these steps and coming to these decisions.

So first thing is to see a lawyer and make a plan (do not share this with your husband and your family), second source a secure place that you and your children can move to and third, organise your exit plan so that your husband does not see you leaving. Fourth, when you have moved your things and know your rights - inform your husband that you are divorcing him in a public place where you are protected from outbursts.

Assume that you will suffer and agonise for a short while. But it will be short while, and then you be open to find the peace, love and prosperity that every woman wishes for.

Peace,

Leyla
IslamicAnswers.com Editor