Can I marry a convert without my parents blessings?
I met a Tamil boy around 5 years ago. We worked together for around 3 years and over time we got to know each other very well. He was an atheist and very often religion would become a discussion topic for us. Little by little he got interested in Islam and was reading on his own. My parents once questioned me if I had any other feelings for this guy. I told them that I was praying that he accepts Islam out of his own will and accord and if so I would like to consider something further. They didn't react positively towards this. So the topic came to a close.
My parents were under the impression that I had severed all connections with him. It’s been almost 2years since it first came up and during this time he changed jobs so we were not in touch face to face but we did keep in touch over the phone. I still prayed that he be enlightened. In the mean time my parents asked me if they could look for proposals for me. I agreed but prayed that nothing good came their way. This also gave me time because I was eternally hopeful. He progressed well over the past 1 year and now he has accepted Islam. A few days ago two more proposals were put forward to me and I got extremely upset but agreed to enquire about the parties.
However my mum has sensed that something was wrong and I was asked if I still had an idea about this guy. I couldn't deny it and I also told them that he has now accepted Islam. They were extremely upset. They said I had betrayed them. Now I have been told that if I want to marry him I should make arrangements to go to another country. They are not even agreeable to come sign for my registration. I just don't know what to do. All this while I thought I was hoping for something good. I'm totally against racial discrimination. I don't look down on converts. I don't believe that is Islam. But now I'm holding back because I can’t proceed without my parents blessings.
I love my parents very much. I know I have let them down. Maybe this is what they never expected from me. I honestly thought they would be open enough to accept a convert. This boy has no flaws. He is of very good character. He also is not comfortable to go ahead without their approval because we are scared that if something happens to them it will be our fault. If I give up my dream I won’t be able to get married but I'm OK with that, provided they let me be alone. I don’t know if they will agree to that either. Right now I don’t know what is right and wrong. I'm just fed up with everything.
Please advise me. If I'm in the wrong please tell me. If my parents are in the wrong please tell me that as well.
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Salaam Sister,
The best way to go about this is to allow your parents the time and opportunity to get used to the idea before you go ahead. Islamically you cannot get married without their permission, and personally you will feel awful once you have gotten married and realised that your parents whom you love and who love you are not around, not happy and not used to it.
They will get used to it, but not before going through the stages of shock, denial, anger, depression and then acceptance. Let them know that you are serious and that you want them to be involved, ask them to give him a chance and let them go through the emotions that they are going through. Your parents love you intensively and they will naturally feel feelings when you take a decision that appears to their eyes as threatening to you and your family. They don't have to be right or wrong to feel that way, that's just the way that parents feel when these things happen.
So my advice is to hold your ground, try to encourage them to give him a chance and get to know him, allow them to have the reactions that they are having without judging them or being angry with them for it, and then be patient as the process goes along and don't try to rush it too much.
Peace,
L
Salaam Sister Leyla
Thank you for your reply. It's been 11 days since all this came up. I have had no dialogue with my parents other than on two occasions during this period. Two days ago they both wrote a letter to me and had left it on my table. My fathers letter basically kept saying that I was under Satanic influence and that is why I had done all this. He doubts this guys acceptance totally. They say he is leading me astray. My mums letter emphasized the fact that I had betrayed them, that she trusted me and never thought I would deceive them. They both had written that if I still felt that this was the "best" person for me, they are giving their permission for me to go ahead but they will not be able to accept him.
Sister, all along I just felt that there is nothing wrong in wanting to marry a convert. Even now I feel the same. This guy is facing (and will have to face) a lot more difficulty cause his parents are not going to take it easily when they find out he has accepted Islam (his parents are living in another country). But he says he is not doing a wrong so with Gods help and mercy they will come around when they realize that his acceptance of another faith will not change his responsibility and love for them.
Sister I sometimes get weak and think shall I give it all up just for them? I will severe all connections with him but I will not be in a position to marry someone else. Its not as easy as my parents and siblings think. I maintained a distance with him cause Islamically courtship is not allowed. But I was in contact with him over the phone (I'm not saying that that is totally correct). I prayed and hoped to one day be able to lead an Islamic married life with him if and only if he enters the fold of Islam. At this moment no one at home seems to understand that there is something called love and feelings that comes between two people. I'm not such a fickle girl to just be able to switch from one person to another like that?! I also have something called a heart noh?
I cant just pack up and leave coz I love my parents very much. They might say that if I loved them I shouldn't have got into this mess but I genuinely thought that if your niyyat is pure and genuine there is nothing wrong in asking for something like this. I prayed and prayed that God would make my parents accept him.
I know I have hurt them very much and I ask for forgiveness for this every day. But right now I'm also hurting and I have no one to speak to in the house. I'm all alone. No one even tries to see it a little from my point of view.
I cant help but ask God, " why is this world made up with so much hate, hypocrisy, double standards, pride, discrimination etc? Why couldn't we all be from one religion and belong to one race?".
I dont know sister, please tell me if I'm in the wrong....
Jazakallah
Wassalaam
Fathima
Salaam Fathima,
Your parents sounds like very good people who have gone to the trouble of writing you a letter there is a lot of love there if they are trying genuinely to communicate to you ithout shouting or crying. I know it hurts, and of course it hurts when your parents behave in this way, but it does sound like they are extending an olive branch and trying to commuicate their feelings in the best way that they know how. This is all still a raw and bleeding wound for them as they have made a lot of assumptions and this is a natural process that you must ride out with peace, and love. 11 days is a very short time indeed, so do not fear - this is process that we all go through.
Whe hit with a big change, everyone (and I mean everyone without exception) goes through te process of shock (no reaction), denial (pretending it ddn't happen), anger (why have you done this?!), bargaining (please God, if you do this I will do that), depression (I cant beleve this has happened, there's no point to living), testing (let me try) and then acceptance (its not so bad after all).
You parents are at the anger stage right now, so they are going through the motions quite quickly and that is a sign of good emotional health and love. I know 11 days feels like a lifetime when it hurts - but hold in there, and you will see amazing results. Stay calm, stay loving - beause when your child is telling you that they love you and they want your support, your heart just melts and you can't turn your back on them.
I would advise that you write a letter back to them and write it from the position of "I love you, and I want you on my side" - tell them you understand how they feel and that it hurts you deeply that they feel betrayed because in your mind, there has been no betrayal. Ask them to meet the boy first before they make a decision on his integrity and honesty, tell them that you trust them and value them and you would not go forward without them, BUT you will not accept that they have made a fair decision without speaking to him.
It doesn't sound like your parents are upset because he is Tamil, but more because they didn't know that you were speaking to someone and they feel like they should have been "in on it" so to speak. They have said that they will accept it if they have to, which shows that they would rather accept this than lose you - so already I can tell you that your parents are good parents that love you intensely and that you must not take their natura and healthy reactions as a sign of permanence (and what I mean by that is that this will not last forever, its a temporary emotional process).
You are right my dear sister, that racism is abhorrent, and a shame on us as a people - but this difficulty you are facing with your parents is not a race issue, but a trust issue.
You can talk to us,we are here for you - have a try with the letter, remember to show them love, show them that you are trying really hard to achieve this meeting and remind them that no matter what, you are not willing to lose their support and see what happens.
Be open, be truthful, be patient with their emotions (they are allowed as parents to feel them for their child)
Peace,
L
Dear Sister Fatimah,
My full sympathies are with you, Put your trust on ALLAH subhanutallah He will definitely going to help U.
I will advice you to do Istikhara and then leave everything on Allah.
My Prayers are with you sister and May Allah help you in this difficult situation.
Wassalaam
Salaam Sister Leyla
Thank you once again. Yes I am in the process of writing a letter to them. I actually started writing it the very day they gave me theirs. I get so emotional when writing that my thoughts get stuck and as such I still haven't finished it. I'm trying to explain everything from the beginning. Inshallah I hope I am able to write it well and I pray that they will soften at least a bit.
I'm so grateful that I was able to get in touch with you'll. When you feel there is no one there for you, God gets you connected with someone. I'm so grateful. Allah is so Merciful. After all the wrong we have done intentionally and unintentionally He still doesn't desert us.
Thank you once again.
Please do pray for me sister.
Jazakallah
Wassalaam
Fathima
MashaAllah, my young sister, you are clearly a very good person, and of course I will pray for you and that you find peace within your family
Peace and blessings constantly,
Leyla
Salaam Sister-in-Islam
Thank you for your kind words. I never thought I would get responses. Alhamdulillah.
Please do pray for me, that's all I can ask.
I am doing Istikara. I ask God Almighty to show me the correct way forward.
Thank you again
Wassalaam
Fathima
Hi Sister,
i would surely pray for u. im sure ur prayers will be answered.Plz do let me knw the good news when ur parensts accept ur love
Dear Sister Leyla
Assalamu Alaikum
I gave my letter to my parents on Monday morning. Actually I gave it on Sunday to my sisters to be given to them but they only ended up giving it on Monday morning. I explained everything from the beginning. From the time I had started work, how I came to know this person, how we discussed religion, how he started showing an interest towards Islam etc. How I prayed and hoped that Allah would make things work out firstly from his side then from my parents’ side.
I ended saying that even though they have given me permission to proceed, I am unable to do so as I love my parents’ soooo much that I just cannot think of living disconnected from them. The other option is for me to severe all ties with him with Allah’s mercy, but I said that I hoped they would understand that I will not be in a position to agree to marry someone else. I don’t know if that is right or wrong but I cannot explain the emotional process I am going through and I hoped they would understand (which I don’t think they will).
It’s been almost 3 days and they have not said anything to me since I gave the letter. The silence is killing me. As scared as I am to go home every evening after work not knowing what is awaiting me, them not saying anything is also killing. I tell myself that I replied their letter almost a week after they gave me theirs so I should give them time as well but I’m extremely anxious.
I don’t know sister sometimes I get so emotional and mentally upset that I think to myself, shall I just call everything off? Shall I just agree to an arranged marriage just for their sake? I know I will be unhappy for the rest of my life but at least everyone else will be happy. I don’t know if I have the strength to get to know someone else and get close to someone especially when I know within me that there was someone special, whom I trusted and was extremely compatible with, someone who now believes in God Almighty and I could have been happily married to him? The thought itself is killing but no one seems to see it from my point of view.
What is so wrong in marrying a convert? What is wrong in wanting to learn more about God Almighty together with him?
I love my parents sooooo much but I ask myself is this sacrifice fair from my side?
I just don’t know sister. I feel so very weak and very scared.
Wassalaam
Fathima
Salaam Fathima,
Hang in there. If it gets too much, go and ask them if they are planning to speak to you soon or not - because you are feeling that you can't handle the silence and it is getting painful for you. Face your fears, be straight, even if you have an argument - it is still communication and that is healthier for you than silence.
God bless you.
Peace,
Leyla
Salaam Fatima,
I really think you should talk to your parents. They seem like good people, and I'm sure that if you sit them down and talk it out, you could make them understand your point of view. Our parents belong to a generation that still doesn't quite accept converts, but you need to make them realise that this guy is probably WAY better than most Muslim boys because he CHOSE to become a Muslim. Another good idea is to get to the guy to meet your parents. It may seem like a very awkward thing to do, but trust me, once they meet him and see what a devoted Muslim he is, and see how eager he is to marry you, they'll gladly accept him. They're probably even more upset right now because you're fighting this war alone, and the person you're fighting for isn't even in the picture. I will pray for you, do keep us updated.
Dear Sister Leyla
Things have got really bad. Last evening my younger sister fractured her arm. In a normal situation I would be the one with my mother supporting her through such a trauma. But now I am unable to even help them in anyway. When I reached home last evening they had already rushed to the doctor. My father was at home. When I tried assisting him with a task he was doing he started shouting at me. He said when people start lying and deceiving this is what happens. Allah punishes us. He basically told me to make arrangements to leave the house and go get married to this guy. He says if he was a decent guy he would have never even thought of asking my hand when he knew that the home was not agreeable. He kept saying I had lied and deceived my beloved mum. He said I'm a bitch.
He asked me, "we have given our permission so what is holding you back?". I said I cant live disconnected from them. I was just trying to ask him why they oppose this guy so much when I know his character inside out when my mum and sister arrived. Thereafter the topic came to a close coz I had to go back to my room.
I cant bare to see my sister in so much pain and not being able to help her and my mum. They just wont let me get involved at all. I cant take it anymore. I have always been the one who's always around and now they wont let me even come close. I just cant take it.
Sometimes I feel should I just give it all up? Should I just agree to marry someone they bring? They are not agreeable to me staying unmarried my entire life. I will suffer for the rest of my life but at least I will be able to be a part of my family and I will be able to be there for them when they need me.
I just dont know what to do. I'm breaking.
Wassalaam
Fathima
Salaam Fathima,
I know this is hard for you. I have been through this myself, I know exactly what you are feeling and I maintain to you that this will pass - they cannot stay angry like this for a lifetime.
It has still been only a short time since you told them so they are wrapped in rage and upset. I know it feels like years and years to you, but it is only a short time. You cannot know what to do until you have a conversation with them. Your father is telling you that you have his permission but clearly, you don't, he is just telling you to go in anger.
Hang in there, take no action towards marriage plans until they have calmed down and started speaking to you again, stay focused, maintain the prayers and inshaAllah you will reach a breakthrough in talks - because that's what needs to happen, you need to talk to each other. When you tried to help your father, and he shouted at you, that was actually a step towards talking about things and you must talk about things to resolve them. They cannot really judge him before they have met him. If they have met him, and seen some danger in him, then you must pay attention to that - but at the moment, they are judging him without questioning him or speaking to him.
Hang in there, maintain the prayer.If you have any support in the family it may be worth seeking their support as you go through this process so you have someone to turn to.
Peace,
Leyla
Salaam Sister Leyla
Alhamdulillah the doctor said my sister will not have to under go surgery but she will have to wear a cast for some time may be two months. I was so scared that a surgery would be involved.
Sister Leyla what is bothering me is that I dont know what to do.
After doing Istikara I felt that what I'm asking for i.e; to marry a convert is not wrong and I got the feeling that I should pursue it.
But when I see and go through the problems and unpleasantness at home I cant help but think should I just give it all up? I know for a fact that I will never be happy. I will hate living. I just cant imaging how I can make myself marry someone else but I'm thinking should I just go through the hell.
If one asks me why I’m taking this option it’s only for one reason – coz I don’t want my parents and sisters to be disconnected from me. I want them to include me in their activities. For example if there’s a problem at home I want them to tell me and let me help in anyway possible. That’s all I want. I had so many criterions that I looked for in a prospective partner. This guy had it all.
But now I will just agree to anyone they bring coz I don’t have the strength to inquire into these and I know if I do I will always be comparing and it will hurt me even more. I will just have to be insensitive to my emotions. The one and only condition that I will want satisfied is that he has to agree that he will not want to leave this country and go elsewhere as long as my parents are living and till my sisters can manage on their own. Coz if he decides to go abroad then I won’t be with them and that doesn’t serve my purpose of sacrificing my entire life. If so I could have married the guy I have in mind.
It’s not easy. But should I do it? That’s what I don’t know.
No one cares about my feelings. According to them I have done wrong and only wrong.
Please advise me.
Wassalaam
Fathima
Salaam Fathima,
You are asking me to tell you what to do, but I have no right to do that - I cannot make this decision for you.
What I can say is that it is important to hold your ground and go through the necessary strife to get to where you want to be, and that we should only give up when people have provided clear evidences, enquiries and reasons to give it up and not when they have a tantrum and call us names.
It is true that we need our parents to assist us in making good decisions an it is true that we should follow their guidance and hear their assessment of situations - but you have not heard that yet. They have decided, without investigation, without meeting the person, without checking references, background and so on.
We cannot give in every time we hit a fight, a hurdle or a tantrum. But if you feel that you cannot cope, if you feel that you have made a bad choice or a bad decision then of course, if you have doubts about the boy you can change your mind, you are allowed to change your mind and that is OK.
If you feel that you have made a good decision and you want your parents to at least meet the boy before they reject him then hold your ground.
I'm afraid I cannot make this decision for you, it is an important decision and you must make it yourself and believe in yourself even when under pressure.
Peace,
Leyla
Salaam Sister Leyla
I apologize if I made a mistake by asking you what to do. I'm sorry. I'm just so helpless I don't know whom to turn to.
At the moment I am just keeping my distance. I pray that there aren't anymore flare ups this weekend.
Within me I feel that I have not made an incorrect decision regarding this boy. I know that it's not easy for my parents. They would have never expected their daughter to marry a convert. But what really upsets me is my father. He's a person who's always listening to lectures delivered by converts, lectures where people come to Islam etc. I never thought he would have double standards. As long as the person converting does not affect our family it's a great thing but if it affects the family like in my case then that persons niyyat and everything related to his acceptance is doubted. For me this is pure hypocrisy. It's for these reasons that I'm finding it hard to let go. I respect my parents but in this instance I just cant agree with their stand. For them their pride, ego, social opinion are more important than their daughters happiness.
However wrong they may be, I'm unable to proceed if it means that I have to be disconnected from them. I love them too much and I just cant do that. Right now not a word is being spoken to me but at least since I'm living in the house at least I know what is happening. My mum doesn't let me get involved in anything, so I have to try to do things on the sly. So when she's not around I quickly do whatever housework I can. If I were to move out with him I wont have anyway of knowing anything.
The thought of marrying someone else just to please them is daunting. Sometimes I think even if I say I'll take that option when I actually have to do it I don't know how I'll go through it. I'll rather die. it's just so bad.
I'm just keeping to myself and praying to God Almighty that a miracle happens in my life. I pray that He shows us all the correct way forward. I dont have anyone else to turn to but Him.
Please do pray for me sister.
Wassalaam
Fathima
Dear Fathima - Asalaamualaikum,
May Allah make this path easy for you.
My sincere duas are with you.
Best Wishes
SisterZ
xxx
Salam Sister,
I too came across with similar situation and I finally respected my parents decision eventhough my heart was with my choice. At present I am verymuch happy on my current life for Allah gave me right half by my parents dua and blessings. If you can convince your parents then it would be a great solution or you can wait for further 6 more months to take right decision. Hope that, by that time you may come to the conclusion with parents blessings. Please don't hurt your parents in this step and convince the situation with that guy too. you people should sit together and have to talk all matters and then you can conclude it...
Salaam Sister Leyla and SisterZ
Yesterday my mum spoke to me. She started the conversation asking me what I had decided. She said life can’t go on like this, with me just living in the house as if it’s a boarding house. I come down just for meals and quickly eat something and go back to my room. She said I don’t have to live in this misery the way I am. Even when I’m ill there’s no way to treat myself properly and she feels that she has lost the right to come and inquire how I am. She said at least if I’m married to him he will look into my well being. She repeatedly kept telling me I should make arrangements to get married to him. I told her that if it means that I have to be disconnected from them I just can’t go ahead. She said that it will be difficult at the outset but I will get used to it with time. She also said that like my father says may be with time we may connect again but that only God knows. She said that my way of thinking is different from theirs and that we don’t seem to see things in the same way. She said, “may be we are old fashioned or narrow minded but that’s the way we are”. She said even though my father had even sort of agreed to me marrying someone of their choice she’s not agreeable to that. She said “you don’t have to be miserable for the rest of your life. I can’t guarantee that I will be able to find someone who will suit your requirements so if you are unhappy for the rest of your life even we will be unhappy. At least if you go marry this person and you are happy we will be happy for you.” My mum also said it’s not that they have no feelings. “It’s because we have feelings that we are telling you to go ahead. After all this time of having feelings for someone you can’t just switch out of it so easily” she says.
She said I had continued to go on with this idea knowing that they will not be agreeable. I told her “yes may be I thought that you’ll would agree and accept and that’s what I prayed for”. She said they just can’t accept. But they say I’m not doing any wrong.
My sisters spoke to me thereafter and they also kept telling me to go ahead. They said that I’m not doing anything wrong even though I would have hurt and betrayed my parents. They said with time things may come around. But me staying in the house with no talk amongst us is not going to help things progress. They say at least if I get married and move on and I’m happy, they will be happy and if Allah destines we can come together with time. Our parents can be very hurtful and they say things sometimes as if we have no feelings whatsoever. So how much of it are we supposed to stomach they ask. Apparently my parents had even considered consulting an adult in the family to ask their advice on this matter but unfortunately there’s no one they can approach. Then my father had said, “yeah but if it’s an opinion we are seeking then we know that she is not doing anything wrong”.
My mum and sister kept saying Ramazan is coming and that it will be difficult for them to fast with this cloud over the head. So I’m supposed to start thinking soon.
Now I’m left to decide sister. My mum said I should get some guts and make up my mind to proceed. I’m in such a dilemma sister. I only dreamt of marrying this guy upon his conversion and with the blessings of my parents. Now they are telling me to go. They are not agreeable to me marrying someone of their choice neither are they agreeable to me staying single.
I prayed Istikara yesterday also and the feeling inside me was to go ahead and inshallah they will come around with time. But I’m scared. My mum had said something to my father saying, “If she cared about our feelings she should have thought about it before getting into this mess”.
I genuinely thought that they would come around. Especially my father. But I was wrong, I was so wrong in thinking so.
Even if I’m to go ahead I don’t know the detailed Islamic procedures for getting married. I told my sisters that. They said that they will tell my parents that. At one point my father said he would come to the registrar’s office but I’m not sure if he will still do that. My sisters may ask on my behalf but I don’t know what the outcome will be.
The thought of me moving out on my own is scary. We will have to look for a place to live on rent for the moment. Then my things have to be moved out. When I think about all of it, it just kills.
Wassalaam
Fathima
Fathima, Asalaamualaikum
My dear sister, I completely understand the dilemma you are in and in the mixed thoughts you are having. First of all your parents were refusing to give you any choice in this matter, but now they are giving you a choice but not in the way you had hoped.
It makes one's heart extremely heavy to know their parents are not happy with them. Your parents will never give you 'the completely happy blessings' you are looking for to actually initiate nikah with this brother because their culture, upbringing and personal views do not sync with your choice. However, even your parents have admitted that they know you are doing nothing wrong by wanting to marry a revert brother. Even they are feeling heavy hearted over this. So it seems that they are very slowly changing their thought process. This idea was once upon a time alien to them - but they are giving it thought now because they have been forced to - thats not a bad thing Fathima.
The fact that they have given you some go ahead means that they are coming around to the idea and they will inshaAllah come around to the idea even more after you get married. I think that this is the furthest they can push themselves in this matter and you will have to do the rest.
Take strength from the fact that your sisters are backing you completely, that your parents have admitted that you are doing nothing wrong and that your mother said that ultimately she just wants to see you happy. You have struggled this far and I can see a happy ending in all this inshaAllah.
Would it be possible for you to invite an Imaam to your house to try and speak to your parents? If someone, preferably a third party (family member, friend or Imaam) they respect gives them some backing and support, it will ease their discomfort. When they see that others are happy to accept such a different type of marriage, they may feel better about it.
Maybe you feel a little blank at times, that happens when the pressure takes its toll. Just take a breather and don't make any decisions at such times. Wait for the pressure to subside and then re-assess how you are feeling inshaAllah.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
Dear SisterZ, Assalamualaikum
Thank you so much for your immediate reply.
Unfortunately there is no one I/we know whom we can get involved to speak to my parents. I've also been hoping that someone comes into our lives whom we can ask to speak and discuss the matter with my parents. But unfortunately there isn't anyone.
When I related yesterdays conversation to some of my friends they also told me that it seems like my parents have given it a thought but they are indirectly asking for time to get accustomed to the whole thing.
I guess that means that with Almighty Allah's blessings and guidance I will have to start preparing to take the next steps forward. Many a times I do feel blank. I just wonder why I had to get into such a mess. But when I think about being able to live an Islamic life with this person and inshallah to be able to be there for my parents and sisters my heart seems to lighten a bit. That's all I ask for. I just want to be there for them as a daughter and a sister.
I can only pray to Almighty Allah to make the way easy for me and for us all.
Please do remember me in your duas sister.
Jazakallah
Salaams and regards
Fathima
Fathima, focus on these words of yours:
'But when I think about being able to live an Islamic life with this person and inshallah to be able to be there for my parents and sisters my heart seems to lighten a bit'.
Alhumdulillah, your focus is in the right direction - it appears to be for the sake of Islam, hence for the sake of Allah.
Sometimes you will feel blank. You may be asking yourself 'Why didnt I just avoid such a situation when I knew my parents would not be happy, I'm making life hard for myself and for my parents. Furthermore, am I displeasing Allah by displeasing my parents?'
Dear Fathima, I want to share something with you as it may help inshaAllah. I wrote to a qualified Imam asking a similar question. Read his reply below:
I ask Allah the Almighty to ease your way and facilitate the best for you
First, pleasing your mother and dealing with her with kindness is an obligation on the other hand choosing your partner according to Qur’an and Sunnah is an obligation as well
So if we have contradiction between two obligations what shall we do?
We try first to reconcile between the two, and in your case this is what you should do.
Try your best to convince her, if it did not work then ask someone whom she respects and admires and listens to him/her and ask him/her to intercede for you to convince her. It might be an elder person in the family, a very dear friend or the local imam or something like that.
At the same time keep doing istikhara and Allah will open the way for you and facilitate the best, but do you best to please your mother and do not upset her as much as you could
Without doubt the final choice is yours and this is your life, and no one has the right to decide on your behalf.
Ask Allah to give you the right choice
Salam
Fathima, I hope that was of some help to you inshaAllah. If you live in the UK, there are alot of very good Imaams here. I can put you in touch with them if you want inshaAllah.
Your parents do seem to be coming around to the idea. Give them time, what could be better than having them present at your wedding Alhumdulillah - and with peace in their hearts. Keep being patient and keep on being good to your parents at the same time inshaAllah.
It seems that Allah is already soften their hearts :O), may Allah soften everyone's hearts to the right way, Aameen.
SisterZ
xxx
Dearest SisterZ
Thank you for sharing that advice with me. It definitely was reassuring. Unfortunately I am not from UK and I come from a country in South Asia. Over here we hardly find learned people whom we can approach on such a matter. It's very sad indeed.
I will keep praying that Ya Allah makes the way forward as easy and as pleasant as possible.
Thank you again for everything.
Kind regards
Fathima
Dear Fathima,
I am going through a very similar situation except I have already married out of their choice and divorced as he didnt wish to be with me. My dad will be unwilling to accept a convert from Sikhism as a partner for me even after everything I've been through, and even though this man is a very good practising Muslim. I am just waiting for the right time to tell him but i know how things are going to turn out as my dad is against us marrying out of caste let alone a convert. Im just so distressed with life, only Allah gives me strength. May Allah ease your pain and give you courage to do whats right for you. Ameen
Praying for you and all other distressed Muslims out there.
A
xxx
Salaam Fathima,
It sounds to me like they have come around. You have said that they have accepted that you are not doing anything wrong, that they don't really like it, but that they will get used to it in time. Sure, they added some guilt trips in there (they are parents after all) but it sounds very positive to me, and I am having a hard time finding any badness in it. They give their blessing, they want to have a good relationship with you and said go ahead, so really...go ahead!
MashaAllah, your family really are showing a lot of love and acceptance to you - perhaps you cannot see it in the midst of their upset, but they have reached the testing stage of the cycle, and the next stage is acceptance.
MashaAllah, I am very happy for you, and think its time to invite the boy over and book your appointment with the mosque inshaAllah,
Peace,
L
PS the Islamic procedure for marriage is for the boy to come to your home with his parents and ask for you, after which, if you and your parents agree to it - an appointment is booked at the mosque you would like to get married in.
At the mosque the minimum that you need is your parents, a Wali to represent you and witnesses.
There will be a sermon on marriage, and then your agreement will be asked for. Once you have given it, you are married, a certificate is signed and you are husband and wife.
In some countries you will also be required to get a civil marriage certificate from your government for the marriage to be valid, in which case you would call up whomever the department of your government dealing with marriage is and book an appointment for someone to conduct your marriage.
After the ceremonies of marriage, many cultures have a celebration of some kind, although Islamically it is not required to do this.
Salaam Sister Leyla
I wish I could agree with your words "your parents have accepted it". True enough my mum kept telling me to go ahead last Sunday. So I actually started searching for places to move out into. In the mean time we got in touch with a friend of mine to help this boy with his conversion. During the visit my name came up and being the small world it is those people know my father and they were thinking of approaching him and speaking to him. But I was scared coz I wasnt sure how my parents would react if some outsider came and gave them advice. On Saturday night my sister mentioned these names to my parents just to see if they knew them.
My parents didnt react well. I think only at this point did my father actually digest the fact that I'm actually going ahead. All this time he was still hoping that things wouldn't go ahead. He thought that this boy had purposefully mentioned his name. But that isn't true and we explained it to them.
After I explained why he had gone to meet these people my father said," so they can arrange the marriage also noh coz we cant get involved. Bad enough you have socially embarrassed us it will be like rubbing mud on our face if we have to be there."
So now the stand is, they are telling me to go ahead, they say I'm not doing anything wrong to God Almighty even though I've wronged them, they say they give their permission (my mum says she gives her permission but blessings she doesn't know) and they are not prepared to get involved in my marriage.
Sister Leyla how am I to proceed with it?
If my father is not willing to be present as my wali and in this country we dont have the kind of set up where you can approach an Imam to act as ones wali. At the same time if I ask people no one will want to take that responsibility. So then what do I do? How do I go about it?
There is no way that the boys parents can come and ask my parents permission coz they dont even want him to set foot into the house.
But they say they give their permission. I'm just so lost. i cant understand what to do.
If it is a civil marriage you only need the boy and girl and two witnesses who need not be male and muslim even. I'm trying to do things the Islamic way but if I am not getting the support then is it ok if I go ahead with a civil marriage?
Please advise me. I dont have anyone else to clear these questions from.
Jazakallah
Wassalam
Fathima
Salaam my sister
If I were in your situation I would tell my parents that they are giving me mixed signals, and that I want them to give me a definite answer and not play mind games with me. They either give their blessing, or they don't - they cant say one thing and mean another thing. I would say "you told me to go ahead and so I am" - if they don't want you to go ahead they should say so, and be straight in what they are saying.
It will not be like rubbing mud in their face if they are not there. I understand that they are not 100% overjoyed by it all - but also when someone says "go ahead" it can only mean "go ahead".
All this mixed signals is going to make you all crazy - they have to be direct, straight and say what they mean to say.
Playing mind games and trying reverse psychology is no good - they have to snap out of this now.
Peace,
L
Salaam Sister Leyla
I understand that my parents are hurt and angry. But is it fair that they can be so hard on us? This morning when I went to tell my father before leaving for work there was another flare up.
He said," you've stabbed your mother in her back and betrayed her. After all she has done for you this is what you did. He said he hated this boy so much that he feels like getting hold of some people to get him killed and he's prepared to go to hell for that. He says I'm the cause of his Iman getting weak. Just because he is a Tamil he said, he's a terrorist and the tamil is written on his face. He said I can get together with him and join the terrorist group. He said my life will be miserable with him and I will suffer. He called me all sorts of names. He told me if something happens to him I will be the cause of it. I will not be informed about his funeral and it will be haram for me to attend it.
I'm sick and tired of them. What on earth do they mean then when they say we give our permission?
He said I have no religion in me.
If I'm going to hell then it would not make a difference if I end my life noh sister. i will be punished for that also. I just cant take it anymore. Even if I give it all up I just dont know how I can live in that house. It will be pure misery.
My fathers either about a person accepting Islam is changing his name, doing the circumcision. He was like," he has to do all that I dont even know if he knows that". From what I have read and learned changing the name is only required if his current name means something which can cause any association with God Almighty or if it is not in line with Islam and circumcision is a sunnah not a farl. please correct me if I'm wrong sister. That's not the essence of acceptance of Iman.
Its really hard sister its really hard. The only reason I have not ended my life is because it's against Islam if not by now I would have.
Fathima
Asalaamualaikum Fathima,
Sister, hold in there. Alhumdulillah for banishing the suicidal thoughts from your mind. That is shaytaan telling you that you are not strong enough, when in fact you are strong, as you have already come this far with Allah's help.
Deep down, your father knows that he is completely wrong. I'll tell you a short story.
I attend an Islamic College; two individuals from there wanted to marry - a born Muslim sister and a revert brother. The sister's father (who I think was also an Imam) was unwilling to proceed. So the Sheikh of the college (the same Sheikh who gave the advice in one of the previous posts I sent you) tried to convince the father. The Sheikh was able to vouch for the revert brother as this brother had been attending his classes for a long time; hence he told the man that the revert would make a good husband for his daughter.
It unfolded that the father knew there was nothing religiously wrong with his daughter marrying a revert brother, but he just refused to have a 'white' son in law. So his objection was based on nothing but pure rascism. The father still objected and the couple went ahead and got married.
Fathima - I would highly recommend that you search for a qualified Imaam. Even if that means you find one in another town. It may change your father's opinion, it may not. You say that where you live, there is not set up for an Imaam to act as your wali, but how do you know? If you find an Imaam who is following Islam properly, he may try to help you inshAllah.
SisterZ
Salaam Fathima,
No its not fair, but if everyone was fair the world would not be as it is.
You are fighting this battle alone - its you against your parent's fear and imagination. Its hard for a parent to deal with their child's rebellion, but the day when you make your own decisions has to come - its an important part of human development, and very healthy for you to gain your independence, leave the home and build a life for yourself with your husband.
The Prophet (pbuh) said: "If someone of good character and conduct proposes to your daughters, marry them. If you do not, there will be mischief and great corruption on Earth". (Kulayni and Tirmidhi)
It is wrong of them to say there is no religion in you - this is all emotional bullying using fear and guilt to try and override you. There is no verse, no hadith that says "marry someone of your own race".
At the moment, you are fighting this battle alone - it's time to get the boy involved to see if he can approach your parents and speak to them, maybe accompanied by a Tamil Imam instead of his parents to make sure there is no harm to him and to maintain the focus of any conversation to the appropriate subjects for marriage.
Peace,
L
Salaam Sister Leyla and SisterZ,
Last night my sisters pounced on me. My parents had inquired from them what was happening with me and they had said that they are not sure. At this my parents had snapped at them and they took it out on me. After my father shouted at me on Tuesday I have been undecided if to proceed or not. Even though they say go ahead we give our permission, for him to flare up at me the way he did obviously in their hearts they do not approve.
In the weekend I was speaking to my youngest sister and I even put it forward to her whether I should call it all off. She kept saying it’s of no use coz I shouldn’t be miserable for the rest of my life etc.
Yesterday however when they spoke to me they said the following:
“After the first flare up two years ago how did you think this was going to work out?” My answer to this to date is that for two years I hoped and prayed that he would accept Islam and that my parents would come around. Personally I don’t see any wrong in wanting to marry a convert. After all I know how this guy progressed and studied Islam on his own. They say that if he was an honourable person after the first flare up he would have moved away. How am I supposed to make them understand? He told me not to give my parents hope because that will make things difficult later if we are to go ahead but I had no way out. It all depended on the fact of whether he was able to accept Islam or not and that was something he had to do on his own. So I needed to buy for time and that’s why I even let my parents entertain proposals coz I didn’t have anything concrete in hand. Of course I prayed that there be something genuinely not suitable in all the proposals they put forward.
My sisters are of the view that there is no such thing as only one person is meant for you. I may be wrong but only someone who feels for somebody will understand that there can only be that one person in your life. They say there are other guys out there. So they expect me to be able to just put this out of my mind and move on.
They ask me if it’s worth to sacrifice everyone else just for this one person. My father is 65 yrs old and they ask me “don’t you want to be there for him when he needs you the most? If you go ahead you’ll only be able to ask us over the phone how he is? Is that what you want after all he has done for us?”
That’s not what I want sisters. My prayer was that this person accepts Islam and that my parents come around and accept him. I never wanted to make a choice of one or the other and that’s why I am finding it difficult to progress too.
But no one seems to see it from my point of view. For them I’m the one in the wrong for having let my feelings for this person go this far. I can’t help but ask what is so wrong in what I’m asking for? When the first flare up happened two years ago my father even told me that my mother had mentioned to him, “if only this boy was from a Muslim family we could have considered something more”. But now when he has accepted Islam they cannot accept him.
From the way they spoke to me it was basically telling me to think twice. Of course my feelings are not a matter for anyone. They think I’m infatuated with this person. Just because my sisters friends (who are non-Muslims) may be changing boyfriends like changing T-shirts that does not mean we are like that. We didn’t have feelings for anyone else prior to this. And we only thought that something more may be possible when we saw him drawing towards Islam. We are not fickle minded individuals who can just switch on and off at the drop of a hat. But they don’t seem to understand.
If I end up calling it off I will only be doing it for my parents’ sake. I’m not doing it for God’s sake coz I don’t believe that I was asking for anything wrong in marrying a convert. I will be doing it just for them. I know that my life will be a living hell. I will hate the word love. Life will have no meaning for me. I will see it from the point that one can only be happy if everyone else is happy if not one is not entitled to be happy. Happiness is relative. When someone is happy someone else is definitely unhappy. Even parental love is conditional. They will only love you and care for you if you dance to their tune. Even when it comes to something like this that is to affect our future, we have to do things to make them happy if not they wont let us be happy.
Within me I know I will find it really difficult to even consider someone else but I know that they will start pressurizing me to get married if I decide to call this off. I don’t know what to look for in a suitor coz I have no wants in me. So I will just end up agreeing to anyone they put in front of me.
I’m beginning to question things. This much of hate and anger for what…. I thought parents only wanted their children to be happy but that definitely is not so.
I’m fed up with life and everyone around me………..
Fathima
Dear Fathima, Asalaamualaikum,
I am sorry things are so difficult for you and I completely understand your predicament.
Your sisters made you feel as though they would be your backbone, but now they seem to have withdrawn their support too. They have seen your parent's feelings of steadfast opposition and that has scared them into submission. They would be happy if your parents agreed but because they are not budging, its easier for your sisters to pressure you to give in on your side. But, really they would be happier if your parents willingly accepted your choice.
It is unfair for your sisters to withdraw their support now, but remember the way you want your parents to be happy, they also want the same. You want to marry this man with your parents' happiness and it is clear from your justified attachment to their feelings that if they do not give their pleasure and support you will be very discontent and unhappy. You are holding on to two ropes here, one of your parents whom you love for the sake of Allah and one of this man whom you also love for the sake of Allah. But your sisters do not understand the feelings you have developed over time for this man as he is understandably nothing to them; they only see their feelings for their parents.
You feel torn between two things, your parents and your choice of marriage - two things that you feel can bring you closer to Allah. But theres a conflict between the two, or rather a one sided conflict. There is nothing wrong with what you want; but your family are polluting every innocent and pious feeling you have felt for this person; leaving you with nothing but a cloud of confusion surrounding your aims and goals and immense bitterness.
Its at times like this that you wish The Prophet (may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him) was here to give judgement. How amazing it was in the his(pbuh) time, that almost every occurence in his(pbuh) life caused an Ayah from the Quran to be revealed. These Ayahs spoke against traditions and culture, discrimination and abominations and established Divine law in place, set in stone to guide us to live a good and just life. People listened to the Prophet(pbuh) when he(pbuh) conveyed Allah's message to us, but now we want to ignore those words of wisdom because they go against the traditions of our forefathers. Extremely ironic. The Prophet(saw) is not here to be a verbal judge of a situation. So in this case, look to the Quran and Sunnah in search for an answer. There must be a situation that occured similar to yours that will show you what path to take.
Fathima, I think maybe you should leave things for a while. Let things calm down. Keep praying to Allah, wake up at night when Allah(swt) comes down from His Throne (swt) - to listen to us and to help us. Implore to Him(swt) to show you a way and to clear your path. I will not advise you to up and leave and to marry without your parent's real blessings as I know that great emphasis is placed on pleasing our parents. You cannot marry without a wali either and since your father is alive, you want your father to be your wali inshaAllah. So dear sister, take time out, don't bring up the subject for a while. At the same time, don't see other proposals if your heart is not in it as this is unfair to the other men and you will be lying to yourself and to your parents. If your mother brings up the subject, be honest with her. Tell her exactly how you feel. I am hoping that inshaAllah Allah(swt) will soften your parents' hearts and they will realise with time that they need to find a positive way forward. It would be so helpful if an elder in your family gave you support - is there no uncle, aunt, older cousin, grandparent etc who can help you forward? I will push you to find an imaam again too if you can. Where in India do you live?
Whatever you do, continue being good to your parents. I know it must be so very hard for you to do this at this time, but you know something? I think the biggest test here is not about you securing your husband, but rather about your patience and connection with Alllah. Whatever you decide, make the choice with Allah in mind. If Allah makes a way for you to marry this man in a halaal and pleasing manner, do it for Allah's sake. If you choose it is in the best to leave this man, to maintain good relations with your parent's, then this too will be for sake of Allah, as Allah stresses to be good to your parents. Whatever you do, do it for Allah; then inshaAllah you will have some comfort.
***
You said that if you do not marry this man, you will just accept any proposal your parents put to you. Fathima, to this I will say very firmly - that this would not be for the sake of Allah on your behalf but would be because you are feeling self pity. I know that may sound harsh, but it is very true. If we are going to talk about doing things for Allah' sake, then it must be in all areas, not just used to justify the things we want (and I say this to myself too). I know we are human and we all have feelings which fuel us to do things in anger, pity, bitterness etc, but stop and do not make decisions in a state of emotion. This is a difficult thing to do when emotions are running high, but disciplining yourself at such very difficult times is what Allah refers to as 'Sabr'. Do you not read the other posts on IslamicAnswers.com? People have married for the wrong reasons and are now struggling and hence writing to us here. So stop, think and make a calculated decision. If after your attempts and struggles and prayers, your parents do not give you their true blessing and if you cannot see yourself being able to have a happy or blessed marriage with this man due to this, then it may be time for you to make a strong decision to cut off.
That does not mean you martyr your whole life to marrying another person for the wrong reason - that would be unfair on the other man too. It means you try, try and try to rebuild yourself again and work on healing the wounds from this loss and ask Allah to replace your loss with something better. You do not rush into another relationship, you just work on gathering and strengthening yourself inshaAllah.
Fathima - try to relax for sometime, remind yourself that everything happens with the will of Allah. You are making an effort and can only do so much. Allah is The Greatest of Planners. Put your trust in Him(swt) that whichever way He(swt) guides you will be for your best inshaAllah.
Keep writing to us dear Sister and keep sharing your thoughts with us, I pray that Allah(swt) gives us the great fortune of being able to help you. I also pray that Allah(swt) makes us wise enough to give you the right advice and to not mislead you inshaAllah. May Allah make this difficult time easy for you and reward your for you pious intentions.
Please mention me in your prayers,
May Allah be with you,
SisterZ
xxx
Dearest SisterZ
Assalaamu-alaikum
Firstly I thank you once again for taking the time and trouble to reply me. You are definitely remembered in my prayers.
SisterZ, I actually approached my aunt and told her the entire story. She basically told me to pray and ask God Almighty to make things easy for everyone and to show us the correct way forward. But she will not be willing to come forward and approach my parents on this matter coz she wouldn’t want to upset her relationship with them.
A cousin of mine who is older than me knows the entire story. She is very supportive and she strongly feels that I should not give it all up. She says, “10 years down the line everyone will move on with their lives and I’ll be stuck in my misery”.
SisterZ what upsets me the most is that, I only want to be able to live an Islamically happily married life with this person. I am constantly reading the other posts on the site to get an understanding of others in similar situations. One thing I’ve realized is that it’s not easy to just make one’s self happy in a marriage. Your heart and soul have to be in it. If not it’s better that you don’t get married. If I have to give up everything I would find it very difficult to be in a relationship with someone else coz I would be without feelings. It’s like I’ll be just existing coz I am. We are not machines where we can just switch our feelings from one direction to another.
I mean at the end of the day don’t parents want to see their children happy? Wouldn’t they be happy if with Allah’s blessings and mercy, their child is happily living with someone who loves her, takes care of her and provides for her just as a good husband should? Are my feelings of no consideration in this matter?
The second story you told me about where a girl wanted to marry a revert brother is very similar to my situation. Her father was refusing due to racism and they went ahead and got married. Within me I feel that my parents are also refusing on similar grounds but I don’t have the strength to just take off. If you ask them to list down what they hate about this person they would say, “Knowing that we wouldn’t like it or approve of it he went ahead and tried to win our daughter” and they hate that fact. They also doubt his conviction which I think is entirely unfair. Is this argument acceptable I ask?
If a person likes your daughter for who she is and respects her for who she is, then is it wrong for a person to like her? Also anything further could only be considered if he was convinced with the Deen and was prepared to accept, which Mashallah he did.
Even though all this is going through my mind sometimes I just wonder if I should give it all up just to keep everyone else happy. I know I will regret for life but if I do take this course the only way I can make it easy for myself is if I decide to do it for Allah’s sake just as you said. All my dreams and hopes will be shattered but I guess what’s to be done.
The sad thing is while we have to be considerate about others feelings no one seems to care about ours. That’s what really hurts and one can’t help but think what an unfair world it is.
Anyway SisterZ thank you so much for tolerating me and lending me an ear. It helps at least to be able to pen one’s thoughts without keeping them all bottled in.
May Allah bless you for all the time you spend sharing your advice with me. Please do pray for me.
Wassalam
Love and regards
Fathima
Walaikumsalaam dear Sister,
Hold tight for a while and use this down time to pray. If your parents see that you are adamant, they will be forced to change their minds at some point inshaAllah. I know you have developed feelings for this person, so do your utmost to keep this completely halaal all the time as if this was to be pollluted, you would lose complete confidence and aim in this matter. Alhumdulillah you will not just get up and leave; I would never recommend that to anyone.
The story that I narrated to you about the two who married against the wishes of the father may have been in different circumstances. They lived in the UK and had a very well known knowlegdable Imaam backing them. It is good that your aunt and cousin know. Would your cousin be able to stand up for you?
When you hear your parents saying things which make no sense and are hurtful and ignorant, you must learn to ignore them. Taking each thing personally will only wind you up. Instead ask Allah to give them hidaayah and to understand you.
All this is pushing you to your limits right? It is pushing you to exert in sabr, reasoning, logic, better communication - and in doing so you are creating awareness of a situation that has been brushed under the carpet in our communities for too long - one of practising culture over Islam. Your parents say they 'believe', so now they are being forced to question this statement and in a way so are you. We are all content with our level of belief until we are pushed in a situation. These tests are what pass or fail us all.
I'll leave you with another inspiring story to read. Its a story based on simple, sweet, innocent and unpolluted love which leads to marriage. Its about Musa(as) and his wife Safurah.
http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/musa-safurah-a-courtship-a-romance/comment-page-1/#comment-1
Where do you live Fathima? I have been of the impression that you live in India.
SisterZ
Dear SisterZ
My cousin will back me but once again she feels her voice will not be heard by my parents. That's the unfortunate part. I live in Sri Lanka Sister. Thank you once again for all the advice given. I will inshallah visit the link you sent me.
Fi Amanillah
Fathima
MaashaAllah your cousin has the strength to back you. If Allah Wills, He will increase your family backing. Build on this Fathima. Do you mind telling me which area of Sri Lanka you live in; as I just remembered I have a Muslim friend who's family migrated from Pakistan to Sri Lanka some 60 years ago. They are a practising family maashAllah and so may know of some good Imaams to put you in contact with inshaAllah.
Lets see inshaAllah.
x
Dear sis Fathima
assalamalaikum
i am in a same situation like u. Can u please tell me what hapnd 2 u. Did u mary hm? Are u happy? Are ur parents ok?
Please do share ur story after that. Plz. And if any of the other sis knw then also do share. Waithng.
Allah hafiz
Dear SisterZ
Would you have a personal email address to which I can write to you? Please do not misunderstand me for asking this.
Jazakallah
Fathima
Fathima,
I'll email you inshaAllah.
I have been gripped whilst reading about Fathima's emotional turmoil. I was reading, not out of interest but because this sounds like my life at the moment and my advice to you Fathima is to hang in there. I have been 'fighting' my parents for their blessings to marry my boyfriend (of almost 10 years) for over a year now. Throughout this time, my relationship with my parents has gone from being one of good friends to being father/mother and daughter who tolerate one another. It's sad that our parents feel the need to do this to us, despite what religion dictates. In my instance, my parents are refusing to meet my boyfriend because he is not educated (whilst I have a PhD) and he is from a different part of India to my parents. I am british through and through and as much as I hate to admit it, I have lived like a Brit. I moved out of my parents home at the age of 18 and returned 10 years later when a new job meant living with my parents would help me save for us to buy a marital home.
If I am honest, I always knew that my boyfriends lack of education would be a bone of contention for my parents but like you Fathima, I had always hoped they would see past this and see my happiness. I have tried talking to them time and time again, tried explaining why I love him so, why I am not willing to let go but all of this to no avail. My parents are angry as they feel betrayed. According to them, they gave me the freedom to live life on my own terms but that was based on the trust they had in me and now I have lost it all. I have been told I had no right to choose my own partner. Is it fair for my parents to expect that I would never meet someone of my own accord? I have been told to choose between him and my parents but I want them both. I keep thinking, "This is about my life, and yet no matter what I decide I lose someone I love. How is this fair?" Thankfully, the best thing to have come out of this is that I have turned to Allah for guidance and to prayer for some peace and solace. I do not socialise with friends in the same manner as before and instead stick to sociable meals and the odd film at sociable times. Whislt I would not have thought twice about walking into the house past midnight, I no longer feel able to do so and perhaps this is my punishment for the life I have lived to date. I only pray and hope that one day, my parents will willingly agree to meet my boyfriend and hopefully agree for us to marry. I know there is no other man for me, but like you Fathima, I feel like I have my parents to thank for my successes in life. Mashallah, they have given me all money can buy and for that I am grateful. But now, I feel like I am being held random to their acts of kindness. I always thought parental love was unconditional but I am fast learning that it isn't. Not in my culture anyway. Parents give to us so that they are able to reap the rewards of this later in life. My dad has even referred to me as a business investment, one that he now expects a return from. Mashallah, whilst my boyfriend is not educated, he is a very successful businessman who pays his due to the government. Despite this, my dad refers to his wealth as drugs money, which I think is rather unfair.
It is both reassuring and upsetting to read and hear of other people in the same situation. We as a generation have changed much of the misconceptions the older generation have. Unfortunately when it comes to marriage, culture has the upper hand. Hopefully, one day, we will have successfully eradicated these racist and prejudiced attitudes but meanwhile, we must suffer for what we believe in. When you feel your resolve weaken, you must remind yourself of why you love him, of why your fighting. Inshallah, one day, you'll come through this and once you're married, no one will remember this fight.
I hope this helps.
Sabina
Dear Sabina
Assalaamualaikum
Thank you for the taking the trouble to leave a comment. I sincerely hope and pray that your parents come around. From where I stand your situation would have been an easier one than mine. Why I say this is because my dad even made a statement to my sisters after this happened saying that they can bring any born muslim boy from a muslim family even if he is a peon in office but not any convert. My dad is a Phd too. My sisters are well educated and still pursuing their studies. So I'm thinking if he were asked an opinion about your situation he might have agreed coz he has given that impression in what he told them. But then again if they are actually faced with the situation I wonder if they will stand by their word? After all I'm now seeing a different side of them.
It's a very difficult situation sister. On one side you love your parents and are ever grateful for everything they have done and on the other you love this person who you want to share your life with. I too have come to realize that parental love is definitely not unconditional. It comes with a lot of conditions and it's in a situation like this that you realize it. But whatever happens they are our parents and we can only pray that God softens their hearts.
I pray that Allah makes our ways easy for us and gives us all what is best.
Fi'amanallah
Fathima
do ISTAKHARA sabina . it will work . go ahead with it . may allah softens your parants heart .
Assalaamu alaikum SisterZ
It's been a long time since I wrote. Just want to let off some steam from my chest.
Life is miserable. I hate going home. It's such a hell-hole.
From the beginning of this year it's been hell. My parents always put long faces and talk only when they have to or when they need something done.
Yesterday an uncle of mine had almost come in for a heart attack. My dad kept saying,"sin noh, he has so many worries, so much of tension etc". Indirectly trying to get the point across to us that they are also under stress and (God forbid) it could happen to them as well. I just acted as if I didnt get it. They only think about their stress and their worries. They never think that by emotionally abusing us and pressurizing us into marrying their donkeys, that we are going thru hell and if we have to end up doing what they want we will end up crying for our entire life. They call us selfish, materialistic, secular and many more.
What they are only God Knows.
I just wish I could run away.
If we end up doing as per their wishes (i.e. giving up our choice of persons and marrying whom they want) we are the ones who suffer. On the other hand if we dont marry the person of our choice and stay unmarried coz we cant take the pressure of marrying against our choice and at the sametime dont want to marry without their blessings, again we are the ones who suffer coz they make everyday of our life a misery.
Sometimes I think at least if I get married to this guy and get out of that house it might be pleasanter and peaceful for me.
We keep worrying about them but they really dont care about us.
It's such an unfair world.
Fathima
Dear Fathima,
Sorry for the late acknowledgement. Thank you for updating us with your situation. Your following statement is how alot of our sisters are feeling:
"If we end up doing as per their wishes (i.e. giving up our choice of persons and marrying whom they want) we are the ones who suffer. On the other hand if we dont marry the person of our choice and stay unmarried coz we cant take the pressure of marrying against our choice and at the sametime dont want to marry without their blessings, again we are the ones who suffer coz they make everyday of our life a misery."
I have been talking to you throughout this situation of yours so I know you are going through a very difficult time and I feel for you. I wish I had the answer and solution to solving your problem as its so widespread and heartbreaking aswell. The pain is so unnecessary. Your parents, my parents, our parents - they do care in their own strange diluted sort of way. Problem is, they are viewing the world through a completely different window to the one you and I are looking through.
I personally think you will eventually marry the revert Muslim you are interested in and your parents will end up accepting it. They've had enough time to get over the shock, but they just don't want to admit it incase it materializes. In the meantime, just try to keep yourself busy otherwise the thinking will drive you crazy. Its all a test - albeit a difficult one.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
Hello there Fathima and Sisterz. You and I are facing about the same problem, just the other round in reverse. I am a Christian girl in plans of getting married to a Muslim man, who has been my boyfriend for less than a year. My parents are totally against it. As you may see, my family are very staunch Christians. I have been brought up that way as well. However, as a Chinese who don't speak a single word of my dialect, I have had my share of discrimination in the world. ANd such, I have had plenty of Malay-Muslim friends and have had the influence of the religion on me for a very long time. For me, embracing Islam is not something I am not willing to do because I am open to learning more about the beauty of it. In return, I would never discriminate the religion I was born with or choose to hate it once I have embraced Islam. My boyfriend is religious and supports me greatly when it comes to teaching me about it and I believe he would definitely lead me the right way. My parents only concern (as they claim) is of course against the once and only religion. I am young (22) and my boyfriend is 16 years my senior but this would be a second marriage for him as his wife had passed away several years ago. I believe he has a good heart and good character as a leader and husband in the family. My parents have said that I am walking into the wrong path and its walking into a trap. They also said I will loose the family. I am near the brink of choosing to marry anyways, without their blessings. WHat would your opinions be? Like sisterz said, I am sure they will eventually accept the fact someday. I'm just worried if they are gonna fall really ill or do something really stupid.
I have read through all these comments to see if I myself could learn from your situation. I'm a european girl who converted into islam 9 years ago. I then decided to move to a muslim country wishing to meet a husband with islamic principles.
Two and a half years ago I met him however his parents are against our marriage because I am not from the country (foreigner in their eyes). Its all so upsetting because i dont want to marry without his parents blessing but the only thing they have against me is that im not from their country! They have met met me and they know what kind of person I am but they dont want soceity to judge them as the family who had to marry a foreigner ( in this country it is only men who need a visa to leave who normally wed foreigners) They feel ashamed and they dont want society to view them as second class citizens. They want their son to marry a girl from their country of a certain family which will bring prestige! I have no prestige Im simply a foreign girl who lives to make their son happy and them too! I have no idea what I need to do!!
I pray istikhara on a daily basis but God brings him closer and closer to me! I do believe that god is guiding me but in the meantime im hurting inside becuase i Know my partner is hurting too. He is between two fires me and the family. May god make this situation easier and may god guide you all sisters.
xxx
SisterB, if you'd like to log in and write your question as a separate post, we might be able to offer some advice for your specific situation Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I tried but I dont know how to use it :(( It doesnt allow me to post it 🙁 Im not very IT savy. Thank you WAel
As salamu alaykum Sister B,
If you want to post, you have a link on top of the page that says: How to submit a post.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
AS SALAM U ALAIKUM SISTERS
here i am goin2 share a link which will b helpful to you all.
IN SHA ALLAH O TAALA.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFW4F-R5wn4
do check dis link & reply to my id.
JAZAKALLAH KHAIR.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFW4F-R5wn4
sisters in tha above link u'get get ur anwsers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B17gB3Sik48
I also heard this so if my partner thinks I am the one to fight for he will do it if he doesnt then I must submit to Gods will. Thank you all sisterB