IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Salaam.
I dont know where to began. It started 2 years back in august 2012 when I was doing my A-levels' second year.

Dont judge me wrong please. I try not to indulge in any type of  obvious sins I mean like listening to music, watching movies or going to co- teenage parties. I wear an abaya, a scarf and started naqab recently and keeping up with it alhamdulillah with the help of Allah.

I wont say that life was unfair to me but rather I was being unfair to who I am, surpassing all the bounds I've kept to keep away from the temptations of this world.

I was sitting in my class (my first "co-business class") and this guy stepped in the class. I thought to myself "wow subhanAllah such a wonderful creation of God he is!" But I ignored him as I don't talk to guys. Some days later another shocking scene took place: I'm sitting in the class busy writing notes, not even bothering to see who's around me. I hear a voice behind me and there he was asking me my name and am I new to the school or not and yes we started talking afterwards until then he proposed me by asking me whether I would like to be his future wife or not and yes of course I accepted his proposal. (The way shaytaan entered my mind)

I was in Pakistan that time when this happened and then I went to Saudi Arabia where I live. Then after 1 month or so we broke up as he said long distance relationships dont work and also because... I refused to meet him.

When I came home from school (the school in Saudi Arabia - the one I attended after that one) and when I read his break-up message I was so happy and went directly into sajdah.

Throughout my relationship with him I felt empty, I felt something was missing, I felt this big stone of sins on my head and I wasn't at ease at all. I wanted to break up but how? And look subhanAllah how Allah helped me.

After a few months later by Allah's will I went back to that same school although I did not want to go! I couldn't tell my parents of course, so what could I have done except  staying a mile away from him in school and praying to Allah to help me to get out of this psychological trauma I was in. I started getting stressed out around him. I never knew and still dont know whether he was or still is serious about me. This scares me as it will affect my relation with my future husband.

He was sort of protecting me when I was in school - wherever I was he was there. When I would pass by him he would tremble with shame. He was scared of me, I don't know why He respected me or maybe he still does... I don't know, I'm all confused about him.

There were these two instances only where we actually faced each other: 1. Once before our break up we faced each other and he wouldnt let me get out of the class not like he was touching me or anything. I never looked into his eyes out of haya. So that day I looked up and told him to move (I was never co-operative when it came to this kind of stuff - I hated tbh as it got me far away from Allah alhamdulillah) he said he wanted to say something. (He never looked into my eyes out of respect but when he did he smiled) but I told him to move and so he did and didn't force more. 2. After our break up I was in the class practicing a presentation with a guy alone. he came into the class and said not to close the door and we kept closing it as the outside noises were disturbing. The third time we did he got very angry and said not dare to close it or else he will tell the madam.

When I came back to this school I fully believed that this was all over and that I can relax now. Signs like the ones I mentioned above he showed which resulted in me doubting whether he loved me or not and whether he is serious or not about me.

When I was away to KSA I heard that many girls who liked him and were his friends turned him against me. I was and still am a person who is positive minded so ignored as usual all this negativity.

After completing my A-levels I went back to saudi arabia and by Allah's will I did this 2 years course from alhuda institute. Tbh I joined this aalmaa courae to find me... to find the real me. I regret all the immature-sinful decisions I've made.

I was lost and a dead soul. Quran brought me back to life and now I say alhamdulillah that I am a Muslim and if now I leave Quran I would be a dead person walking on this earth again. I've found the true purpose of life, how to mold it according to the laws of Allah. He's everything and the only thing I have in my life now. It's hard to follow Him now with all the sinful things going around you. Quran has also taught me how to prioritize things.

Now alhamdulillah I dont talk to him at all. I cried nights and still do in front of Allah in the hope that he forgives me and guides me what to do... people say talk to him and get it sorted out but I cant talk to him as this will give the shaytaan a chance to enter into my life again. I can not tell an elder as no one is close to me and no one can be that trusted.

My question is that once I was crying and asking Allah for help regarding him and I don't remember whether the same day or a day or two after that day I saw a dream. The dream was about me and him.

Dream: there were two single beds placed in a L shape. He was lying horizontally with remote control of the tv in his hand on the bed. I came into the room wearing a long black-colored abaya and my hair was opened and very long. My feeling was that type of feeling like the one you have when you have just come from hajj and you are so tired... that type of feeling So I stepped into the room and sat on the other bed not the one on which he was on. In my sitting position both of my feet were up and I had put my head forward like laid it on the bed with my face touching it and then my hair followed it. Then I was very sick sort of and then I went to get off the bed. When my legs were like hanging of the floor then suddenly he jumped up with a little baby girl in his hands and then suddenly my all negative feelings changed to positive and I was like the happiest person on this earth. It was a nice dream.

Now I am confused: I don't know whether he likes me or not, I don't know whether I like him or not and then this dream subhanAllah.

Forgot to tell you my age - I'm right now turning  20 and he is 4 years older than me.

The reason why I was descriptive was so that you are able to answer my question more effectively.

May Allah reward you for your efforts.

Please answer my question asap.

JazakAllah khayran khatheerun

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