Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I converted to Islam, but my fiancee has left me. I feel so alone

Salaam Alaikum,

lonely depressed woman

I am a 22 year old female. I have known a muslim guy for 7 years now. We have had on off relationship for the past 7 years. For the first 3 years we were in a haram relationship. As we got older we realised what we were doing was wrong and he ended our relationship. He is from a Pakistani background and I am from an Indian background. We stopped this relationship and remained friends for 3 years. Last year, this Muslim guy came back to me and declared his love for me and said he would marry me. I had mixed emotions and didn't know whether or not I should allow him back into my life and whether or not I should trust him. He was a respectable/good/well mannered person in my eyes so I agreed to go back to him and I trusted him.

Due to the nature of the relationship, we ended up committing sins again such as kissing when alone. He comes from a strict Muslim background. I come from a Non-Muslim family. I have always had a strong interest in Islam which he knew. All the close friends I have are Muslim and I am very fond of the religion. We used to speak about Islam and I believe he opened my eyes to the truth. I knew then I wanted to become a Muslim and spend the rest of my life with him. He promised me he loved me and that we would be together. I told him that I don't want to commit anymore sins and that I want to do everything the right (halal) way, he told me that he wanted this too. I was excited about my new life as a Muslim. I would stay up for hours researching Islam and I fell in love with the Islamic way of life.

I knew telling my family would always be an issue and I face the risk of them disowning me as their daughter. I took shahada one night earlier this year on my own and began living like a Muslim. My family do not know about my conversion yet but I was planning on telling them in the next year once I finish university, InshaAllah. I always knew I would have the strength to do it with this guys support as he made me believe everything would work out and that he would make his parents understand my situation. I pray to Allah everyday for forgiveness for any past sins me and him have committed. I pray for Allah to make things easy for us both and to bless us and for Allah to make things easy for me when I tell my family about my conversion.

The guy has now turned around and said to me that he can’t marry me as his parents would never allow it and because he wouldn’t be able to make me happy in life. His parents would want him to marry somebody of their choice and they would never accept an Indian daughter-in-law and that he doesn't want me. I feel hurt by this as I would love his mother as if she was my own mother. It feels like my life has come to an end. I love this guy with all of my heart and I trusted him too with all of my heart. I pray 5 times a day and he knows I am of good character. I have changed in so many ways for him and for myself. I am heart broken at the fact that he hasn’t even spoke to his parents about me and he is just leaving me alone now after guiding me and promising me. The thought of him being with somebody else makes me want my life to end.

If he leaves me hanging now, I feel as though I have nothing to live for, the strength to tell my parents about my conversion to Islam has completely gone, I feel like I can’t tell them anymore. And for the past few months I have been bettering myself as a Muslim everyday although I am living in a Non-Muslim environment. If my family disown me I will have nothing and nobody. I am leading a double life in my own home which is heart breaking. I cry and I pray to Allah every day to guide us both but he still pushes me away. I had mentally prepared myself to marry him and live an Islamic life with him and his family and he’s taken the two things I want the most away from me.
What is the right thing to do now Islamically? My world has fallen apart and I am scared my faith and new religion will too. I always knew he would be the one to keep me on the correct straight path and I would always do the same for him.

Please help with what I should do in my situation now

- t

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12 Responses »

  1. Sister T, if you converted to Islam only out of love for a guy, and you were not sincere in your conversion, then your faith will indeed fall apart.

    But if you converted because you believe in Allah, and you believe that Islam is true, then be glad because Allah is still there, Islam is still there, the Quran is still there. All the beauty that you saw in Islam is real.

    I know it's tough when you have planned and imagined an entire future, then it falls apart. It's very painful. But sister, sometimes in order to receive something precious, you must pay a high price. The precious thing you have received is the gift of Islam, and the price you had to pay was your relationship with this man. With time, the pain will lessen and you will be able to forget him and move on.

    I would suggest to you that there is no comparison between the two (Islam and your boyfriend). Islam is much more valuable. So although Allah has taken one thing away from you, He has given you something far, far better.

    And what did you really lose? A man who was not sincere with you, and is not willing to do the right thing, and stand up for truth. In my opinion, Allah has saved you from that situation, and has given you clarity and eyes to see. Now you know a better way, and you can proceed with confidence in your life, knowing that you have guidance from Allah.

    If you're not ready to tell your parents yet, then wait until you are stronger. You need to get involved in Islamic activities and in particular meet some good Muslim sisters, and make friends. That's where your support should come from.

    All of us here are your brothers and sisters as well. We are here to help you, Insha'Allah.

    Wael Editor

  2. Assalamu alaykum Sister t,

    I agree with brother Wael's post. It's just amazing if you read it a few times, insha Allah, you will realize what he is trying to say to you:

    " You gained Islam and you lost someone who could harm the Faith in your heart by being intimate with you".

    Sister t,

    You know something about love? I think you do you, because you said you loved him with your whole heart, you did everything for him etc..

    But in Islam, every act of worship should be for "Allah only". Not even for the Prophet (peace be upon him) then how about this guy?

    17. They make it favour unto thee (Muhammad) that they have surrendered (unto Him). Say: Deem not your Surrender a favour unto me; nay, but Allah doth confer a favour on you, inasmuch as He hath led you to the Faith, if ye are earnest. - Surah Hujurat.

    Have you ever loved Allah, the Superb, as much as you loved this "human" ?

    Allah did a HUGE favor upon you, because after your entry in to Islam, in your ignorance you were doing "shirk" - polytheism again after becoming a monotheist. You were loving a guy with so much love which was due to Allah only.

    165. Yet of mankind are some who take unto themselves objects of worship which they set as) rivals to Allah, loving them with a love like (that which is the due) of Allah (only) Those who believe are stauncher in their love for Allah, that those who do evil had but known, (on the day) when they behold the doom, that power belongeth wholly to Allah, and that Allah is severe in punishment! - Surah Al Baqarah.

    Allah saved you Sister t, Allah saved you here, so do not go back to this polytheism again.

    Sister t, Allah says in Surah Al An'am:

    161. Say: Lo! As for me, my Lord hath guided me unto a straight path, a right religion, the community of Abraham, the upright, who was no idolater.
    162. Say: Lo! my worship and, my sacrifice and my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the Worlds.
    163. He hath no partner. This am I commanded, and I am first of those who surrender (unto Him).

    Allah has no partner in worship, what does this mean?
    My worship, sacrifice, living and dying are for Allah only, what does this mean?

    It means that Pure Religion, the Religion of a Monotheist, is for Allah, not for any partner " no idol, no image, no human (boyfriend - absolute NO), no angels, nothing of the creation of Allah.

    Your religion, acts of worship should be directed to Allah, for Allah, this is how you find acceptance of your efforts with Allah, else all that you do thinking I am a "Muslim", I am doing my 5 prayers etc, but ask yourself first, is it for Allah only or for "someone" else too?

    Many people say, but my love, my bf/gf brought me closer to Allah, but Allah says in Surah Az Zumar:

    3. Surely Pure religion is for Allah only. And those who choose protecting friends beside Him (say): We worship them only that they may bring us near unto Allah. Lo! Allah will judge between them concerning that wherein they differ. Lo! Allah guideth not him who is a liar, an ingrate.

    Sister t, you "built" the foundations of Islam and it's building upon a "weak" base - the guy who left you. Now past is gone. And Allah has saved you from the "wrong doing" which would take place with him.

    It is your turn now, to say thanks to Allah and return the thanks by turning to Him and again start laying the "foundations" of your building of Islam on a solid base - Duty to Allah and seeking His good pleasure, fulfilling His purpose.

    A beautiful example for you is below from Surah Tauba:

    109. Is he who founded his building upon duty to Allah and His good pleasure better; or he who founded his building on the brink of a crumbling, overhanging precipice so that it toppled with him into the fire of hell? Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk.
    110. The building which they built will never cease to be a misgiving in their hearts unless their hearts be torn to pieces. Allah is Knower, Wise.

    Subhaan Allah, what use of words, what clear language, what clear direction has Allah given here. A Straight Path.

    Sister t, the bad part I think is gone, now is the time to raise the bar, to come out stronger from this. To leave these burden of "love" which you have been carrying and to turn to Allah in repentance and in surrender.

    131. When his Lord said unto him (Abraham): Surrender! he said: I have surrendered to the Lord of the Worlds. - Surah Al Baqarah.

    Allah's will has been executed in this matter for now, so accept His will and be of those who surrdender to Him.

    You know something amazing sister, even those who call themselves Muslims question Allah so many times as to "why you did this to me" etc. can that be called Surrender?

    Surrender is to accept Allah's will, this is what Allah willed for me and it has been executed, I surrender to the will of my Lord. I believe most people don't pay heed to what is Surrender to Allah, but Allah guides whom He wills:

    19. "Religion with Allah (is) The Surrender (to His will and guidance)...." - Surah Al Imraan.

    Sister Allah says in Surah Zumar again in the most clear warning and explanation:

    11. Say (O Muhammad): Lo! I am commanded to worship Allah, making religion pure for Him (only).
    12. And I am commanded to be the first of those who surrender (unto Him).
    13. Say: Lo! if I should disobey my Lord, I fear the doom of a tremendous Day.
    14. Say: Allah I worship, making my religion pure for Him (only).
    15. Then worship what ye will beside Him. Say: The losers will be those who lose themselves and their housefolk on the Day of Resurrection. Ah, that will be the manifest loss!
    16. They have an awning of fire above them and beneath them a dais (of fire). With this doth Allah appall His bondmen. O My bondmen, therefor fear Me!
    17. And those who put away false gods lest they should worship them and turn to Allah in repentance, for them there are glad tidings. Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen
    18. Who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of

    Take up the Qur'an, read it repeatedly, step by step, slowly, try to understand, pondr and think upon it's verses and their application in your life, Insha Allah you will find the Qur'an in your life and your life in the Qur'an.

    And Insha Allah, start laying foundations of your building of Islam again. Allah helps those who help Him.

    If He wills, He can cause angels to perform all tasks without our help, but because He wants to reward the good who "help his cause/ purpose" and punish those who do evil, He asks for our help and in return promises us immeasurable joys.

    Welcome to Al - Islaam.

    Your brother.

  3. Salaams T
    I agree with both advices above

    Secondly congratulate for converting may you continue to build strong imaan towards Allah and love of Islam. Also tell your parents of Islam if you are true and committed seriously.

    What I am about to say to you is the honest truth please do not be offended.

    Leave this man. The barrier is the fact you are Indian and the guy is Pakistani. Even being involved with you this guy should have consider his parents in the first place before ruining your life and causing more harm and pain in perusing the relationship vice vera back to you. Face the FACTS it is because you are Indian this is where we clash parents will never ever change as they expect their children to follow the rules teaches of Islam. BUT when something like this happens people don't think logically they go against it and fight it for what? Pretending it be alright it doesn't matter for now lets carry on?. No I am sorry it doesn't work like this it is alot harder than just being Indian or Pakistani. It is giving up everything you once was which is your identity, your family traditions, your upbringing etc. Can you honestly do this in the mix marriage or relationship? Why do you think people argue with this? Because they can never ever even except the one religion let alone two? BUT you are involved with two in the first place not one so this is where alot of the misunderstanding and problems arise. Your barrier is the fact he is Muslim person and you are different religion end of FACT.

    I have seen this time to time alot of muslim guys dating sikh or hindus girls and right in front of my eyes I cannot believe the arguments they have. If you have arguments or disagreements already and your not even married don't you think you need to walk away before you live to regret hurting everyone else around you vive vera the girls too. Often it is the debate of religion brought in because of family upbringing traditions and values etc people should learn to vaule their own self worth rather than pretend the issue does not exist.

    My strong advice to you is leave this man because on and off relationship for 7years and still had issues before this. I am sorry this is not a serious relationship and not strong enough to survive. You deserve more than this, don't you think the value of your self worth is more than love for any man. This is a sign from Allah that you improved and found your way the harder way then him making one after another lime excuse. I am sorry if he was a real decent man he would fighted for you and then married you not waited 7 long years. BUT obviously when the reality came he soon dumped you probably to move on for his parents choice of a wife and top it all was wasting your time until something else came up matching his parents choice.

    The way you need to look at it now is love yourself for Allah, repent your mistakes and keep learning masallah you found Islam and it has alot to give to humans. If this is what you really want then trust me you will find a wonderful husband in time. I suggest you take a break from this and concentrate getting closer to Allah before you think about love or marriage again. Allah continue to fulfill your heart with flowers and love ameen.

    Let all people guide people to the correct path ameen.

    • @Sister Samina,

      Assalamu alaykum,

      The whole cultural thing is double standards to make long story short.

      And on the other hand, shortage of people who can distinguish between culture and Islam.

      Islam is way more straight, easy and simple, where as culture is against it most times, traditions to be followed bring in "compulsion" of doing things a certain way, no matter if it contradicts Islam and still the "ego" of belonging to a "great" culture futher making people go astray from Islamic teachings.

      Kids don't mind falling in love relationships, being bf and gf, be it against Islam and still say " Islam is not racist", Islam does not say no to marrying someone from a different country.

      Parents on the other hand at times do not approve of marriages of their kids to someone from a different country and back ground, even if Muslim, not even someone from a different tribe or "caste" at times. This is Jahiliyyah and yet they chose it above Islamic teachings and prevent peaceful marriage of kids, saying we know best for you, in Islam you should respect your parents.

      So there is lot of "choose and pick" of the Qur'an and Islamic principles to suit one's own convenience suiting their situation and it is done by both, children and parents.

      Until and unless both do not come to act upon the principles of Islam, none of them can be correct nor can they justify their decisions.

      Your brother.

      • Salaams bother Munibb
        You are 100% right but it is the FULL FACTS. Whether people agree or not mix relationship and marriages do not work the barrier is always there no matter how hard you try to make it work you are always going to clash. If one come to Islam feel free but do not change for the sake of love this is all wrong and desperate intentions. If one chooses to fall in love with someone outside there religion then all needs to be considered before involving with family. Pursing such realtionships with peoples feelings involved to get hurt and in the long run can ruin reputation and damage the relationship. You are right this is where it creates hate and racist. Culture may be one thing brother but muslim parents still this day an age still control the rules and for that I am sorry I would and would never except such thing if my parents will never approve it in the first place this wouldnt be fair on both sides. Islam does teach alot of things but where you are from and what you are from and before will always be a remember to that family even if deep down they dont except you but for the sake of the son or daughter they do with the fear of not wanting to lose there child any further or going astray.

  4. Dear Sister T,

    I think you have gained, not lost. This man was never sincere with you. But if you have been sincere with Allah, then you will find strength in this new faith you have found.

    Matters of the heart are never easy, but you will recover from this inshaAllah. You just need time and patience and to keep steadfast in Allah's way.

    Accept that perhaps this situation brought you to Islam and so it was a blessing in disguise. Many reverts can feel completely alone if they do not have a strong network and that is understandable. If you are in the UK, please let me know here and I will do my best to put you in contact with organisations that have been set up especially to give support to new Muslims. Even if you are in a different country, I will do my best to find out about revert support groups local to you.

    Our Editor AbdulWali reminded me of this yesterday and I think it may give you comfort too:

    Allah's Apostle said: "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials."
    (Volume 7, Book 70, Number 548, Narrated by Abu Huraira)

    So Alhumdulillah for the trials aswell as even in trials there are blessings too.

    I look forward to hearing from you again.

    SisterZ Editor

  5. Salaam dear sister t,

    I wish I could have a straightforward answer for you. Say something that will make the situation less painful and make you see that it is not the end of the world.

    Not only do I wish it, I also want to try to do so. For one, take solace in the following: if you believe in God, that the prophet (saw) is his prophet and everything happens as it should happen, then recognize the blessing God gave you by setting you on His path.

    It is very unfortunate that you have to live a double life towards your parents, but try to find peace in your friends, perhaps even close relatives of whom you think you might be able to share your thoughts and feelings with. InshAllah someone will be able to help you break the news to your parents and InshAllah it will be made easier for you.

    As for the guy, if he has decided that he will choose his parents and culture over you and his religion, then frankly, it is very much his loss. Decide for yourself if you would want to be with someone who would let his parents make the important decisions in his life and puts them before everything else, blindingly, even if they are very wrong in their judgement from an Islamic perspective. Is this really what you need and want? You are supposed to spend the rest of your life with this man, don't blind yourself by mere feelings alone, in the end, they are much less important than your and your future husband's ability to prioritise.

    My dear sister, it is all about intentions. If your intention is pure with God and you have converted because you truly believe in His oneness, then don't let this discourage you. I know it is very painful, heartbreaking even, but set a goal for yourself, spiritually and mentally, to try and get over this person and move on to better and bigger things inshAllah.

    I wish you all the best and strength and inshAllah you will get through this.

  6. Hi sister,

    Please leave the guy..He is nothing but a cancer in your life. He simply is not a man and I doubt it. If he ever truly loved u he'd stick to his decision even if u were an indian. He never truly loved u coz if he did he would'nt have left u after what u did for him. Allah is saving something better for you. If you have faith in the God who gave u the strength to accept the true religion than that God will stick to u no matter if the world turns against you. just stand on your own feet. make a great life for ureself n NEVER look back on that guy no matter how much you love him..just don't let ure feelings overcome the truth. I know how it feels when ure in love but sometimes you have to do things which are right for u...if he can't stand with you right now how can he live with you for the rest of ure life? how will he support u? he can never be a good husband coz he's selfish n all he cares about is his family and what people will say..just leave now n never look back..n have that strong faith in allah who has given u the strength to make this decision..just remember we always fall apart when our faith is weak..don't let it be stick to allah coz people walk away they die this world is nothing..but God never leaves us no matter what happens..u truly deserve some1 better than him..don't tell ure family about ure conversion yet..just lead a true islamic way of life and trust allah..if He made u go through all this than surely Allah wants to show u something..please don't marry don't this guy..he'll make ure life a living hell if u ask me...dump him n never look back..i know it's hard but sometimes u just have to crush ure feelings under ure feet n move on..

  7. i have been with my husband (islamically) for 4 months and now he has left, we got together in secret about 2 years ago and he waited to see if i was right for him before he sprung on me about converting, i met him in a club where he worked as a bouncer, i never even knew he was indian, as he is very fare and has green eyes, i have never loved anyone as much, he said to me we cant be together unless you convert, which i found strange as i was scared, as time passed i started researching without him knowing as i didnt want pressure from anyone because if i was converting it was due to no one else but me and my beliefs... my heart started to open up and i became more aware that i was accepting Allah in my heart,,, again time passsed i met his parents first day i met them his dad conveted me, i was petrified... two weeks later i was married,,, but previous to all this we got an apartment in secret a year ago before anyone knew,, and it feels he only wanted to marry me so he could move back to the apartment,,,, now the situation after my name change,,,

    his dad and mum treat me horribly, say im garbage always getting involved in the relationship, my husband when his dad rings doesnt answer the phone to him, which i dont agree with, he is always lying to his dad which i hate. and now his daad thinks ive changed him, which hurts, i mean his son was a bouncer and i certainly know enough about his past,,, which ive always been open and honest, i was in a 7 year relationship prior which was violent, and his dad blames me, he is so strict,,,

    Now though he has packed his bags and left me, am i still married????? i asked him to tell his dad not to talk about his wife in such a way, but instead he has gone, please help im hurting so much inside

    • Hi sister,

      You were in a seven year relationship with the same guy? If yes, then in those seven years time you should have known him inside out before marrying him. It looks like this guy does not know what he is doing. If you don't mind me asking sister? what religion were u before converting to islam? I understand how you feel about him as I was in the same situation . These religion problems definitely create problems for us muslims as it is in our shariah. Now that he has packed his bags n left you for the love of his parents, try to explain it to ureself that this guy was never actually commited to you. If he knew what he was doing in the first place he should'nt have left you after what you had been through for him. I understand that you were converting in your heart sister but no one actually has a right to forcefully convert someone. His dad shouldn't have done that tou you. He could've convinced you and you would've converted because you were already prepared as you said before but converting forcefully is just not allowed in islam. I understand that it is really hard for you as you have'nt even told your family about it and you're alone but try to stick to ure faith now that you've chosen it. I'm not saying it because i'm a muslim. I'm saying this because Allah is still in your heart. He alone gave u the strength to choose this over everything and He alone will guide you. Try to move on sister and have a strong faith in God. He is all knowing, He alone is all seeing. The guy you converted for was not worth it, his family wasn't worth it. They're not worthy of this relationship. Isalm does not tell us to show hostile attitude towards those who accept our religion let alone be the reason they converted for. Muslims all over the world should accept newly convert with warm hearts and affectionate feelings instead of hostile attitude. It's your life sister. You will have to choose what is good for you now. Choose carefully.

  8. or thank you, i was Catholic before i converted,

    I think i wrote it wrong, i was in a 7 year relationship with a catholic man before i met my muslim husband.

    I have been so srtong today, cant believe i did all this i should of left him the first time he did this to me, i am a very strong and open person, and i hope he doesnt think he will flatten my heart and beliefs.

    Thank you

  9. yes, if you were catholic then definitely he could have married you without even have to convert you. This is not against the Islamic law..A muslim man can definitely marry a christian and a Jewish woman. I don't know why his father even converted you. But now that you have taken this decision stick to it.
    Thanks for sharing

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