I have done Istikharah but he doesn’t seem to want me
In State of Confusion
Asalamu Alaikum,
The situation i'm in at the moment is very confusing state. im a young muslim lady who has a interest in a guy, he's not very religious and i am more practicing that him, he is the type that does drugs etc. however this only started after his dad left however in recent months he has calmed down and wants to change Alhamdullilah,
Now here is where it might get a bit confusing, this guy knows i like him but we've had a rough past as i confessed my love for him at the time when he was with someone else and i was quite young and naive then.
The girl he was seeing felt guilty for me and we spoke over the phone and talked and she told me about his family which i already knew but he wasn't aware that i knew, anyways after that we stopped talking for a while because he had this hatred for me as he thought i broke them to up which wasn't the case...
After about 2-3 years we got into contact again and he recognised me, and i was panacking but i told him again how i felt and he was really understanding, which took me to surprise so i got all happy again thinking it might work so i did and istikhara and i had a dream in which he was puttin a white pearl necklace on me however i knew it was him but didn't see his face,
However, the events after that didn't match my istikhara and he wasn't interested in me, there was a lot of things i had to tell him but he wasn't responding to any of it, in addition to that before we got into contact i went umrah and did and umrah for his mum,
This was because he has 3 severely disabled siblings and his mum is now single with no daughter than can help her so it very unlikely she would be able to perform hajj or umrah she is part of the reason i want him so that i can be there for her and treat her like my mum because she been throught a lot so i told him this and he wanted to meet me and i was relectant at first but it was the only option to let everything out in the open however he didn't turn up so i was really angry because it wasnt me that wanted to see him, it was him.
Anyways fast forward couple week and we start talking again and he said thanks for the istikhara but he didn't know what it was about so i told him and he was shocked but he said whatever happens, so he wasn't willing to do anything about it and this is how i feel but if we both don;t do nothing about it then will it ever happen?
Before all this happened i did 2 istikhara first one was a week after my istikhara he cancelled his wedding and the second one was a dream and one of my friends was telling me with excitement about some good new about him...so i've done all these istikhara but he doesn't seem to want me and my intention is both of us strengthen our faith together and i would love him for the sake of Allah not for my desired which may seem the case and also help his family to please Allah (swt).
so after all this i don't know what action to take or not to take, because i want to leave it in the hands of Allah and put my full trust in him but i admit my imaan is not strong enough :/
(i'm sorry for this long post it my seem confusing and leading in all different direction, but i'll be happy to clarify anything further)
JazaakaAllah Khairan
~ nahla
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Sister Nahla,
You do sound confused, and maybe he (the man you are interested in) also sees this confusion. It could be a factor in his reluctance. I must admit I am confused by your post. Please forgive me if I do not understand fully.
My sister, Istikharah is designed to help you be closer to Allah, center yourself by listening to Him, focus on what is important, and be open to see the will of Allah and allow Him to guide you on your path. I am not trying to be mean, but Istikhara is not a way to "put in an order for the man of your dreams" that you send to Allah for Him to satisfy. Allah knows your heart and mind, knows your affection and feelings for this man. Allah will see your sincerity and strength of faith in how you present your Istikharah to Him and how you seek to interpret the answer, and how you act on the answer.
I do not know the answer as to how to procede. However, if you are very still, and listen to Allah, he will guide you. It is your responsibility to separate your wishes from His guidance. Follow His guidance and you will not regret it. It may not be easy, but you will be rewarded on the Day of Judgement.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
" It is your responsibility to separate your wishes from His guidance"
Very well said, brother.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Masha Allah
Great answer
Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.
Wa Antum Fa Jazakumullahu Khairan.
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Question 10 (a): ’What should the one making istikhaara[1] prayer say if he has two affairs on the same level and does not have an inclination toward either one, meaning 50-50?’
Shaykh al-Albaani (rahimahullaah) : ‘What I understand from your question is that he does not have an intention (to do something)[2], therefore there is no istikhaara prayer upon him.’
Question 10 (a): ‘Is the istikhaara prayer legislated for one who is confused about doing something or is it legislated for one who has made up his mind to do so?’
Shaykh al-Albaani : ‘No, the istikhaara prayer does not remove confusion. Istikhaara prayer is (done) after a person has made up his mind to do something; so here, you perform istikhaara. Istikhaara prayer is not legislated for removing doubt and uncertainty regarding a matter which the Muslim has not made up his mind about.’
Question 5 (b): ‘Is the du’aa (supplication) of istikhaara prayer before the tasleem or after it?’
Shaykh al-Albaani : ‘After the tasleem’
Question 12 (c): ‘Is it allowed to repeat the istikhaara prayer?’
Shaykh al-Albaani : ‘It is allowed if his istikhaara prayer was not (performed in the way in which it is) legislated, and it is enough for it to be not legislated that he makes istikhaara to his Lord by (merely) his words, and not by his heart. And he himself is aware of this inattentiveness, so then he is forced to repeat (the istikhaara prayer). As for if he himself did not feel any of that, then he has innovated (if he repeats it).”
[1] Istikhaara means to seek (from Allaah) that which is best regarding something
[2] This is in reference to the actual wording of the hadeeth in which the Prophet (sallAllaahu `alayhi wa sallam) said: “If one of you intends to do something, then let him pray two ra’kah, then say [the du’aa of istikhaara]”; Saheeh al-Bukhaari #6382
Source: Silsilat ul-Hudaa wan Noor – The Series of Guidance and Light -tape no. 206 (a), tape no. 664 (b), tape no. 426 (c)
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
Sister,
I personally think you are setting yourself up for a life of hardship and difficulty. You say this man is not very religious and does drugs. It appears he simply is not interested in you however you keep trying to see something that isn't there. I truly believe the very best thing you can do is leave this alone. Leave him alone. May Allah guide a good pious brother your way that will want to be with you and treat you like you deserve to be treated.
Salam
salaam
I'm actually very curious to the answer that people should be giving to this girl. I think she is just confused because her istikhaara showed good things about marrying this man. she already has her mind set on marrying him and living her life by his side as a muslim. so by doing istikhaara, she was asking Allah to tell her if it is in her best interest. and according to her dreams and the events, it seems it is. i think this is why she is confused. she is wondering why nothing is happening between them if there are good signs. and since she is asking allah to guide her in the best way, He would already give him to her because that is how Allah showed her. i know this is what she is asking, but i do not have a actual legit answer myself, so if someone could elaborate on this, it would be much appreciated. thank you!
Sister,
As hard as this may seem for you to hear I think that maybe it is best to leave this man and find someone who is more religious and better in his deen. You did the Istikhara salah and I think you have already got your answer (only Allah knows best) and I don't think the dream was part of the Istikhara (may Allah forgive me if I am wrong). I don't think we should solely rely on dreams and that we should focus on the situations that seem to occur after the istikhara. For example, it seems that he is just not interested in you therefore you should try to see if you can move on with your life. If Allah wants him to be with you then inshAllah He will bring you two together but there is no point in waiting and wasting your life away if you see no interest in him to you.
In life sometimes you can't have the one you want but if you are patient and keep holding on to Allah, He will give you something better and you will be more pleased with it. You say this man wants to change right? This is another red flag, you don't know how long it will take for him to change. You can marry him and at any time he can continue doing what he was doing before and never change or it can go the other way and he will change but the problem is that only Allah knows the outcomes of our lives and we should not stick to the things that have no stability. We should not spend our married lives wishing and waiting for things that may or may not happen when we knew from the beginning this is what we are setting ourselves up for.
By default you are supposed to be with a man who is at least as religious as you are and it will be the religion that will keep you together in the end when all the love feelings fade away and the responsibility starts to surface. Love isn't all about having strong feelings for each other. Marriage is a totally different ball game and you have to know what you are getting yourself in to and not let your emotions cloud your judgement.
May Allah make this easy for you and whatever you give up for His sake He will give you something better. Keep your chin up and know that you are not alone.
Assalaamualaikam
When you pray istikhara, you are asking that if something is good for you it is achievable, and if something is not good for you then you are protected from it. Our desires can confuse our interpretations of things, and cause us to see positive signs and ignore warning signs.
This boy sounds like he's not in a place where he could consider marriage. You mention that he has taken drugs and had premarital relationships, and not been practising - if he genuinely wants to change then he needs to have time and space in order to do this for himself. It is possible that he does not actually want to change, but is saying this in order to please others or achieve something else - we cannot know what is in his heart, so it's important to look at his actions.
Even now, his actions are inappropriate - he is in private contact with you and even arranged a meeting with you. This suggests that he has not changed to a degree where he would be ready for marriage.
I think you also need to look at your own actions, and I apologise if this seems harsh. It's rather bad form to actively pursue a man who is already in a relationship - it is unfair to the sister he is with, as well as the issues about the man. Try to consider how the sister may have felt, when another girl expresses desires for the man she is with. There are teachings that causing discord between husband and wife is something loved by shaitan, so we should always try to respect and preserve marriage wherever possible. In this case, the people in question weren't married, but it still seems inappropriate to have acted in this way. I'm also unclear about your involvement with his family; while it is admirable to want to help people, we need to respect people's rights to privacy and independence. Did his mum know you were doing umrah for her? I think it's important for you to be clear to yourself about why you wish to help this family - is it purely because you wish to support a Muslim woman who has a lot of challenges (if so, there are other options available rather than needing to marry her son), or is some of it due to having feelings for this boy?
My advice in this situation would be to step back from this boy. He knows that you have feelings for him; if he wishes to marry you, then he can approach your family with a proposal - you will need to be clear to him and to yourself that you will not accept a relationship outwith marriage. Then, cut all private contact with him. It will be hard, but is better than following your desires down a risky path. You can then focus on your own spiritual wellbeing through study and prayer, to strengthen your own faith. If you find you have time on your hands where you are tempted by thoughts of him, fill this time with other activities - study, exercise, charity work, prayer, learning a new skill...
If this boy is right for you then it has to happen in a halal way; don't settle for anything else.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor