Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Financial issues are causing problems in our marriage

money and love

Money is causing problems in our marriage

Salam,

Whenever me and my husband get in a fight I start to remember every little thing that I dislike about him but couldn't and wouldn't voice if we weren't angry with each other. Ours was an arranged marriage and only lately I can't help but feel in these times that I could have done better (Astagfirullah for any arrogance). I don't want to go too far back or too much into it but we have been married for almost 3 years but my husband (in my opinion) is not supporting is enough at all!

Alhumdulillah I come from a well off family but I honestly don't demand much from my husband (in my opinion). All I want is weekly pocket money, for him to pay ALL the bills, THINK about where his money goes and NOT depend on me to help with this stuff. I don't mind doing it cos I want to but I HATE it when he just expects it.

My mum is financially dependent on my dad. He doesn't want her to work but then he makes the situation so that she doesn't need a job for money. Even when my mum and dad were broke and living with my mums parents my dad still would give her some of whatever little he earned. I want that in my life too.

Me and my husband both work now but when I was pregnant I was literally broke the whole time. Maybe about 2 or 3 times he gave me some money but other than that nothing. On top of it we were living with my parents for that year he had no expenses besides sending a little money back home but when the year was over he had a nothing to show for it. He'd gone back home for a month and spent it all.

Now that I work I pay half the bills, grocery and other things my son might need. I get no pocket money at all unless I ask which I have always felt embarrassed doing so I don't. On top of that he doesn't help round the house  "cos that's not his job" but is happy to complain when something is not tidy (alhumdulillah it's fairly clean most of the time).

Before he left to go back home there was a fight and he made it clear he wanted to move out when he was back. My dad got us the place we live in 🙁 now whenever I tell him we should save up so we can buy the house off my dad hes in no rush. My dad knows that my husband is taking a back seat so he said to me that it's too much to have 2 mortgages so when we have lived in this place for a year he will just pass the mortgage over regardless of whether we buy it off him or not.

This will just be more of a head ache for me. I want to pay my dad back we can't just be freeloaders our entire lives I have 4 younger siblings who all need to get married, its not possible for all of us to get this treatment - yeah we are well off but not that much.

Please don't suggest divorce I'm not interested in leaving him because besides the money issues we have no other problem alhumdulillah and no counselling because he likes our  business to stay between us.

helps

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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5 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    I believe it is admirable that you help your husband with the household bills even though you are not Islamically obligated to. You however are a grown woman with a job. You do not need to wait for your husband to give you "pocket money". When you receive your salary, take an amount of money that you believe you will need for personal items or whatever it is you feel you need for the month. Whatever is left, you decide how you want to contribute to the household. I am sure that your husband will appreciate your help.

    My friend was much like you. Working forty plus hour weeks and gave her husband every penny. Her husband did not provide for her or their children. The woman could not even afford a bra for herself. It was as if she had to beg for all her needs and even then he made it seem like he was doing her a favor. Pathetic. Never, ever put yourself in the situation of not having money for your own personal needs. God willing together the both of you can work on things to strengthen your marriage.

    Salam

    • Assalamualikum,

      The sister should not be paying for everything at home. She can contribute if she wants, that should be her choice. These men take advantage of thier wives, he is probably sending money back home? You neef to put your foot down NOW. Don't let your husband get away with not financially supporting you and your child. Its the command of Allah for men to take full financial responsibility.

      I was in your situation. ..after 10years of marriage and 2 kids, he walked out, left. Now we are in the process of divorce. He financially and emotionally abused me. He now claims that he had suffered 10years! ! I gave him all my money and gave him British passport. Still it wasn't enough. These men are sick twisted evil human beings with no conscience.

      Don't let your situation get worse. Make changes sister. .if he doesn't comply then consider divorce. Also please look up 'Narcissist Personality Disorder'.

  2. Dear Sister,

    Tell him that what you earn is yours and you don't have to spend it on the family. He has the responsibility to spend on the family.

    He just needs a little push from you to stop being lazy and start earning more.

    Also, make lots of dua that he gets better. The power of dua is such that it will change your husband heart.

    Also, in the mean time busy yourself with learning more and more about Islam and practicing it.

    May Allah give you peace.

  3. wasalam
    I went through almost same problem am giving you suggestion according to my experience.

    First thing u need to realise and accept that although financial matters is man's responsibility according to our culture and religion but some men are of the type who don't take responsibility of his woman n children. rather they want both of spouses to look at finances together. because they think that spouse is a partner not an adopted child. and your man is of that kind (like my husband). so everyone is different. you cant compare ur situation with ur parents's or anyone else's around you.

    Now when you want to make this relationship work. you have to manage it wisely. what u can do is:

    1. Try to change ur perspective of looking at financial matters completely. Accept the fact that he wont give you pocket money. So don't tell him that u have to give me pocket money. Don't tell him that finances is ur responsibility. Don't mention its your money its my money. this will annoy him and he wont give you money even if he have it. So try to be supportive towards him. try to be friends with him in all matters. tell ur husband that i like ur idea of managing finances and house chores together and so lets open a joint account and put our salaries in it. and spend money on house n bills and shopping and baby and do savings from that pool of money. and this way he will be easily convinced to manage house chores together too.

    I hope this will change his behaviour. he will neither stop you to spend on ur personal shopping or pay back money to ur dad etc. also he will start helping you around the house too. because then you both will be in everything together.
    Plus you don't need to sacrifice or hurt yourself for this, just convince urself that there is nothing wrong in pooling up money. and feel happy about it. and keep in mind there will be times when he will be jobless, there will be times when u will be jobless. but this shouldn't effect your financial matters and behaviour towards each other.

    This approach helped me a lot Alhamdulillah. and inshallah it will help you too.

    Moreover:
    2. Stop taking help from ur dad. You should not make ur dad an option of financial help no matter what. otherwise ur husband will stay lazy. Try to manage finances with the money you two earn. even if u have to cut down expenses and live in small house etc. this will make your husband come out of comfort zone and strive and work hard for better lifestyle.

    Also look at the examples of khadija(as) that how she used to spend her money on her family without thinking that its her husband's responsibility. similarly how fatima(as) managed the though financial time with her husband and sacrificed everything she had without complaining. there are other examples as well in history. this will help you convince urself that financial matter is not a big deal if you and your husband is sincere with each other.

    May Allah make our married life happy and peaceful. and make our spouses coolness of our eyes. ameen

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