Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is getting to know someone for the purpose of marriage allowed?

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Salamailaikum,

I have a question regarding getting to know someone for the purpose of marriage.

Basically if someone comes your way and you feel like they could make a good future spouse for yourself and you get to know them through text messages and calls, etc. Is this a bad thing?

Should you tell your mum or dad as soon as you are getting to know someone or is it ok if you wait to see how the person is before you mention them? And of course when I say "getting to know them through texts etc." I mean in the most halal way possible so you're not doing it for the wrong reasons.

I ask this because when I get approached by males and if there's one who I think seems nice and I want to get to know better, I feel guilty by not telling my mum even if I don't do anything wrong so I end up not getting to know them at all.

Thanks in advance for your helpful responses.

~ Saira

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36 Responses »

  1. Salaams Saira

    I honestly think that you should tell your mum because going to friends or people outside like talking to them is not always the best thing to do they don't always want you to be happy. If you can keep it private and only tell your mum because your mum is always right and wants the best for you. There are guys as well as girls who fall into the trap with someone that ends up bad for them for example the character of the person changes, and the only way to know someone who is ideal for you is to get to know them but please be aware this can also lead you to do things you shouldn't, therefore do not feel you have to listen to him or be pushed to do things you shouldn't this is where you will see because at the moment he is non mahram to you and never allow him to cross his limits. Be very careful and do not trust him 100% or any guys that approach you there is always something hiding under that mask! Also if you ever meet make sure you have your mum or dad at present never ever be alone with the guy parents are there for a reason to protect you and only want the best for you.

  2. Salam, I will paste the response given by sister Nadia in another similar post which I think sums everything up brilliantly. Have a read.

    1. Ask yourself: Why am I getting married.

    This is a good question to ask even if you are meeting the person to make a final decision because it will be a reminder about the real purpose of marriage from an Islamic perspective.

    Marriage is part of faith and it is part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him.

    As well, “my intention should be I am looking for someone with whom I will build a family,” says Imam Muhammad Nur Abdullah, a member of the North American Fiqh Council. He conducted pre-marriage counseling in the U.S. for two decades.

    “Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya (world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together,” he adds.

    2. Ask yourself: what am I looking for in a spouse.

    Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet said: “Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed” (Bukhari, Muslim).

    This of course, applies to women as well.

    However, religion it seems, is not always foremost in the minds of many people. In fact, it's probably the last factor on too many Muslims' list.

    According to Tasneem Qadeer, one of the seven volunteers who runs the Islamic Society of North America's matrimonial service, being a doctor or a lawyer is much more important to many Muslim women than piety.

    And the men are not any better. Many matrimonial advertisements in Islamic publications for instance, demonstrate a key demand for a wife who is “fair, slim and beautiful”.

    “If we want to have healthy Muslim families then Deen has to be first,” says Aneesah Nadir, president of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada.

    She is one of the co-developers of the program “Marriage the Islamic way”, which teaches various aspects of marriage such as how to find a spouse, the wedding and the post-wedding marriage relationship.

    3. If you're looking for a spouse lower your gaze.

    This may seem like a contradiction, but it's not. Looking for a spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the gaze for both sexes.

    “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do” (Quran 24:30).

    “And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms...” (Quran 24:31).

    “Scoping the territory”, from this perspective, would not be Islamically acceptable.

    Imam Nur Abdullah notes that looking at a potential mate is recommended according to the Hadith in which the Prophet said: “When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. ...” (Abu Dawud).

    This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not ogle or stare.

    Abdullah also notes there is no limit on the number of times the two people can look at each other. However, both should fear Allah and remember the purpose of this is to satisfy the need for physical attraction to the person you are marrying.

    He also notes it is not permissible for a man to see a potential wife without Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom marriage is not possible, or her husband). Abdullah says seeing her face and hands are enough to determine attraction.

    4. Get someone to help

    Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by yourself. Getting the help of someone, especially parents, relatives, an Imam, and/or respected and trustworthy members of the Muslim community to either look for the right spouse or initiate and participate in a communication process is very important.

    Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not meeting alone, see next point).

    Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual's character and behavior, and looks out for your best interest in general.

    This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic way of doing things.

    For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best interest at heart.

    However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately, it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision. They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the person s/he is interested in.

    If parents, other family members, an Imam or members of the community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband or wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of different Muslim organizations.

    5. Always ask for references

    This is also where your “third party” comes in handy. Not only will they be able to be your reference. They can also check out a prospective mate's references.

    A reference can include an Imam who knows the brother who proposed to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.

    A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking marriage, complete information should be given about an individual, both good and bad.

    The advice of one of the companions of the Prophet, Umar Ibn al-Khattab, can help in this regard:

    A man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and spoke in praise of another. Umar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?”

    “No.”

    “Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?”

    “No.”

    “Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money] which would indicate the piety of the man?”

    “No.”

    “I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?”

    “Yes.”

    “Go, for you do not know him...”

    And to the man in question, Umar said, “Go and bring me someone who knows you.”

    (quoted from Islam The Natural Way by Abdul Wahid Hamid, p. 66)

    This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective mate's character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has traveled with them.

    6. When you meet, don't be alone

    The Prophet said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third” (Tirmidhi).

    He also advised men: “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within the prohibited degrees” (Bukhari, Muslim).

    Meeting alone, in the hotel room during a conference for instance, is not permissible. The prospective spouses should not place themselves in a situation where no one else can see or hear them.

    Instead, a discreet, chaperoned meeting should be set up. The chaperone, while allowing the two to talk, is in the same room, for example.

    As well, parents or guardians should set a time limit, recommends Shahina Siddiqui, president of the Islamic Social Services Association‘s Canada branch. A whole day, for example, is too long for this kind of a meeting.

    7. When you speak, be businesslike and to the point.

    The purpose of meeting and talking to each other must also remain within Islamic guidelines. That means no flirtatious speech of a sexual nature on either side.

    Imam Nur Abdullah says some of the topics discussed can include each other's interests, financial situation of the man, who is Islamically responsible for providing for his wife and children, and the two potential spouses' relationship with their parents.

    He notes that conversations between potential mates cannot be talking just for the sake of talking. There should be a firm and clear intention of either pursuing engagement and marriage, or, if one of the two or both the man and woman feel they are not compatible, a quick end to the relationship.

    This ensures both sides are safe from getting hurt more than they could in this kind of a situation and remain within the bounds of Islam, Insha Allah.

    With regards to questions pertaining to a person's sexual history (for example, has s/he had a boy/girlfriend, does s/he have any type of sexually transmitted diseases), Imam Nur Abdullah says these things have to be investigated at the very beginning, when the communication for marriage begins. This is not something that should be brought up at the last stage.

    Other topics that should also be discussed at the early stages include level of Islamic knowledge and practice, future career and education plans, home making skills and where the couple will live right after marriage and in the future (state and/or country, with in-laws or in their own apartment/home).

    The Imam also says the couple can even get a blood test to ensure both are healthy. Some states require this before marriage.

    Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules pertaining to modesty and respect between them.

    And Allah knows best

  3. I also would not recommend any dating sites so far I have not met any muslim guy that is true and ready for marriage I have given up what my destiny will be will be from Allah. There is no decent men out there, or love stories that exists there are mean people out there that are using each other they dont care, people dont see a good thing or want halaal unless there needs and desires are met for haraam actions behind close doors. For women who are still searching never sacrifice your respect/izsaat for any guy they are users and all I can say is in my experience while I was searching was a lot of the guys prefer women who sin with them and for that it is not worth the hassle to be in, if you know in your heart it is wrong, it is wrong for a reason, if a guy dont respect that then he is not worthy of you or your time.

    • my search experience is the same.

      men, specially muslim men dont want to know the women as a person at all.
      however on the contrary non-muslim men appreciate personalities rather than just physicalities.

      • i totally agreee

        • samina,friend and sister fozia.

          Perhaps,the people you encounter are not good.Perhaps,you spent too much time on internet reading sad stories.

          Too much of anything is wrong.Spending too much time on Islamicanswers.com is also wrong...:D.Reading too many depressing threads/questions will consciously or subconsciously will affect you or your thinking process.

          Go out and meet real people.

          Whatever the case might be.You live in a world which gives you an option of choosing.

          There is no decent men out there, or love stories that exists there are mean people out there that are using each other they dont care, people dont see a good thing or want halaal unless there needs and desires are met for haraam actions behind close doors

          These statements are making sweeping generalizations.I could also say very nasty things about women.Lets be less cynical and more optimistic.

          • Well said !

          • @aaa I have met real people and no being on this website has only made me a stronger person to stand my ground and say NO NO NO Wrong!! I disagree with you I have tried everything I have even met really fake people, double standards that dont even acknowledge a women except for a doormat and NO that does not make me a depress person in fact it makes me say ulhumdiallah. I only want to warn others so they also realise reality for what it is and dont get desperate that will make them cross their limits that they later may regret. A women in Islam is worth more then anything in fact should be given more respect in which something is lacking very much in society today.

          • Samina,

            I don't understand.Out of all the good people in this world,you have only encountered the bad and nasty types.You couldn't find one single person which could be deemed acceptable by you.I hope this is not case.

            Men and women can be equally bad.Our surroundings and the people we interact affect our personality as a whole.I can clearly observe from your post that you are showing signs of substantial negativity.

            Just as I sad earlier.You can choose to remain single or married.

          • @aaaa you wouldn't understand if you are a bloke a real women would understand. Welcome to the real world with nasty people on the planet its called reality and no I am not negative, its a wake up call to see what the world is really like! BTW I rather choose to live single and warn others to see what reality is even if my kismet is destined to be single.

          • no brother, iam afraid i have come to this generalization( including women) through experience with real people in real life. coming to islamic answers has only made me hopeful and coming to know people( specially men ) who are not the below average superficial men i have come across.this website only helps me to know that there are real muslims out there.

      • Generalising can be done both ways. When I was in England, I've heard of many cases where non muslim men, even though accepts personality, most of them are never faithfull/loyal. They always have mistresses. But I believe we can agree that it is normal in other parts of the world too regarding non muslim men. There moto is usually YOLO.

        But I'm certain with one thing, non-muslim men can buy us free ticket to hell without hardwork.

    • I agree that you should never, ever sacrifice your respect or izzat for a guy. I also don't like the idea of marriage/dating websites - although off the record I have heard the 'Half Our Deen' site is supposed to be good. It may be worth a try for you/the OP.

      There are nice people out there though - nice brothers and sisters. I genuinely believe that, it's just about finding them InshaAllah. And if you reject someone for good reasons, (to avoid sin) then it's your reward InshaAllah. Some people take the haraam route because they want it to lead to marriage and are willing to disobey Allah in order to get what they want. So remind yourself why you are searching a lot.
      Trust in Allah and take the means. 🙂
      May Allah (swt) grant us all pious spouses who will be the comfort of our eyes.
      Ameen
      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Salamualaikum,

    The above responses are good. In addition, it is a very bad idea to have a contact through text messaging or other mediums with a prospective spouse. I have seen talks of relationships fail due to this.

    If you like someone, you should indicate it to your mother who would in turn inform your father and he would talk to the man. If you feel shy, have your sister (if you have one), a dear aunt, or someone to speak on your behalf, to your mother.

    In sha Allah, your father, older brother, etc. will look into him and speak to him about you.

    This way, in sha Allah, you will keep away from Haraam and will unite with your partner in the most Halaal way. May Allah Make it so.

    Aameen

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. brother waseem, you are talking about an ideal situation........ unfortunately world is not that place.most of the women, specially in the west are expected to find a partner themselves.

    • true, but the other with this is that family tend to put things like cast and stuff in as a stand for compatibility

      • @friend it doesn't matter west or east my decision is the same as in my experience there are people with flaws good and bad are everywhere. No one asks anyone to find a partner Islamically you know it is wrong but at the same time its up to you as a person to search within limits those barriers are there for a reason. Finding a partner doesn't matter where you are or what country your from. Most people i know only look because they fear if they have an arrange marriage it wont work or that person will use them for one thing. All i can say is there is no such thing easy other than serve yourself to Allah and see what the future holds InshAllah the better.

  6. Salaam.

    I advise you to get your family involved as early as possible. Even if the brother himself has not officially proposed or shown a proper interest, the least you should do is try to mention it to your parents or your mother or whoever you are closer to.

    Just mention that you have met someone you think might be suitable and if he also thinks the same would you be willing to meet him?
    I 100% think you need to involve parents right from the outset - get to know him with your parents permission within Islamic guidelines. Provided your family are OK with it and are present in the home (you are not alone with him) then you can even meet him at your home.
    Wherever you decide to meet him, involve your parents ASAP and ideally bring your mahram with you. If you cant bring your mahram have a trustworthy pious person with you instead but never be alone. Some scholars do say it is permissible to meet in a public place but until you have established whether both of your parents are on board and have met a few times in their presence I would personally advise against this as well.

    No matter how good intentions are and how pious two people are, we are ultimately human and should not give opportunities to shaitan.
    And Allah knows best.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. Ok people, this is a very good question, and i did not see it being answered to how saira wants it answered (I have not gone through every word in the responses above).

    The substance of the question is this:

    Can someone get to know a person him/herself to the point where he/she thinks they are worth introducing to their parents?

    This is because you cant practically introduce every one, that comes your way, to your family and a level of assessment is necessary.

    If not, then what is the right way to tackle this in a western society.

    Please editors respond to the question having the above point in mind from a lay man, practical and religious perspective.

  8. I request the sisters to stop demeaning Muslim men. YOU ARE INCORRECT. Please stop speaking such things and doing generalization based on limited observations. You haven't met a million Muslim men. Please avoid praising non Muslim men over Muslim. It is not true that they think of the sex issues unlike non Muslims. If you have seen SOME men of his nature this does not mean every Muslim is such. And if you have seen some non Muslim men better in behavior this does not make them better than Muslims. Muslims in general have one absolute advantage of belief in Allah.

    Please do not think I am saying non Muslims are not good. But that does not mean that you insult Muslim men in such a manner. I am a Muslim and almost every Muslim man I know is a billion times better than the best non Muslim men I know. Wal Hamdulillahi 'Ala Kulli Haal.

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I agree. I live in a non-Muslim society and I can say that many of the non-Muslim men I have known through work and sports are extremely venal when it comes to women. They speak of women as sex objects only, and are willing to lie or manipulate to get what they want.

      I am sure there are some Muslim men like this, but for the most part I have not seen it. The Muslim men I know are almost all honorable and well behaved people.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Oh Shana, you're speaking from 'EXPERIANCE' about majority of muslim men.

    Am I reading this wrong ? Lol

    Statements made to attack 'most' muslim men by you and others are TOTALLY FALSE. Falsehood at its best infact.

    Your bad experiance regarding muslim men doesn't make the majority. Even though if you gather all the post in this website and other forums regarding muslim men being bad, that still doesn't make the majority.

    So therefore we can safely conclude that it is only 'SOME' muslim men who are what you've described. Obviously there will be bad apples in every community.

    For non-muslim men normally have intimate pre-marital relationships with two three four and so on, therefore for them ' sex ' is a routine and so they choose the best character/personality. It is evident in UK, I'm certain its also else where. If not majority then most of what I've heard of atleast.

    There are around 8 million muslim men on earth ( just guessing ), majority of them are BEST in character/personality/religion etc compared to non-muslim men. Majority of them avoids alcohol,drugs,fornications etc unlike non-muslim. Main reason is being muslim and fear Allah unlike non muslim men, who do what they want. Ofcourse there are very bad individuals but only a tiny minority.

    I believe that ' modern western civilization ' played an important role in corrupting people. Disagree if you want but it is a fact.

    This doesn't mean that non-muslim men are corrupted. Many of them are great. I've got many non-muslim friend and they all are great.

    I cant believe that our own muslim sisters insulting 'majority' of their muslim brothers. This is insane. Atleast say 'some' of them are bad.

    " Dont judge a book by its cover "
    " Dont judge a car by its driver "

    • I have to agree with Samina i too have experienced the same, I had joined shaddi.com, muslim.com and met muslim guys that wanted sex before marriage and I will never ever do that knowing it is haraam I rather stay single until my parents find someone.

      I would worry if my sisters start texting or calling some guy they like or meet because I learnt myself it was wrong Islamically we are not allowed to have a boyfriend /girlfriend relationship and most men I met preferred no commitment as long as they got want they wanted. As much I was shocked and applauded by their requests I knew deep down I had to do what was right for me. I am not insulting any muslim guys who are decent but the fact is people are becoming the same as non muslims, I see no difference at all. Sometimes I look back and feel so ashamed to call myself a muslim just because how these people made me feel but now I know why Allah is great and why we women have the protection we do.

      My advise to Saira is please think long and hard because actions do have consequences and please tell your mum it will be less of a burden, may you find someone and be happy inshallah.

    • Dear brothers

      I am sorry if i hurt ur feeling by generalising about muslim men and no brother i am not that much experience as u got the impression, may be i have fallen on the wrong person, well i as i explained my boyfriend is a practicising muslim, he knows his deen well but still he is tempted by haraam things and talk, though he is not yet my mahram he talk about sex openly to me and ask me intimate questions, so i am very disappointed and embarassed by his behaviour.

      i am myself at loss and i do love him lot and want to marry him and this made me think that if this is a normal behaviour of muslim men, because my other muslim friends too have gone throught such bad experience, whereas as my non muslim friends told me they were well repected by their fiancee and boyfriends, however i didn't mean that they are better than muslim men

      • You and your friends (men and women) all together are corrupted people in the eyes of Allah most high. If you think I'm harsh, know that its not my words. You all make the bad apples in the muslim ummah by all your behaviors.

        Islam is clear that pre-marital relationships are forbidden therefore is no place for gf/bf in Islam. Are you aware of this ?

        We can now agree of who are the good muslims and bad ones. I rest my case.

        Stop sinning and get back to the religion before its too late. Fear Allah for His punishment is severe. Life is not about finding lovers, rather it is to pleasure Allah and obey Him for our ultimate aim is not marriage but paradise. Take heed. Be among the rightious pious people.

      • Do you see the problem in your own statement about again generalizing yoru experience and your friends? "Your boyfriend" already limits your experience to a man who is not practicing his faith. If he is compromising his values right now, of course he will down the line. He doesn't respect himself, or his faith why would he respect a woman? Please see the error in reasoning here.

  10. Instead of this new modern Muslima way of blaming "Muslim men" Why don't you consider the fact the the WAY you are meeting these men (or women) is what attracts bad flies. I'm so disgusted to hear Muslimas pass this ntion around that all Muslim men are bad from their experiences with someone anonymous Muslim 'dating' website, or the Muslimas who drink and go out clubbing and say they can't find a guy. Don't generalize your experiences to men who come from a range of ethnicities, backgrounds, countries. It would be racist if you said it about whites/blacks...it doesn't make it less bigoted to do it to your own brothers, sisters.

    Online matrimonials aren't recommended by anyone. The reason you get such desperate guys is because you don't even know who they are (if they are real...or for that matter even the opposite gender!). The internet has a level of anonymity that allows abuse. I remember putting up my info in a matrimonial site when I was single, and getting the creepeist messages from people trying to get more information about me (I could tell some of thse people were guys too-and I'm a guy) You also tend to get what you look for in that if I wnet to google and typed in something like "finding a good american guy" "Find a good muslim guy" you would tend to get 1 million results for bad men...and 2 for good men. It affects your perception greatly. It never ceases to amaze me how people lose their common sense when it comes to marriage. If someone is asking you for sex, I would immediately stop contact with them. I meet my wife in a cafe when I was getting to know her once. If she said that, I would literally get up, push my chair in, and she would have never heard from me again.

    Some people even come onto this site, a site for your TROUBLES and WORRIES, and are like "LORD all Muslims are terrible people." This site is a compilation of bad experiences. People come here for help...it is intended solely for that, and isn't reflective of all the issues or experiences of that entire Muslim community. In fact I'd go as far as saying it shows a tiny minority. .5% of the badness compared to 95.% of the goodness!

    The point of a community, your friends, family isn't simply to find you a spouse, but it is to make additional connections. You tend to surround yourself with people who embody your values. Go through your friends, masjid etc. If I marry a friend of my sister, my sister, friends etc can vouch for her character. If we get into trouble...that's soo many more people that we feel like can mediate between us...less reason for us to break up etc. Don't underestimate the social value of Islam.

    The internet for the spouse is a bad idea. You MIGHt find someone...but there is FAR more room for a lack of candor.

  11. There are good muslim men and ladies out there. The question is are you looking for the right things? Materialistic things will not bring you happiness. But for many that is what they look for, a degree, a house, a car and now adays a business. It is a persons character and their way of thinking that will bring you happiness.
    My husband was a student here, he was someone that my grandfather knew. His mum asked my parents for my hand in marriage. My parents said no at first because he did not have a house or a good professional job, but my cousin on other hand was saving up for a deposit for a house. I saw him a few times round my grandfather's house, I realised that this man may not have all those things that my parents were looking for but he was someone that was honest, hardworking, someone who would take care of me financial, he wasn't an angry person or someone who would be violent towards me. He arranged through my sister to meet me, at my parents house, my mum was present in the room the whole time, he asked for my hand in marriage and I said yes.

    I was lucky my parents respected my decision and now I have been happily married for 12 years.
    We started our married life with nothing to our name and now we have been so blessed with 2 houses, a beautiful family and a business.

    I'm now looking for a wife for my brother-in-law and he has been turned down for not having a house, twice. The ladies did not even see him or talk to him. too bad or lucky as he wants a good, supportive wife.

  12. Sorry i got side- tracked. You need a third party to help you find someone. when you talk to potential spouses, the third party is your safety net. Am not so sure about text messaging ( I personaly wouldn't do this). Register yourself with islamic marriage bureau, some mosques across the country offer this service. Zainab bookshop in Slough does too.

    Get your parents involved from the beginning, take them with you or get them to register you at the mosques. Never give them a reason to not trust you.

  13. Thank you everyone for your responses. It has given me more of an understanding so if this situation does happen then I know what to do.
    Really appreciate all your guidance.

    Saira

  14. Ok can someone shed some light here. If someone from where you live either talks to you and wants to get to know you further OR for example adds you on Facebook etc and you wanna see what kinda person he/she is, is it ok to do so as long as you don't say anything wrong that you wouldn't say to a non maharam?

    Brother Waseem and Wael, I hope one or both of you will respond as I always find yor responses helpful.

    Thanks

    • sorry iam no brther waseem or wael,but i can tell you from my own experience and from experience of many other people i know, DONOT , DONOT, DONOT ad them to your face book. keep contact through other means with intention to know them only..... not for chit chats. mobilize your contacts..... brothers , sisters, freinds, uncles who can investigate about this potential suitor through reference rather than just face book, txt , msg, phone chats etc. rememeber deceptive people are deceptive and they will not be themselves on social networking.
      also if it doesnt work out then its awkward or hurtful if either of you have to delete or block one.
      saira you are searching for a life partner , not virtual partner..... and these social networking sites are vitual lives. be safe , let reliable family emebers do the ground work through references at work and family..... also if someone has been married before( divorced now) find the version of story from the other end as well.

    • Avoiding adding anyone on FB in these circumstances. By adding them on FB, they learn all about you. The guy can learn what city you live in, where you go to school, who your friends are... It's too much personal information to share with someone you do not know well. And if things don't work out with this person, then what do you do? He could begin harassing you.

      It's difficult to know what to do in these situations. We can't go running to our parents anytime someone expresses the slightest interest, before we know if we are actually interested in return.

      My opinion is, setting up a free email account for this purpose. Correspond with the person by email, taking care to keep it halal and clean. If they come at you with anything inappropriate, cut it off. If you exchange several emails and the person seems truly nice and genuine, and you want to take it further, then contact your parents at that point. But it make it seem like you just heard from the guy.

      I know some will disagree with me about this, but it seems to me the most rational way to proceed.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Facebook is not a platform, ideal for a discussion with a non Mahram. It is public, very much privet, too. It can be used by the Shaitaan to lead you where you don't want to go. It is a place of fitnah. Keep your friend list limited to people who have no scope of such fitnah.

      In this regard, when a person approaches you in order to know you, you should try to sense if he just wants to make "friends" or wants to choose you as his life partner. If it is the former, you should ignore him. But if he is serious, the best thing is to tell him that Islam allows meeting non Mahrams for the purpose of knowing one another, under the condition that a male Mahram be present with you.

      You think he will feel uncomfortable on this? He won't, if he is actually good for you, your future. This will show how much he respects the boundaries set by Allah and can also be used as a tool to test the person concerned, his inclination towards the deen. Involve your dear elders whenever possible, or even your brothers (if you have any) in order to know him and his intentions.

      I think this is what you should do. Otherwise, if you meet him without the company of a Mahram, then know that you will have Shaitaan accompanied with you, and you may easily fall prey to his tricks.

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. "Friend" thank you for your reply, even though I wanted brother Waseem or Wael to comment, I did want other people to as well and your response was helpful.

    Brothers Waseem and Wael, once again thanks so much, I feel I understand what to do if this happens to me in the near future. I find it easier to ask your help than someone around me who an be judgemental and not say a knowledgeable answer. Once again thank you!

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