Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He beats me and threatens divorce, then apologizes

Arguing coupleAssalam u alaikum.

I have been nikaah'ed (married) for the past 2 years and now moving to my husband's house this coming July. I am very concerned about a thing, me and my husband fight a lot.

Most of the fighting from my end is only verbal, but my husband gets very angry and loses control which leads him to beat me up brutally.

Then he threatens to divorce me and always says, "If i knew all this would have happened, I would never have married you" and has also threatened me many times that he will divorce me.

Once, in front of my parents also he has said that he will divorce me & then no body will interfere in this matter but it will be just between him & Allah. So, he threatens me divorce everytime. But when he calms down, he says sorry and says he will never beat me up again & he did not mean about the divorce also.

But he has not changed, this same procedure happens every time we have a fight.

I just need to make sure before I start living with him, are we still legally married in an Islamic way or not. Please help me, I am very confused and concerned and so are my parents since he has threatened me many times. My parents believe that threatening to divorce is enough to mean that the divorce is valid. Can you please resolve this issue, so we can convey it to him and his family too.

- Saroosh

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10 Responses »

  1. Asalamu alikum,
    Sister i cant tell you about the divorce if its valid or not- maybe a more knowledgable sister can tell you on this issue.
    But sis saroosh I am very concerned for you. This is called the cycle of abuse, someone who verbally abuses, beats you and apologizes and does this over and over and over again- till he beats you so bad you need to go to the hospital or possibly kill you one day.

    sister, in your gut you can feel if this is a healthy relationship or not. Trust you instict, and if you have any doubts dont go back to someone who will hurt you. A real man does not hurt women no matter what happens, you deserve someone who treats you with respect and doesnt lay a hand on you violently.

    Ultimatly its your decision to go back, but sis, i really fear for you. Pray Istikhara sis, and inshallah Allah will guide you in your decision and protect you from harm- just trust your instict about this relationship.

    All the best, Sims

  2. Sweetheart :0(
    Dear Sister, Peace be with you. Do not take this forwards with this man - you are looking at a life of beats and bruises ahead of you and there is still time to stop it. I don't know what country you are in, or what yor situation is that is taking you forwards into this hellish lifestyle.Turn back my love and dont do this.
    You dont have to do this.
    Don't do it sweetheart. *hugs* :0(
    Dont do it, you dont need that kind of life.

  3. Sister Saroosh, I agree with Sims and Lela. Get out of this marriage right away.

    If it were just a matter of verbal abuse and fighting, I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor. But this man is beating you, brutally as you say. No one should put up with that. No one should have to live like that. He is a bad Muslim and a bad husband.

    Why wait until he hurts you very badly one day? (if he has not done so already). You did not say anything about children and I get the impression that you do not have any yet. That's good, that makes it much easier. Get out of this situation now. Can you imagine if you were to have children and they grow up seeing their mother beaten, what effect that will have on them? And how hard it will be to leave the marriage after you have kids?

    Get out now.

  4. Asalaamu Alaikum

    Dear sister please go!! Get out of that relationship please! Divorce your husband, you do not deserve to be beat on my dear sister. Even if your husband promises it will never happen again, do not believe that----how many times has he said it?
    Sister women in Islam are allowed to divorce when ever they want. DO NOT tell your husband you want to divorce him, I am afraid of what he will try to do to you! Also, it is unlawful anyway to speak of divorce in Islam if you are a woman.
    But, go go gooooo! GET OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sis for the sake of your life and your future kids or any kids you may have now, divorce and take your kiddies and go be happy!!!! I just want to scream at the computer please gooooo! Go to your Imam and let him know your done!
    Insha'allah to everything I said.

    Sister Allah bless. Allah bless, allah bless and ya allah! allah bless some more! insha'allah, ameen!

    *hugs and more hugs and kisses* my dear sis! <3 <3 <3

  5. Salam Sister Saroosh. I agree with everybody else who has posted, you must get out of this marriage. I have a lot of experience with these sort of marriages, there have been a lot of them in my family. The one thing I can assure you is that, he will not get any better. In fact he will get much worse. You do not deserve to be beaten! You must take care of yourself! and the only way to do that is to leave this man.

    You need to leave this relationship straight away. I know how you feel, everytime he apologises and kisses you and says sorry, you forgive him and hope he doesnt do it again. This is your weakness and he knows it! That is how he is using you as his punching bag, he knows your weakness. You must identify this weakness of yours and leave him. Let him cry for you and realise what a big mistake he has made by hurting you.

    Inshallah everything will be alright if you leave him. Also remember you are well within your islamic rights to leave this man if he is hurting you. Allah (SWT) is the most gracious, most merciful and has given us women a lot of rights!!!!!!!!!

    You must not let this man treat you this way.

  6. salam!
    dont go with him, save ur self u still have time! i am talkin out of experiance!! i have been married fr a year now n my husband is the same, he beats me alot, threats for divorced every other day, n thn pretends nothin happened, this one year i have thought of killing myself several times, he insults me infront of everyone. n i cant leave him cuz my dad does not approve of it, he keeps on telling me that everythin is going to b alrite, bt trust me it never will a person like this never changes!!!
    my life is hell, try to save yours
    Allah Hafiz

    • Asalaam Alikom wr wb ,, This lady says ,Most of the fighting from my end is only verbal, but my husband gets very angry and loses control which leads him to beat me up brutally. No pious wife start fighting or start arrgue with there husband or no start ,, We have saber for sabreen inshallah Allah put love and mercy in his heart if she dont start Thanks ,,,,,, Allah haffiz

  7. your husband is very very wrong to hit you without any reason.
    i just dont understand why a man woulod hit a weak, vulnerable woman.

    but sister, if you have children together, then i would advice you to be patient and hung in there for the sake of your children.

    you should be patient and ask Allaah to give you strengh because the female companions [may Allaah be pleased with them] used to be patient over the hard beatings the sahaabah used to give them.

    one example is that of is the beautifull patience of sayyidah Asmaa the daughter of abu bakr with her husband sayyidunaa Az-Zubayr ibn-Al-'awaam, the famous companion and fifth best companion [may Allaah be pleased with him].

    Az-Zubayr [may Allaah be pleased with him] had two wives, both tremendous female companions Asma bint abuu bakr, and 'Aatikah [may Allaah be pleased with them both]
    and he would literally tie their hair together so they dont escape, and give them the most terrifying beating possible to the human mind.

    so much so that Asma ran to her father with green skin and blue eyes,ameerul mu-mimeen Abuu bakr [may Allaah be pleased with him] and complained that Az-zubayr beats her saverly eventhough she does absolutely nothing.

    and her father realised her hardship and that her complaint was valid, but he said to her "Oh my daughter, go back to your husband Az-Zubayr, because he will haave a very high status in jannah, the prophets first neighbour in jannah, and that you may be his wife in jannah, go back and be patient"

    said abuu bakr.

    Allaah ma'ak, i hope Allaah gives you and us aaaall patience.

    • Tell me where you read this, as I would be very surprised that an honored Sahabi would treat his wife (the daughter of Abu Bakr!) in this way. I have read some unsubstantiated reports saying that Az-Zubayr was "harsh" with Asma', but not these details you are describing.

      Here is a narration from Saheeh Muslim in which Asma' (ra) describes her life with Az-Zubayr. As you can see she makes no mention of beatings or abuse:

      “As I was one day carrying the stones of dates upon my head I happened to meet Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) along with a group of his Companions. He called me and said to the camel to sit down so that he should make me ride behind him. I felt shy to go with men and I remembered az-Zubair and his ghirah(1), and he was the man having the most ghirah. When the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) understood my shyness, he left. I came to az-Zubair and said: ‘The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) met me as I was carrying the stones of the dates on my head, and there was with him a group of his Companions, he said to the camel to sit down so that I mount it, I felt shy from him, and remembered your ghirah.’ Whereupon he (az-Zubair) said: ‘By Allah, the carrying of dates’ stone upon your head is more severe a burden on me than riding with him.’ [And I led this life of hardship] until Abu Bakr sent afterwards a female servant who took upon herself the responsibility of looking after the horse and I felt as if she had emancipated me(2).” Remember that Asma’ was the sister in law of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him)!

      Asma’ reported: “I performed the household duties of az-Zubair and he had a horse, I used to look after it. Nothing was (more) for me than looking after the horse. I used to bring grass for it and looked after it, then I got a servant as Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) had some prisoners of war in his possession. He gave me a female servant. She then began to look after the horse and thus relieved me of this burden. A person came and he said: ‘Mother of Abdullah, I am a destitute person and I intend that I should start business under the shadow of your house.’ I (Asma’) said: ‘If I grant you permission, az Zubair may not agree to that, so you come and make a demand of it when az-Zubair is also present there.’”

      He came accordingly and said: ‘Mother of Abdullah, I am a destitute person. I intend to start small business in the shadow of your house. I said: ‘Is there not in Madinah (any place for starting the business) except my house?’ Az-Zubair said: ‘Why is it that you prohibit the destitute man to start business here?’ So he started business and he (earned so much) that we sold our slave-girl to him. Az-Zubair came to me while the money was in my lap. He said: ‘Give this to me.’ I said: ‘(I intend) to spend it in charity.’” [Muslim]

      Wael Editor

    • The more I think about such stories, the more I find them unlikely. It sounds like something fabricated to justify wife beating. But the Messenger of Allah (sws) prohibited a Muslim from striking any living creature in the face, even a donkey. So how could an honored Companion strike the daughter of Abu Bakr in the face until she is bruised? And then what loving father would tell the daughter to go back to such a situation, instead of saying, "I will talk to him about it and tell him to stop."

      The Prophet (sws) said, "How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then he may embrace (sleep with) her?"

      The Prophet had a low opinion of wife beaters.

      Narrated Mu'awiyah ibn Haydah: "I said: Apostle of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them? He replied: Approach your tilth when or how you will, give her (your wife) food when you take food, clothe when you clothe yourself, do not revile her face, and do not beat her.”
      (Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 11, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Number 2138)

      Wael Editor

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